lostwillow, thanks for your insight. We have talked about redoing the test at an actual in site collection place but it's just saving up the money to get it done. The mail in tests are cheaper but since you collect your own samples and just after the other companies told us about the dna test being over turned because the company we went with messed up it just bothers me.

I know finding all this out after 2 years has got to be hard on him. It was hard for me to keep it from him because I always told H everything ever since hs. He is my best friend and never kept anything from him but I was so scared that it was going to destroy us. I regret keeping this from him for so long but i regret having the A most of all. My H was my first and only until the A and I regret losing that.

I am being as suportive as I can. I don't whine and complain to my H about how I am feeling because it's my fault that all this happended. He has his own problems so it isn't right for me to whine about feeling down because I'm sure he is down too.

And you are right about my H. He is the strongest man I know. Physcally and mentally. We have had our issues since hs and with being a marine with all it's issues he has stayed strong and I love him for being there for me no matter what. I am so very lucky that he wants stay and work things out with me and loves our son no matter what the test says. He is the best thing (besides my son) that has happended to me and I will fight to keep him happy with me.

Thanks soo much everyone for talking with me. I guess what I needed was to talk about how I was feeling instead of keeping it to myself. It's help alot and I value all the advice given.

MarineMom,

I would definitely get the test redone. I would also like to encourage you to do a few things. One is you need to regain your balance. Ultimately, your H is going to need a W he can depend on, someone emotionally together, and able to handle things, somewhat independent.

Now I know that sounds like the opposite of what is spoken of here. But, it is not. As you regain your emotional balance, your words, your actions will mean more to him. He will know you are not going things out of guilt but rather out of love.

What you don't know is how much he doubts himself. How the movies play in his head. How he wonders if you really do want him. Your words are not exactly unimpeachable at this point.

My suggestion is learn a lot about relationships. Learn alot about yourself. Learn a lot about your H. All of those sound obvious don't they? But, here is the point. You both are very young, you married young, you have had a child young. You both are going to change as you mature, and the ideal is that this change is acknowledged and managed in such a way that at say 30 you two have grown closer together.

You H will feel great anger around the 6 month mark of this recovery. It could happen a bit earlier, but it seems to hit about then. Definitely find an MC that is PRO-marriage. But, expect the anger and realize it is part of the process.

Given his long duty hours, time is scarce. Don't leave him alone. By that I mean when he comes in make him the center of your attention. Sex may not be high on either of your lists but make sure that you touch him, put your hands on his arm, his neck, make contact with him. It is a very powerful thing to do.

Another thing you might want to do is start to focus on the future. What career goals do you two have? Where do you want to live? How are you going to spend his leave time? Things like that.

Remember recovery is about the future, using the lessons of the past to make a better future. I know you are down. I know you feel alone (because you are, I mean DuH! ) but start to focus on your life and your relationship with your H. Gradually, he will begin to see you have his back. Gradually, he will see he is NEEDED (this is a very big thing) but that you are not just hanging on him.

This is a process MM, take your time, smile when you are around him, and touch him when you talk with him. You find he will listen to you when you are in contact with him.

Must go.

God Bless,

JL

MM, Just checking on ya and seeing how u are doing???

Things don't seem to be looking good for us. H has been talking more and more about the A and keeps talking about "if we divorce." Right now I am visiting my family and H is back home. His class just graduated and he has been drinking alot. I don't want to be the reason he ruins his life with drinking so I start thinking about H being better off without me. It's just got to the point to where I wonder how are we going to be able to work on us when the A is the topic of our life and M. It's not fair to either of us and not far to our son either. H don't go a day without thinking or talking about the A. It is all we talk about. I thought me going to FL to visit my family until he finished his class and goes on leave would be better but it isn't. At least I get to talk to people down here unlike back home where I'm alone all day long. H is planning on coming down in the next few days. I'll have been in FL about a week until he gets down here. So it's not that long apart but I'm wondering if an acutal separtation is what we need to do. I love him with all my heart but I don't want to spend my whole life with this hung over my head. I'm just so scared about our M and about him. I don't know what to do for him expect what I've been doing but it don't seem like it's helping at all.

I got an eye opener last night. I was talking to DH and I thought I was giving him attention but I haven't been. Lately because I have been so upset I haven't been paying attention and showing him the affection that I thought I had been. DH pointed it out to me last night while we were on the phone.

OK new plan!!! I am going to find something to keep me entertained while DH is a work so I'm not all depressed anymore. I am going to stop wallowing over self pitty and the unknown about our future. I need to show my DH the affection and attention he deserves. In my head I thought I was, but my actions showed differently. DH works hard to support us and he deserves to be taken care and feel comfortable when he comes home.

Going to make an appt for after we get back from FL but first to find a good pro-mc. Thanks for all the advice and getting me back on track to what really matters. Working on this M is the most important thing to me and I getting back on track. I know things are going to be hard but it's worth it.

MM,

I have to give you a 2X4 here, sorry.

Your post about having to talk about the affair, and feeling like that's all you two ever talk about?

Toooooo baaaaaad for you.


Had to say it.


Sure, that is what he wants to talk about. And you are going to have to talk about it, for exactly as long as HE NEEDS TO TALK ABOUT IT.

That is the way it goes, here in recovery land.

See, in FOG LAND, you get to not talk about it, and go on about your life as though the affair has been magically swept under the rug, and the waywardness in you doesn't have to be brought up ever again!!!!

La-la-la-la-la!

Only in recovery land, the real world, where marriages are saved and made whole and better, well............we TALK about the affair and give the BS the chance to process the affair. We consider that a good idea - because if you don't let him talk about it, and you make it uncomfortable and taboo to talk about it, then you are making a huge mistake.

Why?

Because you are creating an elephant in the room. If you don't talk about it now, then you are closing off the opportunity to get information out in the open, and to truly communicate the problems in the marriage which led up to the affair in the first place. You are closing off the chance for both of you to express your ideas for regaining ground with one another, for creating a better marriage.

See, if you don't discuss the affair, how can you ever POSSIBLY prevent another one?

You will never have the opportunity to understand what you both did wrong leading up to the affair! You will never understand what pain has occurred as the result of your affair, and you will never understand WHY YOU MADE THE CHOICE YOU MADE!

And you absolutely need to talk about it.

It will not serve you to stop talking about it - and he will be raging mad at you if you say, "Stop talking about the affair, and get over it. We have to move on."

I promise you, that is a huge mistake - take it from every BS here.


What I can promise you is this: the nature of the affair talk WILL change. He will go from asking you details, to processing his own role in the marriage. Then he will look at how YOU contributed to HIS feelings about the marriage. Next, he will look at the dynamics between the two of you, your circumstances in life, the place you both were at as a couple when it all happened and the complexity of it all. In and throughout it all, he will be thinking about the future, how to change it, how he can make things right and better, what it will take. And the underlying questions he will have in his mind will be throughout the process will be:

Can I trust her?
Has she told me everything?
Is there something else I need to know?
Why did she do this?
What happens a year, two, three years from now?
Why is she staying?
Am I her second choice?
Would this whole thing be "easier" if I chose divorce?


Believe me - you HAVE to talk about the affair, and keep talking about it. You will still be talking about this two years from now. If you choose recovery or divorce, this will be on your lips two or three years from now - either way.

It is the only way you will make yourself a better woman, and your marriage a better place, and put your life back on track.

SB

Hope you will really learn how to keep yourself occupied doing constructive things. It is HARD to be home alone and have your husband working long hours.

When my ex was having his affair, I got NONE of my needs met, so I decided I would meet the ones I could by myself. I started my own business, worked OT, volunteered at the hospital, started a garden, cleaned the house spotless, detailed the car, organized, went on walks, joined a women's Bible study group, practiced cooking new things, feng-shuied by home, etc.

You can find lots of things to do. You could join a wives group, take your child to exercise or swimming classes, start teaching him to read, join a playgroup, etc.

Also I would amp up the SF, since that is very high on most men's list. And you have the added problem that you strayed. Whether he is meeting your needs or not, I would put extra emphasis on that.

Also, it is good that you talk about the affair. Let him know how much you regret it.

Something H said is bothering me. As we were talking last night H asked me what would I do if he had an A and also told me that that he wants SF but not always with me. I'm starting to think that he either is planning on having an A or already had one. I hope that I am just over thinking his comments and questions but I'm just confused about what he said.

I asked H about my concerns with his comments and I guess he knew after he said them that I may start to think that. He let me know nothing has happened and he has no plans. I didn't want to assume he was that is why I just desided to ask him. We had a nice long talk last night and it was great. He is on his way down here to FL for his leave now and will be here in the next few hours which I am excited about. Even though it's only been a week since I left to come home down here myself, I am very excited about seeing him tonight. I hope this is a start a big step towards recovery for us. Keep your fingers crossed.