In January/February 2008 I started an affair with a married coworker. Husband discovered it early on. To make a long story short, I was mean, in a fog, down right rude, said some really horrible things like If he wasn't married I would have left you..., Won't stop when he said I was destroying our marriage, begged me to stop, even offered marriage counseling which I flatout refused. Totally ruined our 5 yr anniversary. Then end of may begin of june I started to come around. Mid june was ready to focus on my marriage only to discover that my Husband had met someone, "thought our marriage was over and dead" so he asked for her number and started talking to her. This just days before our weekend trip to try to rekindle our marriage by going to the city we spent the beginning of our honeymoon in. Upon return home from this wknd still wasn't 100% sure about marriage but won't say one way or other. He said he wanted me out. Started to leave but next day said no. came back home. He has continued to see other person. Says i caused too much pain and distrust. He has no interest in MC now that I am willing. I finally broke down and contacted the pastor who did our premartial counseling and wedding for help. My husband refuses to go to MC now. He is continuing to see other person. Says he is ready to file for divorce cause I am not changing enough. Same old. I can't change 100% overhnight. I am human I will forget to kiss you at times, I won't always feel like being loving at that moment that you come back from seeing her...it is unrealistic that you expect that. I guess my question is When do you stop fighting and just let go? I really want to save my marriage and I think he does too. Soemtimes I feel like he is trying to give me a taste of my own medicine...Point taken...So confused on what to do. I do have another appt to see my pastor this week...HELP!
Hurting over the hurt I created...

Oh, SG, welcome to MarriageBuilders...

I've was once right where you are now...and I know how incredibly painful it is...

No better place to be, IMO, than here on MB.

Do you guys have children?

Did you inform your OM's wife of the affair?

Have you changed jobs and no longer work with OM?

Will you find a Christian pro-marriage counselor familiar with MB concepts and go, anyway? Will you write out an amends letter to your WH and list what you did, why you did it, and why and how you won't do it again?

The part I remember as really important was knowing everything I did then was also about my own redemption...my own amends. First time in my life I acted and let the outcome go...I read on MB, went to Alanon meetings, read a ton of books and went to weekly MC as IC...because I had to know the depth, breadth and scope of the damage I did to the marriage.

There are two recoveries...your personal recovery and the marital recovery. You're all of one and only half of the other. Keep in mind you have crushed pain into your BH, and you're not far off that he, too, wants to crush pain back into you...it's mind-blowing...infidelity is astonishingly painful.

Get to know your pain, where it comes from, what it signals and how to heal. You're responsible for helping your BH heal...and that won't begin until he goes No Contact with his AP. Until you guys are fully divorced, he is having an affair. Just so we're clear there.

LA

I won't get into how I feel about "revenge" affairs (just so you know...I think the term is a cop out for WS's, and that WS's already ended the marriage by breaking their vows, and BS is free to do whatever he wants after that point...but, I digress).

BS's are VERY vulnerable to affairs after d-day..."my WW is having her EN's met, while I'm all alone....screw this, time to move on!!!". Next thing you know, there is another problem to work on.

I hope you can get some help from some members here that really know their stuff, and I wish you, and you BH/WH well.

Maybe he is milking it.

Time to be absolutely, absolutely honest with hubby. Ask him if he is trying to punish you. Check what he needs to show that you are the genuine article right now.

Was it a PA?

Was it public?

What was the shape of marriage before the affair?

Could your husband be using your affair in an unhappy marriage to justify an out?

By the way, what motivated you to come out of the fog?

No we have no children only our four legged animal children.
No.
Due to current situation with his job and our financial situation, I am still there. End of month will determine our situation financially jobwise. However OM works at a different location than me so there is minimal contact.

Thanks for the well wishes.

I am continuing seeing my pastor to work on things whether hubby wants to join me or not. I am standing my ground and not leaving the house. He wants me gone so he can bring her there. He is using my actions to justify his behavior. It is hard but I am trying to do the things he says he needs. The kisses, the reassurances, etc. but he keeps saying too little too late.

Spagoddess, as long as you are still in contact with your OM and his W remains ignorant, there is no hope for this marriage. How can your H believe you are serious when you continue to see the OM with "minimal contact"? You must be kidding.

That should be a deal breaker for him and he may have given up. As a BS myself, I would not consider any future with you if you would not end contact forever with your OM.

Do you think your husband hates you?

I'm a BH, and I second this.

spagoddess34,

Perhaps if you use Dr. Harley's concepts, you may be able to save your M and repair the damage that both of you have done to each other.

Be sure to read all the concepts. Sounds like by not following a good Recovery plan when you had your A, you did not work on an "affair proof" M.

You sound like you are out of your fog, but being that you've been in the fog before, you know that your WH is not himself right now. He probably feels justified based on the way that you treated him.

You're going to have to do some hard work and show him that when you are meeting his EN and doing your Plan A that you really mean it and you are willing to repair the damage that was done.

Good luck and God Bless!

SG,

Thank you for your response.

I've know Harley has recommended divorce if there are no children and not many years together.

Also, your affair has continued, unfortunately, because any contact continues your A. That may be creating a heckuva lot of pain right now in addition to your B&WH's choices.

Funny thing how we are in the mindset that we must do what we do for financial reasons and lose the marriage we were working so hard to stabilize financially. I know I said I put my marriage first for 15 years...when really, I put my resentment, money, the kids, my FOO...acted to other priorities, instead.

This takes a revolution in you, SG, choosing this road of redemption, reconciliation and recovery. Radically different than before. Are you going to inform OMW of the A? You can do so in a certified letter addressed only for her signature. This is part of the amends--otherwise, you aren't fully sorry for all the damage you've done, and you can't live in honesty if you refuse to act from it (and let the outcome go).

So at the end of the month you'll see better if you will jeopardize your job, maybe, in telling OMW? In informing your boss of the A so he/she can better protect you from contact, transfer, or if you need a new job?

Have you been reading all the materials on this website? No Contact (NC) forever? Willing to move to recover, get away from the OP, protecting your weaknesses, identifying your resentment and how you make it? Following the rules of marriage for care, time protection and radical honesty? The Policy of Joint Agreement?

Read the articles, getting the books (Surviving An Affair and His Needs, Her Needs) is what put the wind in my flagging sails...hitting that deep remorse, horrid shame and guilt; at the same time such rejection and anger from fear for DH. Turbulent times, inside and out. And we're heading right into the four-year anniversary of it, come to think of it.

Read up on Plan A...and Plan B. I did not get to Plan B, btw. Mimi_here and many others have done great Plan B's. They used to call that crew Killer Bee's...even.

May you find all the support you need here to be brave and do the actions which will redeem, replenish and rejuvenate you to stand for your marriage.

LA

Like you had been, H is now in his own fog. Like most new infatuations, including yours, the fog is almost inpenetrable for the first 4-6 months. If you want a chance of saving your marriage, you'll have to both weather the stress of a Plan A for at least several months, as well as go through withdrawal from the separation from your OM, and dealing with the cravings to contact him.

That is probably all you can do. He is caught up in his own fog, now, and you'll just have to follow the plans. Ending your A will be a necessity, which would otherwise be a big lovebuster and assuredly kill any chance of him returning.

You have my sympathy and best wishes for the tough road lying ahead of you.

SG,

You don't suppose he took what you told him during your A seriously do you? You don't suppose your comments about him, hurt him deeply do you? You don't suppose having some woman/any woman show him affection and respect is attractive to him do you?

Please, consider this. What are you/will you change to let him know, he isn't stepping back into the same situation he was in before? What are your boundaries now and do you have a plan to protect them? What were your boundaries before and how did you fail to protect them?

You can do little about his affair, just he could do little about your affair. All you can do is make changes in yourself and learn about yourself at a level you may not have addressed earlier.

Given the shortness of this marriage, the fact that there are no children, this marriage may be over. I would strongly urge you to sever all ties to OM. I would strongly urge you to do the right thing and let OM's W that he has had an affair. I would strongly urge you to work with your counselor on your issues and the issues you brought to the marriage or developed while married. I would also strongly urge you to try plan A, to see if you can accelerate the end of his A. Please do the reading here.

Once you have done the reading, once you have really come to understand yourself and your choices and how you would like to change your perspective on things, then there is a chance for this marriage to recover. If it does not, YOU will be in better position to take better care of your next relationship.

Please think about these things.

God Bless,

JL

SPA,

I've been both WS and BS, so I have a good idea where you are. I do not make any excuse, I just understand the dynamic.

realize your WH has gone from D-day broken hearted, depressed, and vert vulnerable.

He began to come to terms with potential D. He began to separate himself from you. He built an emotional wall to defend his emotions from further damage of your actions.

Now he has found someone who meets his needs. That must feel really good in comparison to whats happened with you.

You come around, see the light, peek out of the fog. Now you expect him do throw away what he see's as a happy future.

I suspect your only chance to gain his attention and PROVE your commitment is with actions not words.

For starters:
Go to counceling
Buy and read the books found here
Plan A your butt off
Explain to him how you understand the pain you put him thru, and now experience.

-JKT

I've know Harley has recommended divorce if there are no children and not many years together. I don't want a divorce. but if it is what is needed then

Also, your affair has continued, unfortunately, because any contact continues your A. That may be creating a heckuva lot of pain right now in addition to your B&WH's choices.

I have agreed to leave my job but due to circumstances I have stayed.

This takes a revolution in you, SG, choosing this road of redemption, reconciliation and recovery. Radically different than before. Are you going to inform OMW of the A? You can do so in a certified letter addressed only for her signature. This is part of the amends--otherwise, you aren't fully sorry for all the damage you've done, and you can't live in honesty if you refuse to act from it (and let the outcome go).

yes. I am sorry for the damage i did.

So at the end of the month you'll see better if you will jeopardize your job, maybe, in telling OMW? In informing your boss of the A so he/she can better protect you from contact, transfer, or if you need a new job?

hubby's job on the line. we need both incomes to make ends meet. otherwise we lose our home. He has asked me to keep my job until we know what hte future holds for him. (Long story)

Have you been reading all the materials on this website? No Contact (NC) forever? Willing to move to recover, get away from the OP, protecting your weaknesses, identifying your resentment and how you make it? Following the rules of marriage for care, time protection and radical honesty? The Policy of Joint Agreement?

Yes I have been. Even doing counseling with our pastor who married us. Trying. Hubby not wanting to.

Read the articles, getting the books (Surviving An Affair and His Needs, Her Needs) is what put the wind in my flagging sails...hitting that deep remorse, horrid shame and guilt; at the same time such rejection and anger from fear for DH. Turbulent times, inside and out. And we're heading right into the four-year anniversary of it, come to think of it.

Read up on Plan A...and Plan B. I did not get to Plan B, btw. Mimi_here and many others have done great Plan B's. They used to call that crew Killer Bee's...even.

May you find all the support you need here to be brave and do the actions which will redeem, replenish and rejuvenate you to stand for your marriage.
Thank you. Regardless of whether it survives or not, I know I did what I needed to. If he chooses to walk away and let it die, then it is on him.

GS34 Welcome,

I didn't see you answer the question about whether you're prepared to have no contact with OM for all eternity. I guess by not answering the question, this isn't something you're prepared to do. Sorry to sound judgmental but is this the case?

My W had an A and then I fooled around with 2 other women whilst we were physically separated. I regret this and got my W to delete the numbers from my phone, even though contact between her and OM persists.

Do it if you want to show your H that you are serious.

UPDATE:

I have been doing the steps, following the advice and working Plan A hard as I can. Only to find him starting to come around and then get pulled back to her. I know he is in the fog and where he is with all this. But last night after two nights of trying to be romantic with him and him not wanting to last night after a wonderful evening of giving him full attention and spending time together doing his thing, he broke down crying and said that the past wed night when He went out to shoot pool and listen to the bands, he slept with her. Now that he has done what he hated me doing, he doesn't feel like he can stay. I told him we can still save our marriage. But we will have to work to save it.

He asked me if i hate him for what he did. I said no i don't hate you. It hurts that you did it. But we can work thru it. He says he can't believe he did the one thing he said he would never do to a person after what his exgirlfriend who cheated on him did to him. Now he thinks he is unforgivable.

I want my marriage. I dont want a divorce from him. Do i continue Plan A and pray? or do I start moving to Plan B? What is next? (it's gonna be hard too because now I am gonna be working two jobs to bring home enough income to make up for the other job I had to leave).

Perhaps you are NOT listening to what is being told to you here. YOU are NOT in Plan A. You are in Plan AFFAIR. You still have contact with your OM .... you are still in an affair....PERIOD.

Your husband was hurt very badly by what you did. Your pain about his "affair" is secondary and IMHO, not to be given too much weight at this time. Later on, it can be discussed and dealt with. Your husband...the one your discarded, is in real pain over your affair and rejection. And still, YOU work with the OM due to CIRCUMSTANCES. Are you out of your frickin mind???

IMHO, your marriage...no kids and you both are young...should be ended. If your husband decides he wants to work things out, then you damn well better get your head out of your butt and start doing the right things. Don't come here talking about working any plans...because you're not. It is up to you to do the heavy lifting now.....something tells me that might be a bit much for you. Is it????

Quote

I know I did what I needed to. If he chooses to walk away and let it die, then it is on him.

Medic

I am sorry but did you miss where I said I now work TWO jobs to make up for the income from the job I had to quit. I quit the job where OM works. But I guess you missed that part.

I noticed that you quit your job, but I also noticed this....

"Due to current situation with his job and our financial situation, I am still there. End of month will determine our situation financially jobwise. However OM works at a different location than me so there is minimal contact."

You're giving yourself way too much credit here. You want your husband back..."minimal contact" may as well be "still screwing him". Time to re-adjust your plan, or you're wasting your time.

edit:

I now see that you have quit your job (eluded me too).

when did you last work at the other job???

What was your last day working at the same company as the OM?
What was your first day working the two jobs to replace the income from the job you quit?

"This takes a revolution in you, SG, choosing this road of redemption, reconciliation and recovery. Radically different than before. Are you going to inform OMW of the A? You can do so in a certified letter addressed only for her signature. This is part of the amends--otherwise, you aren't fully sorry for all the damage you've done, and you can't live in honesty if you refuse to act from it (and let the outcome go)."

your response: "yes. I am sorry for the damage i did."

Now you know full well, that you weren't merely being asked to say whether or not you think your remorse is genuine.

"This takes a revolution in you, SG, choosing this road of redemption, reconciliation and recovery. Radically different than before."

In other words what you've done so far for recovery simply has not been enough. And while I do not endorse revenge affairs, your BH was foolish to give you another chance based on your limited recovery efforts and residual fogginess. THAT is why recovery wasn't working. You should have quit that job much sooner and you will have to inform the OM's BW of the adultery.

"Are you going to inform OMW of the A? You can do so in a certified letter addressed only for her signature. This is part of the amends--otherwise, you aren't fully sorry for all the damage you've done, and you can't live in honesty if you refuse to act from it (and let the outcome go)."

THAT was the question you were asked, and the answer to that is NOT "yes", is it? And no, you cannot claim to be sorry for what you've done while you are STILL doing it. You are still hiding your adultery from the OM's BW. So obviously you are not sorry about that deception are you? Also by keeping the OM's wife in the dark you are making sure you can get back to gether with the OM if thigns don't work out with you and your husband - THAT is probably how your husband saw it, so no wonder recovery wasn't working. He should NOT have trusted you enough to give you another chance without you doing the needed bridge-burning back to OM.

Your BH is making a moral and tactical mistake with his revenge affair. He should have divorced you first and then got involved with another woman if he really felt your marriage could not recover from your adultery.

So the OM's wife still doesn't know anything, and you had continued contact with the OM, and in your mind that was giving recovery all the effort you could? You failed to do all you could to reassure your husband, therefore your recovery attempt failed.

TELL THE OM's WIFE the truth.

Even if it really is too late for you and your husband, you still need to tell the OM's wife about your adultery with her husband. She has a right to know. It is HER marriage, not yours, so you have no right to decide what she gets to know. You have no right to share your naughty little secret with her husband, no right to have ANY shared anything, not even the memory of an ended affair, with her husband that she is not aware of!

You claim to be sorry. Do you have any remorse for what you did, and are still doing, with regards to the OM's wife?

PS: My WXH's OW has been knocking herself out trying to play good girl in our small village, volunteering, fundraising, playing hostess/greeter at her church... everything BUT apologizing to me and my daughters for the immense harm her choice to commit adultery with a married man inflicted on us.
Confess and apologize to the the OM's wife. That is an indication of real remorse.