I have heard other BHs express the same thing, I think that is an issue that they struggle with more than BWs. I get mental images that tear me up inside, yet it's not the feeling that my WH is "damaged" so much as the feeling that he's not who I thought I was married to and nothing has been as it seemed...the M is not what I'd thought and hoped for. I still don't know how to get past that but then it's only been a couple of months since I found out. I take a day at a time and "wait and see".

Wait, are you saying fundamental morals might be at the root of the problem?

hmmm, can I hire prostitutes to help me get past this? They don't much care about performance or feelings or technique. They just want the money. That I have.

eh, I'd disagree with that. Hard to say why, but the maturity is a huge difference. I'd imagine your husband feels similar.



I don't see the point of faking it, especially in marriage. I mean if one of you finishes first, it should be the other ones duty to keep it going till the other one is done. That can't happen if you're faking it. You're only cheating yourself.

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Does he know that he can make you happy with something other then what's down there? I'm just wondering if some of the pressure was off to perform that way, and gained confidence elsewhere, it might be easy.
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Yes, he's actually quite expert at satisfying me in other ways and I him, so that's why I don't understand any of this. If I wasn't like I am, I could maybe understand it, but this whole thing seems dam-d unfair to me! I can't help but feel it's just an excuse to eat cake!

Not at all. I'm saying that if you spent most of your life thinking that sex is something to be avoided, it can be difficult to just flip the switch when you're married. And I wasn't refering to you in any way.

And I assume you're sarcastic regarding prostitution.

Does he know that he can make you happy with something other then what's down there? I'm just wondering if some of the pressure was off to perform that way, and gained confidence elsewhere, it might be easy.
[/quote]
Yes, he's actually quite expert at satisfying me in other ways and I him, so that's why I don't understand any of this. If I wasn't like I am, I could maybe understand it, but this whole thing seems dam-d unfair to me! I can't help but feel it's just an excuse to eat cake! [/quote]

hmmm, this is maybe getting too personal, but if it helps...

Does it seem easier for him to get hard with other things? That is the case for me. And it's not that I don't prefer the real thing. I couldn't say I know why for sure, but I wonder if it's because with other things, there is more constant stimulus on the right spots? So if that's true, maybe different positions, or something else, may help?

V4G,

You are very early in this wringer called recovery. Take it slow, give yourself time.

It will get better. But remember, they don’t call it the rollercoaster for nothing.

I suspect your most angry phase is yet to come. Be ready for it.

well, mostly, yes, indeed, certainly...


ed: I do sometimes wonder what the experts could do to help...

edd: certified, grade a, inspected experts of course...

eddd: just kidding...refer back to the morals question.

I know exactly what you mean! Ike picked someone who is 11 years younger than me and has never born children, so you know....Luckily, I look about that age though hahah

well i think it is harder for a bh then a a bw in the sense that in most relationships it is the man who is supposed to please the woman. this adds additional pressure to the male roll.

if he is able to push all the right buttons most women will respond physically once started.

the prostitution deal is a no go for me personally. i tried that when i was younger and had a hard time working it out. once yourealize that the only thing they are interested in is the mighty buck it takes to much out of the equation.

another issue that comes into play in mho is the length of the PA. in my case it was fairly short maybe 2 - 5 encounters. i can not even begin to imagine how some of you get past the long term A. I barely managed to move on after a short one.

without trying to sound to bold i felt (as i think most men feel) that i was the cats meow when it came to bedroom performance.

what helped me was things like the music i listened to. i stopped listening to all the mushy love song stuff and started listening to the "who's cryin now" stuff. this enabled me to carry a more secure attitude into the bedroom.

i also carried the attitude that i was going to do the deed to her like no one else. stand her on her head and spin her, bend her every which way but loose, and lock the bedroom door every single second that i had any spare time.

my intent was to give it to her so much and so hard that it would be hard for her to walk.

i have always been the kind of person that was looking for a new trick to add to my bag. so i found a couple of those to throw in also.

the om in our case was 15 years younger then i was so i felt i had to prove myself to her. she did tell me of one position that he used and i have never had sex with her in that way again. i don't think it still bothers me now but it has just never been on the menu recently.

maybe it's just about the attitude you carry inside yourself. you ned to find that old confidense again. you need to know that you can ring her bell whenever you choose. kwim?

I respectfully disagree. I am a full participant in the activities, and have tried essentially everything there is to offer, although some were a one off.

WH has been home 10 days and last night was the first time I could truly put an F in SF. It has been awkward, fumbling, rythmless and emotionaless up till then.

My mental issues are not how well he may or may not have been with OW althouht it pisses me off someone else knows what I always felt was 'our' secret. My biggest problem is we have been together for most of my adult life. Yes I had a few other men before we married, no more than he did pre-me. I have been exclusivly his for coming up 15 years. She on the other hand has serial relationships, several each year. She is not exclusive. In fact to me, her 'female part' is akin to a sewer.
MY husband stuck his d*ck in something I wouldnt want anyone to put their hand in.

Thats my big problem. Is this typical BW thinking?

i understand about putting his wacker where you wouldn't toouch with a 10' pole. i also know our om and can't for the life of me understand why my w would even give a thought of boinking this walking cespool.

and both my w and myself had had plenty of pre M experience. we were exclusive for over 20 yrs at the time of her A.

i think mental visuals and gross thoughts haunt both men and women. what i was refering to was that i (assuming here, i know dangerous) think in most relationships it is the male who initiates sexual intimacy.

with that in mind my thinking was that if my w initiated SF with me it would have been easier for me to respond then actually be the initiator. especially at the time just post d-day and early recovery.

Yeah, I guess you heard that somewhere but no one ever told my x. Seems like I was always told it was the opposite.....it was the woman's role to please the man.

How come x never bothered, in all those years, to even try to please or satisfy me? Y'all musta read different books.

lildoggie,


She is not exclusive. In fact to me, her 'female part' is akin to a sewer.
MY husband stuck his d*ck in something I wouldnt want anyone to put their hand in.


I won't get into whether it's harder for a BH or a BW, but this comment you make about OW speaks volumes.

You seem to be using very harsh words regarding the OW and her body parts, but not your WH. Now, take these very comments that you make about OW and her "female part"....now imagine that you are a BH and that very female part that you describe belongs to your WW.

I can't speak for all BH's. But I'm guessing for a certain amount of time after dday, this is how most of us feel/felt. For how long, who knows.

I'm amazed at the way men think. I think it is harder for men than women. The sex part of the affair didn't bother me half as much as the intimacy part.

There is nothing like married lovemaking, being with a man that you love and trust, where there is intimacy and a history.

Women that think sex with their affair partner was EXCITING are sick. A donkey show in Tijuana is exciting because it is forbidden.

Like Mel says, it is like animals rutting, maybe a high for some, but so empty.

I'm concerned that any woman who thinks that sex with their affair partner (that probably dumped them) is better than with the husband of their youth, is still exhibiting some WW tendencies.

Hopefully some FWW's will check in.

Ok a FWW check here...

It wasnt attraction over how he performed or looked. Frankly my DH is WAY better in the SF department then he probally ever will be.

When I came back to H we had the wonderful make up sex. I think it wasnt till I knew I had gained complete forgiveness from him that we have enjoyed the married lovemaking, nothing like two people coming together as one

OK maybe TMI sorry

While I have to say that I never did have sex with my former wife after she left to have her affair, I did have some issues after the divorce with my current wife.

It just took time and getting over myself and concentrating on pleasing her.

I found that I'm very aroused by all the sensory experiences associated with her getting aroused. The sounds, the increased breathing, they way her body moves, the way she wants me.

I am on BP medicine, but I no longer find that to be a problem.

So while I don't know what it's like to try it with a FWW, I do know my confidence was shaken. I would have thought that years of no sex would have produced a different result, but it was difficult at first.

I don't know if this helps, but as long as you are as healthy as you can be, if you can get your head in the game, I think things will begin to work.

Part of getting your head in the game is controlling your thoughts.

I used harsh words becayuse I have harsh feelings aboutOW, and frankly they were the politest I could come up with. I dont feel a whole better about WH body parts either, thats why he has to have an STI test. The way I feel had a huge impact on sex with him, I ws the one who felt awkward etc. MY 'female part' is a whole lot less used, and shared around than OW.
Yes I imagine many BS have similar feelings, I just wanted it noted that a degree of disgust for the WS is not the sole domain of the BH

I have not had a problem in that department for a couple of reasons.

First, I didn't go through the usual false recovery, betrayal, false recovery, betrayal .....etc cycle.That scenario is incredibly damaging to one's ego and self respect. I gave her one chance to change as she had promised. That promise lasted three days with renewed contact. I was out of there and as it turned out, never to return.

Secondly, even though it does hurt when I think of what I thought was my wife involved in a hide the banana with another guy, I have never been a very jealous person. She would often tease me that she would leave me for a past boyfriend. My usual reaction was "go for it". All my life I have known that if a person didn't want me that there was absolutely nothing I could do to prevent it. Except going crazy worrying about it.

Third and most importantly, I lost all my respect for her. Every relationship she has been in since the original A, she has played the role of the OW. From breaking up long term relationships, to engaged couples and finally her latest acquisition ...a married man with two children that she just nurtured through his divorce. If you throw in finding out about a prior M, several abortions and playing a role in our godson's parent's breakup, the hardest realization in my post breakup is the simple fact that I was married to a skank. I know that sounds harsh and clouded by anger but it really is just a simple unemotional fact.

Make no mistake, I was deeply in love with my delusion of my Ex and still mourn my M's demise but graphic details are not part of that mourning or of my sexual identity.

Can some of the women help me understand this?

When I talk to some of my male friends or if you listen to locker room talk, I get the sense that sex for men is a huge driver and the physical nature of the act plays a large part in the experinence. I am of the impression that the mere physical release can be a huge motivator. What I am suggesting is men do not seem to have as significant a need for emotional intimacy or connection in order to complete the act.

Now I am wondering how it is for women? Is the need for emotional intimacy the overriding factor? As one person described to me the physical is the easy part once the emotional intimacy is established. I am trying to understand the sequence of events in the womans mind.

My wife is having an emotional affair with OM, I am pretty sure it has not gone physical yet. But once that emotional bond is established it seems to me that the physical cannot be far behind.

What is it that causes a woman to participate in an affair?
What are the triggers for a woman?
Is physical appearance a big factor?
Is it the excitment of tasting forbidden fruit?
Is it the emotional bond over time that leads to an affair?

Please help me understand so I can hopefully inoculate my marriage from this ever happening again.