As far as to the length of affairs, I was reading recently in (I think,I've read several books but I'm almost sure this is the one ) Torn Asunder by Carder, and it made an interesting but understandable point.

Many affairs which are "on again-off again" or in which partners are separated by distance and perhaps see each other only twice a year or so, can literally last for decades. Because the adultery partners are not around each other enough to get sick of each other, the "thrill" is still new enough to keep it going for a very long time.

The same principle to a slightly lesser degree applies when the adulterers are conflicted about their immoral actions, and periodically break off contact for a few months, then run into each other and start back up again. Then they feel guilty and stop, only to repeat the cycle over and over and over. In some weird way, the breaks in the relationship only serve to reinforce it.

Scary!

And a good incentive to have NC for life, as Dr. Harley advises!

Winger,

I agree with alot of what you say here particularly as it relates to a BH and the necessary efforts to the end his WW's A.

I also believe that a BH that uses this same approach to recover the marriage after the A will struggle mightily. In my experience, recovery requires a different mindset and approach.

From what I read, nothing guarantees that the APs will break up or drift apart after the infatuation wears off (i.e., the honeymoon's over). Most do, as Dr. Harley writes in one of his articles. But sometimes, after the infatuation wears off, the APs see they still share a lot in common, still are attracted to each other and still aren't sufficiently attracted to their BS. If such is the case, all involved should recognize that the APs are now acting under their true feelings, and not under the influence of the fog. Plan D would be the most likely course of action.

Middle aged madness. Perhaps the tattoos are spelling right (line from Steel Magnolias). The Karma bus is coming.

Larry

Don't let your spouse go ALONE to a high school reunion!

Larry

Absolutely, 100% true.

Larry

To add another perspective, I'll add my own timeline:

Sept - Oct 2006: A begins. I'm unsuspecting.
Nov 2006: ILYBINILWY speech...
Dec 2006: Separation
Feb 2007: Caught by P.I., exposed, WW comes back for a weekend. Goes back to OM.
Mar 2007: I enter Plan B
Apr 2007: D filed by WW
Sept 2007: WW comes back for a week, goes back to OM. The M.O. matches February false recovery: Making sure that I'm still in the loop.

Plan B resumes, D and Plan B continue to this day.

In Sept 2008, the A will hit the 2 years from the start mark. WW has admitted December 2006 as the start date, but I don't believe her claim. (WW opened her mouth, thus, she must be lying...)

The point is: It's not so much a matter of time, but more in what you do as a BS, the in laws, and a complex array of variables. All of them seem to be out of your control completely - most are.

Exposure is an absolute must, hands down. It must be done quickly and stike strategic targets. This is a whole different discussion in itself.

Yes, I think the six month rule on chemically induced infatuation is true. After roughly five months of an A, my WW came back for a brief moment and told me that she told OM that they needed to step back in their relationship. It had a sense of "getting old" for them.

Engaging in conflict with your WS is completely counterproductive - I would personally recommend a Plan B sooner rather than later. I've become quite a fan of "Silence is Golden".

Your WS won't begin to respect you again so long as you are in conflict. The conflict feeds the flames of justification. In regards to perceived weakness, if you find yourself falling flat on your face when communicating with WS, the "Less is more" and "Silence is Golden" approach is more beneficial.

The most common factors that bring a WS back, I believe, after the six months of "infatuation" are: WS guilt, fear of losing you/jealousy, reality shocks (such as a death in the family/friends, cancer/terminal illness scares, etc, etc), selfishness, selfishness, selfishness.

The things that keep them from coming back (Again, just in my opinion):
Guilt over what they have done (feel as though they don't deserve you after what has happened), IN LAWS!!!, WS feels you won't take them back, shame, stubborn pride.

The best tactic I can recommend is to earnestly work on yourself, follow the Plan A formula as it applies to you, don't worry about things you have no control over, and exude dignity and self-respect. In a Betrayed World, demonstrating dignity goes a long way.

There are no guarantees of anything, so one can not focus on a "timeframe".

It's funny, they usually come back when you least expect it, and sometimes after you have moved on...

GH:

How about this:

Mine lasted 4.5 years. And ended on D-day.

But your not really asking "do affairs end in six months"?

Your REALLY Asking: "CAN I SURVIVE ANOTHER SIX MONTHS?"

Totally different question.

Timelines mean goals.

Goals mean something to strive for, to hope for, to see, "If I can make THIS, then, I will see what happens next....

Affairs end how they end. We can discuss the chemistry for pages. Doesn't really make any difference.

Your H's affair will end when he decides that your a better alternative. Or the OW dumps him. Or he finds another OW.

So.

The pain you have been feeling for the past six months? May get worse or better.

What is YOUR PLAN? Your GOAL?

Lets work on that.

LG

These statements sum up what I have found most valuable about MB. It is not just about marital recovery, but also personal recovery which is my goal. And in reading between the lines, I don't think there's a hope for marital recovery without personal recovery - and that's really and truly what Plan B does for a BS.

My M is over and I'm okay with that. I'm moving on and life is getting better every day. I barely see WstbxH any more and we never talk so there's no conflict from my side. However, there's tons between OWH and OW and it does indeed fuel the flames. I believe one day it will end - even though they certainly seem to be candidates for that 5% that don't. It doesn't really matter - I like my life now and I don't want him back. I do think that other family members who still interact with him, like DS for example, will feel better if/when they do break up. Though they may get used to her presence, she will always be a homewrecker in their eyes (and him in the eyes of her family).

Do you think pride would be another reason an A lasts longer? By that I mean they are miserable with OP but to end the relationship would mean they were wrong. Early in this post I relayed 2 A that I knew of that lasted a long time but did end. With both A's the WS was miserable with the OP for a long time. Their marriages were long over but they still hung on to the A for years even though the relationships were dead in the water.

BINGO LG,
If she sets the expectation of 6 months and she gets there and the A is still going on it will be crushing.

I agree w/ Rwinger on the Alpha male.

I also think that the alpha male thing makes some sense as far as ending a WW's affair.

I too, fell into the habits of not eating, sleeping...sobbing and crap. Found out that WW was still in contact sith OM during the duration of me doing this...up until the day after I had a RA, and happily told my WW about it.

She hasn't had contact with OM ever since (as far as I know).

Coincidence?

Introvert,

I know they don't advocate it here,

I would not advocate a RA ...

But some women are attracted to the "bad boy" (good example is the attraction women have to rock bands - sports) in the local bar who appears as an alpha male while her betasized husband sits at home taking care of the fort (or flopped on the couch watching TV.) Most women would never marry this bad boy but deep down may want that excitement. The husband was not always betasized either - but is a result of not taking his marriage seriously.

In general - women do not like weak men.

I recall during my hockey playing era when some of my team mates would get propositioned in a bar by married women to father their children. Unbelievable but very true. Its a joke amoung some athletes - how many kids are out there unknown to the fathers raising them that their bio-dad was recruited by mom.

Apologies if this is insensitive - but I have seen it. Just go to the local bar/hangout after a game to witness the groupies (married or single women) come out.

Before the advent of the Internet, which aided the spread of this information, I was somewhat friends with a guy who I will lable Dr. Quack. Over beer, he told me that at least 7% or more of babies born were NOT the husband's. This is fair common knowledge amongst certain healthcare professionals, just not discussed to any extent except whispers now and then.

Some women are controlled by their organs, just like some men, or should I say males.

Larry

I believe that this is one of the 1st things every BS needs to decide on quickly.

Once you choose it, it creates an attractive path back for the WS that not only the WS see's, but everyone that knows about the situation, or it adds mountains of data very quickly telling the BS to goto Plan B or Plan D to avoid the abuse.

Yeah, I wouldn't advocate it.