If I were OW, I would buy tst's corrections rather than the original letter of yours.

Your letter smacks as a little bit of an apology to OW, though only in being insufficiently strong.

Listen to tst"s comments!

I think it is very important to name your wife (use her first name) in the letter and repeat your love and commitment to her. Affair partners sometimes just refer to "my wife" or "my husband" because it is less personal. This is one thing I insisted on in my H's NC letter-- that he use both my first name and OWH's first name. He didn't like it....but it was important to me.And I think it increased the impact of the letter to OW (this was after 2 years of false recoveries!)

thanks for the input on the letter- TST I like your changes, and have come to realize that I need to accept those changes and not try to soften the message to O/W. So here is your version with your changes in red. I do have a question about the part in blue. Suggestions for how to reword that part would be appreciated, as I feel fake about making that comment since the A itself did everything to risk their happiness. Maybe I am just looking at it the wrong way.

O/W I want you to know that out of respect and love for "WIFES NAME" and our children, I have come to realize that I must never see or talk to you again. My relationship with you was a horrendous act of selfishness, and has caused my wife and family great pain that they did not deserve. Although I cannot undo the pain I caused "WIFES NAME", I will do my best to become the husband she has been missing. I am going to work at becoming the husband and father they deserve. I care a great deal for "WIFES NAME" and my family and I would not want to do anything to risk their happiness. I will not contact you any further and I do not want you to make any contact with me. Please respect my desire to end our relationship.

Sincerely,



BTW I was planning on using my wifes name, was only referring to her as my wife for posting.

Also ideas on how to go about giving this to my wife would be appreciated

I care a great deal for "WIFES NAME" and my family and I would not want to do anything to risk their happiness.

Maybe you can change the line from "would not want to do anything" to "will not do anything ever again." Otherwise I think it looks great.

As for giving the letter to your W, I think you can just let her know that you have been working hard on steps for recovery and you recognize that a NC Letter is very important for both of you, so you wrote one. I think that she will be pleased to see the effort that you are making.

When you give it to her, talk about whether or not it says what SHE feels that it needs to say. Let her know that SHE will be the one to mail it so that she controls the contact.

I don't think you need to fret about showing her this. It is an excellent step in evidencing your commitment to your M.

HTM

Simple change.

I'm glad you understand!

I would give your wife the letter tomorrow. You can discuss it together and you can also bring it up during your coaching session with Jennifer tomorrow night.

Don't expect Kudo's from your wife, she is likely to have a negative response. That's OK, stay focused and know this is how you help her heal.

Your doing the right things.

Tst,

Why do you think that his W will be unhappy about it? I was thinking just the opposite...it is evidence that he is taking steps on his own to help with recovery.

HTM

HTM,

My wife was sickened with the idea that my adultery was now part of her life. She didn't choose this and although she knew this letter was a necessary step, she had only sorrow. I received no kudo's, nor did I deserve any.

thanks everyone for your input into the NC letter. I have it finished with names included sitting here and going to give it to my wife shortly. Our appointment is tomorrow eve. with Jennifer, and this will give us a bit of time to discuss prior to our meeting tomorrow. Just needed to come here briefly to express how dificult this is. I know she does not want to hear it not that you guys do. But from what I have seen you can express what you need to here.

TST was this a difficult time for you? You know it was much easier to read before I put the names in it, of which I had planned to do. But once I put them in there, just the emotions of how so many have been hurt come to you. Things that were said to O/W of how bad your wife was, how great she was and always being there, and now saying just the opposite.

Do you ever feel like you are not a liar again? How long does it take, or did it take you for your heart and head to be in sync? I am following my head right now. I have seen it said here so many times that feeling follow actions. Which brings me to my next question. What are your thoughts on telling your wife you love her, if you don't necesarrily "feel" it. I was thinking I shouldn't but then I think well if love is action then do I have to "feel" it in order to tell her?

I should clarify that. Do you have to have the romatic feeling of love before you say I love you.

TST is your story posted here?

Sorry to any BS's who read this and are offended by the questions, that is not my intent. I appreciate the coments that you all gave as well sharing what the BS would like to read in a NC letter.

I know this was kind of scattered, but such are my thoughts at the moment. Time to give the letter.

tst's Thread LINK

Yes.
Where you are now, was a very difficult time for me. I was so devistated by what I had done to my wife and family. My eye's were wide open and I was appauled that a man (me) could do what I had done. I was (and still am) willing to do everything necessary to help my wife and children heal from the he11 I put them through.


Yes, I was a liar, living a lie, telling lies and rewriting history with these lies while I was an active wayward.
However, I am not a liar today. My actions and words determine that today. I am a repentant adulterer, and I must do the actions necessary to maintain this recovery one day at a time, for the rest of my life.


I think your thinking about it too much (over analyzing), instead of doing the things that bring about the changes.

Statements such as;
"I love that you are giving me another chance"
"I love it when you make dinner for me"
"I love it when I come home and you smile at me"
"I love it when you carefully help me through a rough moment"
"I love your hugs"
etc. etc. etc.

These are all actions that express love! Yes that is love!

"I Love You" needs to be said! "I Love You" needs to be heard.


Start spending 15 hours of time together every week, committing to meeting each others most important emotional needs and you will find Romantic Love again. Jennifer will help you with all the above in your marriage coaching. I hope it goes well.

Not,

I am really glad that you feel safe enough to share your feelings here. I am one of the BSs here who seem to take the postings of a WS in stride and am happy to give you insight from my side of the story.

I am worried about one thing...I know that you and your W have agreed not to post on each other's threads and you have asked us not to share things with the other, but I worry that your W will read your thoughts. I know that for me the temptation would be almost impossible to avoid.

The reason I bring this up is that while you sharing is VERY important and I think it will help you through your recovery, if she IS reading your thread, she may be hurt more by your process.

I don't have a good solution to this, sorry. I just thought I would bring it up.

HTM

TST - thanks for posting your link. I will be reading it today. Gave wife the NC letter last night. As you stated no kudos. Did not expect any, nor do I want them for that. Not ready to hear for just doing the right thing the thank yous, or I am proud of you. I have had family say I am proud of you for taking steps back into the marriage. But it repulses me to hear it. Don't know if that makes sense.

We did discuss it, I told her she did not have to give me an answer right now as to if she wanted to add to it but that I would if she needed it to say more. We will be disucssing with Jenifer tonight.

I do tend to analyze too much. Thanks for the more simplistic approach. I did point out to her last night, that I have noticed how she is handling things differently, much better. In the way of AO she has made great strides. This has been a area of struggle for her for some time.

Looking forward to our appointment, just hope I am not expecting too much. Trying to keep that in perspective.

HTM I am very appreciative that you continue to post here. It is helpful to read the insight of another BS within my own posts. I know some of it offensive so I appreciate you taking the time. Well I know the whole A is offensive I just mean expressing some of my current thoughts, which I know can still be somewhat wayward.

Anyways, I understand the temptation to read each others posts, as I have been tempted to read hers. But to me this is one of our first POJA's so we need to stick to it. And if she was to happen to read here, she would only be reading what is honestly going through my head at times. Of which I still struggle on how much to share with her or not. We have discussed some of what is posted to us but not much. She is making such progress there is no way I want to do anything to mess that up by reading her thread, and I think she feels the same about my progress.

When the whole posting got started, I told her I would not read hers and she told me I would to much temptation. Of course that statement did not set well but I am sticking to what I told her.

Lastly unfortunately for me, this is about the only outlet I have that makes sense. Most people just don't get this stuff and are therefore of little help. So I am taking away time that I could better spend with my wife falling in love. The people here however help tremendously.

I just wanted to comment on your expectaions for tonight. I was in the same boat you and your W are today about 3 weeks ago when we had out first scheduled appt with Jennifer .
Because I set my expecations all wrong it was dissapointing for me but things have changed. I expected that the call with Jennifer would immedialy heal something. I was in so much pain ( me being the BW) and looking for any straws of air and posting here was helping so much that I thought that the call with Jennifer would be double dose of that.
No so for me, immediate let down after the phone call , that rescue boat I was looking for which was to whisk me out of this ocean on misery and turbulance never came.
A day or so later all of Jenniefrs words came circling back to me, she was there to coach me not rescue me.
So each day after that the impact of what that phone call staretd became more visbile. The follwing week I had better adjusted what to receive from the phone call and it worked like a charm. We have our next session ( 3rd) tomorrow and I plan on continuning as long I think our relationship needs the support.

I am only posting my experince here so please take it with a grain of salt ( not advise) beacuse I am very early in my own recovery and have zero insight on whats to come next . Your experience with Jennifer might be different than mine but I hear the same desperation and expecation that I had so I just wanted to let you know how it worked for me.

Short Version- Jennifer's call(s) will work and help so you are doing the bset thing to help your marrige. Just dont set the expecation that I did that it will fix everything during or after the 1st call.

I must say I am really proud of you posting here as a WS I think it will tremendously help you and in turn your BW . I post here ( mostly on my own thread) and have sent the link to the website to my WH but have never directed him to the boards specifically.

FWIW as a BS I think if my WH were to post here it might help accelerate his "fog lifting" but right now I am content enough with the support I get here and the freedom of posting what I want without fear of hurting him if he sees it.
I think if he did post I would probably read his thread beacuse I would be too curious. Like you we are on the path of brutal honestly with each other so if reading his theard co-incided with what he was already saying to me then it would only add to the level of trust and openness in our realtionship, not cause me additional hurt by hearing or seeing them typed again.

wannamoveforward,

I hope what you are referring to is "Radical Honesty".

"Brutal Honesty" leads to many of the Love Busters and can ruin your love for each other. LB's like, angry outbursts, disrespectful judgments, annoying behavior, and selfish demands.

Tst
Thanks for correcting my terms. What I am refering to is a complete honesty and openess without any of the LB's.
ie creating an safe enviroment to share our feelings , where each of know that it is more important right now for us to be speaking and sharing the truth rather than worry about wether or not the "truth" in of itself will hurt the other person.
If "radical" is the right term for that then I stand corrcted.

Since we are on the topic here is a link for "Radical Honesty".

LINK

Thanks
I just looked it up a few minutes ago on the basic concepts page and have bene reading up on it
I guess I better get more familar with terms before I post to any threads (slinking away now).

tst - when I saw the comment, I went back already to read the radical honesty piece again. I read the short version yesterday, but went back and read the long version today. Still not quite sure I understand the difference might just be symantics. I do understand that in being honest you must avoid LB's. So if the LB = brutal then I get it, but sometimes the truth is brutal without the LB's.

Also read your link thanks. I actually remember reading some of SMB posts. Never had read yours. Thanks, now I know, and have a vision of what total committment is. "All in" as you put it good visual. BTW does your thread pick up again somewhere the thread stopped in Dec?