frozen,
I hope that you have discussed with your physician the effects of Ambien.
Often, it can affect your memory and behavior. You can actually drive on Ambien, and not even realize you are driving! There are cases in the news of people ending up places while on Ambien, waking up, and not knowing how they got there. You must discuss this with your doctor and be absolutely sure of what is going on, and be very careful with this medication.
Your history with Patriot may include physical abuse, and you have mentioned that past marriages have also had that abuse as well.
Have you sought counseling in the past for this problem? I ask because, just like other problems, if you don't clear up the problems of one marriage before you go into another, you will carry those problems directly into the new marriage.
I have been an abused woman. I fully understand the ramifications of spousal abuse, and know what you are talking about. Since you are in a safe place, you now have a series of tasks before you.
Divorce. I hate to say this, but if everything you say is true, you have no other option. Having been the victim of rape, it would be impossible for you to recover a marriage with your rapist. You have no other option. Get a legal aid attorney - they are free. If there is a university in your area, often they have legal clinics available to help.
Counseling. Before you begin to date again, you will need extensive counseling. Your relationship history is replete with abuse. It tells me that you have difficulty with understanding what love is - that it does NOT involve being hit by a man. It also does not involve betrayal, excessive drama, or emotional and verbal abuse. Your counseling needs to focus also on why you seem to seek out relationships with these factors in them, and reject others that would be more stable.
Stability. It would be advisable that you gain personal stability for yourself for awhile, probably setting a goal of not "needing" a relationship for about a year, before you begin dating again. The sense that you are a whole person, in and of yourself, should be fully established before you begin to try to seek out a new relationship. Counseling should be completed before the stability phase begins.
You should be very clear in your mind as to why each marriage failed, why a pattern of abuse occurs in your life, and how you are prepared to prevent it in the future.
I have walked this road, Frozen. It is not a hard road, once you step your first step. You just have to make that decision that the "normal" life really is the one you want, and the safety and calmness is your true desire.
SB
