Hi CL,


Yes it is good!

CL, how about you DECIDE one morning to have a no-issue day....say, one out of seven, take off the label of BS, make it worry-free ... not suggesting that you ignore or deny your reality...just for a change....put temporarily some 'distance' from your troubles and decisions to take...no yesterdays and no tomorrows.... and what would that day look like? ...what you DO, THINK, FEEL.... then LIVE it!

What have you got to loose to try it?

You know Luna, I like the idea. I think I will designate this Sunday as "No Issue" day. I'm going to design a T-Shirt to wear on those days - you know, a big circle with the word ISSUE in it and a big / through it. That will be on the front. The back will say "Accepting NO Monkeys here." A worry-free, stress-free, BS-free (yes BS AND BS) day.

Luna, you're on to something here. This could be revolutionary.

Hi CL,


You're ON lady!

....and you want to know something else? ....just THINKING about your SUNDAY makes TODAY a better day already, wouldn't you say?

I like the T-shirt idea...will help you stay on track...because you will be TEMPTED to worry....we learned to do that very very well.... HAHA....but you CAN'T!

OK, Sunday it is. I'm not going to work on anything - just have fun and do what I want to do. Starting to look forward to it already.

Sweet dreams Luna! Catch you tomorrow....

CL,


Remember, this is, what having a PLAN, does....

Nice work ladies!

A BS Free Day! I Like it!

When I do lake trips, we designate the entire campsite and boat as "Stress Free Zones", and we also inform the kids that it is also a ""Whine-Free Zone", too! Anytime anyone starts to stress or whine, they get called on it.

It works really well!

I'm designating this a Stress Free, BS Free WEEKEND!

Thanks for the great idea.

Hi Bugs,


....I like this even BETTER!

....and this GOODESS, reviewing her week....may have had a head start!

Let's see....

Last Sunday....went out to the MOVIES and SUPPER with a friend
Tuesday, met another friend for LUNCH....
Wednesday, monthly 'girly' get-together for SUPPER and getting HAIR color done...right (none of that salt and pepper look for this GOODESS!)
Thursday, again, a going-away fancy LUNCH for a co-worker moving on
....and last night, celebrating marriage of this very cute young couple and DANCED THE NIGHT AWAY until very, VERY LATE!

(....the best part being it WAS NOT a major trigger!)

.... so, a stress-free weekend will be the cherry on the sundae!

....hoping that this will be helpful to some newbies who may need to get on to PLAN B for all the right reasons, but are too scared to do so! (wink wink icon...)

Hey Luna,

Checking on you and it seems you are doing quite well. Doing good in GODDESS mode and taking care of yourself.

I'm right here praying for you every day that each day is good for you.

How nice to go through something and not be triggered. G-d is working in our lives and taking care of us, isn't he?

Hi Queenie,

THanks for checking in...so far so good!

It's a beautiful sunny day (we've had a lot of rain and it's been a bit unusual). Think I may want to get to some gardening backlog, or cook or get some washing done, or NOT....and may just read, watch some TV (I have decided to only watch comedies for a while... no dramas... because I need the laughs!)

Gonna go and check on your thread to see how you are doing.

Well, another challenge has been added to cart.

My dad is in his 70s. A few years back he had cancer and was operated on to remove the tumor, but never was able to fully complete the chemo. treatment that followed it, even after several adjustments of doses as it was doing more damage than good!

So here we are a few years later and it's back... elsewhere! They are reversing the order... doing chemo. first, hoping that the body has a better chance to cope with it, and if so, then consider operating.

Can't say it looks good.

A friend thought I should know that 'luckily' with age it's been found that cancer takes longer to spread... because I tend to agree, it's probably a case of 'buying' time. He has just started his treatment which should end in mid-October. So it's a 'wait and see' if he can get through it stage.

My parents live in another town, about a day's drive away. I am putting myself on 'standby' to taking a trip there, and keeping tabs on 'support system' in place - my mom and brother. I emailed WS about it, and that possibly there may be a last-minute schedule change for DS12 sometime in the future.

When I married WS, my parents opened up there home and hearts to him and 'adopted him' into our family like a son. WS came to love and appreciate them.... so I was not surprised to hear WS reply 'that if and when I needed him to take care of DS12 and cover my absence, there would be no problem'.

....when WS came to drop off DS12 the other day, and noticed I had bags of pebbles to transport to the backyard (which I planned on asking DS17 to help me transport), DS12 told me that WS was asking me to please allow him to do it. I hesitated ...I normally would have said and probably he expected me to say NO....so I said FINE!

I was saying 'YES' to that part of WS that must be hurting so badly of having placed himself in a position where he can't BE THERE for those he loves/loved???!!! ....or at least, that's how I choose to see it.

As I have often said,I would rather deal with the fall-out of being a BS by default, than be a WS having to face the consequences of our CHOICES... and choose to NOT look in the mirror hoping that would do the trick! ...NOT!

Luna,

I'm so sorry to hear about your dad. My dad passed away in 2003 from colon/pancreatic cancer. My mom also has cancer of the bladder, but she has been in remission for several years. My brother and I talk about how we now know how we're going to die.

My thoughts and prayers will be with you and your family.

Yes, I think we all agree that we would much rather be the BS in the end. Nice of your WH to carry the rocks back for you, but you know the caution flag is flying high. He's still WH.


(((Luna)))

Hi CL,

Thank you for your thoughts...and I am sorry about your parents, too.

...but maybe you can tell me since you have lived through the loss of your dad, and others that have...

...because I EXPECT the loss of my mom and dad to happen one day and for it to be painful, although I may not know yet how much (and definitely don't know what I am talking about because neither of them at this point is dead) ....because it is part of the cycle of life, the fact that I am proud of my parents and will continue to remember them with love in my heart and warmth.... I don't anticipate it to be AS PAINFUL as to loss of my little family and the trust in S due to affair, as it evokes feelings of shame, and because in actual fact WS is not PHYSICALLY dead, and the LOSS has somehow been created by CHOICE!


Yes he is... and he does this on a regular basis, just little things...I take it as a sign of the level of guilt he is feeling, looking for some sort of relief, because carrying those bags is just a drop in the bucket considering all the responsibilities he is 'ducking', and deep down I think he knows it and can't be proud... because when he was around, as a MAN, he took pride of taking care of the MANLY stuff around the house...

I suspect one of the reasons it's hard for a WS to de-fog is also having to face the LOSS of self-esteem and pride in themselves, and yet they are not be able to 'shake' those guilty feelings... because in affairland.... EVERYBODY loses!

...after being in Plan B this long...there is not too much BS fog left in me... and WS would have to WALK the talk for me to move out of it!

Luna,

It's so hard to lose a parent, but by the time my dad passed away it was clear that he didn't want to be here anymore. He was in too much pain. I think with cancer, the process is slow and you know it is coming. When it does, there is almost a relief that they aren't suffering anymore. It made it easier to let go I guess.

And yes, what we are going through is much more painful for all of the reasons that you mention. I believe it's easier to heal from a death than from a betrayal of the magnitute that we have blasted with.

Is your WH still with OP? Maybe things aren't what they seem over in the House of Ho.

Hi CL,

Thanks for your thoughts. I agree, as that's also how it happened with my aunt, my dad's sister. She was in such suffering and pain at the end that, her death was in fact seen as a relief for her and for us not to see her suffer so, and it did make dealing with her loss somewhat easier.


OP lives in a separate appt just above WS, and don't know if they ever intend to 'officially' live together. Maybe they're waiting for Plan D to happen to feel better about doing so?

....I think Plan D may help, but don't think it will totally wash away the blood from their hands, and suspect total relief from guilt will continue to remain...illusive.

Given what I know of WS/S and his personal challenges... shame, pride, fear of failure, difficulty in forgiving...HIMSELF... is what would keep WS from 'risking' M recovery... besides the obvious hurdle: withdrawal from OP!

...PLAN B terms, giving WS options, does not make it easier for WSs seeking relief from guilt, because they can't use BS as 'excuse' for loss of family... not surprising WSs would rather put OFF looking in the mirror!

...even after so long, WS's 'little' gestures continue to confirm that he has yet to overcome his...'inner conflicts'. I suspect WS hopes plan D may prove to be the 'quick fix' he's looking for.... I am not so sure it will be, because rather then relief it may also be a source of..regret!

...at this point, what I could do, by keeping the 'door open' I have done, the rest is out of my hands... and the focus of my efforts remains building a life for myself, with or without WS!

((((Luna))))

I'm sorry to hear about your dad. You know, my AuntD has had recurrences of breast cancer for most of my life. This last time around, it had metastasized to her spine. She is in complete remission right now; of course, her husband just passed, so we're all a little worried. Point is, you never know what could happen.

Such is life, right? My mother died at what I consider a young age. She died from metastatic breast cancer, at the age of 54. It was tough going some days, but not nearly as horrible as the WS roller coaster, I have to admit. I believe it's partly because the WS LIVES on, and the rejection continues for some time--Rejection of reality, rejection of marriage, rejection of the spouse, rejection of family, rejection of responsiblity, rejection of reason, and on and on...until the D is final. Then, who knows what they think. I sure don't wanna ever be on the wayward side of the fence.

Anyway, while there is still life left, live it. Prepare for what you must as things progress. I don't really believe there is any way to be READY for the death of a close loved one. You cannot grieve what is not lost, IMO. So don't. When you have the time to go see your dad and mom, take a book you know he likes, or a movie, or music. Talk, listen.

When my mom was sick, I would go to her house and brush her hair and talk. I am so happy that I did that, because in short order, the toxins built up in her body from her liver shutting down and she didn't know who I was anymore. I will cherish those memories forever. I brought her comfort in a not so comfortable time. She smiled and laughed a bit.

Luna,

I am sorry to hear about your Dad. I know the stress of the worry when our parents are going through times like this. Remember, all things are possible!


About this -

I found this comment interesting. It is definately your CHOICE to see the small gesture this way, as from a totally neutral position on the outside loooking in, this small thing does not carry this kind of weight. Is there something more to things he's done/said recently that would give you cause to take this point of view or is it a hopefully
'leap' on your part?

I don't want to sound harsh,,,but it is important for your personal well being to be honest with yourself. Steve pointed out to me the other day that it is very key that we do not give the WS credit for things they really don't do (in other words that we choose to view actions on their part as being more than they really are). He warned me to really question myself on this kind of stuff to see if it is a difference in HIM or in ME.

Forgive me, but I'm not sure what the status is on your D situation. What, if any, steps have been taken in that direction?

Again, praying for the best for your Dad!!

Hi SL and Bugs,

I appreciate your thoughts and concerns.

Just spoke to Mom...Dad already seems not to be taking well the chemo. treatments he has barely just started... and may soon be faced with the hard choice we hope to never have to face: do EVERYTHING possible at the cost of the quality of life of whatever time he has left...or not!


Bugs,

WS's moral compass went out the window with A...and his intention was that I continue to be in his life and do 'friendly' co-parenting (read: accept to be boxed in the 'mother-to-his-kids' role)and had planned on being there for me however and whenever it suited him... in other words, cake-eating, and avoid choosing or face any loss...

...so, WS did not want me out of his life, just wanted to change the dynamics enough to ADD OP to the mix...LOL! ....because of this, WS has had a hard time with plan B(thinking he was making an offer I couldn't refuse...NOT!), and has made numerous attempts at breaking Plan B, hoping I would 'come around'...but I have stuck to my guns!

... I guess that's why I believe deep down inside WS, there maybe S, and given Plan B's reality check, hurting very much at the loss in his life of me and his family ... only now appreciating what he HAD... but not enough to let go of OP....

..but if WS is struggling in any way, it's not something that I can help him with...

...and affairland apparently will soon be faced with yet another reality check. WS and OP were co-workers who 'blurred' professional boundaries (at the school DS12 attended!). Starting this summer, OP will no longer teach there and it should test OP's trust in WS in the workplace... uhmmmm ...


You're right, Bugs... I may have been indulging in some BS fog when I said that, but I may not be so off the mark given WS's continued interest in friendly co-parenting and offers to help... but also know full well (as I have reminded WS...often!) that the ONLY thing that will get me out of Plan B/D is N/C with OP...

(...and after so long, I really don't know what I would do were he to take me up on that offer NOW...but there is no use wasting energy on that!)


At this point for financial reasons, Plan D is on hold, as I have accepted to meet WS in several free mediation sessions, provided by the Court,to work out separation terms. Unless there are major issues, I expect Plan D to go through by the Fall. I am as ready for it as any BS can be.

I appreciate Plan B for the peace, serenity, and protection it has brought into my life (given that we are trying to raise two beautiful boys at the same time)... from the chaos and drama of WS's choices....and I intend to stay on course!

Luna,

You and your family will be in my prayers. Please keep us updated on your Dad.

Good girl as far as WH is concerned. Yes, they always want both, but Plan B forces a choice that they really don't want to make. Stick to your Plan B for YOU. It really is a protection plan for us and it does work. I think that we are all proof of it.

(((Luna)))

Hi CL,

Thanks for the thoughts.


Yeap...a non-choice by WS....is a choice....

...and Plan B becomes a serious option of protection from the 'emotional' abuse of A for a BS... it's easy to see this once in it, but I remember as a newbie, it was one of the hardest decisions I had to make....

Hopefully, our stories can encourage newbie BSs to have an easier time in choosing Plan B and help minimize the impact of the trauma...

I know what you are saying Luna. As a newbie for me, Plan B was a relief, but after a while it got scary. I've questioned many times whether Plan B was the right thing to do or not. My WH just kept lying and sneaking around after he pledged total honesty. I just felt like I didn't have a choice. You just can't have a real recovery if they aren't in it. I have to keep telling myself that I'm better off where I am than back in that big, secluded house with a H that continued to lie and cheat.