Chai - I just think that he is being very cruel to you. You have a long term marriage and a daughter together. Now he is on his second heart attack and you have no information. He is not treating you right.

Hopefully he will recover and get his head out of his [censored].

Believer,

Do I interpret that as he really does hate me or something else? I'm not quite sure how to take it. Maybe there really is nothing left there and I should just accept it, let go and move forward with the D as fast as I can and get out of this mess.

I don't look at it as him hating you. Just a proud man who won't give in. The two of you have many years together. He is being abusive to you not to let you know what is going on in his life. Especially when he is sick.

Hi CL,


Chai...I see that you have reached out...and it looks like he is choosing to not even acknowledge receipt!

...and since you are still M, at this stage, I would put some energy on getting information on where you stand financially and how to best protect yourself.

Not to start a fight here or anything, but if he's still in the hospital, maybe he doesn't have access to his cell phone?

Are patients even allowed to have their cell phones? Visitors aren't.

Then you have to think about...well...if he doesn't have his cell phone, who does?

Well, it stands to reason if OW has his cell phone she probably won't pass the message along, ain't it?

If anything, she will hit "delete."

And their are other variables as well.

Just my two cents. You can refund my money if you like.

Charlotte

Charlotte,

You have a point... cannot assume he got the message and is choosing not to reply.


Chai, you don't owe WS anything.... but how important is it to YOU to communicate to WS that you are reaching out? If so, you may need to take steps to find an 'intermediary' to help confirm that WS did, in fact, get your message.

It does sound like you may be uncertain which way to go.... risk feeling 'rejected' and further drain the lovebank?... or risk future regrets for not having done the 'right thing' by not reaching out?

...in that case, I say, be still for a moment... it is best that whatever you decide to do, that it not be....out of FEAR of anything!

CL,

Luna has made a good point and a good suggestion. You need to find out somehow if he has even received your message. If he is in pretty bad shape, then he might not even be able to read a text message on his phone. And many hospitals still require that cell phones be turned of and not used at all inside (though in this day and age I have no idea why) so he might not have gotten your message for that reason.

And just from what you have written here, you want to know how he is doing and would probably benefit in some ways by being there for him...

So contact someone who can get a message through to him and see if you would be not just rejected but also cause a ruckus by visiting him and maybe make the trip.

Yeah, I know it isn't Plan B protocol...Not everything goes exactly according to plan though, does it?

Mark

You know, if you can find out what hospital he's in, a lot of hospitals now have an email system where you can email a message to a patient and the hospital delivers it to them. I've done this several times for friends in the hospital.

What drained my love bank far into the red was that he used his condition as an excuse to become more selfish, more negligent, more of a victim, more cruel, more of everything that a Wayward is including dishonest. The lies he told while he was a WH were many but they were also pretty typical....the whoppers he told as a FWH during his illness still amaze me to this day.


It lead to a divorce because instead of protecting my love bank and preserving the energy and desire to recover the marriage (in other words, going to Plan B), I used my reserves to support him during his illness.

For that reason, I didn't file for divorce right away after separating. Instead, I continued working on my recovery while leaving the door open for FWH to begin marital recovery efforts. He didn't. When I could recover no farther while under the terms of separation, I filed for divorce. I left the door open during the divorce process for FWH to begin marital recovery efforts. He didn't but by that time I was relieved and grateful that he didn't.


I would take a lot better care of myself throughout the ordeal. To start with, I wouldn't commit to staying with him until the end....I would put conditions on how long I would/could stay with him. I would use the counseling and support groups that were offered to the spouses even though he was against it. I would probably go back to Alanon or another Codependency support group instead of letting my triggered codependency issues run rampant without realizing it. And that's just for starters.


ETA: What I don't think that I made clear is that I had a Plan B date scheduled when FWH was diagnosed and he asked me to stay with him during treatment. That's why I was in a position to have to choose one or the other.

Thanks LB, it gave me a lot to think about.

It sounds as though DD took the liberty to embellish a little. Seems he was not feeling well and was going to the hospital thinking it may be another one coming on. At this point looks like he is OK.

I didn't even get an acknowledgment to my text though. One would think that he would at least have the courtesy to say he's OK.

I'm beginning to think this man is truly an [censored]. I'm thinking back to when it got hostile and it was when I found out he lied and cheated AGAIN after several false recoveries, which led me to force the acceptance of the contract we had on the house. He in no way takes any responsibilty for the fact that he left me there alone for 2 years while he secretly lived with OP. Unbelievable. Is this REALLY a typical WS? I'm beginning to think not.

You're beginning to think......

You think he's not typical of a very foggy WS......


Chai, you're smarter than that! Of course he is truly an.....And I have a feeling he's pretty typical of a stupid, selfish WS.



Well, your daughter embellished. Glad you saved your money.

I don't know Cinderella. He seems worse than typical to me. Off the scale. Maybe it's because I'm the one covered in cr@p while you all just have to smell it.

Chai,

I'm so sorry for the turmoil you have been in. As DSS says all too often, "That really sucks".

You ask the question about 'typical' in regards to your WH. While I am the first to attest that most WS's are alike, each one has some of their very own unique quirks and specifc ways in which they are able to hurt us (especially when we open the door sometimes).

I don't know that what or why of what he is doing or has done.

I do know that it's most important to try to get yourself back on an even keel now that you know he's not as bad off as you had been lead to believe.

Lots of times in my sitch, when I've gotten into this kind of turmoil, I think back what I consider my first 'successful' days in Plan B. I make myself remember the things I did, the steps I took that helped me with being more at peace. Then, I force myself to go back and do them all again.

What has really worked for you in the past?

{{{Chai}}}

{{{{{{{Chai}}}}}}}}

I'm glad its not serious, but I'm sorry you are hurting through this.

Silly waywards

Chai,

Give yourself a break. Your WH is as wayward as they come. Like Bugsy said, they are all alike but have their only little quirks, and je ne sais quoi. This just goes to show you that you cannot rely on ANYTHING your DD says to you. Verify, without offering ANYTHING at first.

Now, get back to the silence. It's golden.

Bugs, Queenie, SL,

I guess they all have their quirks. Why do they have to be so mean and nasty? What happened to common courtesy? Or human respect?

Why would I even want to recover with such an [censored]?

Chai,

You are experiencing exactly why you don't break Plan B for anything except a serious commitment to recovery. Your love bank is bleeding out right now. Can you see it? We can.

Back to darkness, sweetie. It's for your own good.

Take a little time to vent it out, but back to the dark for you.

I'm late to the party, but SL summed it up. He's still VERY wayward, so you don't want anything to do with him.

(((CL)))

Chai,

You DON'T want to reconcile with the [censored]. You want to reconcile with your H.

2 different people.

This was really hard for me, too. It's STILL hard. At first it's hard because we want to understand how the man we loved, and who seemed to deserve/earn our love could turn now be such a monster.

Now, I am trying to understand IF my H is really emerging or not.

So, at this point for you, SL is right. Darkness and silence is golden. He's still the WH.

You will only be hurt with less than darkness.

Well, yes, I now understand this. They have a way of making us feel worthless. The hostility is making me feel guilty, like this was all my fault. I was a bad wife, mother, etc. If I somehow would have done things differently, none of this would have happened.

I seem to be having a harder time coping with the down cycles lately and I'm not sure why. For several months, I was on a pretty even ride - some downs, some ups, but the ups lasted quite a while. I got through. Lately the downs seem lower and longer than before. I'm just not understanding this. It's supposed to get better with time, right?

Is this part of the process? Is this the part where you realize that you really are going to be D'd and that they aren't going to come back? That you'll face life alone?

I don't know. I wish I undertsood this better.