THANKS!!! This is what I NEED to pick myself up!!! I AM WEAK!!! I want to be strong!!! I see too it has been two months and 10 pgs.... It's time for me to get off my own fence and do something. I think it needs to hit hard. Like everyone says, get your ducks in a row.

First I will try to get together for coffee. Face to face with her, I'd like to ask her if she has told OM that I know about them. And discuss the topics I just posted above. Tell her what I know, without letting the cat out of the bag that I get into her emails.
Then it will be to Expose. I will do it! I'm saying it out loud here and to myself, Expose! I have nothing to loose!

Then the lawyer, seperation put into place.

Then I continue with my 180 for myself and and be strong for her while her "happiness and fun" crashes around her. I will continue Plan A and stay in contact with her being the "lighthouse"

BTW: I'm going to print this right now...put on my fridge so I can see it. Whenever I get off this site hours latter I forget my direction.....

I think you're still stalling and seeking desperately for justification to NOT act.

So you're going to be out of town Thurs - Sun ... THIS IS TUESDAY!!!

Why not expose TODAY and TOMORROW???

Quit sitting there allowing your WW to continue to humiliate you further ... DO SOMETHING ... NOW!!!

Seriously, there has to be SOME self-respect in you somewhere ... why continue to torture yourself. MAN-UP and stand up for yourself, if not for your M.

If you've gotten the kick you needed, why can't you call her sisters and parents today?

Why?

OK MyRevelation,

I'm working on it as we speak!!!

I've got all the email addresses for her parents/sisters/those close friends....
I've have the phone #s to her parents/sisters

I believe it was Turtlehead that had a good way of wording what I have to say, I'll go back and find that and have it printed off for the phone conversations/ emails....
I'm actually shaking !! I'm so scared but I'm convincing myself right now to keep moving forward. It needs to be in the open, she's enjoying her secret life.

Can you guys help me in what I should say to her when I get the backlash? What NOT to say? I know I need to stay strong and tell her that I'm fighting for this marriage.

There is an old saying that goes something like:

"There is no one more free, than he who has nothing to lose"

... and isn't that exactly where you find yourself. Your WW has already checked out of the M ... what have you got to loose by doing something different. So you stand up for yourself ... she may be pi$$ed, but she can't EAT you ... she can't DOUBLE divorce you.

Remember, you are the one in the "right" here ... YOU have done nothing wrong, so why act like it??? Stand tall, throw back your shoulders ... walk the walk & talk the talk of the indignant ... speak rationally and calmly, but with a PURPOSE.

She is "screwing" you figureatively, while she is "screwing" the OM literally. This ALONE should spur you into ACTION.

Others here are much better at giving you the correct words to use to counter the fog-babble ... I'm much more of a straight talker for most of the other personalities here. If you are ready to take action, then I have served my purpose ... let the others do what they do best.

C'mon MB vets, this BH is ready to take action ... give him the words he needs to make it EFFECTIVE.

MyRevelation,
Thanks so much and I'm happy you are on this forum. I need a straight talker to get me moving!
Everyone else here has been SO GREAT WITH THEIR SUPPORT! I need it more now than ever. AND I need to listen and put into action what you all say to do!
I just got off the phone with lawyer's assistant. The actual lawyer is on holidays until Aug. 19th. So I should be able to have the seperation papers ready for the last week in Aug. I have a choice and not sure what I'd like to do. The lawyer said that I can present them myself to her or they will give them to her/her lawyer. As far as I know she doesn't have a lawyer yet or even talked to one but the last time I asked her was 3-4 weeks ago and she couldn't do anything until the apprasial was done. She got a copy of that only 5 days ago.
Should I tell WW that the papers will be ready for last week in Aug or surprise her? For now expose and Plan A if given the chance for the next 2-3 weeks?
I find it hard to wrap my head around the fact that I will be exposing her which will make her VERY UPSET but that I will be trying to Plan A her with light-hearted emails, or asking her for coffee etc. Is this normal?

I was hoping that you had spent the last hour and a half EXPOSING your WW's affair, but instead you were simply "spinning your wheels" on something that won't be done for 2-3 weeks.

WHY???

I'm wondering the same thing. I haven't checked out your thread for a few days, and figured I'd stop in to see how exposure worked out for you. I guess I know the answer to that question. What exactly are you waiting for?

It should read..."just got off the phone with my WW's PARENTS".

committed

And this fits into Plan A, how exactly?
How is it meeting her ENs?
How is it avoiding Love Busters?
Invite her for coffee, yes. Talk about the R, no.
Talk about how good she looks, how busy you've been with the house, give her the pic of the cats and the new bedspread. But NO relationship talk.

No, it is time to expose NOW. Exposure is your very strongest tool right now. Use it! Every hour you delay is another hour your WW is fantasizing about OM and how peachy their romance is. Every hour hour you delay exposing her, is another hour she builds him up in her mind, and tears you down.

I totally understand shaking. I would be shaking, too. Don't worry about it. The folks you're going to be talking to will understand. If they hear it in your voice they'll only hear the pain; they won't judge, they'll only empathize.

As for your WW - remember, the more angry she gets over exposure, the better! You want a maelstrom here. You want to shine a huge glaring spotlight on their Affair. It won't look *nearly* so pretty under bright lights and the scrutiny of those whose opinions she values.

Think of her as a little kid. You're taking away her shiny plaything. The bigger the reaction from her, the more impact you're having. You WANT impact. You want it in a big way. Embrace her flipped out temper tantrum. The more vile hateful things she says, the more you can pat yourself on the back and know you did the right thing.

But ONLY if it's necessary to protect your investment in the house. If your lawyer says you've got an open-and-shut case because she moved out on X date and ceased contributing at that point, then no need to have papers drawn up. Separation papers do NOT serve to get your marriage back. Sure, do it if you have to in order to protect yourself, but otherwise there's no need.

Let us know how exposure went.
You CAN do this.
It's simple, but not easy. Far from easy.

Dude,

""I find it hard to wrap my head around the fact that I will be exposing her which will make her VERY UPSET but that I will be trying to Plan A her with light-hearted emails,""

The carrot and the stick of plan A eggzachery!!

Why are you still SO TIMID???!!!

You should be filled with indignation and resentment! You should be rushing to EXPOSE!!

You must suck it up, grit your teeth and ACT!!

You are enabling the A to continue by your timid inaction!! You are allowing your Wife to continue to be intimate with another man.

SNAP OUT OF IT!

kirk

Alone:

I'm not going to beat you up over not exposing YET.

That's your choice.

The first rule of getting out of a hole is to "stop digging"

Your digging.

Do the exposure.

Your WW isn't in the fog, you are.

If your WW called you today and said that she didn't like her current apartment, and wanted the house, because she thought it would be a better place to sleep with OM, you would move out the next day, right? You wouldn't want her upset, now would you?

About this LINE:


You not upset at all by her actions, are you? Your acceptance of her affair, and her actions allow her to proceed with impunity.

Would it be strange to have everyone calling her and asking her "Who is OM? and "Why are you doing that!" and then when she calls YOU, all you say is: "I am doing EVERYTHING I can to save my marriage, want to go to a movie?"

Yes, it isn't normal. Your wife is banging another guy and you are accepting that. If, so. Fine. Go to the lawyers office and finalize the paperwork, and finish the divorce, and be done with her.

But this is a site about PLANS. And the PLAN is expose, and then meet EN's as best you can, (Plan A) and become a better person.

Your plan is dithering.

And that gets you nowhere closer to your goal. If your goal is to save your M.

MyRev and the others are being harsh. In your case, there is reason to be. Stand up for yourself. If for NO OTHER reason, if she NEVER comes back, then you can look yourself in the mirror and say "I FOUGHT the good fight"

The bell's ringing and your still in the corner.

You may get your butt beat out there. BUT GO. EXPOSE, and then deal with her anger, put the pitbull attorney on her for the D settlement and GO. The blood washes away, but the stain of your meekness will stay forever. Unless, you finally answer the BELL!

LG

First, BE MAD! Think mad, stay mad, feel mad! You NEED that anger to sustain you.

Mind, you don't show her that anger, you just let it fuel you to do what's right. Let it fuel you to save her from herself. Let it fuel you to take the high road, remind anyone who questions you that YOU are the one in the right, YOU are the one being moral, YOU are the one caring about and loving the other person. How can anyone get mad at that?

Of course, WW will be mad, but that's only because she's a drug addict right now, and you're trying to take away her sick drug. Addicts will kick and scream and make fools of themselves while they're still in the throes of needing the next fix.

Eventually, if this gets her out of her affair, she'll clear the fog and realize the horror she's done to you. THEN, she'll come back and thank you for having faith in her and rescuing her from herself.

But for now, you call/email everyone you know, everyone she knows (and OM knows), tell them what she's doing (without criticizing her), ask for their help in getting her to realize what she's doing is wrong. Then, you practice your quick, simple, easy mantra that you will repeat to her over and over and over again after every piece of vitriole she spits at you: "I'm sorry you're upset, but I'm fighting to save my marriage."

Do NOT try to reason with her. DO NOT! Useless and might give her ammunition to use against you. Just keep repeating your mantra every time she screams at you, tells you that you just screwed up your last chance with her (yeah, right).

My favorite that I've seen here is returning nonsense babble right back at her, something like "I'm sorry you're upset. Would you like some applesauce?" or "I'm sorry you're upset. I started walking every day, did I tell you?" or "I'm sorry you're upset. I'm renting a carpet cleaner next week."

Just stay calm, keep repeating the mantra. In a week or two, you can maybe talk more; for now, don't worry about it.

I made my first call!!!
I'm in the game! I spoke to her older sister, who is my age a few years older than my WW. I talked to her for an hour. She listened intently but you could tell what I said hurt her to hear about her sister. Of course she said that if she has to pick sides she will support "blood" and I said I understand but that both of us need support right now but I'm not trying to get her family to pick sides. She said of course we all care for you, but it is WW's decision to make, all they can talk to her about is making a decision and she should let me know where our relationship stands.

Overall, this is what I was expecting. She said that she questions if I should call her parents, that they don't want to be involved. That my WW needs to make her own decisions and they need to let her do that on her own. Doesn't look like I get much support from them....just as suspected.

I left a message on her other sisters machine, hopefully she'll call me sometime later today.

I have 2-3 other people that are close friends of hers that I don't have phone #s for, so I will email them today....

Holly crap am I scared! But it did feel good to talk to her sister, she knows I'm trying to save this.

You aren't asking them to pick sides...make that clear to them. All you can do is tell them the facts and hope that they don't enable her to continue the A.

Call her parents anyway.
They may not want to be involved, and that's fine, they don't have to be involved.

BUT they at least need to hear from your mouth that you are hurt by this and you're fighting to save your M.

WW might be (and probably is) spinning the story to her advantage, telling how unavailable you are/were, how you never understood her, how you don't really care.... her parents need to know you DO care.

They may not get involved, but they'll listen to their daughter with an appropriate filter after they've talked to you.

AND when WW realized you've told them about her affair, she'll feel them looking at her with judgmental eyes, whether or not they are. This is important.

Do expose to WWs parents.


Hey, you grew a pair!
Congrats!!!

So here's how it's working, not very good on my end of things...

First sister- listened, said she will bring it up that WW needs to talk to me and let me know how she is feeling about where we stand next time she sees WW but there are no plans to anytime soon.
Second sister- no call back yet.
WW Parents- don't want to be involved, know I'm trying, care about me but want to stay out, don't want them to tell them what's happening, though I have slid it in that I'm VERY hurt by some of the worst actions that WW could do to me.
#1 Best Girl Friend- doesn't want to get involved, has gone back into hiding. Was in hiding to both myself and WW for the whole month of June, came back and emailed me a bit but won't return a call. She has been told of PA
#2 Best Girl Friend- Away from town from beginning of June until end of Aug. I've kept in touch with her. She told me she has not been in contact with WW since she left last time I asked her @ end of June. She had no idea WW was moving out and was shocked when I told her about PA. The OM is a friend of hers...BUT she will not contact WW or OM

Only a couple long shots left, 2-3 of her GFs, including the one she lives with but they don't know me or hung around with me. Only have their emails. Their support will be loyal to WW.

I've done my best, there is no church, or anything else that she attends. I have told my friends, family and a few of the mutual friends we have together from years ago when we worked together (how we met)....

This really sucks!! It's not much of an exposure! We just really don't have a very large circle of friends and it doesn't help that the ones she's hanging with now are old high school friends or new work pals that I don't know.

She really is running in a different life that I don't have much influence on.

So, now where do I go?

I think I will keep up with my next email for the week (the cats pic) and of course keep it light-hearted.

I talked to a friends GF today a little and mentioned that she is keeping all my emails. She says it means nothing. What probably means more is her removing the "Married" status from Facebook. When she got too much of a reaction to her putting "Seperated" from others she quickly left it blank. In any case these little actions mean very little compared to the fact that she is still in contact with OM and PA'ing and that those actions out-weigh ANYTHING ELSE. How very true......

I think I'm going to have my friend drive by OM's house M-F early morning like he did before and record how many times WW car is there overnight.
I can also tell when WW is at OM house because she doesn't have internet at her apartment and uses his so I can see the time that she sends messages from either her email or Facebook. (seems kinda funny that WW is at OM's house reading my emails and keeps them BUT can't respond)

The proof is in the pudding.

I'm thinking Plan A a bit more? Those emails and maybe see if I can meet with her a week or so from now? I'm still working on this 180 and want to show her I'm doing it.

Quick question about trying to email these other 2-3 GF of WW who don't know me.

I want to email them saying who I am and that I'm contacting you because I'm trying to save my marriage, I know that you know my WW very well and that you are a good friend of hers. We have been having our troubles and would like to ask for your support for both myself and WW. I would like to discuss this further on phone, please call me @ XXXXXXX.

Good idea/Bad idea???

Bad idea. They will most likely call WW first and then she will then do damage control and get them to believe her story.

Why are you afraid to come right out and tell them the truth. You can never go wrong telling the truth.

Grow a pair. If you can't go to Wal Mart and by your self a pair. There down the health care aisle. Next to the boxes of testosterone.

Just email them and say she's left your marriage via having an affair. You want her back, despite what's happened, so if they see any way to help your W see her way back to the marriage and away from the man who took her away from her husband, well, you'd appreciate any help.

Don't talk to W about anything but cat pictures, etc.