Emmy,

I see you writing a great deal about how your husband did not meet your needs.

What I don't see:

You and/or your husband going to counseling together PRIOR to your affair, to discuss the fact that you were feeling the need to step outside your marriage to have your needs met. -I went to MC twice for a year and did speak with my H in depth about the feelings I was having about stepping outside of the M. I even printed up some MB material to help him to help me. He did little.

Open and radical honesty with your husband regarding your needs.-I have been open and radically honest with him about my needs. I even told him when I was really liking the attention I got from OM before the A started. I asked him to please look at the EN Questionnaire we had just done (we do it every 6 months or so) and please ask me if he needed help on how to meet the ENs he wasn't meeting. Again, he worked, came home, ignored me and went to bed.

Open and radical honesty with your husband regarding what his needs are, especially with regards to the fact that he would rather be working than at home with YOU......-We do the EN Questionnaire about every 6 mos as I said above. I have been working on meeting his needs and never stopped trying until I got sick. Even then, I have tried, just not as dilligently as before.

Open and radical honesty with your husband regarding the fact that you have been having sex with a so-called friend.-Agreed.

Filling out the Emotional Needs Questionnaire either with or without your husband and working on meeting those needs FOR HIM, in order to meet his needs and make him WANT to be home to meet YOURS.-As I said, we do this often. This is an area of this situation where you cannot fault me. I did my homework and followed through completely for 7 solid years.

Spending 15 hours a week with your husband, and POJAing with him to be sure that he works toward making it a priority to be at home with you. As a MBer, you would have worked toward this end, and not taken "no" as an answer. Maybe an effort to go see him for lunch every day (since you don't work) might have jump-started things, instead of spending time trying to steal time with your OM....Not taking "no" as an answer became a painful process and left me feeling extremely hopeless. So I moved on to other parts of the MB plan I could control. Avoiding LBs, trying to add units to his LB. And I do work. I own a business and work a great deal from my home office. His work is over an hour away and I am unable to join him for lunch.

I've just mentioned a few MB ideas. I just don't see that you can justify your affair, Emmy. Nope.

You are wrong in what you are doing.-what I *WAS* doing. The A has been over for quite some time. We just run into each other in social settings occasionally.

Wrong to not tell your Betrayed Husband.-I don't agree that it is the best course of action, no.

OH.....WAIT......but you just said your OM is soooo much better.....-I actually specifically said he was NOT the man for me and I wanted to work on my marriage, which is why I'm here. But you sure don't make it easy, do you?

Have you told your H that you feel so close to giving up? I don't mean in a threatening way, but an honest to goodness, heart-to-heart "look, we're in real trouble here and I need your help getting this out of the ditch."

Until then, please keep your comments to constructive ones. Your abuse is not welcome here.

I'm not giving up. At least, not on the marriage. I just want to give up on the idea that he will ever do more than kiss me on the forehead and bring home a paycheck. I want to know how to stop having so many ENs so I can go back to being happy with what he is able to give me. I want to get over missing being everything to someone, even if it was a fantasy.

No, I would sooner take my own life than give up on my marriage.

To those leaving harsh comments:

For someone in my shoes to come for help and be beaten down for asking by strangers who, instead of learning all the details would rather make assumptions and take out their own frustrations on someone who really needs help? Physician heal thyself. When you no longer need to be here to improve your own marriage, then you can call me whatever names you like.

Until then, please keep your comments to constructive ones. Your abuse is not welcome here.

I'm not abusing you, but I would like to know how having sex with a man who is a swinger made you feel special.

I understand that you felt like you were getting enough attention from H, but how does running the risk of getting STDs from a man to whom sex means NOTHING but a selfish way to "get off", help you feel special?

Do you see that something is "off" here?

To those leaving harsh comments:

For someone in my shoes to come for help and be beaten down for asking by strangers who, instead of learning all the details would rather make assumptions and take out their own frustrations on someone who really needs help? Physician heal thyself. When you no longer need to be here to improve your own marriage, then you can call me whatever names you like.

Until then, please keep your comments to constructive ones. Your abuse is not welcome here.

You've told us you have been studying the MB concepts for 8 years, yet you had an affair despite knowing how it would destroy your husband and family.

Would you mind pointing me to the sentence that is supposed to help my situation? Thanks.

Well, you are quite foggy and looking for someone to appease your guilt from what you have done. YOu have justified your affair and upheld your OM.

And then you have the audasity to call those who came to your aid??? I am not understanding why??

Oh, and many that have replied to you HAVE improved their Marriages. They are here helping those like ME get through the utter chaos and he77 our spouses affairs have put us through......

not2fun

ps..and you say you bent over backwards to meet your H's needs??? Wonder if HE would agree with that assessment...

It's obvious to me that your spouses A is affecting your judgement of me and your ability to read.

I am not trying to appease any guilt. NONE. I have not justified anything. I'm not asking for forgiveness or someone to say "GO! YAY!". I'm trying to do the right thing and folks who are too hurt from their own experience are pushing that off on me and making it difficult to get the help I need to do what is right.

I thank you to please not post again on this topic.

I'm trying to do the right thing

It's obvious to me that your spouses A is affecting your judgement of me and your ability to read.

I am not trying to appease any guilt. NONE. I have not justified anything. I'm not asking for forgiveness or someone to say "GO! YAY!". I'm trying to do the right thing and folks who are too hurt from their own experience are pushing that off on me and making it difficult to get the help I need to do what is right.

I thank you to please not post again on this topic.

Would you mind pointing me to the sentence that is supposed to help my situation? Thanks.