I will admit that i havent communicated my feelings in the past b/c it seem that they fell on deaf ears so I quit doing i
And this is how resentment builds up over time till it becomes entitlement.
Resentment is layered upon resentment until we feel entitled to whatever we want at the time. It is where the justifications used to validate an affair come from. It removes the "I will" and replaces it with "I deserve" until all that matters is our own selfishness.
So often when someone has an affair they say that it was because they deserved to have their ENs met. But most often, the BS wasn't getting their ENs met either. The difference that matters is when one chooses to have an affair rather than dealing with the unmet ENs.
"He never listens to me..."
"He stays late at work too often..."
"I tried to tell him what I wanted...""
"_______________" Fill in the blank.
None of them make an affair the right choice...
When we try to learn to negotiate for what we want, we all seem to have the same problem. Rather than resolving conflict, we seek to avoid it. It leads to lies that deepen over time...
Lies about how we really feel...
Lies about what we really want...
Lies about what we are happy with and what makes us unhappy...
Lies of omission and lies of "Nothing."
We try to keep the peace instead of solving the problem...
And we resent it because we aren't getting what we want.
We put it all into a gunny sack and carry it with us until we dump it all out at once. We claim that it was all our spouse's fault that we were so burdened with the resentment.
But WE are the ones who chose to carry it with us rather than dealing with it. We can fix it or we can drop it, but when we carry it with us, it fuels our resentment until we feel entitled...
And then we selfishly choose to fulfill ourselves at the expense of those we love...
You see, the REASON for an affair is selfish entitlement.
Lack of respect, for our spouse, for our vows and our values and for ourselves gives us the fuel we need to let it happen.
Resentment destroys our respect. Unless we deal with the resentment, it eats away until we choose to be selfish. And the resentment comes from our choosing to avoid conflict rather than resolving it.
You stopped sharing because he stopped listening and somewhere along the way, you stopped caring. But you chose to stop sharing. You felt you were not getting through so you decided to stop trying. And when you stopped trying he had no chance to hear anything, since nothing was being said.
In a marriage it is up to the husband to meet the needs of the wife and up to the wife to meet the needs of the husband...
But it is MY responsibility to express my needs and MY responsibility to let them be known. If I can't get my wife to understand my needs, it is MY responsibility to get her to understand. If I give up and stop trying, that is MY choice.
So each of us is responsible for getting our own needs met by our spouse. If we can't, do we ever reach a point where it is justifiable to go elsewhere?
If a marriage is broken, it should be fixed or done away with. But replacing it should only be done after it is dissolved. Until then, it is still a marriage and should be maintained as such.
If it's bad enough to leave, then leave it...
If it isn't so bad that you want to abandon it, then fix it or live with it...
A marriage is 50% each spouse's. If I fix my half, the whole improves. If my spouse fixes nothing, the marriage is still better than before. Even if I become perfect, the marriage is still half mine. Breaking my vows is a choice I have to make. It has nothing to do with my spouse at all.
The key to remaining faithful is knowing what to do if our needs aren't being met by our spouse. Many reasons can exist for that happening. They might be neglecting us, but they might also be mobilized by the military or be hospitalized for a prolonged period, or have a deadline at work and have to work long hours. Or maybe they to are in a state of withdrawal and simply don't care any more. But what we choose to do about it is what makes us remain faithful or become cheaters.
Plan A is all about putting self on hold for the sake of the marriage. It is what should be done in marriage anyway. It gives a BS something to work on that they can control. It lets them work on him or herself...even though their own ENs are not being met and even though they are being love busted continuously.
It's how a marriage can be turned around...even before it has been broken by adultery, lies and deception. It is what we each can do to remain faithful because we choose to. It isn't about anything a BS does, did or didn't do, but a failure to protect ourselves that leads to an affair. It is choice that we each have to make.
Sorry so long winded, but I get on a roll...
And don't have time to do IM type stuff...
Mark