this is adult conversation
he gave you information (you didn't like it but it was honest insight into his current level of functioning)

suggestion:
listen differently
assume he means every word he says literally

try to listen to him next time - without putting your opinions/desires into his ears or into his mouth

just listen
just listen
just listen

Pep

Truly, I have no interest in talking to my husband unless the intent is reconcilation.

There is no sense in applying the marriage builders concepts unless he wants to make it work.

I feel like a victim in all this because I tried to talk to him about separating 3 times since December -- each time he didn't go nor did he take me up on my offer to go and stay with my family. So then he sandbags me anyway?????

We could have done this calmly and rationally but no, he has to pull the rug from under me and pack up while I am at work, drive me home, talk to me about what we are going to have for dinner and then drops the bombshell.

AND, somewhere along the way, he failed to tell me that he didn't want to have kids with me. So he has crushed my dreams of having a family.

That is all I wanted in life -- to be happy with him, to have a home, a good job, and children. I even took a demotion last year because my old position was stressing me out and this job offered me a schedule that was more conducive to having a family.

I am not so overly career minded that I ignored my husband. For the most part, we spent our free time together.

just listen and don't make judgements

say things like:
"tell me more"
or
"go on"
or
"is there anything else you'd like to share"

"no? OK - thanks for sharing"


you seem quite the bossy mommie when it comes to your husband - and apparently he resents you terribly

soften up
become all ears and a very tiny little mouth

see what you can learn by listening

good luck

Pep

I think there may be another woman somewhere in the woodpile. It does sound like you need to make some changes, but he threatened to leave before, but didn't. It sounds like he is the type that doesn't want to be alone.

Why did he move 40 miles away from your home?

The reason he hasn't file for divorce may be that he is trying out the other relationship.

His parents are planning to move back into town in October sometime and his story is that he wanted to be near them. They wanted a house with some land but will be on a retirement budget so they need to move further away from the city in order to get more property for less.

However, my in-law's plans flap in the breeze -- when I talked to my mother in law back in April, she said they were looking at various communities but the one he chose was not one of them.

So, who knows. . .that was his story anyway . . .to be near his parents when they came back.

P.S. When I last talked to my MIL, they could not sell their house and were pushing my father in laws retirement back to January 2009. Unless he can find another job and then they will go where his job takes them. . . .sweet people and I love them to death but they aren't real stable . . .can't count on em to make a plan and stick to it.

FYI, when we were in our "getting to know each other" phase, he still had a girlfriend -- said it was on and off and that she was seeing another guy and that she was crazy and had threatened to kill herself, etc. Before things with us progressed, I told him he had to break up with her. So he did. . .in the exact same fashion in which he left me - packed up in the middle of the day. Problem is . . she caught him and broke his nose! Anyway, it fits his pattern. . don't leave one until you have another one lined up. . . .I confronted him with that theory and he was infuriated . . .said our marriage was nothing like that old relationship. . .who knows. . .at this point I feel like my marriage was a complete lie.

Thanks for weighing in believer.

MMM,

Please listen to these posters. They know what they are talking about...they've lived it.

I hear you saying you threatened to separate three times in what, five months(?) before he chose to not threaten and move out, is that correct?

Or is that my filter showing...where you said to him, "I'm unhappy and I want to talk about separating"...not threats of it? Because even if my DH would have said it like that, I would have heard a threat...because I felt threatened with abandonment.

After the third time, I might have gotten to the point where I would just leave (because I was DJing he wanted me to) to protect myself from the "How 'bout now, are you leaving to go live with family now, how 'bout now?"

Please independently verify that he's not having an A...hire a PI or ask friends to help you in finding out. The money, the move out, yes, seems like walkaway wife syndrome, might be something else. Up to you to find out and know the truth, so you can address what is real and what's not.

Listen to Pep about listening...because if you truly are only willing to stand for your marriage based on his choices, then there's no one standing for your marriage.

If you listened to know and understand...now that would be truly an act of love, standing for your marriage, and doing what is within your control...not based on what he does or doesn't want.

What you want.

LA

Clarification:

In December -- we had been arguing a lot and he had blown up and said he wanted to leave but I convinced him to see a therapist. I was trying really hard to make things right and no matter what I did or said it was wrong. So I said to him, "if you are planning to leave after Xmas, then you should just go now" He said he didn't have any grand master plan.

February: After another incident where he was just blasting me, I asked him if he wanted me to go and spend some time with my Grandma (lives nearby) in order to give him some space. His reply: Do you really think that is going to make things better? My response: Well, yeah, considering you are saying that my behavior is what caused this mess. He said it wouldn't help. So, I stayed. . .

March: After another squabble, I made the same offer. . .to spend some time at my Grandma's. His response: "Do whatever you want." A few hours later, I told him that I would like to stay if he would have me. I don't remember if he said anything but we hugged and I stayed. . .

I didn't threaten him . . .I was trying to give him space. He doesn't have any family in town and since I had a place to go, I thought I was doing a good thing by making the offer.

Since he didn't go anywhere and didn't ask me to leave, I figured there must be something else in addition to the relationshp problems that was contributing to his depression.

Then he left anyway. . .

And why did he pick a place 40 miles from your home? Is it close to his work?

I would get a copy of the cell phone bill and see if one number pops up 300 times.

See above . . .believe it or not we were probably the only two humans on the planet that didn't have cell phones. He's got one now. . . it is his primary phone. So I don't have access to it. And we never joined our credit cards so I can't snoop there either.

Are you 10?

No, but your take on this situation calls into question your apparent lack of maturity. While her husband certainly owns some of the problems that they had...an abuser...a long time abuser certainly is responsible for the majority of the issues. Suggesting that he is equally responsible fails to take into account the very real nature of abuse.

MEDC...you are a stalwart of not telling others how to post. How on earth does this match your code?

You attack the poster and then their opinion. And you're on the a board for abused women, correct? I remain astonished and concerned.

LA

Hey now folks. . . I thought I was the one with the anger issues?

I would keep open the idea that there might be another woman. The best predicter of future behavior is past behavior.

The only reason you need to know is because it will influence how you fight for your marriage.

You said you have been to lots of counseling for your behavior. Hope you have figured out if it is caused by FOO issues, or by not other issues.

One thing you can do now is email chatty, cheerful things to him. He has told you that he doesn't want to talk on the phone. Please respect that.

MMM,

LOL...my bad. I'll revise it. Good catch.

LA

Emotional abuse doesn't occur in a vacuum. He certainly shares responsibility for failing to maintain his own boundaries. Passivity can be a kind of enabling behavior.

We don't have her H's side of the equation and oftentimes the people who show up here tend to self-flagellate above and beyond what they might actually deserve.

I credit her with the ability to recognize what she's been doing. She doesn't always get it, but she does happen to be the one who came here and she is the one showing some effort.

In any case, if you want to disagree with what I said, then disagree with it. Mocking my observation with a smilie without providing any reason or follow up is bushleague.

What is FOO? and what is SF? I sometimes don't know all the code words. .. .thanks!

LA, the day I start worrying about your view of things has not yet come. I suspect it never will.


eta...suggesting to someone that their posts shows a lack of maturity in no way is telling them how to post. Perhaps you need to re-read the post.

Never have I seen such a rude comment on this forum!!!


*edit*

thank you. I appreciate your .....oops, I was wrong..I can't think of anything that I appreciate. Nonetheless, thank you for sharing your eloquently stated opinion.