Luna,

I forgot to ask you before - is the OP in your case M?

Hi CL,


She left her second M of over 25 years for WS, but exOWH is not the father of her 3 grown children, who are out on their own, and in fact OP is already a grandmother. Her first S and father of her children cheated on her and left when children were very young. So, OP had been a BS and knows exactly the toll an affair has on a family, or maybe it's a reason she can use to justify her actions or to even out the score.

Soon after D-day I did speak to OWH, because WS wanted me to think that he was OK with OP wanting to end M. Yeah, exOWH was 'going along' because he was in shock and didn't know what he could do, and was devasted, suffering from depression (and suicide attempts may have been involved) after OP confessed A to him. Her children as well were devastated apparently, now having both a father AND a mother as 'cheaters'. Soon after, OP got a divorce. Guess it's WS turn to prove his love for her by doing the same, and is just taking a little longer to do it. I wouldn't be surprised if OP is getting impatient.

WS is involved in what is considered a romantic affair (very high on intensity!), and he and OP see themselves as 'soulmates', and that should make it OK to destroy two families. I don't know what the deal is though, as they are choosing not to live together yet, and 'officially' have separate apartments.

Bottom line, both have given up 'a lot'...yet have a foundation based on lies. I am curious to know where that will them in the longrun.

Well, that one is certainly doomed. Unbelievable that it has gone on this long. I remember stats from my D support group - 76% of second marriages fail, 88% of third, and a whopping 98% of 4th. The OP in my case would be on her 3rd with my WH too. The odds certainly aren't with them.

Yeah, you do have to wonder what's up with the separate apartment deal. That A will end as soon as your D is final. The prize, once obtained, is not usually worth the sacrifice when the dust clears. That "soulmate" stuff is a bunch of happy horsesh1t of you ask me.

Hi CL,


Yep, I agree. OP will always be linked to LOSSES (and he to hers!)... and that must put a lot of pressure on both to...deliver!

It's probably why WS works hard at maintaining the fog.. the reality of the losses could be....unbearable!

...Plan B adds to the pressure, and so BS can be and remain the scapegoat for all their difficulties.... because were I to agree to friendly co-parenting, it MIGHT help a bit...at both the guilt and loss level..

{{{{{{LUNA}}}}}}

I'm so sorry about your dad. I to have lost both my parents. My dad died at 55m it will be 21 years on 9/2 from leukemia and my mom died 10 years ago from lung cancer. I was her hospic care giver and she died in our home.

For ME, there deaths were NOTHING compared to this. NOTHING.

I grieved the loss, I accepted I worked through the sadness. In fact I have lost LOTS of people in my life, from grandparents, to friends, to parents, relatives etc.

NOTHING compares to this and that's why I KNOW you will be ok when that time happens. You will for sure have to process and walk through.

In fact, it might even allow you a little buffer zone to grieve the rest of what's left in your M. But the time isn't here today and you get to still enjoy having your parents around and living each day letting them know you love them.

{{{{{{LUNA}}}}}

I hope that made sense...

Hi Queenie,

I am sorry for the loss of both your parents, and thank you for «confirming» my theory on how one is affected by it at an emotional level as compared to... a loss of trust! ...and that, in fact, we are all much stronger than we think....which, I guess, is a nice...surprise

You know Luna, what happened to us wasn't a loss of trust but more a complete destruction of our world by someone who promised us things and then walked out without so much as a look.

If we can survive this, I can't imagine anything else in the world I wouldn't survive. But the jury is still out on whether I will survive or not.

You are doing amazing and I just love watching you work through stuff, it gives me great insight and hope.

Queenie...you ARE surviving it...

...and we're not 'settling' on surviving.... we aim to...THRIVE!

...and since it's the middle of night here...I better go to bed and get some 'beauty sleep' and wish you all a GOOD NIGHT!

<t/j>

Hi Luna!!!!

</t/j>

Hi BigK!

Long time no see!

Well, things were good for a few days... (maybe too good!)

I woke up this morning...and I am feeling totally OVERWHELMED!

I know because of the scheduled mediation with WS to 'move further' with assets settlement this Monday night (and it has been awhile since the last one) I expect to go through some of the ups and downs SL seems to be going through in dealing with the reality of a divorce and the systematic removal of some 'huge' bandaids...rehashing emotional stuff... as I also wonder whether or not, due to finances, I will be able to STAY here or will I need to sell the house because because because....this seems to be a biggie for me, too...

...but having some other unexpected 'worries' added seems to be putting a bigger spin on things for me, like my dad's health, a new 'boss' to deal with, an empty apartment that I need to rent (to help pay mortgage), outside maintenance that WS USED to be in charge of and that has been neglected the last few years which I can't really do nor can I afford to pay someone to do...

all in addition to continue learning making so many decisions on my own (after 20 odd years having someone to 'consult' with), parental responsibilities, lack of family support (because they live so far away, although my wanting to manage 'their' pain or protecting them over all this would probably be just as demanding, if not more), etc.

..anyways...I guess looking at it all together, it makes my head spin.

I am trying to take in some of the advice you're giving SL...because I find I am in a similar 'emotional' spot as you, SL.

....guess I will start by breathing...DEEPLY!

...and trusting that this, too, shall pass....

Don't just trust that this too shall pass, trust that you have the tools to deal with it all, one piece at a time.

To tell you the truth, the Zombie moving his FEW things out this week was a good thing for me. The tie is not completely severed, but it's been cut into and is fraying as we speak. This is a good, strong dose of reality for me.

You may find that there is too much for you to deal with, and that lightening the load is the right thing to do.

If I could stay in this house, I would, mostly for my son. It's a lot of maintenance and is not efficient, so the utilities are sky high. As it stands, I just am not willing to sacrifice anything more to stay here. My retirement is all I have, as little as it is, and to give that up to the unknown, the possibility of not being able to make ends even come close to meeting, well, that's just not smart.

Plus, a new, smaller, more efficient space may be just what the doctor ordered. I dunno where I'll end up, I just know that I will be okay, no matter what.

As long as you do what is in your best interest, you will be okay. This is a good time to really think about what YOU want, as a SINGLE lady. What would you have for yourself? OF course, the kids matter, but you are at the healm. You steer the course of the family.

The emotional stuff wanes pretty quickly, especially if you find something to occupy your mind in the days following these mediation meetings.

One thing at a time. Don't overthink it. Get outta your head and into something to keep your mind occupied.

Yes, ALL of us are going to not only be OK, but we are FABULOUS GODDESSES who have MAH-VE-LOUS lives ahead no matter what those pesky WS and EX-WSs do.

Hang tough Ladies!!

Thanks for your post, SL.


I agree, SL...this is a much more 'empowering' way of looking at it (...even if I am not so sure about having all the tools yet! )


I think the worse for me was when WS got his 'personal stuff' from the house (clothes, etc) when he first moved out.... all that's left now is in the basement.... and most of it has to do with 'property maintenance'... and I would actually be glad to see it go....it's become more of a burden for me, having it just downstairs... and WS is 'dragging' his feet about dealing with it!



I find it difficult to decide WHERE to put my energy... although I find staying in the house worrisome, I am finding the emotional toll of going through the divorce is demanding enough, and I may have enough room still to be able to put off that 'decision' a bit.... in your situation, if you would need to 'use' retirement funds...I can see it becoming a decision that you can less easily 'put off'


Well...this is where maybe I am still «faking until...» and all I see sometimes is a SEA of pain before me!


...guess this is where it becomes tricky in not letting FEELINGS get in the way of FACTS....and I am still having some trouble with this....


Now, this part I am getting better and better at! ...occupying my thoughts, but once the 'cat has been let out of the bag'!



It's strange how long it takes to go from KNOWING something intellectually and actually integrating it at an EMOTIONAL level...

....I guess it's back to the old 'chipping away at the block' thingy I have been doing for awhile now! :RollieEyes:

Hi Bugs,

We were cross-posting.


Thanks for the support...even though I feel waaaay out of your leauge! :RollieEyes:

You are a great example for all of us, Bugs!

Hi Luna,

I'm sitting here wanting to have exactly the right words to say to you, but who am I but another "one of us" who simply walks through similar journeys of life today. When I am down, you are always there to pick me up. And because I care so much about you I want to pick you up, but sometimes being picked up isn't what's in our best interest.

What is, and you KNOW this is we will get through it. How, when, is not up to US. What we will be, what our lives will look like is not up to US.

Simply knowing that you are loved, admired, respected on here by so many others can bring comfort when the times get a little overwhelming and hard to walk through.

But then there is G-d and he is right there next to you, wanting to hold you, hug you, take your hand and pull you through.

This too shall pass, you will work through it and come out the other side. What you are doing is overwhelming, and you will walk through it and come out the other side because you are a GODDESS and an AMAZING woman.

But those are in the future and I had to learn to do with what was right now, like you have taught me, recognize the emotions, let them be heard and let them die down their natural death.

And I could only do that ONE STEP, ONE SECOND, and ONE MINUTE, ONE HOUR and then ONE DAY.

It's that darn wave we get to ride again, it's rolling in when we least expect it, we can't prevent it, we just learn to ride it the best way possible.

{{{{{{{{{LUNA}}}}}}}}}

Luna, try to remember that this is exactly what it is - the wave. I've had it lately too. I just try to remember that there will be an up side at some point - if I just ride it long enough. I'm trying to learn to go with the emotion and let it run it's course. And Q is right, it seems to roll in just when we thought we were safe.

I had a lady come into my store today who told me her husband of 24 years left her too..... he decided to become a "she.

Well, after I thought about this for awhile, I wondered whether that would be easier to deal with than what we are going through. I don't know. I guess that brings in a whole new set of problems, huh?

We're with you here Luna, so ride the down side. It has to get better....

Hi Queenie and CL,

Thanks for 'being there'.

I have done some California 'surfing' today and while riding the waves, one caught me off guard and through me right off my surfboard...darn it :RollieEyes:

...but it's true, like everything else...we get better at it the more we do it!

...ouf!..do I ever deserve a rest ...and I will worry about tomorrow....tomorrow!

Live and learn, live and experience, live and conquer.

That's US. Conquering our fears, facing our worst nightmares and just learning to move forward, but living in today and doing what we can today.

Queenie, CL, and others,

Just want you to all know that I am doing much much better...although I must admit, the rollercoaster ride I had today was REALLY tough...at times I felt I was sweating blood .... I can honestly say that I have EARNED my rest!

I never would have thought that this far out, I would still be having days like this. Surprise, surprise!... NOW I know better

Just a thought... I am wondering if hormones are starting to get into the mix

I am going to check out the GODDESS thread for advice on symptoms and how to deal with THAT!