Good ideas. Did your W have any of her own suggestions?



Yup, got the same story on my end as well. The solution? Try to provide a LOT more assistance with the kids than you're currently providing, and try to do it along with your W if possible. And here's something to remember: don't ever catch yourself "relaxing" while your W is handling household chores or looking after the children, and avoid having the opposite happen as well. Work together, play together, relax together, and avoid being "clingy" while doing so. It works :-).

WW didn't have a single suggestion. She just kept saying everything was forced.

For the most part I am the one in the house playing with our girls at night. WW sits on the couch or is off doing some house work or something. The housework was a complaint of hers back 9 months ago, I have fixed this. She can't even complain about that anymore. WW does her fair share, but I am still always the one who is taking care of the girls at the end of the day. WW's friends are more important the family.

Giving up the MC is an option. We have talked about taking a few weeks off. WW doesn't mind going and I like it, but I think that maybe we should get away from the pressure for a few weeks.

That's ok - she's in that particular "zone" right now. Your task is to show that yes, there is light at the end of the tunnel, that you both can have a happy M and life together.



Try to implement the work together / play together / relax together strategy. This might involve some thinking on your part to ensure that when she's doing housework, you're doing housework, when she's relaxing, you're relaxing, and when you're playing with the kids, she's involved.



Interesting - it's quite different with my FWW and I - she spends a lot of time with the kids and I need to find more ways to do so. I suggest thinking a while about why she acts as if her friends are more important than her children. I suggest finding ways to get her involved safely (e.g. no arguing or lecturing). Simple requests like, "love, can you help me with DD1 a sec?", something along those lines.

Concerning her friends, do you consider them toxic or helpful towards your M?

I just read through your first thread since MIM's thoughts were so different than mine.

OK, I am not saying these things to discourage you. It just seems like you have been spinning your wheels, working on Plan A, going to MC with no change in your W for quite a while now.

I think you need to have a different mindset regarding contact. You have to almost assume it is happening unless you can verify otherwise. Even waywards who have a turnaround in their attitude towards the M can still be lying about contact. You have to accept that they are addicted and it's almost as if they cannot help themselves.

After reading both your threads, the signs are all there that the EA is on going. My H also did the vasillating, wanting to work on the M, but as soon as there was contact, he was right back to having no feelings for me. The other similarities was the frequent phone calls and wanting to hang out with the single friend, and the disinterest in doing things with the kids, those things also correlated with contact in my case as well.

I just want to repost something from A Good Guy from your first thread b/c I think it bears repeating.


I know you have said that your W promised NC this time, but you know that w/o verification, that is NOTHING you can hang your hat on?

In your first thread, you were advised several times to expose to OMs GF. Have you done this? My goodness, I would do this today if I were you.

The one friend she spends the majority of the time with is in the process of leaving her M. She became unhappy in hers around the same time as WW did in ours.

I don't blame her for how we got here, I know how we got here. I don't think she is a good person for my WW to confide in at this time. WW and her friend have gone down the exact same road here, they have said the same things to myself and her husband. WW has been about three steps behind her friend in this process.

This may sound dumb, but I feel WW is really in love with her friend.

I had never seen OM, I only have his cell phone number. I found his Myspace page on our computer, WW had been looking at it. His picture on the first page is him with two friends. I picked the one who I thought WW would go for. Then I found a picture of him with a woman. It turned out he was not the one. I have never told WW I saw the Myspace page. I found out more about OM when WW came clean and I went back to see who OM was. OM does not have a girlfriend that I know of.

In the end I had the wrong OM at first.

WW says she enjoys spending time with me she just doesn't feel that passion. She wants to feel as if she wants me all the time. How do I go about showing her affection without pushing too much? I want to touch and hold her. We have talked about this and I know where my boundries are.

Is it best for me to lay off completly or try a little? We kiss and that doesn't bother her, but I think she does it more for me than her.

If the EA is continuing, which I believe it is, nothing you do will make a difference. That's why you haven't seen a change all these months.

Did you install a recorder?

Are you going to dig for info on OM??

Where do I find a recorder like that? How much do they cost?

I haven't bought one lately but I got one for my H a few years ago for a class and it was under $50 at Staples, I believe.

Did you read the post by Runnerboy about MC and such before the affair ended? It is good. I can paste it for you if you'd like

I haven't see that, pleas paste it or a link.

Posted by Runnerboy today. Link to thread is below.
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2108325&fpart=9

The more I go back and look at the past couple months the more I feel that she is in contact again. We had a couple weeks at the beginning of July where we weren't going backwards. Things felt good, she talked to me and showed me a little affection. But the past probably 4-5 weeks we have gone back to where we were.

I do think she is in contact again. Hopefully the key logger can give me what I need. I also have to look at what I have been doing for Plan A recently. I really don't think I have done much to set my boundaries. I have pretty much let her do whatever she wants.

I haven't really done anything. I need to revaluate

NoName,

I've never posted to you, but I've been reading your thread and the above quote just jumped off the screen to me. I'd advise you to LOSE this idea of "marriage at all costs".

BH's simply don't really improve their situations UNTIL they are ready to risk it all in order to have a chance at achieving their ultimate goal of a loving, committed relationship with their WW's.

Don't dismiss this and let it sink in for a while, but BH's have to find their "F"-it button and be prepared to push it.

I've also heard it described as "setting the recovery bar high", otherwise you will only achieve the bare minimum level of investment from your WW. Your WW will not reach above the level of the bar that YOU set.

Honestly I don't have the balls to do it and I that is why I say I won't give up. I am scared of risking everything. I know I have been setting my standards lower than what I need and want right now to please WW. Your point of her not reaching above the bar I set does make me think. I have wrote down what I need in a marriage, but have never express this to WW at this point.

Thanks for the post, that one really makes me think.

I think this is spot on, MyRev.

I think your Plan A efforts and the length of time are commendable but...

To put blinders on, allow contact to continue for months and months with no boundaries is a big mistake. It just facilitates your W's cake-eating (she gets all the suppport she needs from you at home while she gets her fix from OM) and perhaps she even loses respect for you in the process.

You would be better off moving to Plan B and letting her A play out and die a natural death if she refuses to end contact w/n a set amount of time.

NoName,

I'm more of a "scorched earth" kind of personality, but through some recent introspection, I have come to realize that not every BH shares my determination.

FWIW, you have my respect after only one post, because you were HONEST with me and YOURSELF ... that is quite refreshing around here.

You would be crazy NOT to be scared at what you are facing. None of us came with an owner's manual about how to deal with our WW's A. However, you must have some self-respect remaining, and that is what you need to tap into in order to improve your situation.

NoName ... you now find yourself on an island ... and as painful and lonely as that is ... it forces us to look within ourselves to find our own levels of inner-strength.

You seem like a stand-up kind of guy ... take a long look in the mirror and get in touch with your real character ... not the beaten down version that was left in the wake of your WW's disrespect towards you.

These folks have been giving you the correct advice on what to do to improve your situation ... you just have to tap into your own motivation to act on that advice. Find your own individual NoName "F"-it button ... stand up like the honorable man you appear to be ... and PUSH it, and I guarantee you will feel MUCH better about yourself immediately, and quite likely your situation will begin to improve very quickly.

NoName,

I had another thought that may tap into your own motivations ... I believe that you have daughters. Consider that a lot of daughters look for a future H that reminds them of their own father.

I know that my FWW (FogFree) sees a lot of her father in me, and my own daughter married a man who is much like me.

Right now, in the face of this adversity, is when we face defining moments in our lives.

Be the type of MAN that you would want your daughter to marry ... an honorable man, who will act as the head of his family and will defend that family against all who would seek to destroy it.

Noname, I just started reading your post as there hasn't been many posts lately in mine and I was looking for more info. I can't believe that what your WW wrote in this emails is exactly nearly word for word the same thing my WW has said!!!