hibiscous - I am sorry to hear about what you're going through and I encourage you to seek help and support here (as well as in places live and in-person). MB is a great resource for this sort of thing.

But out of respect for TTM and his journey, it might be best if you create your own thread. It will allow people to focus in on and respond to your issues directly without being distracted from TTM's.

Good luck.

hubiscous,

I am far from being ok, but mine and your situation are almost identical. I shortened my post for tall mans sake. If you start your own thread, I would be more than happy to share what I have been going through, in hopes that it will help you.

Back to being my thread.

I've talked with stbxw a few times over the past few days, and something has changed over there. I'm guessing that she's hurting and missing someone to be with, I think I see her wanting some connection with me, or maybe just someone.

I got to give my attorney more money so we can move forward with the D proceedings, and I'm struggling to come up with that right now.

Taking this one day at a time.

I'm learning more and more each day, and growing. I think she might be too.

She did read the book I gave her, or at least some of it, but I haven't heard what if anything she got out of it.

Keeping you all posted,

- TTM

TTM,

Another reason, in a long list, of why I appreciate your continued posting on MB is you seem so easily to relate to, new posters come to your thread.

I almost said "flock" but you're not THAT tall.



Just gotta throw that kudo out there as it occured to me...reminded me of way back when.

Thanks for being here, dude.

LA

Thanks LA,

Your kind words are appreciated. You've been a big help to me for quite a while now.

Hopefully I can help someone else with everything I've been through and share my lessons with them.

There is life during and after divorce, I'm living proof of that.

Onward and upward...

- TTM

Well not a lot new to report here. Still waiting for my lawyer to finish my statement of net worth. W and I have talked a little in the past few days. Not much, but some, I sense she's really struggling to come to a good reason for this D.

I'm not giving her any either, and I've been working my butt off on learning about my own 'neediness' and how I manipulate to get my needs met. I've also found some materials on what it takes to create attraction in women, and I can say without a doubt, it works. It sounded funny to me at first, but as I've learned more, the two things run in perfect parallel. 'Real' men are attractive to woman, 'wussies' and not, plain and simple. I'm learning to really become a 'real' man.

I can see now really clearly how a combination of my neediness and not working to create attraction in her combined to 'push' her away.

Cool thing is, I can also change it and I'm doing exactly that.

Believe it or not, creating attraction in a woman is a predictable and repeatable thing. I've done it now, and I can repeat it. I've not had too much of an opportunity with W, but I'm going to give it a try when we meet on Monday.

I'm about 99.9% certain that even with what I'm working on, we'll end up divorcing. I also think we'll be dating at some point, and this time I'll lead us to vintage love, and happiness. But if not, I'm still going to be in the best place of my life.

Happy on my journey.

- TTM

TTM,

You are doing very well. When you're ready, I feel that you, Dr. Seabird, and myself should collaborate on a self-help book for men.

As an observation and not an implication, the insecure person is impatient and takes actions that reveal their insecurity. Patience is the sign of a secure person.

Have a great weekend!


Dutch

Dutch,

Thanks for the reminder on patience. You hit the nail on the head.

I'd love to collaborate on a self-help book, feel like I could share volumes with what I've been through...

When I'm ready, we'll talk more about it.

Being patient..

- TTM

TTM I am not familiar with your sitch, but I promise to read over you thread later today. I just wanted to ask you what information you found or better yet where did you find it? I am in the same pursuit as you currently and that is to become more attractive to the one I love. I have read and I understand the whole manly man vs wuss theory and I do agree with it, but everything I have came across so far has been more of an outline then a guide. I did just receive a new book today that was recommend to me by several other males from a different site, that they claim is a must read and a life changer. I am looking forward to sinking my teeth into it this weekend.

nugget,

"No More Mr. Nice Guy" is a must-read.

"Getting the Love You Want" is also excellent.

"Passionate Marriage" is also excellent.

"The Five Love Languages" is very useful.

All are available on Amazon.

Thanks. I have read the last two already. I will look into the first 2.

TTM et all,

The confident man advances his own agenda. He knows that when mutual plans fail, he always has a backup plan to keep himself occupied. Hence, he has no disappointment over broken plans because he always has a choice of other things to do. He might have regular avenues of entertainment or even productivity. He is not bored because there is always something to do or something to entertain. He enjoys time to himself as much as he enjoys others company.

These strategies are particularly effective when dealing with women, who in my PD (post-divorce) experience are exceeding fickle and unreliable.

I am that confident man. I always have multiple backup plans and am usually in demand by friends, etc.

Expand you social circles. Meet as many people as you can and see where the connections lead you. If you're not good at meeting people, practice makes perfect and there are any number of guides out there to assist. I smile a lot, look people in the eye, and inevitably they address me before I get a chance to address them.

Have a great weekend!

We've touched on this before, women, tend to be lead more by their emotions, which can vary wildly from minute to minute, and day to day. This is not a judgment, I don't think it's either good or bad, just an observation of what I've seen/experienced.

In the past I would go right along with the roller coaster. Running with her wildly one way and back again. Now, I'm finding my center, my place of security, which used to be her. When it was her, she controlled me, and moved me with her whims. I'm now making my center, me, my approval of myself. Solid, not concerned with her approval or disapproval, doing what I believe is right for me.

A visual of this is me being a straight line heading upwards, like on a chart, and her a sine wave over the top of it.

I've had several small things happen recently, that I've recognized this pattern, and made a conscious decision not to move, or even do anything. It takes practice, and patience, and I've had to really look, and get clear with 'what do I want?, what's acceptable to me?' When I know the answers to these questions, I'm more able to be solid.

Like Seabird said before, a reed in the wind, bending some, but not breaking.

I've found several of David DeAngelo's (just google the name) products to be really helpful. I love the DVD series because I'm a visual learner, and I can see real men in real situations, for me it's like receiving a triple re-enforcement all at once.

He markets his stuff as getting more dates, but the underlying principles are so rock solid, I love it. When the truth is revealed, I know it's true, it just makes sense. I've already learned a ton, and when I was out with some friends (female) I asked them about the things I had learned, and all of them confirmed what he was teaching. Check it out, you won't be disappointed.

Everyone have a great weekend.

- TTM

BTW: I've read all of those books on that list, and I would say they should be recommended reading for any man that wants to break free from being a 'wussie'.

I called up stbxw and asked for the two of us to sit down and talk. She wanted to talk on the phone, and I said 'I'd really prefer to chat face to face.' To my surprise she agreed.

So we got together and chatted for a bit. At first she started to throw a bunch of angry stuff at me, and I stopped her and said 'if you're not going to talk to me respectfully, this meeting is over.' This is probably the first time I've enforced my boundary with her, and wasn't angry of loud when I did it. She calmed down and we ended up talking for over an hour.

We talked about some of the decisions we need to make for the divorce to move forward.

At one point I asked her about our past, and asked her if she felt that I 'sucked the life' out of her. ( She has made comments about this before at one point, when she was angry with me, calling me Vampire ). She said yes, that when I'm around her she doesn't feel like she can be her, and that's not my or her fault, it 'just the way it is'. I just mirrored that and let the topic drop.

We then chatted a bit about the kids, and even were laughing at one point.

At one point I looked her right in the eye, and said 'I'm truly sorry for what I did that hurt you' and I was really sincere and meant it. She started to choke up and I thought I saw the beginnings of a tear in her eye.

I ended the meeting on my schedule, and just got up and said I needed to get going. This is for sure the first time I ended things first. It's always been me waiting for her to end things, or take the lead.

I thanked her for sharing with me, and said talk to you later, got up and left.

All in all I thought it was a good meeting, mostly for me to practice being strong, and setting boundaries.

I think she was really angry about it afterwards, I think she let her wall down a little with me, and she's mad about that.

I'm not concerned if she was upset, the meeting wasn't about her.

I think I'm doing really well.

- TTM

I feel that face-to-face meetings can be very effective if we avoid negative engagement.

I feel that you did very well. It feels pretty good, doesn't it?

It does feel good to get control of myself, and set and enforce my boundaries.

Although, I must admit, today, I'm feeling lonely and scared. I miss her, and I want to contact her in some way.

I know this feeling will pass, and I've done so well up to this point.

I'm going to do some nice things for myself, and get a handle on this insecurity I'm feeling today.

Thanks for the continued support...

- TTM

What if...

you felt great acting true to your code...

and maybe...

the let down, the yearning kind of resurfaces because you want to share great feelings with her...from years of sharing it all...

what do you think?

Not lonely...not doubled as you were before, off and on, at times?

LA

And that's the hazard of a face-to-face meeting, that you'll cave-in to your neediness. don't worry, becoming whole is a process.

If you need to talk, email me for my phone number.

Man-up, you are a fierce warrior and your stock is high! Rejoice with what you have in your life. That and have a beer, it's the freaking weekend!

LA,

You lost me. I'm not sure what you are trying to communicate to me...

That in the past I've shared too much? That because of my weak boundary skills I've somehow lost my sense of self?

Please elucidate further on your ideas...



- TTM

Bump...bump