I've found (and have little patience for) many people on this board who are VERY dogmatic in their approach to marriage and relationships. They frame everything around their singular experience and will go to great lengths to make sure that everyone else does what they think their own WS should have done.

I think I know which thread you are talking about though, and there was also something about that FWW that didn't pass the smell test IMO.

BetrayedCajun, you sure have that right. I had several divorcing (but my marriage is dead) women contact me after I placed an online ad. I very politely declined to continue the conversation but invited them to contact me when the divorce was final. Never heard a thing, not even an acknowledgment of my reply. And I thought is was we men who were supposed to be the ones messing around while the little woman was at home with the kids. Wait a minute! My ex was shagging her OM, while I stayed home with the kids!

Same here. The times they are a changin

My opinion is once the marriage vows/covenant is broken, a decision is made to either:

Require restitution
Reconcile with your spouse
Disolve the marriage

Once the firm decision is made in the BS heart to dissolve the marriage, I think the marriage is done at that point. The marriage covenant was already broken and to me, what matters is in your heart and not on a piece of govt paper

Saying you are married until the divorce is final is admirable, but not required, I believe. Most of don't owe that respect for our ex spouses anyhow since they violated us like no one else could...

sorry I am repling to your post, but I m unable to find the way to post an original one without repling to someone. sorry!!
my husand just told me he wants to separate next june when our son will graduate from high school. he said he plans to move to another country then and find a job there. he will be faithful to me for this remaining year and will support me financially for the year. he said we are not compatible and that he cares for me however he can't think of spending the rest of his life with me. he stayed in the relationship only for our son.
he now went camping on his own for 4 days. he says he looks forward to some time for himself and to meet other people. of course this means other women as well, maybe a one night stand..or similar. I think this is a mid-life crisis. i am willing to give him all the space, i love him and he is my husband for better or worse, however i am very sad now and welcome some words of support
thank you

Agreed.

In Canada, we are not able to file for divorce until after living alone and separate lives for a minimum of ONE year. Even then, once divorce is filed (let's say you do it exactly one year from being separated) it takes 30 days for an answer to be filed, and then on top of that, three or more months for the courts to hear the case. I have not been in close contact with my STBXWH in about 17 months. He filed for divorce after the one year separation in March of this year, and I am still waiting for the divorce to be final.

I do not think it is unreasonable for me to have moved on in this time. We had no children to fight for custody of, and had no reason to even contact one another. I have not seen him in a year and have no idea where he is even living. (it had been with OW)

I am involved in a very loving relationship with the most wonderful man I have ever known. I am in no way an adulteress. My marriage ended in June of 2007 when I decided that no matter what the outcome, I would not take me WH back. I deserved better, and could never be with a man who would go out of his way to hurt me.

Flame me all you will, but I have never been so happy in my life, and yes, as far as the courts are concerned, there is a piece of paper out there that says I am still married (and still waiting for divorce to be finalized)

I agree so long as the decision if FIRM & FINAL.

No flames from me. I think you are right.

I also think that it has a double standard too.

Rules are different for the BS than they are for the WS.

For instance...

A BS files for separation...and starts divorce proceedings because their spouse is wayward.

The STBX-WS dumps the OP...or the affair simply ends.

The BS is adamant that there is NO recovery...wouldn't have 'em back for all the tea in China....no way...no how...yada yada yada. They proceed with everything needed for the divorce to be granted.

The STBX-WS starts seeing someone else...and a baby is conceived.

By this time, the divorce papers are simply a formality ...they are pending signature of the judge.


The BS wants to scream OTHER CHILD...of the relationship between the STBX and the OP.


Now..it just seems to me that it is used as a convenience in many cases.

Convenient to be a victim...

Convenient to be a BS...

Too subjective in my book.

committed

Genovffa
I would move your questions to the "General Questions II" forum as it gets much more traffic.

From my perspective of what you said below, you have 9 months or so to "Plan A" yourself to death and make the home the most inviting place for him. Going camping with him would have allowed you the opportunity to fill many EN (recreational companionship, SF, etc). Ignore what he says and concentrate on doings things to build love.

Good luck

I have been looking around a bit on how to fix my quite seriously ailed marriage and it appears that many christian based websites consider the best option to go back to your former spouse, and as someone else said the church or some people's beliefs regarding to religion can be debated foverver, but I am fairly sure that the beleif she is an adultrous is somehow based on someone's in my opinion misguided religious beliefs...

As for when a divorce is finial I think it becomes finial when you can say in your heart of hearts that you are emotionally and physically divorced from that person, for example my husband wants a divorce and if the papers were finial tomarrow I would not be divorced because I am not emotionally divorced from him.... And as some others have said paperwork can take a long time anyways...

Since mere mortals cannot see into the hearts of others we need something to show us when a person is truly single or still married. The completed divorce is that sign.

You're divorced = you are single as far as the world is concerned.

You are divorced when your spouse remarries. As a Christian, you are not divorced when things papers are filed and signed in your home state. That is a "legal divorce" and you are no longer legally married. Tax purposes really.

Spiritually and biblically, you are eternally married. That is until your spouse remarries. I know a couple who divorced and remarried, legally.

Hope this give you hope!

According to the christian rules, your bonds of marriage are broken when your spouse cheats on you and you are free to go.

And the cheating spouse is allowed to go and do it again because they are pre-forgiven.

Life, that is one of the silliest interpretations of divorce (christian or otherwise), I have ever heard.

You are telling us that if the Wayward spouse gets a divorce, then just 'messes' around with one person after another, the poor betrayed spouse is still married because the WS never remarried?

This reminds me of the time Jesus rebuked the Scribes and Pharisees for loading the people down with weighty little issues of the law and forgot the big picture.

I don't particularly care what mere mortals see or think with respect to my heart. Should I?

From a religous perspective, I was married in a church, why should some minimum wage clerk at city hall hold the power to divorce me? Because ultimately that's how it's finally accomplished. And waiting for the WS to remarry doesn't make sense according to some of the scriptures posted around here - at least in terms of the BS being free to remarry but not the WS.

From my own perspective which is not religious (no organized religion that is), I have legally signed off on an agreement that settled out our assets, debts and any other finances including tuition support for DS. Had DS been a minor, custody and visitation would have been part of that as well. I am no longer responsible for Wstbx's debts nor is he of mine. Should either one of us die suddenly, the other is no longer the next of kin. In fact, his next of kin is OW - legally in every way.

Again, this is my perspective but it's bad enough that I live in a society where one can abuse one's spouse - physically or through adultery, and still walk away with half of everything and in many cases, if you are the woman, all the custody leaving the BS feeling raped, violated and exposed for dead. I flat out refuse to wait for this same society to get around to handing that form to that high school drop out city hall clerk to tell me I'm single. Especially when the same society recognized WstbxH and OW to be married in common law anyway.

Jeez, people. Are we BS's really suckers for punishment or what?????

I couldn't agree more Tabby.

My XH left me in a heap, unable to eat, sleep, function, and at times breathe for months. I felt as though I was used, raped, and just plain ol' dirty. Knowing that he came home every night, and we were intimate (and at the same time, hours before he was with someone else)

My spouse took our marriage vows and drop kicked them. He tossed them aside for his own purposes, and didn't give a rat's [censored] how I felt.

He decided we were done and over for me, and in spite of that, thanks to the laws of my country, I am still "married" to him. Yay me! :RollieEyes:

I am glad I am not a religious soul, because some of you have me married to this guy for the rest of my life. (Which is funny because isn't adultery accepted by the RCC as a reason for divorce????)

Better than a few hours AFTER which was the deal I got double- !!!!! (I need a scratching icon - I feel itchy writing this!)

Auto,

It may sound silly to you but that is fact. I'm not taking sides, although I am pro-marriage, that is what the Bible says. There is nothing to interpret since it's in plain English and no poetic proverb. You are focusing more on the Laws under Moses where you give your wife a certificate of divorce for adultery. If you are a Christian, Jesus supercedes Moses. But anyway, I don't want to try to sound all religious since it doesn't seem to accepted here. Hosea could've gotten a divorce because his wife started prostituting but he had faith and stuck by his vows. They then reconciled and had a great life together.

Yes, adultery hurts, especially when the WS is doing it deliberatly and doesn't care. If a WS repents and is sincere about it, according to Christianity, the sin has been forgiven and the marriage can be healed. My wife and I both cheated on each other while we were separated and now fully repented. Hopefully, things will work out for us and we can reconcile. I'm staying the path even though we both cheated repeatedly.

I don't want to have a religious debate or be flamed for my beliefs please. Just accept the fact that I am pro-marriage and God has the main role in it.

Praying for you all.

Ok, I just reread the posts and need to rephrase one thing. I said "until your spouse remarries" you are still spiritually married. This is true but this goes for you too, "until you remarry someone else" you are still married.

I was assuming the poster wanted to reconcile his marriage and was asking when a divorce is a real divorce before God.