Hi Bugs,


Thanks for your encouraging words.

I hope to raise boys that will be RESPONSIBLE and RESPECTFUL in their future relationships... and VALUE themselves enough to NOT NEGLECT their own needs, and learn to COMMUNICATE them...

I read a lot about how a child's model is same sex parent... and so will have to trust them and hope that they make better choices than WS!

... if PLAN B is helpful in my personal recovery, with not having to deal with WS's drama and chaos, it in turn also helps me in creating a more peaceful secure environment where the boys can get on with the very demanding business of....growing up! :RollieEyes:

...and when making choices or taking decisions, to learn to take into account or consider....ALL of the consequences....first!

Makes ya wonder if that wasn't G-ds plan all along because he saw what drama was happening in the household.

Just a thought.

But one I consider alot in my sitch and am grateful that the fighting and craziness in my home, and my life has stopped.

Hi Queenie,


Actually, Queenie, that thought has come to mind often... and wondered, S did have self-esteem and confidence issues and had a high need for attention, I even wondered sometimes whether or not he was jealous or felt in competition with the boys but was too proud or ashamed to admit it... and so...the selfishness of a WS definitely tipped the scale!

....I think parenthood creates a need for some personal growth and working at being or remaining the 'adult', given that a kid's personal development may involve having to test parents' limits, and so it's important to learn not to feel that you are being personally challenged :RollieEyes:

...and that, eventually, it's the boys who would be going through the phase of having GFs and moving out... :crosseyedcrazy:

Let's just say that WS seems to have gotten the roles mixed up somewhat :crosseyedcrazy:

Hi everybody,

Quick update.

I am in Plan B AND in plan D as well.

I came across a resource, a psychologist, who seems to know a lot about the emotional aftermath of affairs and who is also qualified as a court family mediator.

So even though I was adamant about not dealing directly with WS, seeing that it would be quite expensive using ONLY the services of attorneys, for financial reasons, I was willing to participate in the six (6) free mediation sessions offered by the Court (if WS was still interested) using the psychologist in question (on whom I felt I could count on to intervene as needed in discussions with a WS)

We have had 3 sessions to date, and yes, on occasion, the resource does not neglect to point out as needed to WS that in addition to the financial aspect, I was also dealing with the emotional impact of his infidelity (which I don't think WS appreciates much, but I certainly do!)

WS is now asking me to consider switching 'resources' to one with a more legal background to better assist us at that level.

I know for a fact that the three sessions remaining will not be sufficient to finalize everything, with or without a resource with legal background (and if so, should we need to have additional sessions, the cost would still be cheaper than the two of us using separate lawyers). Whatever we do decide, in the end, it will in fact have to be OKed by both a lawyer and an accountant (for the fiscal impact) before it can be the basis for the divorce proceedings.

In the three sessions so far, the lack of emotional consideration for me on the part of WS is quite evident (surprise, surprise!), so for me, the presence of a mediator/psychologist is quite helpful in bringing up some much needed 'reality check' to WS (who obviously would prefer it be ignored and sees it as a 'waste of resource')

I need to think on how to reply to WS's request. As usual, it will need to be 'short and sweet' (because regardless of what I say, I suspect he will accuse me of wanting to 'drag my feet'). He would not be totally wrong...I find the sessions quite draining emotionally and now insist that they not be weekly (to give me enough time to recover from one to the next).

Just writing this out is helpful. I will be back. I find I can be 'wordy' sometime so I will be back with my 'one-two sentence reply' for your comments.

I certainly welcome any 'quick and to the point' reply for me to consider from any of you.

Thanks.

Ok...continuation of last post.

Here's my reply to WS's request for comments:

Being a psychologist, you are right that F. as a mediator cannot offer the same legal advice as would a lawyer.

However, I find his knowledge on the emotional impact of affairs reassuring, and helps me more effectively participate in these meetings.

Luna,

I say stand your ground!! Do not agree to replacing this person. WS is trying to make it easy on himself because he just wants you to forget about everything he has done to you. He obviously wants to forget it too. It may be draining for you, but it's going to be that way no matter who is in the room. You just can't get through this process without it being a drain.

You've come this far, don't let him fogbabble you now!

I would be even more BRIEF in this email, omitting everything. except what's in bold. Even that is TMI, IMO. Explaining your emotional state of mind to a wayward is like trying to solve an algebra equation by chewing gum. Just the facts, ma'am.

Maybe even just, "I would prefer to finish out the remaining three sessions available with so and so".

Hi CL,

Thank you for your comments.


I agree, CL. It's just a WS trying to find ways to make things easier and quicker on HIM... as you say, I just need to stand 'my ground'!

It is VERY helpful to me to know that mediator is a psychologist, and someone who is aware and sensitive to the emotional impact of affairs (sure can't count on WS for that!) It was actually one of the reasons (the other one being financial!) that I reconsidered participating in mediation sessions with WS in the first place, even though in fact whatever proposals we come up with, will have to be reviewed and prepared for Court by a lawyer.

I think WS is going to find it surprising the amount of energy (and loss of $) involved in D settlement and proceedings!

...but I know!...and I need to figure out ways to minimize the emotional damage a WS is capable of inflicting (...on BS!) in the process.

Hi SL,


Thanks for your comments, SL. I thought over my reply, and also got an opinion from a friend, and agree that explaining anything related to my emotional state of mind to a WS would be useless, (as I do get him confused with S!). :RollieEyes:

My friend's suggestion was to reply with a question that makes me think of Orchid's reverseB... asking WS:

In what way would a mediator-lawyer be more helpful with the info. that so and so is asking us to provide?

But I like your suggestion, and it's what I intend to use as a final reply to WS...because it is exactly my position...I find the mediator's background helpful in recognizing when WS is trying to....gaslight??? me, and the fact is:

«I would prefer to finish out the remaining sessions with so and so»

....and THEN, depending on how far we get, we will see where we go from there!

I am already WAAAAY out of my comfort zone by accepting to participate in mediation with WS! :crosseyedcrazy:

My anxiety level SHOOTS way up whenever I need to deal with anything related to WS! :crosseyedcrazy:**

....my doc doesn't think I should take anything for it....seeing that it's situational....yeah....but it's been situational for awhile now!

The truth though....is it that has gotten much much better since D-day! :RollieEyes:

...I have a few tricks up my sleeve....and the upside is that the house gets to be REAL clean!


(** :crosseyedcrazy: is just tooooo cute! ...think its the emoticon I identify with the most :crosseyedcrazy:)

Just read up on 'gaslighting'....it's mentioned around here sometimes....and was curious about it

Seems someone has a book out on it, but the article is good enough to get the idea :RollieEyes:

BSs are DEFINITELY vulnerable to gaslighting by WSs...or, I should say....Yours Truly definitely is...and not just by WS, I think! :crosseyedcrazy:

..but...at least, now I KNOW..

Geesh...the 'to do' list gets longer by the...minute!

http://www.enotalone.com/article/16906.html

...or...uhmmmm....writing a series of senseless posts on my thread would be another one.... whatever :RollieEyes:

uhmmm....haven't done that for awhile!

Not a good sign...

Luna....
Are you talking to yourself???

...sorry amigos...

...maybe I'll just go 'lurking' on other threads! :RollieEyes:

Haha....


not anymore, Lil...thanks!

(I figured someone would bite...sooner or later )

Ah,
you was fishing.

Just checked, there is no fish icon.

Will this do?

I would continue with the mediator that you have. Sounds good. Who cares if the settlement drags on and on? I did that and think I came out better. WH wanted a divorce and finally folded on everything.

...yes, it will...

Lil...you are encouraging me!

...ammmmmm trying to work on some self-control here...

no...really....don't know why I am in such a SILLY mood!

...guess there are worse things in life!

Self control in a silly moods???
why bother.

"Growing old is compulsory, growing up is optional"