Kayla,

That was good advice and something I think all of headed down the D road should consider. I think that we are stuck on is the fact that what we WANT is our M and real S back. I know that I get stuck on "this isn't the way it is supposed to be." I somehow think that he must be feeling the same way that I do - that he really doesn't want this. Letting go is hard and it takes so much time.

And Luna, I agree with you on Plan B. Just that email from the atty sent me into a funk yesterday, and I'm still there. Although I agree with what Kayla said - find something we WANT to do, the fact is that at this point if I can't have my M, I don't know what I want to do. Still too fuzzy or BS foggy to know yet. And at this point, I'm where you were before - don't think I can ever face him. Don't want to under the circumstances.

Sorry for the ramble. That funk has hijacked my mind this morning.

Chai - I didn't save my marriage until I focused on what I wanted out of my own life. Kasey still has his problems. I can't get mired in HIS stuff and HIS choices because sure as shooting I'm going to be in that funk myself.

If you're feeling a funk it's because in your heart you know you have something bigger to be focused on but the train wreck your husband caused still has your attention. Look away, girl and get on down the road!

Hey Kayla,

Thanks. Good advice for me. Maybe it is time that I start to figure out where I need to be. I think I'll sit down tonight and figure out a 5 year plan with the assumption that I'll be D'd soon. I can focus on that rather than the fact that it isn't supposed to be like this....

Hi Luna,

How are you lady? I'm doing really good actually. I've been swamped at work because of the beginning of the year stuff and so haven't been around. As soon as things get settled I'll read up on you.

But I wanted you to know I am thinking and praying for you.

{{{{{{{{{{LUNA}}}}}}}}}}

Thanks for your post KA,


I like your idea of CHOOSING something to focus on, that I ALONE can control, and put this ANGER energy into it!

...as I already said...ANGER is not something I experience on a regular basis...but it sure generates a lot of ENERGY to burn!

...I am going to try and make better use of it....than waste it on WS! :RollieEyes:

I already have a FEW items on my plate that I, alone, am responsible for.... (and if nothing else, there is always that toilet bowl to get spotless!)

KA & CL,

....just read your follow-up posts... both of you are making VERY good and helpful points!

Thanks.

Queenie,

Thanks for dropping by....and it may not be such a bad idea that you are...BUSY!

Hope you continue to take care of yourself, though!

WS sighting to report.

WS had DS12's bike to have it repaired...

The door bell rang...guess who? Yep....WS coming to drop it off before going off 'somewhere'.

Well....if I were to force myself to think of what the positives are, here they are:

- when I got around to checking my phone messages, there was one from WS an hour or two earlier (to pass on to DS12) that he would be dropping off his bike this afternoon...BEFORE, WS did not even bother to leave messages....he would have just...dropped by unexpectedly! ....so, that's an improvement...

- WS did take the trouble to get the bike repaired (and generally is very attentive to both DSs, when considering that he is a WS)....and since DS12 was not around to take in his bike (and who would have normally answered the door to begin with), I was able to comment a sincere 'thanks' in appreciation of his gesture...

- I was able to verify that I get less triggered by unexpected sightings of WS.... and luckily, I was still wearing a hot 'work' outfit!

...just trying to 'go with the flow' here, people! :RollieEyes:

Some 'controlled' venting.

WS needs to get back to me with some information (to help decide whether or not we can move forward with mediation meeting next week or reschedule it again, about meeting new tenants taking over an appt we co-own by this weekend, and other stuff)...but isn't!

...I have sent him a very 'businesslike' note about it...

....and, because I AM having a lot of practice at learning that you cannot CONTROL anybody else but yourself...

...I am choosing to put some energy into figuring out what to do IF he chooses NOT (or....let's give him the benefit of the doubt, can't for some reason or other out of his control but is choosing NOT)... to get back to me about it!

....and that other than that, I guess the other thing to do is...

...keep BREATHING...

...AGAIN...DEEPLY! :RollieEyes:

....I think I am just starting to get the hang of this!

Some 'controlled' venting...part 2.

...concerning DS17 going onto 18 in a few months...and the one that I DO EXPECT to eventually have a GF and eventually move out... :RollieEyes:

Since he was younger, on a regular basis, he has had 'guy' friends sleep over and vice-versa, so for him it's not really a big stretch.... but it is for me....( and I know that this may be a 'generational' thing!)

His last GF, with whom he broke up last Fall, lived very closed by...so the issue never came up with her...

...DS17 has a new GF....living not so close by... its a 'given' for some of his other friends that, mostly for convenience sake, they do sleep over at each other's GF's house (and vice-versa)....so DS17 did put the question to me...that is, if I would allow GF to sleep over...on the couch!

...I suggested that they should continue to date and get to know 'each other better' first.... and no, that I was not yet ready to have GF 'sleep over'....

...he put to me the other obvious question, that I was expecting .... and would I object to HIS sleeping over at GF's...

I told him that I still didn't think it was a good idea...but that I could not tell his GF's parents what to do in their home .... (and in my thoughts I also know that I already cannot tell DS17 what to do either should he decide to do so....because he would regardless of whether or not I agree to it...maybe just quicker to prove...that it's HIS decision!

...as DS17 is particularly keen on proving he's his own man sometimes IF he does the opposite of what parents say....something to do with the 'rebelling' stage of adolescence, I think!

...any input from those that have gone through this 'transitional' period...DS17...will shortly be 18... and unless he does anything 'illegal'.... I guess I will have to step back and let him make his own decisions (live with the consequences)... you know the cycle!

...he called last night...it was late....he was at GF's and he was sleeping over...(well....he at least DID call me and let me know where he was like I ask him to DO so I do not worry!)

...I don't think I have done this much DEEP breathing in all my life... never knew I had such an oxygen-deprived body before!

Just wanted to share.

I have started reading a book entitled: Hugging Life
(www.hugginglife.com)

It's a very simple story... yet, one that I find very...touching! So much so, that I need to stop on a regular basis because the tears make it too blurry for me to continue reading.

I don't really want to try to 'figure out' why it touches me so much.... it's enough for me to know that it does...

...it must be the simplicity of a HUG, a very common gesture, and yet I am so humbled by it's POWER and COMPLEXITY.. once we take the TIME to reflect on it!

I am sorry guys...

I am just sitting here tears streaming down my face....

...maybe it's this.... and maybe its that....

...and the thing is...it doesn't really matter...

I feel a deep change in ME...

...no longer have I the need to RUSH...

...and find that, in the end, there is VERY little that warrants the RUSH MODE I often got into....

...I don't know if it will last, but there is this peacefulness deep inside of me that I can't describe...

...which allows me to stay MORE in the moment and experience it more fully....

...I somehow SEE both more clearly.....the violence around me but more importantly, the minute acts of love and warmth and their beauty that were not as evident to me BEFORE...

...that somehow fill me with gratitude and appreciation....

...a very warm and fuzzy feeling....

What's up with this?

Are my emotions playing a number on me, again?

((((((((((((((((((((((((THE BOARD)))))))))))))))))))

Thanks to all of you for just being....THERE!

...well....if anyone is reading...

I have gained back some...balance and composure....since my last post! :RollieEyes:

I'm reading.

Luna,

I'm reading too, just haven't had much time this week. I've been trying to get through all of the posts, but it's been an active week!!

On DS17, pick your battles. Trust me, staying at the GF's house is nothing compared to the issues that I have to deal with. He could lie to you, tell you he is staying with a BF then stay all night with her in a hotel or something. At least he is asking and being honest. And, hopefully her parents are there!

Well, the WS sighting was interesting. How did he behave towards you? I haven't seen mine for almost one year and don't want to at this point. It would just be too emotional for me.

Can you elaborate a little more on the book and what it is about? Sounds like something I might like, but don't need something right now that will cause tears. Heaven knows I've had enough of those to last a lifetime.

Hi Lil and CL,



I TOTALLY agree, CL.... I let him know that I choose to agree to disagree for that exact reason.... he could go UNDERGROUND and it would be worse! ..I'll take honesty anytime and then work on respecting each other's boundaries! ...all considered we really get along as he proves himself to be quite the responsible young man (errr...for a 17 yr old!)... and like I said, he does need to learn to make his own decisions, learn from mistakes, test boundaries, etc.... I plan to intervene mostly if I find it could be LIFE-THREATENING...and when receptive, I try to have a dialogue on things to take into account...but I really can't complain...he's into 'staying fit' by going to the gym, mixing healthy shakes, working part-time to fund his favourite hobby...buying clothes! ....can't figure out yet what he wants to do when he 'growns up'....but guess he will one day soon!


WS remains 'polite' and I try to as well...no 'meaningful exchanges'

..WS is very disappointed, I believe his self-entitlement attitude doesn't allow him to, so can't understand WHY I chose to NOT go the 'friendly co-parenting' route for the sake of the boys....can't yet see WHY I need to protect myself from his selfishness...

...I found it less of an emotional trigger probably because of the recent 3 mediation sessions we've had...


For me it was probably a combination of things...so TIMING had a lot to do with it! I like reading a lot of self-help books, which are interesting but can be 'dry' sometimes...and I guess this one hit the spot because it's one man's experience of putting some of my reading into practice.... who has found a very creative way to 'kill two birds with one stone' ....self-healing and healing of others...

...and what inevitably touches me profoundly, and that I find humbling, is whenever I come across examples of the creative element of the human spirit at work....

...so my tears were NOT coming from pain...

..but rather from being touched by someone who chose to explore and share a very powerful personal human experience.... A HUG!

...part of the man's journey was having the idea of being a street artist and taking a very commonplace gesture and 'literally' offer to give FREE hugs to passers-by!... and from there learned about himself and about others... to share and accept himself and others.... to love and respect himself and others.... and the idea mushroomed.... like all very SIMPLE yet EFFECTIVE ideas that can 'figurately' move mountains!

....and you can't help but think: Well who would have thought...!?!?


P.S. ...and probably because I am a...hugger! Just love love love to give hugs to those I care and love... particularly the boys (who would never admit to liking receiving hugs from mom...but I KNOW they do! ...I am just not allowed to do it in front of...their friends ...and I can live with that!)

Luna,

Good job handling the WS drop by,,,,,especially since you were 'unprepared'. Perhaps that was best, so that you did not spend hours THINKING about it beforehand. You did well!!

As for DS17,,,,,I am SO totally unprepared for that part of parenting a teenage boy! YIKES!!! I'll be reading your continued story about him with great interest. I do have one question - Did you talk to his GF's parents about his overnight stay or did you just speak with him?

My 'gut' instinct is that while yes, many kids do this and you have great points about him being open and honest - What about the other parents? Would it not be a good idea to let them 1. make sure they are aware of the sitch (that they aren't sneaking him into her house) and 2. that you are not allowing this to happen at your house? It's just my thought that it's important for the parents to talk, share info, and know what the other's rules/boundaries are.

As for the book & the feelings,,,I totally understand. I love that you found something that touched you so deeply.

I love The Hug, too!!

Bugs,

This is where getting to 'know' your kids and creating a 'safe environment' BEFORE they hit the adolescent stage will come in handy, which I think you are doing just great at.

My two boys have very different personalities... so I expect my approach with DS12 will be different from the one with DS17 now...


Bugs...as to (1)...I am having a bit of difficulties seeing how you can 'sneak' a 17 year old into a house without it being noticed .... and bottom line...they could do ANYTHING...given their MOBILITY and CREATIVITY at that age... as far as (2) goes...I have found generally other 'adults' sometimes take this as judging them or trying to tell them what to do....

With experience, I have come to the conclusion that both (1) and (2) can eventually backfire...

My strategy so far has been:

- create a 'space' (in my basement...bare minimum... a TV, electronic games...but most importantly....away from adults!)
where DS17 can INVITE his friends...so I basically KNOW his friends and can SIZE them up MYSELF! ....in fact sometimes, I have the problem in reverse...I feel INVADED by adolescents...but better that than NOT know where he is and with whom!

...besides, being sooo cute...(and lost and overwhelmed but too proud to admit wanting to built up their confidence!).... the 'homey' atmosphere can really hits the spot for them...away from the reality out there (sounds familiar?) ....because, bottom line, basic needs don't vary that MUCH...whether child, adolescent, adult....only the degree and form varies depending in which cycle we are in!

...and when DS17 stays out late with friends....at that age they will ONLY tell you what they WANT to tell you (and what won't get them into trouble!)...I make it look like I casually wake up (not very good at realizing patterns!)....and have a quick chit chat to 'share'....but really I want to look him in the eyes...see what time he got in...ask who's been out with and where...(ie. to see a film? what's it about...did he enjoy it?).... enough to check to see if his story 'holds water'....

At that age...they are not ADULTS...but are sensitive if NOT treated like adults....so...seeing that it is the direction our relationship is headed for anyway....I am learning and working my way up to it already!

...I try to be FIRM and HONEST and RESPECTFUL with my boys (on their way to becoming MEN).... as I try to be with EVERYBODY in general... (unless hit by events like D-day... that I found...PARALYZING!)

..and is what, I believe, S found attractive and appreciated about me the most....but that WS hates the most....now! :RollieEyes:

Update.

Well... I don't know how things will go from here as far as my Dad is concerned. My mom basically told me yesterday that his health/body can't take the chemo. treatment.... so I don't really know what this means... will they try to buy time some other way? ...how much time? they are meeting doctors this week....and should get a better picture then...

I AM surprised by how much, what should not be 'very surprising news' about Dad, it DOES affect me...at the emotional level :RollieEyes: ...I am seeing that...I better get ready for an emotional rollercoaster ride of another sort!

It's starting to affect my mom... I am hoping to be able to visit for a few days with them in a couple of weeks...and hopefully be up to GIVING some support...

The boys started school...CHECK!

WS was putting some 'pressure' about getting ahead with terms of separation of assets.... I am not exactly at a place where I can concentrate on 'figures' .... Anyways... I expect WS to 'accuse'
me of using it as a 'delay tactics'...right now...I don't really care WHAT he thinks!

We had to 'replace' a tenant, over which I stressed a bit (need the funds to finance mortgage!)...well, after a few weeks, I finally FOUND a new tenant.... but I was a MESS yesterday, so I gave WS all the information he needed and let HIM handle one of the meetings with the new tenants....

WS is aware of my Dad's condition... I am hoping he will 'back off' a bit....

First things first!

Hey Luna,

I'm so sorry to hear about your dad. Today is the 21st anniversary of my dad's death, and it just seems like it was yesterday and I had everything in life...

We just don't know our paths or how we will get through it. Those days when you were in pain, I'm sorry I wasn't here to listen to you. I think of you so often.

I have been pushing myself to the brink to not feel, yet another way of avoiding the sadness and pain, but its working, I'm not thinking about HIM.

Please keep us posted on how your day is doing. I have you all in my prayers.

Hi Queenie,

....going to go and check your thread and catch up on you...but wanted to thank you for dropping by....


I believe you, Queenie...I ACTUALLY thought it could be DIFFERENT... you know...part of the 'cycle of life'...not so, from the looks of it!

...I do find though that it's NOT the same KIND of pain (there certainly isn't any shame, guilt, or humiliation involved ...unlike you know WHAT!).... and so I find it easier to share...and support seems easier for people to give and easier for me to receive....