Hi JP.


Okay, what, in your perception, is to be passed down to your family - the house itself, or the money value of the house? You may say both really, but I'm trying to dissect what the important goal would be.

Also, do you feel your H wants his "fair share" of the money value? Or more simply, does he want to co-own and share a home with his W? Might be both again...just wondering to break issues down to their essence.

His anger issues are unacceptable, and if you are in physical danger some of my thoughts are moot anyway. But I think the thing that has me MORE than pondering your situation is that the majority of your marriage so far has been relatively pleasant. Am I translating correctly?

My H and I had extreme difficulty with a house situation. He already owned a home, and when we married, I moved in. Already pre-marital interest. Okay, I had no issues with that...and am a paralegal, so I could visualize the pie-chart of ownership in the various ways we might choose to move forward.

Well...hindsight, of course...I assumed we'd figure it out together, what's best for both moving forward while protecting his pre-marital interest. H assumed the house was his - period. That pesky little idea of MARITAL interest sent him into shock waves of anger (as a result of underlying fears/insecurities). I was pretty angry too....

Will continue soon, ran out of posting time.

How are you feeling today? Have you had any contact with your H? I will try to post some thoughts about selecting a good attorney asap.

Hi Lucks,
Sorry it took so long for me to get back with you.


Okay, what, in your perception, is to be passed down to your family - the house itself, or the money value of the house? You may say both really, but I'm trying to dissect what the important goal would be.


See, that is where I get confused. The $$ that I inherited I feel should be passed on to the family (this was used to purchase home). My husband will give my son option to buy home but if he can't then house is sold, son gets the amt that home was purchased and then my 1/2 of equity goes to my grandchildren, H 1/2 of equity goes to his kids.
But my heart gets wishy washy, and I start thinking is this really fair deal for my husband, I mean if I should go before him I want to make sure he is taken care of). I just don't feel his kids (which I don't know) should get what should stay in my family, is this a wrong way to feel?)


Also, do you feel your H wants his "fair share" of the money value? Or more simply, does he want to co-own and share a home with his W? Might be both again...just wondering to break issues down to their essence.

I'm not sure but I would probably say that it is both. He commutes 1 1/2hrs to and from work (its an awful commute, I feel for him) so if he doesn't really have anything to work for, its really not worth the stress and 14hr days and all the driving.
but Im thinking he is thinking it would be worth it if he was co-owner. In the arguments Im not even sure if he knows what he wants, he brings up threats about putting him on title one minute and then next fight he fighting to have a trust made up. So right now Im a little confused what he is actually expecting and wanting (name on title or name mentioned in title).


His anger issues are unacceptable, and if you are in physical danger some of my thoughts are moot anyway. But I think the thing that has me MORE than pondering your situation is that the majority of your marriage so far has been relatively pleasant. Am I translating correctly?

So far I have not been in physical danger just mental torment,(although last year I thought for sure he was going to swing at me, but instead he cleared everything off the coffee table stuff went flying and broke) that scared the hell out of me, I thought pls don't let it hurt too bad. But he just kept his yelling and verbal abuse and filling me with guilt, guilt, and more guilt.)

My H and I had extreme difficulty with a house situation. He already owned a home, and when we married, I moved in. Already pre-marital interest. Okay, I had no issues with that...and am a paralegal, so I could visualize the pie-chart of ownership in the various ways we might choose to move forward.

Well...hindsight, of course...I assumed we'd figure it out together, what's best for both moving forward while protecting his pre-marital interest. H assumed the house was his - period. That pesky little idea of MARITAL interest sent him into shock waves of anger (as a result of underlying fears/insecurities). I was pretty angry too....

Will continue soon, ran out of posting time.

Wow, guess my husband could be going through the same thing.
But then on the other hand so much has been said and he has taken actions to bring mis trust into the marriage that Im just not sure what his motives are, so Im very leary. (Since my last post, alot has happened which I will share with you in another message not this one. I want to keep this one on the subject and questions you have asked me. I really would like advice as to how this (if any way) could all be worked out about the hse. My emotions have calmed down since husband has been gone. I have lost a lot of feelings wondering if they will ever come back. Husband doesn't think he has done verbal abuse, or anything wrong for that matter. Its all my fault because of the hse deal. Once again he justifies his actions and treatment to me because of my decision on hse.

How are you feeling today? Have you had any contact with your H? I will try to post some thoughts about selecting a good attorney asap. [/quote]


Please post again, Im waiting axiously to hear how you and your husband handled your situation.
Thank you so much for sharing it with me.
Hope to hear from you soon.

Is there a rush to do this - other than your husband pressuring you? If not, I think you should tell him that you will consider what he wants after the two of you have had a year or two of marriage counseling, that circumstances alter cases and that the marriage, in your eyes, has deteriorated to a point that you are now forced to question his motives and his intentions with regard to you and the marriage. Tell him at the time that you mentioned putting him on the title, you felt more secure and happier in the marriage.

If he is unwilling to get counseling with you, I would get a lawyer and separate. That's just my opinion, of course. Then...I would have him contact you only through the lawyer. Have the lawyer earn what you're paying him.

Are you able to work? I am thinking maybe getting out in society and earning a paycheck might empower you and make you feel less vulnerable and dependent on him.

Thank You Soolee,
The rush is the pressure from H. He is going to flip if I tell him that, he says I've been stalling for 5 yrs. This is not true.
This hesitate and ugly behavior and forcefulness started last year and the year before.

This time since my original post on verbal abuse. There is no talk of counseling. One time it was brought up and he agreed (this was over telephone). But since he has been coming back and staying weekends no mention of couseling. All has been quite.

But yes, I understand what you are saying, I feel that it is something to surely think about.



right now Im babysitting my grandson, earn a little extra $$$.
Dealing with self esteem issues and job enviorement. But yes Im thinking about maybe getting back out there.
Im 56 so its not going to be easy.
But it is in my thoughts with other things where I could support myself.

thank you for your post.

So, basically, the only reason you are stressing over this is because he is BULLYING you to make a decision - TO GIVE HIM YOUR MONEY.

Just this once - SAY NO. Postpone. Say you want time to think about it. Say you'll make a decision down the line, when you have determined where your marriage is going.

btw, quit selling yourself short. I'm 50, and I can get a job in any company. It's how you feel about yourself. If you feel you aren't trained well enough for a job - GET TRAINED! It's worth the money to take classes at a local college.

I agree with Cat. Your husband is a creep and pressuring you for MONEY. SAY "NO FOR NOW".

You could get a reverse mortgage where they would pay you, monthly payments, if you have enough equity in your home. You could live off these until you could get a job.

But for sure, does your husband not appreciate you paying thousands of dollars of his bills off for him?

Don't let this man use you, please be strong and tell him NO. Also, there are ways a person can fake your signature on a deed and get things in thier own name. You will have to talk to an attorney to protect yourself in case your creepy husband tries to do this. It is a felony if he did it and was caught but then you would have a whole mess to deal with.

You know what I just thought of something. Perhaps your husband is so aggressive and pushing you so hard for the money because he KNOWS YOU ARE WEAK and ARE NOT GIVING HIM AN ANSWER.

SO, GIVE THE MAN A FIRM ANSWER. TELL HIM YOUR ANSWER IS NO. NO HE CANNOT BE ON TITLE TO THE HOUSE. NO. AND TELL HIM TO NEVER ASK YOU THAT AGAIN.

Hi Cat,
Thank you for your post.

Well, what you say is partially correct. I have alot of guilt over this. After all he is my husband and he has been a good man up until he started making such a big deal over this hse thing.
I in my mind think that he should be happy and content that I got the monkey off his back, and therefore should be content and let me in my heart decide how to go about sharing with him in maybe a trust (will) issue. But on the other hand I do feel very much guilty, (selfish, greedy) This whole thing got so twisted and then his actions over it has not made things any easier.
This man commutes 1 1/2 hrs to and from work (its a hard commute, scarry alot of accidents) many hrs at work and then on the road too. It is wearing on him (I can see its taking a toll on his body). I feel like I owe him something. I tell you this whole thing just blows me away and yes he makes me feel greedy and selfish.

I also deal with low self esteem. Previous jobs I always seem to end up with over confident aggressive boss or co workers. I am ridiculed for not being bright and able to learn quick enough for them, (Im not stupid, but considered a slow learner) it make take me awhile to learn it, but once I get it I've got it. Employers today don't have the patience and want quick learners.This plays on my self esteem. I have fought it most of my life, as I get older its just harder for me, and ppl and employers today are sooooooooooooooooooo mean, everyone is just out for themselves and they will set you up to fall. I know this is no excuse, but previous jobs have made it even more difficult for me to deal with it (I just have to find my confidence again, because Im not stupid I know this). Its sad, but all my ambition is gone, I have failed in many jobs that I thought I wanted to do or could do. Now, Im at the point of: what in the world interests me any more, what do I want to do until retirement? I love making money and I love to spend it and bless others with gifts. Right now Im just STUCK, guess I need a push............


You are probably very gifted and have ambition, you probably have that self confidence and feel good about yourself (I used to be that way) you probably are a quick learner also. Im trying not to make excuses, but all these things do play into getting out there. Hell, I can't even make connections in by bible studies with other women, its like no one really wants to know me. I see others putting there prayers out there for things they are having to deal with, ppl come to them with caring and nuturing and assistance, when I have put mine out there, that is as far as it goes, no one comes along the side of me to assist, build up or encourage (Christians say this is what we are to do for our brothers and sisters in christ, help them with their burdens) I have seen this for years happen to many ppl, but for some reason I feel I am over looked, so therefore I figure there is something wrong with me and no one wants to get close to me. Its a self esteem thing I know, but time and time again you get hit over the head with these things it does knock you down...........
Yes, training is good. The question is: What in the world do I want to get trained in that I won't fail at?

Thank You for your posts, I do appreciate everyone here at this forum.

Hi,
Thank you for your post.
Reverse mortgage is only when you are 62yrs old. Im not there yet.
H feels I owed him that $$$ for moving up here and making an 1 1/2 hr to and from work for 6 years. I know like I said this whole thing got so twisted and distorted. His treatment and actions have made it even more difficult to make a fair decision.


There is no fear in him forging. He would never do this. This is a fact.
This is how I see it: He is fighting principal. Hes married to me, I was blessed, and I should share with him. he makes long commute for what? He told me last year I didn't have to work, stay home or work part-time whatever (of course I believe in his mind this was only if he was on the house, of course he pays the bills, mortgage and all that stuff). Well over the course of 2 yrs I have managed to save money from previous jobs, income tax, etc. to keep up the taxes, and hse ins. yes, he has been making mortgage pmt and household bills, water, pge, phone, etc.
he complains that he is making long commute for what? Nothing......... He says no one in their right mind would do that. When they could live closer to work and save on gas, driving time, wear and tear on the car and your body (stress of driving).
I believe he has a good point. But I did pay his debt so now his checks are full and free (thats alot of $$$) he can now afford to take care of himself. Before his check wasn't even big enough to pay for an apt, etc. Now he is free. Doesn't this say anything???? But yet he does make me feel guilty, selfish, and greedy.
Like I said IM STUCK, and Im in a self destructing mode right now, I need to get up and get going again, I KNOW THIS..............IM FINDING IT VERY DIFFICULT TO GET BACK UP AND BE MYSELF AGAIN. i WAS A LITTLE AMBITIOUS, I HAD SOME SELF CONFIDENCE AND MADE THE EFFORT.
NOW IM JUST DOWN, AND DON'T FEEL GOOD ABOUT MYSELF. IM SCARED OF BEING ALONE (ALTHOUGH, THAT WILL PASS) IM JUST NOT SURE IF IM DOING RIGHT, I COULD BE TOTALLY WRONG WITH ALL THIS.

THAT IS WHY I POST, IM SO MIXED UP WITH THIS WHOLD THING, SOMETIMES I FEEL I DON'T KNOW WHATS RIGHT OR WRONG IN THIS SITUATION AND THEN OTHER TIMES I THINK I CAN SEE IT CLEARLY, BUT I JUST DON'T WANT TO EXCEPT THAT MY HUSBAND IS REALLY AFTER $$$ ONLY. TO ME HE IS ACTING OUT LIKE A LITTLE BOY AND JUST WANTS PURPOSE IN HIS LIFE AND WANTS ME TO SHARE WITH HIM.............BUT HE IS GOING ABOUT IT THE WRONG WAY, AND HE CAN'T SEE THAT.......................
It has come down to such a touchy subject also emotional, and I can't reason with him about how I see it and how I feel about it, so he has resorted to giving me ultimatiums.
Of course because he has been staying with brothers (men) im sure they are looking out for him and feeding him alot of negative things about this situation, so alot of this stuff might be coming from what they are telling him to do.

Please bear with me, I do appreciate your replies, support, suggestions, and ideas. I need all of you right now, I do so much appreciate all of your support.
Pls don't give up on me.

Here's a weird idea.

How do you feel about keeping the house in your name, renting it out, and if you make more than you need for taxes - split it with him.

Forget the title crap altogether. Just have a legal document made up that you will split surplus income from the house with him as long as the house has a tenant and you're married to him.

Then...move with him closer to his job for a fresh start.

Along with your self-esteem issue - which is largely made worse by HIM constantly belittling you - you are most likely in a depression. A counselor could get you on antidepressants that would help. Before you say 'I don't want to feel weird,' I'm taking two kinds and I can't feel it at all.

You will never be able to protect yourself if you don't get professional help to help you find your self-worth.

And please quit blaming yourself for his commute. That is HIS choice. He doesn't have to stay with you, and he doesn't have to keep that job. Those are HIS choices; whenever he tells you what you should feel guilty about, stop and ask yourself if it's legitimate. Nine times out of ten, it won't be.

He is manipulating you so that HE gets what he wants. Period. So take everything he says and run it through a 'am I being used' filter before you agree to anything.

Soolee, not to threadjack, but I just wanted to say that I really admire how you brainstorm out of the box solutions.

Why thank you my dear. I must have remembered my medication this morning. LOL

yes, that has been a thought. But he wants to take $$ out of hse and buy a mobile home.....................(Is this a way of getting his money from me? and then if things don't work out he is the trailer and I come back to my hse. He mentioned give the hse to son (that means son pays mortgage now (this is from debt pd off for husband) plus the new mortgage of me taking $$$ out to put down on trailer. If my son can't afford pmts on hse. Everything (inheritence) is lost.
Does this make sense?????

yes, I think some depression yes, I've been trying to fight it so it doesn't get really out of hand. I don't like anti depressants they do make you feel weird, you can't function.....
But I understand what you are saying, I will give it much thought even though I think Im not that bad (haaaaaahaa).

I know its his choice to make commute. But some how I still feel responsible, because I said this would be our house so the commute made it worth it. At the time having no idea the out come would be all this.
I have checked into counselors $125-$150 an hr. Thats quite a bit right now for me. If he decides to leave on permanent basis Im figuring how I can keep this hse and pay everything. That is why I also have to get unstuck. He only has 6yrs more and he can have full retirement. It would be stupid to quit. Plus he will never find another job making this amt of $$$. He does make good money and has excellent benefits. He is 54 it would be a stupid move, especially with his age and the job situation today.Unemployment is at its highest.

So i do feel at fault in this area, I led him to think this would be our hse, I had every good intention of doing that, just wasn't sure how to do it, then when his actions and treatments started (him changing from nice mellow guy, to tazmanian devil) that just threw me for a loop and now Im in this merry go around of emotions, responsiblity and decesions, WOW is all I can say.
I guess Im just not responsible enough to have these decisions on me, I just don't have the metallity for this stuff. Im trying to be responsible and really don't want to let the folks down. I know they did this for my security, I feel Im not handling it very well.
He is so wishy washy, It makes it very difficult to figure out his true motives, and I feel he lies and is always setting me up. It scares me. I feel I don't really know him (I don't think I have ever really known him, he is quite and I have caught him in little lies (that don't make a difference, but he chooses to lie) so if he lies on little things why wouldn't on big things that do make a difference. Heck I don't know. I just wish he could be honest and up front and play with a full deck, but he always keeps in ace up his sleeve.
This marriage has never been normal I feel. I really don't think he has been as open with his feelings as I have, and because I have been very open he uses that against me, and it helps him to know how to work me.......................That is what I think.
But then he still is a very generous, giving, good person. I look at him as a little boy that just wants to be loved and shared with.
Yes, I agree with the manipulation part. But if you knew him, its so hard to determine. I don't think he really wants to end marriage. But this hse thing is going to force him. Thats my guess. He is very hard to read these days, and so Im not sure of his true motives.
so I can't help but feel at blame. I just wish he would realize that his actions and treatments have made it more difficult for me.
I can't help to think Im the one being difficult. He has always agreed to my son getting $$$ of purchase of home and 1/2 of my equity. Husband is only wanting to safe guard his 1/2 of equity, he feels he is entitled to that............... so to me he is being fair as far as giving son $$$$$ that I purchased home with right off the top, he has never had a problem with that. its the throwing back and forth wanting name on hse, wanting name on trust I don't know exactly what he is asking, plus I don't think he knows, cause he has never checked into this sort of thing, so he just demands what he wants and Im supposed to figure it out and make it happen................He just doesn't understand why its so difficult of a thing to do.......................
Because I don't know much about it, it brings insecurity and pressure to me that I must clearly know what Im doing or it could be a costly mistake. Then when he talks about divorce that shines a different light on things and complicates the issue. Now I must really be on top of what Im doing. Do you understand what Im saying.
He has just made this more difficult. It takes money to see lawyers. With him playing control on $$$. Where am I to get $$ to see lawyers. i tell you he has made a mess out of all this and made it harder for me to think clearly and wisely. Can you see what Im talking about???

...
Me thinks hubby knows this....so is freaking out to get "his share"

Man Up and quit yer bitching BOY!!!! Plenty of people doing a whole hellofalot more for LESS!!!! [ and more $$ by the way...it's all relative]
He's messing with your head. It's a bloody ridiculous idea!!!
You DO know...but you don't want to believe it. You are doubting the facts that are staring you in the face. That is what is making you spin so badly.
THAT is waht he WANTS you to feel...to break you down slowly. If he keeps at it....he just MIGHT break you. You need your friends and family to keep you centered. Survival. Look out for #1 now. Were he concerend at ALL about the marriage and YOU, the house would mean nothing. Married means...it's your house, who cares whose name is on it. unless ONE is making escape plans...then it becomes important
Roger Roger.
Yes...he is jerking your chain. Tearing you down along the way...because you are standing in the way of "his" $$$...he has a HUGE sense of entitlement. <---Based on what? Not much....and he's proven to be useless with Money. You are the brains with money. Not him.

Break the chain.
1. Yank it so hard it snaps: Inform it will be a cold day in H*ll before you put his name on YOUR HOUSE.

2. Since he is threatening DIVORCE. Please bring you the appropriate papers, as that is Emotional Abuse , not withstanding his Verbal Abuse. Neither of which are acceptable while living with in YOUR HOUSE.

have a friend near by....he will blow a gasket...unpredictable... you could get hurt...

Suggest you read Patricia Evans on Verbal Abuse. You may see some things in there to help you sort out some of your feelings of guilt.

Disengage yourself from his diatribes. It takes some practice though. When he starts ranting and snarling at you...Imagine all you see is an ape playing with itself...they are really not so different.

"Souldragon,

I hear you loud and clear, I really do.
Thank you for input.

By the way this is my inherientenc. i took inheritence money and bought home. So it is my sole property according to Calif laws.

thanks for your post and words of encouragement and to think wisely.

Was there a reason you bought a home 1.5 hours away from your husband's work? What was the reason?

justpeace11: You are a gentle soul...and gentle souls are strong as steel.

Just Peace<---says it all...on many levels.

I hear you loud and clear.

Hang tight ...it's the calm before the storm. Be prepared.
you're not alone.

To all that have posted today,

husband has been working alot of hrs and has been staying at brothers apt. He comes home on weekends.

This Fri he wants to take me to dinner. And then we are planning a day trip for Sunday. Spend the day together doing a luncheon on the water or something like that. Just spending time together, its also for his birthday coming up. This was my idea I asked him what he wanted to do for b-day? We came up with this.

It is totally for it.
This is what I mean, we go on like nothing has happened and then down the road it comes up again.

I can be friendly with him, but I have trouble being intimate because the trust is no longer there. I have mention this to him, he doesn't understand why and how. I don't know how to explain it to him how he has made me feel.
He has mentioned when I have try to explain it. that its just me. He really doesn't seem compassionate and concern.

Because of the way things have been going with the hse. He brings up alot "Its all about you, you want it all". yes, I feel guilty. He works hard and puts up with alot of stress at work. I don't work and only temp babysitting until I can get myself confident and strong mentally again. It brings in a little $$$.

So I concerned about this weekend.