B,
Yes, DD would definitely be better off in jail. I was relieved when they told me she was in jail. I guess overcrowding was the reason they let her go, but I feel that her death warrant was signed by doing that. I've written the judge and asked that she mandate a program, so hopefully when she gets the letter she will reconsider before anyone else dies.

I have to be strong and hold the line - she CANNOT live with me. I hope that I can do it.

And yes, I'm afraid of WH's medical bills piling up. I think I need to find another atty who will fight for me. Mine sure isn't....

DD just called crying. She's the master at LB's. Went off on me that she doesn't do drugs, I should be supporting her blah blah blah. I calmly told her that I know she does drugs, I've seen the proof that she failed her urine tests, and that until she checks herself into a long term rehab, I would not be available. I hope I've done the right thing. I know that I can't enable her with this. I need to let her hit the bottom no matter what that is. It's so hard.....

She also tells me that WH is here in town at the hospital doing tests. I don't think she would lie because she knows that I can verify if he is here. She's angry because I won't talk to him. I told her that of course I care about him, but reminded her that this was NOT my choice for me not to be in his life. Told her as long as OW was in picture, I would not be.

So, that's my wonderful morning so far. What a way to start out a Monday. UGH.

Any guilt you feel is MOSTLY over you thinking you can control the situation, and that your not helping her is hurting her. It's NOT. She's an adult, choosing this life, and must live with what that choice does to her. The choices she makes also impact you, because, as her mother, your instinct to protect her is always there.

With that being said, I can only imagine how difficult a time this is for you.

CL,


I can only imagine how tough it must have been for you CL! You did make it clear to your DD that you will support her when SHE decides to get help...not in destroying herself.



Again, CL, I think you are being very clear...unfortunately, your DD may not be in a position to 'hear' very well right now.

I hope you finish your Monday better than how it got started.

Take care of you, CL. You are in my thoughts.

(((((((((((((((((CL)))))))))))))))))))

Unfortunately, I suspect that the only reason he hs not filed is because:
1. He does not have the $285.00 filing fee (or how over much it would cost in your county). Even if he does have it, he just does not wnat to spend it on a D when he could blow it on crap.

2. It is just too much time and trouble.
I think that most people who threaten to D their spouse (like he has) have no clue what is really involved. They think it is just a phone call to the lawyer, and then that is it. In reality, you have to sit in the lawyers office several times to go over the details. you have to provide financial statements, retirement info, life insurance info. He probably does not have any of that.

I feel the need to be brutely honest here. You should not sit back and wait any longer. Each day that goes by could potentially get you further in debt over his bad choices.

I work with a lady who was in a bad M for years but kept hanging in there (I realize your M was not always bad - I ma just saying that this ladies was). One day her then H got into a car accident. it was the other persons fault, so the H decided to claim neck pain. He strung that along for 2 years. During those 2 years he kept going back to the Dr with this neck pain. He had numerous tests, MRI's, prescriptions,etc. Of course he wasn't paying the medical bills, becuase he was waiting for this big payout from the other drivers insurance. BUT the labs, and Dr's who ran the tests got tired of waiting for their money,and started garnishing my friends wages! Her H did not work during that time because of the "neck pain" (frankly, he never worked much before then either) so he had no income to garnish. But because they were married, her pay check was garnished many times to pay off his medical debts. for the last year they were married they did not even live togther, but her pay checks were still taking a hit.

You have nothing in place to protect you, your future, your retirement. If you file now, you can still reconicle later. But I think you need to make a move. filig for D will either shake him off the fence, or bring you the relief you need.

Luna,

No, she really doesn't hear anything. Her focus is around one thing, and one thing only. I can only pray a lot at this point.

WofF5,

Thanks for stopping by. He did hire an atty, so he must have paid some sort of retainer, but I think you are right on the paperwork issue. He was never good with that stuff, so I'm sure it is a task for him.

I know that I need to do something soon. Like tomorrow. I didn't want this, so I was determined that I would not be the one to file for the D. He wanted me to do it so that he had a justification. He could say "Chai's the one who wanted the D." I guess at this point it doesn't matter because it's apparent that he isn't coming back and my future retirement is at stake here.

I have the name of a new atty, so I'm calling this week. Ditching the old one who is just not into my case.

The name that I got is from a lady who was in my D support group. She was the victim of an A, and she said that this guy made the comment that he hates cheaters. He went after her H and she got a really good deal on the D.

Not what I wanted, but many of us here know how that is. Maybe it's just time to quit fighting. A year was my limit and I'm down to the final 3 weeks which aren't going to make any difference.

CL,


No matter WHAT BS does....WS has the talent to use it against BS! If WS ever wants to recover M, he has had and will have the opportunity to do so well before D is ever finalized.

Doing it for financial protection and peace of mind I think are excellent reasons to consider taking action (and taking care of yourself)....

Because...you need your !

(..now doing it to get revenge would not as good a reason...bad karma! )

Take care.

Signing off for the night!

Chai,

Work YOUR plan the way you want. It's not about what WS wants/needs - it's about what you want and what you need to do for You.

WS will say/do whatever he pleases. How you allow that to effect you is up to you. You stick to your plan and his actions/words/thoughts/feelings are HIS.

You set your timeline. Think about it. You can choose to stick to it or you can choose to extend it.

What is going to be BEST for Chai?? (and please provide reasons WHY ).

As long as THAT is what you base your decision on, it will be the right decision.

Chai,

I've been wanting to get in here to tell you how much I admire your strength.

I have a friend who has a daughter in the exact same boat. Her daughter is not pregnant, though. Not YET. (And I did read that yours was somewhere on your thread? If not, I apologize!)

Anyway, this friend is doing the polar opposite and it is driving the rest of us nuts! She seems to be slowly coming around to understanding that all she's doing is enabling the girl but she still caves when she shouldn't.

She was hoping her daughter went to jail, too, they had court on Friday. Unfortunately the judge was in a good mood that day and no one got jail time.

I would love to show my friend your strength. She knows about MB but is not a computer person. I was thinking about printing them out, if that's okay with you.

Take care,

Charlotte

Charlotte,

By all means, please use whatever you find in my thread to help your friend.

I will tell you this though - a parent will always enable, at least for a while. I think it is parental instinct kicking in. You want to help them, you don't want to appear like you don't care, they make you feel guilty, whatever. I don't think that in the beginning we look at it as enabling.

What happens though, is that eventually when things don't improve, you become used up. You reach a point where you have no energy left for it, and your heart in a way becomes hardened. Exactly as it does with your WH. You just plain get sick of it. And in effect, what you have to do is Plan B your child.

It was only through therapy that I finally got it. The C asked me if what I was doing helped. I said that I didn't think so. She asked me if it had gotten better over the last year. I said a big NO. It had truly gotten much worse, but I said that I was afraid that she would die.

She put it to me like this - if you continue to do what you are doing, she surely will die because she will OD at some point. If you stop enabling, you will allow her to hit rock bottom, whatever that is. I was afraid that rock bottom would be death, and she agreed that it very well might be, but that would be DD's choice. She told me to back off and ALLOW her to choose life. She said that the will to live is great, and that when things get so bad, many will chose to live and do something about it. I was worried that she would be homeless, but the C assured me that there are places (i.e drop-in centers) that she can go to. So...I backed off. I've given her no money in months. So far, she has managed to find a place to live. After the latest fiasco when the girl kicker her out, she has now found another place.

I know it sounds harsh, and it took me 4 years to get to this point, but I had no other choice. I realized that she would take me straight down with her if I allow it. Then two lives would be ruined. I can't help her when she is truly ready if I'm down and out too.

Hope that helps...

CL,

Thank you for your last post, CL.


...and yes, it does!

When I will have 'tough times' as a parent...I will be thinking of you, hoping to find the strength that the 'job' sometimes requires of us!

((((((((((((((((((((CL)))))))))))))))))

HI Luna...I see that you are still doing great consider the Sitch...

Just wanted to drop in and say hello...I've been thinking about all of you the past week or so!

Miss you guys!

CL,

I really admire how much strength you have displayed. It's a very tough road you've been walking, and for a long time now.

Count me among those who think you need to protect what's left of your finances from the Wayward Bulldozer of Stupidity. LSA, Plan D, whatever it takes. It's time.

Hey SD,

I've displayed no more strength and patience than you sir. I believe that you are still ahead of me in this race.

I had dinner tonight with two very good friends. In fact, one happens to be the wife of WH's cousin. She has been very supportive through all of this.

Anyway, as I approach my 2 year anniversary of Dday, and find myself racing for the finish line of my 1 year anniversary of Plan B, I have pretty much decided that I better file for the D. I was thinking that I may be better off by leaving things as they are, but after more thought, maybe not. Since WH would never sign the SLA, I realize that I am at risk. If he is running up medical bills and still freely throwing $ at OP, he may very well have drained all of his retirement accounts. With possible medical bills and debt that he has run up, I could find myself in a world of hurt as WofF5 explained in a prior post.

I did not want to be the one to file for the D, but I also don't want to be the one to end up with a shorter stick than I have already managed to draw. I'm just too close to retirement age to play roulette.

Well, as I'm sure many of you have repeated before me - this isn't the way it was supposed to be. Wish I knew where I was going from here.....

I don't know, but I'm right there beside ya'!

Charlotte

(((CL)))

I didn't want my divorce. I fought x - w/ the intent of saving my marriage - for a year. For the next year, I existed in limbo. Then, after having stress-related reflux problems and being 8 heartbeats a minute away from tachycardia because of the stress, I decided I needed sanity in my life.

By this time, he'd been gone from our home for 2.5 years.

So, that year, I gave him the best birthday present I could. I filed for a divorce on his birthday. I still didn't want a divorce but I had to find sanity.

He wasn't worth doing all that to my body.

I let him go and my body got better.

Cind,


What kind of R do you now have with exWS?

Sorry for the t/j, CL...just wondering how it is after D... since a few of us are headed that way, whether we want to or not..

Cinders/Luna,

Feel free to T/j anytime - it helps me too.

Thanks for the input Cinder. It helps to know that someone else has been down this road. WH obviously isn't going to do anything for whatever reason, and I just feel that I'm stuck and can't plan the rest of my life. I'm 54, so at this point I need to have some idea of what my short term future holds since I need to start planning for my retirement years. I can't do that being in limbo like this.

There could be a ton of reasons why he isn't doing anything, but I can't keep guessing. I would think that OP is hounding him since she is single and probably wants to get some committment. Now that he has had at least one heart attack, I'm guessing that she would want M to be in line for the life ins, retirement fund, etc. That is of course unless he has already cashed most of it in and spent it on her. That would NOT surprise me.

Heck, with WH's record of lying (been telling people he was D'd for about 3 years now), he may have already M her. I would NOT be a bit surprised with that either. Boy, I could have a field day in court with that one.

CL, do what you need to do to take care of you...even if it's not easy...

Thanks Luna. I have to travel next week, but the week after I get back, I am going to get a new atty and file. It will be exactly 1 year in Plan B that week, which is exactly how long I said that I would wait.