you know, I have to disagree here. Fake it til you make it may fix things on the short term, but all of the focus I have seen is with you (Nowisthemoment) making the changes, and none on his side.

Finally, I do speak from experience here (limited experience,but experience nontheless).

Your heart will not be into it fully unless you can see some of those qualities you desire in him. In order for that to happen, he has to show initiative in areas where he hasn't, or hasn't been able to up til now.

I am learning, slowly, that those changes on my part unburden her and allow her to see me as that guy she has wanted all this time. It allows her to be the woman she is FINALLY.

Even with ALL of the other good qualities he has, it is not enough to get some of the BAD qualities you desire.

Does that make sense?

It didn't make sense to me until just recently, but it is starting to now.

Maybe I'm off base here, but it wasn't until I made those changes in myself that I saw an improvement in things in her. It is fun to take the burdens of being in charge away from you, and in turn, you get relax and be the woman you want to be.

Tell me what you think of that, Nowisthemoment. Our stories are similiar, and maybe this will help, maybe it will not. I am still early on my journey to being less of a passive person in my relationship and takng charge. I will never become a "Bad Boy", because that is not my goal, but I will finally become a Man and that is a first for me.

I wish nothing but peace and love for you and yours, and I hope you find the desire you need again with your husband. (I have the same wish for myself in addition to an overwhelming wish for hapiness for us both).

To PNM glad to here you doing better with your spouse, anyway I see no harm in faking it till they make it if she wants to work on the marriage. Women do it all the time, say we are tired long day at work kids gave us a migraine and your partner shows a desire for sex well you can say no every time and he will build resentment so what is the harm in faking it? I rather that than than what this poor guy is going through for the past twenty years, sex makes her ill, well I pray that my spouse never says that to me ever, I would be crushed. If she is willing to stay in the marriage for the sake of the family sometimes you have to make choices. There are a lot of good books and sites on spicing up the relationship, how to introduce toys in the bedroom, maybe the poster has never let herself relax with her husband to be able to climax since she has never felt the same way for him has he has for her. Sex for a woman can be very enjoyable if he full fills her needs. Just an opinion.

T&A,

Thanks for the kind words.

I may need to clarify that I am absolutely 100% in favor of nowisthemoment doing whatever it takes to save te marriage and keep the family intact.

I am just suggesting that a true long term solution may depend on not just her actions, but his as well.

I have no doubt that they will recover and she will find waht she is looking for in her man, but that there are some things he could do here that would help the both of them out.

I have a hard time faking it, myself. We have tried that for years and it is a hollow attempt to get to that next level. I need to know that the person I am intimate with wants the intimacy as well. Knowing now how hard it was for her to try to do that for so long says alot for my wife and I appreciate that, but I just can't accept that any longer.

Respect is of a new importance in our relationship and I am learning not to expect it, but how to earn it.

We owe it to ourselves to find a new way, and that is my suggestion here. If faking it does the trick, then fake it every chance you can.

Just my opinion.

To PNA well if you just lie there like a dead fish then yes you can tell when someone is faking it which is no better than saying no to a spouse that wants sexual relations. I cannot see what this husband has done no wrong other than not looking like |Brad Pitt. I here that she was attracted to a man just for his looks and had an affair on her husband that is a good man that is giving emotionally, that any women in her right mind would find attractive. Personally I like to look at good looking men all normal, but I have never felt the need to sleep with hot guys for a fun romp. My husband is no Brad Pitt not a bad boy but he knows how to bring me to climax and knows my body well, to me he is my tall dark and handsome.

I can see many reasons why she could not be connecting to her husband sexually.

he does not bring her to climax
she has never let herself relax and just enjoy being touched in a sexual way with her partner.

they have never told each other what makes them feel good

they refuse to try new things, toys, roll playing etc,. to spice it up.

She has made up her mind and convinced herself that sex is dirty because she knows him too well or is ashamed to tell him what pleases her and it is easier to do what she likes with a stranger.

The OP is not here but I assume that sex seems to be the crutch of this relationship and there is nothing wrong with learning to experience new things.

To me saying that she is not attracted to him because he has never been good looking is selfish, unless he gained weight, stopped showering, shaving, and has let himself go.

I agree with what you say T&A.

Looks are not the issue here at all, I'm just speaking of attitiude and the difference it makes.

She definitley has a good man, and she definitely is a good woman. It's a shame that that is not all that is needed.

I sympathize with him because I have been him...good househusband, good father, loving, caring, craving sex, etc.

I created or added to the problems we had and blamed her for everything. Only now do I know that it was both of our faults and that my neediness was at the root of one of our many problems.

To PNM it usually takes two to create the problem and it will take the two of you to fix it. My husband is pig heading and so am I so we spent twenty years talking to each other but nether of us was actually listening. I hope the OP comes back to say what the real issues of sex are and for her and her husband and try to resolve it for both there sakes. I am sure this family can stay together and find contentment if they get the help they both need.

Tiredandangry

What are you ranting about?

Thanks Passivenomore

Things are going well for me and my H too. In such a short space of time things are starting to change. I am learning a lot and seeing through different filters for the first time in forever.

There's no way for anyone to get the full picture of my marriage unless my H posts here too. However, you do have an insight into a little of how he is. It does take two.

I am a good woman. Thank God we can learn and move on from our s**t given the opportunity, tools and love.

To Now In Moment excuse me what am I ranting about? Well are you the one that is not interested sexually in your husband but had an affair? You are tearing up you marriage you selfish witch he has been nothing but nice to you and you continue to walk all over him, I would have kicked you out long ago and not thought twice about it. What a control freak you are Stella is right your nuts.

Hi JL

Yes, we have done the whole gambit of emotions. From the affair, separation and talk about divorce. So yes, I guess there's nothing left to hide. In the corner of my mind I think he could and perhaps should leave and that worries me. He has every right. However, he's still here. I wonder whether I will be able to show him as much love as he has me and make up for the years. I want him to be so happy we stayed together. I want him to have no doubts about my loving him and my wanting to make him happy.

My H has said that in our marriage I've not been vulnerable with him which makes intimacy difficult. I understand now what he means. On the other hand he has always loved me and praised me for my strength and tenacity. My ability to 'get on' with things. Now I've learned that I needed to have both - in fact - probably more vulnerability. So, now I see his staying with me and loving me through all the terrible stuff as him not being a weak person, but as a very strong one. I see it now.

I think I have a lot of habitual stinky old thinking and stinky old feelings that come with that.



Could it be that I'm still not at the point that I really do need him? Why would he expect less from me than other men do?

Why are you here ranting on this thread and being verbally abusive? I am working on my stuff and trying to save my marriage. You are clearly not reading anything here but just wanting to vent it seems.

Nowis,

You asked
If you mean "need" him in your life to survive, no you don't need him any more than I need my W. If you are saying you don't need the balance, the intimacy, the love (pretty much unconditional love, and care) that he brings to your life, then I wonder about you.

Why would he expect less from me than other men do?

Well, most men expect to be respected by their W.

Most men expect to be loved by their W.

Most men expect that earning a good living is something their W appreciates.

Most men expect that SF have some importance to their W rather than her finding it with another man.

Most men expect to feel save with their W and know that she has their back.

Most men expect that their W would appreciate their efforts to make them happy and the marriage good.

I don't get the impression many if any of these statements are true, and yet there is your H trying his best to be a good H to you. He apparently needs less and will accept less from you than most men would.

Now here is something for you to think about. You could say, "well men that don't need me are REAL men while my H is a wimp." Om sort of fits that bill doesn't he. But, OM really required nothing serious from you other than sex and thus you did not feel OBLIGATED to OM. Your H is actually going for more than most men.

You see what people won't accept is not really the measure of who they are and their strength. It is often easier to do the "take it or leave it" stunt. It is far harder to stand for your marriage and family, in the face of a W that really has not cared for years.

Stength is a very strange thing. It is easy to measure if we are talking about lifting weights, but even in fighting strength is not sufficient to carry the day, at least not brute strength. Strength of mind, of will, of focus, of dedication those are required.

Must go. Hope something I have said helps. I will close by addressing one last comment This is an excellent goal. You can do this be ENJOYING what he does for you and seeing as you say "his strengths."

You are coming along Nowis. You really are. Keep up the work.

God Bless,

JL

Yes I want to vent because I know your type your selfish, you want your cake and you want to eat it to. Well tell me how does it feel to come on a board and tell strangers that sex with your husband makes you ill? Then have an affair with a stranger that can give you an sexually transmitted disease, to to mention tear your family apart, and still pine for the guy. Your still treating your husband like a piece of gum stuck to the bottom of your shoe, and he has done nothing to deserve this abuse, you made three children with him and he still wants you, go figure. Tell me what am I missing?

You have obviously not read all of my thread or done so selectively. Sex with my husband does not make me ill. In fact it's been pretty great lately and it's been good giving to him - despite me.

There are clearly issues I have not dealt with and am doing so now. Sheesh....... read it again. It may have taken an affair to deal with my s**t, but I am dealing with it. Putting all the crap out there so I can love him with all my heart. You have got stuck on the OM and I'm not sure why. You feel that coming on here and insulting people who are working to 'save their lives' is commendable. It is not - it says more about you and your triggers perhaps. I did at one time have my cake and eat it for which I am not proud but beyond sorry. As for treating my H like a piece of gum.. etc. This must be how you feel because it is not what I'm doing OR how he feels. Yeah, what a phenomenal person he is that he loves me and the children. I have the potential for the best marriage in the world and I am so happy that I have the chance to love this guy for the next 23 years and beyond when we get past all this.

So, why is it that you are posting here again?

I suggest you read your opening post, I have and all that have followed, I cringed when reading it. You do not seem to address what the issue of sex is with your husband is to the people that have asked. I do not know you from Adam but if your not honest with us or yourself or husband how can you expect to save or fix your marriage?

TandA,

Perhaps, you need to calm down. If you really have nothing to offer Nowis in the way of advice for healing her marriage, perhaps you need to find a poster here that you can help.

Calling her names or pointing out her failures with no constructive advice to offer, is sort of like telling a kid that finished last in windsprints that he is slow.

He has that much figured out, what he doesn't know is how to get faster.

Nowis, is aware of her failures, she is seeking advice to overcome them. To receive such advice she had to tell us her feeling for her H from when she was in the A and perhaps before. That does not mean they have not changed. She has stated that the SF portion of the marriage is improving...significantly.

I hope something I have said is of use to you.

God Bless,

JL

Well we all have opinions, I respect yours as for her trying I just do not see it what I see is excuses, that in itself will not heal her marriage. If she is looking for justification for her actions well sorry she not getting it from me. Have a good night

TandA,

Justifications won't help her, and that is not where this discussion is going with her. At least I don't see her justifying her behavior but seeking to change it along with her perspective.

Good Night TandA,

JL

'nough said...

Mark

Mark,

Nice of you to note that the difference in time on this site.

I must say though that TandA may have much to offer on this site. Number of posts while a guide does not infer all knowing wisdom. A new person posting can be very insightful.

I suspect Nowis' situation is close to home for him, thus his response. And he is right, justifications don't often get the job done.

By the way how are you doing these days Mark?

God Bless,

JL