Hi B,


Long time no see!

Yes, B... I agree with you... so far WS hasn't shown any signs of being reckless with money like your WS...

...and three mediation sessions with WS so far is making me...a bit dizzy!

WS seems to be impatient....and wants to 'get the whole thing over with as soon as possible so he can get on with his life'... or hopes maybe post-D he will start to feel better....

....the fact that mediator we're using is a psychologist specializing in affairs and family counselling may just be slightly out of WS's comfort zone!

All the more reason to keep the mediator!

You bet, CL!

...don't think I would have been as open to mediation otherwise!

...I know I can be sooo naive at times (even now still! :RollieEyes:).....I know I am minced meat at the hands of a WS.. :crosseyedcrazy:

I know Luna. How the WS maintains their hold on us is beyond me. I ask myself everyday how I can still even care about mine after everything that he has done to me. Seems we should hate them but we don't.

I have a friend who keeps telling me to move on. Says I don't like the whole thing just because it was WS's idea. Sheesh...

Well, CL...


....that's why we come to the Board... unless you've been 'there'....it's really hard to imagine! :RollieEyes:

...and reading the 'gaslighting' article.... it has ME written all over it! :crosseyedcrazy:

Lil...


Thanks!

Luna,

Sorry, I'm late to the party (again), but wanted to put in my agreement to keep the mod you have.


Yes, if this person is in any way forcing him to FACE what he's done he is not going to like it. Drac, while having 'admitted' to me some of the truth he is starting to see for himself certainly did NOT want to have to face that in front of our mutual peers and/or friends. He did it (somewhat) - - I wish YOU ALL could have been there to see it. I would have loved to have had some of your educated evaluations of the whole thing.

Anyway - this is working for YOU, so stay with it. Who cares what/why he wants to change. You don't want to. Period. End of story. He doesn't give 2 hoots for anything but what is easiest for him. That's NOT your job.

You are sounding strong! Keep it up!

Waywards HATE facing reality. It makes them particularly nasty, and nasty at the easiest, most convenient target, which is typically their BS.

Stand your ground. Stay with the mediator.

Hi Bugs & SD,

I agree with both of you. WS would rather NOT face reality... which is one reason his fence-sitting ended up on the 'other side'

But inspite of that....with time and regardless of all of his attempts, SOME reality does filter through into WS's 'idealized and romantic world'

...and these sessions certainly do.

...because even though the discussions' focus is settlement of assets, WS's issue with «WHY of WHY Luna refuses to participate in friendly co-parenting....the damage it's doing to boys' development yada yada yada», totally BELIEVING that it has NOTHING to do with him, and voicing his frustrations (hoping to get support from mediator??...and a REALITY check for me )...does come up!

...I just take those moments as an opportunity to lay PLAN B terms on the table, AGAIN ...which does a world of good..to ME

...and allows mediator to bring up the issue (not me )....of the healing of a BS's WOUND as a consequence of his choices!

...which is why WS would rather redirect the attention to the mediator's...skills...

(WS does have a point...whatever we decide we will have to 'run it by' a lawyer..and an accountant for that matter!....SOOOO???)

I have communicated to WS that I prefer continuing with current mediator.

...NOW...WS could CHOOSE not to (seeing that mediator is not a lawyer!) :RollieEyes:

...if so, then we will see.

...because mediator may not fit the bill with WS's attempts at putting the pieces together 'just so' ...that will allow him to fully experience the painless 'perfect world' he envisioned and is getting impatient.....SO AS SOON AS... ( oh...what WILL it take to get the bad taste out his mouth (yeah...right! )

...while I am just trying to survive...DAY BY DAY! :crosseyedcrazy:

Update.

I can see now why BSs who have any contact with a WS need to come here to help them 'hold back' and not RE-act to some of WS's comments...and help them NOT BITE!

If you don't recall, I have had so far 3 free mediation sessions out of 6 with WS, trying to settle assets and move forward with plan D (that I only considered because I cannot afford to 'just let the lawyers' handle it!)

WS suggested we change the family mediator (who is a psychologist I suggested, and the reason why I was open to mediation session with WS to begin with) to one with legal background.

I replied that I would prefer not to, to his suggestion that we change to one with 'legal background' for obvious reasons, and if so, to let me know if he still wanted to continue (or not) with so and so....(waywards are difficult enough to deal with...thought it best to remind WS that I was not the one FORCING him to participate in mediation sessions!)

WS said «fine»....but added:

«..but I want to again repeat that it would be preferable to have the services of a lawyer who would at the same time be qualified by the Court to do family mediation...but I can see that it's really important for you to do it in the presence of your trusted therapist, and that it would be difficult for you to consider another qualified mediator ...but I can't help but think that to do so will only allow for the situation to drag on longer... is that what you want? »

My reply to him: «OK.»

...but I am here now to vent:

...and if it would NOT have made the situation worse, I would have liked to add to my reply:

..and yes..it's important for me to be in the presence of at least one person I THINK I can trust, not personally only given his professional background, and yes that I contacted initially to help me cope with your insensitive selfish acts of infidelity, to have someone present who I think I can count on to be somewhat sensitive to my (unmet) needs...and to help me cope to be in your presence, someone who I thought I could trust and did so for over 20 years, enough to accept to build a family with, have children, etc etc and who chose to break my trust... by lying and cheating and in so doing destroying our family.... and who thinks there is nothing wrong with that, in the name of....LOVE (yuk, yuk, yuk) of all things to justify his actions!

...and yes...I am interested in dragging this out as long as I can just so I can continue to at least breathe just at the thought of legalizing the destruction of our family. ... allowing me to SEE what you have become... face MY REALITY ....and that you have become someone I DO NOT want to KNOW...should make it easier for me to....LET GO and MOVE ON!

...and that would be just for starters... and if I don't continue...it's because I don't want to make myself because I do have a few things I need to accomplish today...and won't be able to if I stay on this course...

...going for the least or 'minimum' relief needed to help me maintain my 'functionality'...if not my sanity! :RollieEyes:

...but may be back if I need to!

Geeshh.... is this my ANGER coming out? ...it scares ME, too!

Well...


I wasn't kidding when I said my own ANGER scares me....

It's not an 'emotion' I am used to experiencing.... and as usual... with anything 'unknown'...the uncertainly, lack of confidence on how to best deal with it....is surfacing UP!

...any suggestions on how to best deal with it?...other than how it is suggested with any other 'emotion'....

BREATHE throught it!

...uhhhhmmmmmm...should I be expecting more of it? .... and is this indirectly linked to my having 'direct contact' with WS, through mediation, even though it is in the presence of a third party? ...is it part of the package deal of 'grieving' the numerous losses? :crosseyedcrazy:

I really could use a break from this rollercoaster ride of emotions!

Breathe

Breathe

Breathe

Glad you come here to vent! It's ok to feel the anger as long as you work through it and don't let it eat you up.

He's just trying to throw anything at you he can. Remember, this man KNOWS how to press your buttons & it's working - -
BUT you are not reacting emotionally to him so it's NOT giving him any satisfaction!

GREAT JOB!!

And, again, WHY would you want to make any of this easy for him??

Hang in there. You are really doing great!!!

Oh, thanks Bugs for dropping by.

Your post is really helpful. It's been awhile that contact with WS was strickly 'businesslike'.


...I guess I am doing better...I can hold out letting steam off at HIM :RollieEyes:...long enough to come here and do it!

...I guess we could call that...progress!

Your support here REALLY makes a difference...
Well, I wouldn't know where else to turn to...

...and given all the practice, I am finally getting really good at...BREATHING

Breathing is the best thing. When you get triggered, you have a tendency to tense up and breathe shallowly, which will keep you agitated. Recognizing this and being conscious of your breathing, keeping it deep and slow, will help you to relax.

Listen to some calming music. Get a massage.

Go to http://www.learningmeditation.com/room.htm and listen to some of the meditations there. You can find other ones on the web.

Here's another idea: write him a letter full of all the things you want to say to him. Use a pen and paper (Bramblerose always told me there was something therapeutic about writing it out that way, and I tend to agree). You won't send the letter, of course, but the act of writing it will help you let go of all of the junk bouncing around your head.

Plus, you can do something symbolic with the letter if you want.

Thanks, SD,...I know you are faced with 'triggers' on a regular basis....so I appreciate your sharing on how to best deal with it.

...and I better prepare myself, given Plan D, the 'triggering' will likely get worse before it gets better....

....I like this idea in particular.....


...which allows for some creativity!

The possibilities are endless. You could go any direction you want with that, and the direction you start in may not be the direction you finish in. Which could be its own reward. . . .

And yes, I think you should be ready for more of this kind of triggering.

Luna

Luna,

Big to you girl. It's OK, and probably good therapy, to vent. Do it here. We've all been there and will go there again, so we understand. And yes, breathe.

Luna, you have been at this almost 4 years now. Maybe it is just time to LET GO. I honestly don't know how you have survived this long. Kick this jerk to the curb and be done with it already. And go out with a bang.

Just another viewpoint. A little venting of sorts on my end.

OK, now back to reality. Just write the letter, don't send it, and go back into Plan B for as much as possible.

Thanks for the heads up, SD!!??? I think.. :crosseyedcrazy:

Hi CL,


Guess time flies when you're having fun! ...and I agree... I just need to figure out how to do and still come out of it..ALIVE :crosseyedcrazy:


..believe me, CL, if I could be 'done' without EVER coming out of Plan B ....but that's me in BS laland! :RollieEyes:

The way I see it...Plan B is a form of 'relief' from the emotional abuse caused by D-day and its aftermath.... it buys 'time' for BS to get to a place where hopefully we will be better able to 'manage' the triggers, so as to not be overwhelmed and continue to remain functional....

...I have to admit...a while back I did not think I would be able to FACE WS, EVER!....I am now able to do so (with supervision, of course!)

...is that what's called...baby steps?!?

...G-d, I seem to have such a long way to go...when you think about it, it's a bit depressing! :RollieEyes:

Luna - do you know what you WANT out of life, irrespective of your husband's choices?

House - what does it look like?
Lifestyle - what do you get to do?
Health - is there a physical challenge you've always wanted to do? (Dance, marathon, triathalon, climb a hill - or a mountain, etc.)
Travel - is there a place you've always wanted to visit - drink in the environment - maybe live there for a month or two so that you can get it ALL?
Service - has there been a cause that has had your attention and heart, but not your energy and time?

Channel that anger to something that gets you closer to something you want.

I have a friend who once told me "I can have anything I want - one thing at a time - just not all at once" - and it's true. Give your attention to one thing - focus that energy of anger and injustice into something you DO have power over.

Give up the pictures of how you wanted your life to look like - I believe there are better realities to come than images we have our hearts set on, if we will just surrender, then redirect our energy!