jayne241
Would you look over my posts in Emotional Needs - FS=Fantasy Sex?

I feel a connection in our story. If you click on my name you can view all my posts. My H doesn't talk either!

Hey Jayne,
I hope in the battle of Jayne vs. computer code, you won.

I have been thinking of alternatives to verbal and written communication. Generally I cant think of anything sensible. So far I have come up with smoke signals, semaphone, writing with lip stick on the shower wall, charades.... but you know

Did you get an opportunity to talk about the flowers with H?

Hi jayne, it did sound like self-talk to me, that part of your post. That woman's intuition again

WEWS, I am glad to see you calling out to jayne, I also thought that she would be a great ally to you as you work your way through this. We are so much stronger together than we are alone! Did you have any thoughts to share with jayne about her posts here on her thread? We can learn a lot from each other sharing what we see through our own filters.

Jayne, I know you're super busy, but whenever you have time, you've got mail.

WEWS... thanks! I posted on your thread last night, I haven't checked there yet this morning... I hope my post to you didn't sound like I was closing the conversation. I welcome continuing to talk to you.

Ears, I'm glad you weren't offended and thinking I was telling you to leave me alone. *hugs* and you've got mail.

In other news... I'm getting really tired of having to remind myself to be mad at H.

Last night I told him that I see that he's working really hard to take care of things for the family, and he isn't getting support (meaning, from me and from the kids) and that I'm sorry about that. He smiled and thanked me for saying that. I told him that I really really really need conversation and H&O, and asked if we could talk. He said no. He suggested we talk about houses. I said, that doesn't really meet my need for conversation and H&O, it's more like a business discussion. He asked if it counted even a little. I asked if we could just talk for 5 minutes (about other stuff), he said ok. I asked if he'd agree to calling a MC. He said no. I said I was thinking of calling one myself. He didn't say anything. I said it costs $195. He said we've done it before, if that's what I want to do. I said, but you won't join in the call with me? He said he doesn't really want to. It looked like he had tears in his eyes though. I wonder if he really wishes he could talk more in the ways that I need, and he just can't.

Jayne, that's so cool. I think the Harleys would help you identify ways that your H would be enthusiastic about participating.

So you still think I should call? It's a lot of money, if it isn't gonna help a whole lot then I'd rather wait...

Yes, I think it will help a WHOLE lot, to help you find how to get your TOP EN met.

Thanks again for the hugs this morning. *hugs* back atcha

Morning Jayne,

Hope your feeling better.
I agree with Ears in that IF H joins in on the call it may help him understand where you are coming form. I forget, has he ever councilled with the Harley's before or was it with another crowd?

However, even if he doesnt, you might get other ideas of way to communicate he will join in sort of my suggestions yesterday

Thinking of you.

Well the semaphore idea just might work...

At various times, I've tried using email for the majority of the communications. That seems to work for him but it builds resentment in me. I'm doing it again nowadays, out of necessity, for things that we absolutely need to discuss, like houses, etc.

I feel the resentment building though.

I'm trying to remind myself that there are some folks here, like hold, who have also gone for long periods of time without getting their top ENs met. If hold can go with little to no SF, can I go with little to no Conversation?

Ok, I'm back to the angry sullen silence... Prolly confusing H, since I relented for a couple days due to being tired of trying to stay angry. But it may be mixed messages - he may have thought that I was ok with the state of the M, when I stopped acting so withdrawn.

Ok, back to basics: from the Four Guidelines to Successful Negotiation:

Ok, I'm still struggling with whether or not to talk... how to negotiate, when negotiating requires talking, and what I want to negotiate IS talking... and how that fits in with the not-changing-my-H-just-doing-my-own-stuff...

It seems I always come back to the same old questions. I feel I'm not making any progress, I'm not getting any closer to getting *my* needs met. The only progress is just in my learning to "settle" for less.

And yet there I go again, with expectations -> resentment.

I'm going around in circles. How can that be, when I see so clearly what others need to do to get off their merry-go-round?

Jayne, my friend, it seems like you may feel scattered. So if you feel this way, it is hard to concentrate on just one thing or one issue. When I feel this way, I write out all the ISSUES in a list. Just TITLE THEM EACH.

My current list is like this:

1. DECK DESIGN PROBLEM
2. ATTIC FAN? OR NOT...
3. HUSBAND'S CLOTHING ON CLOSET FLOOR
4. DIRECTIONS TO HOUSE FOR WOMEN ON TUESDAY
5. LUNCHEON IDEAS FOR WOMEN ON TUESDAY
6. BUYING HEALTHY FOODS
7. EXERCISE
8. Vacation problems-how to get husband to go on one.
9. More sex for me this week-how to get it and when...


Whatever it is in my ENTIRE life, even if there are 40 things, I TITLE the problem, then I WRITE it on a LIST.

This is the first step. Please list it ALL. ALL of them in your life now, big or small issues, problems big and small, etc.

Then we can hit them one by one until they are all solved beautifully!

jayne, hon, how are you feeling now? Reconnected yet?

How's your self-care? Check your intent, so you can know that it's pure. Are you acting from your integrity? I think you are, jayne. I think you can let go of the response.

Jayne, do you like music? I just googled "Made To Love." It's by Toby Mac, and decribes really well how we lose our connection and regain it. I do believe we were wired to love like this, to love even when we don't feel loved back.

I saw a link to Burn For You, also by Toby Mac. And then, I clicked on Toby Mac's "I'm For You." And his "One World" Wow, these songs really lift my attitude. I feel like giving my H a little kiss when I listen to these, even when I'm still mad. Please let me know what you think! I'm so excited for you

And Switchfoot's "Dare You to Move." Helps me when I get caught up in swirls, too Especially the lyrics.

Thanks y'all...

first the music. My current obsession is "If you're going through h311" by Rodney Atkins. I heard it for the first time on the radio as we drove to Canada. Here are the lyrics, copied and pasted so don't blame me for the wordy dirds.

Well you know those times
When you feel like there's a sign there on your back
Says I don't mind if ya kick me
Seems like everybody has
Things go from bad to worse
You'd think they can't get worse than that
And then they do

You step off the straight and narrow
And you don't know where you are
Use the needle of your compass
To sew up your broken heart
Ask directions from a genie
In a bottle of Jim Beam
And she lies to you
That's when you learn the truth

If you're going through hell
Keep on going, don't slow down
If you're scared, don't show it
You might get out
Before the devil even knows you're there

Well I been deep down in that darkness
I been down to my last match
Felt a hundred different demons
Breathing fire down my back
And I knew that if I stumbled
I'd fall right into the trap that they were laying, yeah

But the good news
Is there's angels everywhere out on the street
Holding out a hand to pull you back up on your feet
The one's that you've been dragginig for so long
You're on your knees
You maight as well be praying
Guess what I'm saying

If your going through hell
Keep on going, don't slow down
If you're scared don't show it
You might get out
Before the devil even knows you're there

Yeah, If you're going through hell
Keep on moving, face that fire
Walk right through it
You might get out
Before the devil even knows you're there

If you're going through hell
Keep on going, don't slow down
If you're scared don't show it
You might get out
Before the devil even knows you're there

Yeah, If you're going through hell
Keep on moving, face that fire
Walk right through it
You might get out
Before the devil even knows you're there
Yeah, you might get out
Before the devil even knows you're there.

Ok, now, you want a list of everything I have to worry about... I don't think I can remember *everything* but here's a partial list:

1. Are the people who made an offer on my house gonna be able to get the loan so we can close?

2. Was my asking price too low, seeing as how I got an offer before it was officially on the market? (This I should just let go, there's no way to tell, I should just be thankful I got an offer so fast and they want the house as is, before I fix up the bathroom.)

3. How come there's no offers on H's Canada house yet, are we asking too much, are we gonna get offers in time to put the money toward a downpayment on a new house?

4. What house should we go with? Should we get a less expensive house so we can put more money into savings? Do we want an in-town house or one that borders the national forest?

5. What school should the kids go to? We don't have many choices - is that good enough? Am I gonna regret taking them out of their awesome school where we used to live?

6. Should I be attending these meetings for my previous project this week?

7. Am I gonna have anything to say at the meetings for my current project next week? Is that guy gonna give me his results, after I gave him all the information about our techniques?

8. Is my old school gonna be harder on my grad student with me not around to protect him?

9. Is my friend gonna have a harder time without me there to support him?

10. Am I spending too little time with my kids, are they growing up wild?

11. Am I getting myself into a bad situation, moving to this new location? Will I be able to get funding at a smaller school?

12. Am I over-committing myself, taking on too many projects at the new place?

13. Is H gonna be working such long hours at the new job that we won't be able to have much family time or UA (not that we have much nowadays)?

14. Am I gonna be able to write a good enough proposal by the deadline of the end of September?

15. How should I handle the proposal, given my continued status at one school but also at a new school?

16. How am I gonna ever figure out these computer codes that others have written, when I'm too embarrassed to ask for help?

17. All the emails I haven't answered the past few days...

...

Wow. Almost none of those are about H. So why am I spending most of my day getting upset at him for not talking to me more?

"Wow. Almost none of those are about H. So why am I spending most of my day getting upset at him for not talking to me more?"

This is a good question!

I wonder why...

I see you have the "endless loop" thinking/worrying disease that I used to have at one time. These are WORRIES....they are not MARITAL PROBLEMS YOU CAN SOLVE OR UNDERSTAND.

These things that run again and again thru your mind FORMING an endless loop of worry. No wonder you are stressed out. Lets look at these items here. What do they have in common?

1. They have not happened yet, they are more like "possible outcomes" than "problems to be solved",,,

2. They are all about the UNKNOWN FUTURE, things you are fearful of happening or not happening and things you feel you cannot control.

3. Numbers 2,5,6,9,10,12,14,16,and 17 are ABOUT YOUR COMPETANCE OR LACK OF COMPETANCE AS A PERSON. THEY ARE ABOUT YOUR INSECURITIES AND IF YOU ARE "GOOD ENOUGH" AS A PERSON.

I am so glad you wrote this list! I used to have the same struggles with this kind of stuff in my mind all the time.

These kind of thoughts are about the "WORRY habit". It is "obsessive thinking". This is a thought disorder, it is not about the things in life that you can change and that you can control.

This kind of thinking CAN BE ERADICATED. Once you eradicate this endless loop thinking, you will be:

1. Calmer
2. Less apt to need your husband's attention
3. Less apt to demand your husband's attention
4. Less apt to THINK you need more conversation
5. Able to break this loop of worry on your own with your own mind.
6. Happier
7. More energy that is not wasted on worry.
8. You will be much more focused
9. You will NOT have a generalized feeling that things are going WRONG all the time.
10. You will see what is worth worrying about and what type of worries are just wasting time.
11. You will have more inner confidence, these fears and worries tend to erode the confidence in yourself.
12. You will not feel so scattered.
13. You will be able to reach your inner strength better

I think that I used to need other people to vent this stuff on and to "carry" my worries on thier shoulders like "I carried them" inside my own head. The only problem is that THEY WERE MY OWN WORRIES, they did not belong to anyone else. AND they were only WORRIES OR FEARS! .... they were not the truth! So why would i want to involve another human being in my false thoughts, fears, and WORRYS? Especially if they were not even the truth!

If you look at each FEAR you wrote down here I bet you can "eliminate" it. Want me to help you eradicate these false fears/worries here that are dominating your precious mind???

Each worry is attached to a fear within your own mind and emotions. As you pull out each of these statements the fear will come up with it, like pulling up a fishing pole and there is a big heavy fish on the end of it! Or sometimes you pull up that pole and there is just a weed or a piece of wood on it that you thought was a fish. Or once in a while you will pull up that pole and it will be EMPTY!

Do you want these FEARS, these UNREALIZED and UNREALISTIC fears and WORRIES, do you want to see them DISSAPEAR?

Want to go fishing???

Wow, really? These are rooted in insecurities??? You think it's worth looking to see the fears behind these worries...?

I'm working on a program that has a part that deals with facing your fears. I thought there wasn't much for me to work on there. Hmm...

Ok sure, I'll bite, I'll go fishing!

... and yes, I can see that part of what's going on is I want to vent these worries to H so he'll worry about them too.

Yes, I remember when I had to spend a year or more realizing and attacking each of my (many) fears and insecurities. Soon they dissapeared for good. Here is one of my old lists.

1. I will fail at work
2. No one will love me
3. I am stupid
4. A failure
5. Ugly
6. I will always be alone
7. etc. etc.

Pick a number on your list and we will knock off that one first.