As funny as it sounds, the reason I can say this is because this is what my W would have said (pre A) if she knew I was hanging out with a cheating woman....100% sure of it.

How ironic.

If my wife were to be hanging out with a person that had an affair(especially one that refused to own up to the deed to the OBS), I would lose it on both of them. I think that looking at a persons past actions and/or who they choose to associate with should give you a good indication of their character.

I think there are few things lower in life than a cheater/former cheater that allow another injured party to live in the dark.

You’ve taken what I’ve said out of context. I’ve said:

"It’s okay to have friends of the opposite sex, as long as they are friends of the marriage and friends of both spouses."

Actually I was thinking in the line of friendships with other married couples… Or do you think friendships with married couples should be terminated/prevented after one of the spouses had an A?

Which spouses? You, or the friends?

I was referring to couple themselves (the FWS and BS), not the friends.

This is not a subject for compromise. Either she has no opposite sex friends or, given her history, she is still interested in pursuing other men. Period. She needs to give this up NOW and agree to being monitored. Otherwise she is not in recovery.

I didn't take what you said out of context...you may not have said what you intended, but I referenced what was actually said.

Suzet, you tell me...should ANY woman trust her husband having a friendship with a woman that has not only had an affair....but then chose to not let the OBS know of this affair. Tell me, would YOU be comfortable with your husband being friends with someone that did what you did? I wouldn't accept that in my spouse for even a minute.

You did take what I’ve said out of context because you only quoted a part of the sentence and not the full sentence.

I did what I thought was the best back then (to put my M and BS first) and what I did was also in line with Dr Harley’s advice on my specific situation e.g. to not do something that was against the agreement of my H (informing the OPS).

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubb...in=138488&Number=1762807#Post1762807

To answer your question: Personally I would not judge and condemn another person for a choice that was made because of similar circumstances.

no it is most certainly NOT in keeping with Dr. H's advice.

I will end this debate with you now. Wouldn't want to see you pretending to get banned again.

IMO, any FWS who has learned all the lessons the hard way and has established good boundaries shouldn't even want to have friends of the opposite sex.

I would never put myself in that position again, period.

LC

The difference between a (F)WW and a WW........spelled out.

I, being female, would only hang out with men in a group. Never just me and one other male.

I work in a male dominated field.
I've been asked into my supervisor's office and asked a colleague to go with me. The supervisor said "That isn't necessary" and I looked him square in the eye and said "I prefer that another person be in here with us, or we can go to the break room."

The colleague went into the office with me.

You CAN get around situations where you're expected to be with one member of the opposite gender.

Lifeschoice, I agree with you completely and I feel the same way… I don’t have the slightest desire to be close friends with an opposite sex person ever again. I will only have friendly interactions with a man on platonic level when it’s a couple who are friends to both me and my H and where we all can share time together. This is my personal boundary as a FWW who had been involved in a one-sided friendship (where my H was not included in the friendship) which eventually developed to an online EA.

After the conversation that led me to start this thread, I'll be bringing this up to MC in a solo session tomorrow. WW is taking a class starting next week and the coffee senario was just a made up example that came up in our talk. If there is an extended break in class, is it OK to do this or that? I told her, if she ends up with a long enough break, call me. I would be happy to meet her and hang out while she waits for class to start back up. Certainly if there is a 10 minute break and people are sitting in the school lounge and talking, that's not a huge issue. I cannot get it through her head that men will give attention/love to try to get sex.

I don't think I'm comfortable with OS friends that go beyond aquaintances for work or through your spouse. I wouldn't be comfortable with a one-on-one lunch or dinner, or meeting outside of work. If it's like the husband of your same sex friend, or friend of your husband, you really shouldn't have any need to be with that person one-on-one, except for rare brief cases.

Even meeting in mixed groups, I think you run into danger when it's say you and 3 or more of the OS. You are likely to get a lot of attention, and you're going to like it, and want to do that again, and it's going to hurt your marriage. It needs to be a good ratio.

And there should be complete transparency with your spouse about what goes on when you're with other people.

I'm having a difficult time understanding this.

She had an affair...she has experienced this firsthand.

Not to mention the fact that every female over the age of 16 is aware of this...or so I thought.

Just reading your words on a screen, it seems like she's playing dumb...faking being oblivious so she can proclaim "I didn't know!" if anything were to happen.

the coffee senario was just a made up example that came up in our talk. If there is an extended break in class, is it OK to do this or that?

My opinion: It's okay to sit with a gal during break. It's okay to sit with a guy *and other people* during break. It's NOT okay to sit with one guy during break.

Sure it's in a crowded area - but talk can turn from mundane to intimate even in a crowded area. Plus folks' perception could be wrong and she might get the "wrong" reputation. You could hear about it from someone and YOUR perception could be wrong, causing you undue stress and grief. It's just not worth the risk and potential pain. Either don't sit with the guy or invite a third party to join you. Period.

She is really clueless when it comes to this. She had a very sheltered childhood and is very naive when it comes to men. She does not think she looks good. She is thin and in good shape and very cute. When I tell her this, she rolls her eyes and comments that love is blind and I only feel this way because I am her husband, etc etc... She really has no idea to what length men will go to get into a womans pants. She just thinks, "Oh he's a nice guy. That's not what he wants."

CrushedJim, I don’t buy what your W is saying… If your W was not yet involved in an A and learned the hard way I would believe this, but since she had an A and as someone has said earlier, experienced it first hand, I can’t see how she can still have this mindset. She has obviously experienced pain because of the hurt she has caused you, herself and her M and she has learned the dangers… Therefore I honestly can’t see how she can still be so blind and can’t realize the inappropriateness of such type of interactions with the opposite sex and where it can lead to if not keeping strong and healthy boundaries...

I had a sheltered childhood myself and was very naive about men too, but after my online EA I’m definitely not the same in that regard. Actually I have moved to the other end of the scale e.g. I am suspicious and distrustful of any man who will even show the slightest sign of appearing too friendly even if he has said nothing wrong or inappropriate. I’m simply just “sensitized” to opposite sex interactions now because of my past emotional betrayal towards my H and I prefer it that way.

I was shocked to discover that my STBXWW was also so clueless about this, even after her A. 'A guy wouldn't say he loved you just to have sex with you, right?'