INDEPENDENT behavior is a LOVEBUSTER. I do not go to bars because my H doesn't like it, and because they are a BREEDING GROUND for adultery. I would not put myself in that position because I want to protect my marriage.

Temptation is greatly increased in bars because most of the folks don't have their spouses with them and are drinking, so their inhibitions are dropped. That is a recipe for disaster.

Hanging out in bars without your spouse is a BAD BOUNDARY that makes the marriage vulnerable to an affair. Even with coworkers. [perhaps more vulnerable with coworkers] I trust my H, but I rightly would not if he hung out in bars.

Then let her go. what's the debate about? You've already made up your mind.

You're in an infidelity forum, talking about how much independent behavior your spouse should be able to have. Obviously the answers here will err on the side of caution.

Ask the same question in a forum for current WS's, cheaters, and adulterers and you'll get the answer of "people should be able to make their own decisions, have a right for privacy, go out to the bar all the time, have as many friends of both sexes, etc...."


Chances are that the perfect scenario for how much independent behavior is healthy...you won't find in this forum, or the other type that I just mentioned....but somewhere in between.

This is EXACTLY how my WxH conducted his affair. I was usually invited to these "going away" functions. Until I wasn't. And neither was the OW's H.

It was going to be a quick beer, just a drop by so he can say he was there, then he'll be right home.

"Oh, sorry, honey, I just got caught up in chatting with xx (male). " "There weren't very many people there so I had to stay, it would have been too noticable if I left and I didnt' want them to feel bad."

Amazing what you will believe because you've never had reason to question before.

It'll snow on the equator before someone I'm in a relationship with leaves me alone for this type of thing again.

It's about not creating an opportunity for an A to begin/develop.

Fox

Being in a bar (having EN's met by "friends") instead of being glued to your spouses hip is what causes cheating.

Have you read anything on this site?

Affairs happen because of this kind of attitude. People who believe they are immune to affairs are always the ones WHO HAVE AFFAIRS because they don't have proper boundaries in place. They are vulnerable to affairs. If a spouse needs "space" from the other, that spells trouble in the marriage.

Would it make a difference if the same group of people meet in a home instead. What if they meet at a bar, but didn't drink alcohol? What exactly is the catalyst for the concern?

The bar...the alcohol...the "independent behavior".

You're still missing the point.

Have you read anything on this site?

Because the question was asked, and I thought a dissenting opinion was worth mentioning.

Yes I have, and I understand that independent behavior is a love buster. But going to work could be considered an independent bahavior too. Can a spouse do anything socially without the other spouse being present? How far does this go?

Dkd...have you been touched by infidelity that you know of? I know you and your wife are apart and I think you are living with your mom which I assume means you are relatively young.

With experience comes learning in some cases...infidelity being tops on the list in my opinion. I do appreciate the opinion...even a dissenting one. I do hope though that you can get a bit of wisdom from some of the posters here that have been down a rough road.

Why are you asking? Do you want to know what I would say to my W if she asked if she could go to the bar?...or, do you want to know what YOU should say?...because I can't answer for you.

I used to go to clubs without my DH.

I saw what it did to an old friend. I do not want that upon me. So I will only go with DH to a club, bar, pool hall. And vice versa. He has been asked to go out by male friends and he wont go unless I am going to be there or meet up with them after I get off of work. Which usually ends with a no we arent going unless your there from the start. He expects the same from me.

dkd, have you read any of the HArley material? Its not a dissenting opinion that you present, but more a matter of not understanding what constitutes a healthy marriage. Going to work couldn't possible be a lovebuster, that makes no sense. Work is a healthy actitivity that makes a positive contribution to the marriage. Hanging out in bars and fostering social relationships outside of the marriage does not.

Of course I've been reading through this site. The primary reason for being here is to better my marriage. The question posted in the thread was "do you think it's okay for a spouse to go to a bar without you?"

I responded with a yes. There are a couple of times that my spouse and I have gone out with friends without each other. Do we invite each other along? Yes.

Not something that happens too often but here's how I feel.

Yes, I can go.

No, she can't without me.

My spouse can do anything he wants. HE is a big boy and I am not his momma. He is not my poppadaddy. However, I DO NOT CHOOSE to do things that will harm my marriage because it is too valuable to me. Neither does he. I don't hang out in bars, I don't have social relationships outside of my marriage.

Our friends are OUR friends together. We do things together or we don't do them at all. I don't enjoy anyone's company as much as I enjoy HIS. I have numerous girlfriends who are married and we do stuff as a foursome.

I am 36, and I am at my mother's because of free rent. When my wife and I were married, I made the rule that neither one of us one ever be alone with someone of the opposite sex. My wife saw it as distrust, and never agreed with it. I broke that rule twice basically out of neccesity for work, and it upset my wife because it was my rule. My wife never did, unless you count her brother.

This tended to create more of an atmosphere of distrust then anything else. If my wife and I can manage to pull things together, I hope to develop a level of trust where we can be ok with our spouses going out with friends, but respect when the other spouse isn't comfortable. I hope to have a better level of honesty then before and be more involved with each other's lives.

I have learned alot from posters on here for sure. Infidelity isn't our problem, but the solution is pretty much the same as far as meeting needs and dropping LBs. And I feel like I've made progress. I am aware of how infidelity happens.

Yes you can go without her? If so why without her and she cant without you?

Affairs happen because of this kind of attitude. People who believe they are immune to affairs are always the ones WHO HAVE AFFAIRS because they don't have proper boundaries in place. They are vulnerable to affairs. If a spouse needs "space" from the other, that spells trouble in the marriage. [/quote]

I never implied that any marriage was affair proof. And aren't dictated boundaries different for different marriages? And I'm not sure if there was an implied that the other spouse needed "space" from the other spouse in this thread.

Because I've never done anything to lose that right.

I've been to plenty of bars throughout my marriage. Dart leagues, pool tournaments etc...I don't even speak with other women.

Why should that be taken from me because of her behavior?