Mr. W and I now BOTH have good boundaries...There are not one set for him and another set for me...That wouldn't be an equitable marriage...We BOTH want an equitable marriage...Our recreational companionship happens TOGETHER, and we wouldn't want it any other way...We don't do social things without each other...Why would we? Activities wouldn't be nearly as much fun without each other...

There are a few exceptions...like him golfing with his dad or me shopping with my mom or his mom...He does "daddy/daughter dates" with our dd8 and she and I do some "mother/daughter" stuff as well...Oh yeah, and I do do a women's Bible study...and sometimes he plays tennis with a male friend of his...I suck at tennis!

Mrs. W

Why would you place your marriage in that shaky situation in the first place? That makes no sense. Would you allow your 10 year old play chicken? Why would you play chicken with your marriage? You should not trust your spouse IF she has poor boundaries. It is blind trust like this, and a lack of boundaries that CAUSES AFFAIRS.

Here is what Dr Harley says about it:


Entire article: Coping with Infidelity: Part 2
How Should Affairs End?

I am sorry, but I am not following you.

A grown adult can observe any boundary he chooses. There is no LAW that mandates boundaries.

But you said that you have girlfriends that you hang out without your husband.

And I agree completely that you should not go outside of your marraige to get your needs meet, not with someone of the opposite sex. I said before that only acquantances IMO. I don't think going to HH means that you're looking to someone outside of your marriage to meet your needs. The same way going to the movies with your girlfriends doesn't violate that.

The issue at hand really is whether or not a bar is too tempting for a spouse. This was only brought up because someone said that a bar was completely useless, no purpose.

dkd,

Is there a certain reason for you to keep going on this subject? You say that you tried to tighten up on boundaries with your W, but then you broke your own rules? Now you are seperated? Could you be pressing the issue on this subject to try to justify you breaking your own boundary rules? Or is there another motive for you here?

dkd, do you differentiate between the 2 "risky" scenarios?

1. a social situation with couples that is attended by the married couple together

2. going to the bar to have a drink with your opposite sex coworker

Which do you think is more likely to lead to an affair? Which one should be avoided?

See, it is avoiding risky situations that ...............reduces risk. Folks that think they are immune to adultery are the ones who affairs, BECAUSE they have poor or no boundaries.

boundaries should be something that is along the lines of communication what you would want your partner to think about before doing. Questioning the moral character, and actions one does.

Lets use this question. Going to bar/club/etc. You should be doing social things with each other.
Going food shopping can be wtih each other or alone. Getting my nails done, hey if he wants to tag along and watch them so be it.

Family gathers, friends parties, bbq's *anythign social* the other should go along. I understand there are times where one might not want to join the other but then the one wanting to go should question themselves do they really have to go? Are they going to be missed if they dont go? Maybe find other avenues to do something that night with your spouse.

Example. My friend was going to have a passion party. One sales adult nature items. And well that night we found out there was going to be a stripper there as well. If the stripper wasnt going to be there then I would have gone. But there was a male being involved at a part that was geared towards females only. That is a boundary. If I had gone I would have stepped on a boundary that my husband expressed for me not to go to. Instead I think we went out to dinner that night and chilled as a family.

I don't trust my wife completely and she doesn't trust me, and that's why neither of us have ever had an affair. Lack of trust does not make spouses paranoid and miserable, it makes their marriages safe.


I'm sorry, but I can't buy that. I understand trust can be broken. But, to ME, I gotta TRUST my wife, or the person I will marry. If I think, FOR ONE MINUTE, that my future wife cannot be trusted, uhhh....she doesn't become my PRESENT wife.

Again, if it works for your marriage, thats fine. You have two people with the same outlook on trust in a marriage. But, for me, no trust, no marriage.

And yes, in SOME marriages, lack of trust makes spouses paranoid and miserable....I know this FOR A FACT.

huh? WHERE?

dkd, what kind of shape is your own marriage in?

I'm also seeing that "going to a bar" means ENTIRELY different things to different people. Going for a drink, one on one, with a person of the opposite sex, is very, very risky, thats without question.

BLIND TRUST leads to affairs. It is not lack of TRUST that destroys marriages, but LACK OF BOUNDARIES. Think about that for a minute.

A spouse has lack of trust and paranoia as a RESULT of poor boundaries. Spouses do not feel paranoid unless there is usually a good reason.

And I'm talking about trusting your spouses choices in bounderies.

My wife, going out with girlfriends from highschool for dinner and drinks, WITHOUT ME OR OTHER HUSBANDS, is WAAAAAY DIFFERENT, to me now, then her going solo, with a guy, to a dark bar to pound some down.

I think its GREAT that you and your husband do everything together. My wife doesn stuff on her own, shes ALWAYS (3O YEARS) has. But stuff on her own means once a month or two. Male "friends" have NEVER been a part of her life. Acquaintences, associates, but not going our after work stuff. Never. So its easy for me to trust.
Our marital problems start with ME, not her.

Again, all you guys that disagree with my thinking here, I understand what your saying, our life experiences cause us to look at things differently.

How's your marriage, gabapool?

Absolutely not. I stay at this because I like to argue. The two times I broke the rule is when I went at lunch to help setup a router at a coworkers house. That was stupid of me, but nothing happened and made sure my wife knew everything even though I figured she'd be upset. The other time was while traveling and having a breakfast at a hotel, a female coworker sat down where I was sitting and I didn't make her leave or get up myself.

Something separate that I am uncomfortable with is contact with someone of the oppisite sex through the interent or texting or something. That should not be allowed. I have had issues with that boundary in the past and won't make that mistake again. It is not innocent.

I have a friend who DOES NOTHING without his wife, but one time a year, he goes to the superbowl party with his friends. He maybe goes out 2-3 times a year. She's jealous of EVERYTHING AND ANYTHING. If she isn't plastered to his side, she pouts and makes his life miserable, and THIS GUY IS A SAINT. He loves her dearly, but she ALMOST drove his butt away. He's just an unbelievable good guy, she is.......well, hard to live with, lets put it that way.

I don't think a person thinks they are immune BECAUSE of their bad boundries. They think they are immune because of what they perceive are their good morals.

At the end of the day it's their morals that fail them.

I think I'm immune because of my morals, regardless of my boundries.

Maybe the two coincide in some ways as MEDC implied with his jetski analogy?

I never ever said that situation 2 was acceptable. It isn't. The situation I was refering to was same sex or mixed group. Even if mixed, the ratio needs to be more same sex then opposite IMO.

What I heard was that a bar was a bad place to be unless your spouse was present under any circumstances. I disagree with that in all cases.

Melody

I've let my feelings be known on this thread. I am sure about what I say, about MYSELF.

My marriage, is in shambles. I've been looking for evidence of an affair for over a year now, but I have found none. I've used EVERYTHING but a recorder. Keylogger, cell phone records, PI, everything. My marriage, and in turn, my life have disintegrated because of ME, not her.