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I have a friend who DOES NOTHING without his wife, but one time a year, he goes to the superbowl party with his friends. He maybe goes out 2-3 times a year. She's jealous of EVERYTHING AND ANYTHING. If she isn't plastered to his side, she pouts and makes his life miserable, and THIS GUY IS A SAINT. He loves her dearly, but she ALMOST drove his butt away. He's just an unbelievable good guy, she is.......well, hard to live with, lets put it that way. Actually he DOES DO things without his wife and does so even though he knows it makes her miserable. Sounds like a real thoughtful fella. :RollieEyes: If she is "jealous" why would he do things to aggravate it, instead of doing things to help her relax? That is NOT a sign of loving husband.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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And yes, in SOME marriages, lack of trust makes spouses paranoid and miserable....I know this FOR A FACT. A spouse has lack of trust and paranoia as a RESULT of poor boundaries. Spouses do not feel paranoid unless there is usually a good reason. I don't disagree with that either. If I was uncomfortable with my wife going to a particular place or with a particular group, I would tell her and she should listen and respect that.
Me 38
Divorced 8/09
DS 10,6
DD 4
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Sorry
We disagree. I KNOW him, you don't. If a woman says hi to him in a store, she stews. He's a fireman. He saved a woman once. Made the paper. She was young and attractive. She gave him hell. Help her deal with it? Nope. Xanax couldn't do it. The problem is hers. Simply the fact that he can BREATH on his own is reason for her to feel unappreciated. And if that firefighting story can't get that message across, I don't know what can.
He has nothing to apoligize for. And he IS thoughtful. His only mistake is mistaking SMOTHERING for love.
The problem is with HER, NOT HIM. EVER.
Last edited by gabagool; 08/26/08 04:18 PM.
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dkd, do you differentiate between the 2 "risky" scenarios?
1. a social situation with couples that is attended by the married couple together
2. going to the bar to have a drink with your opposite sex coworker
Which do you think is more likely to lead to an affair? Which one should be avoided? I never ever said that situation 2 was acceptable. It isn't. The situation I was refering to was same sex or mixed group. Even if mixed, the ratio needs to be more same sex then opposite IMO. What I heard was that a bar was a bad place to be unless your spouse was present under any circumstances. I disagree with that in all cases. What I was responding to was your post that basically defined all actions EQUALLY as RISK: "You are never going to eliminate all risk of an affair, and you should avoid high risk situations whenever possible. Heck when you get married, you're at risk of an affair. " Maybe I misunderstood you, but it seemed like you were lumping getting married in the same basket there, which makes no sense.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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No, I wasn't saying they were equal at all. Point was that there is always some risk, the question is how much risk is acceptable. It doesn't seem practical that your spouse would never leave your side, so there has to be some level of risk.
Last edited by dkd; 08/26/08 04:25 PM.
Me 38
Divorced 8/09
DS 10,6
DD 4
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Sorry
We disagree. I KNOW him, you don't. If a woman says hi to him in a store, she stews. He's a fireman. He saved a woman once. Made the paper. She was young and attractive. She gave him hell.
He has nothing to apoligize for. And he IS thoughtful. His only mistake is mistaking SMOTHERING for love.
The problem is with HER, NOT HIM. EVER. So you think that going out 2-3 times a year and going to a superbowl party help that situation? Does that make her LESS JEALOUS? Is that a thoughtful thing to do to a woman is probably INSANE? Or are you saying she is NUTS? If she is just insane, he should get her mental help. But I don't see how its "thoughtful" to go out several times a year if you know your wife is insanely jealous. How would that possibly HELP the situation?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Melody
Thats three times A YEAR. We are on different planets here. If this view of marriage works for you, great. You've got more than me. But what your describing is a jail sentance, not a marriage. A marriage should ADD to your life, not BECOME your life.
Good night everyone.
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ok, call me a silly dumb broad, but if my husband is insecure and jealous and possessive, what makes more sense:
a. go out several times a year without him - talk about him like he's a raving nutjob to my friends..
b. always attend social functions together and check in with him several times a day to calm down his insecurities - do everything I can think of to assure his peace of mind
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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c. Get him in therapy.
Also, no one said anything about talking about him being a raving nut job to their friends.
Last edited by iam; 08/26/08 04:49 PM. Reason: addition
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ok, call me a silly dumb broad, but if my husband is insecure and jealous and possessive, what makes more sense:
a. go out several times a year without him - talk about him like he's a raving nutjob to my friends..
b. always attend social functions together and check in with him several times a day to calm down his insecurities - do everything I can think of to assure his peace of mind RIGHT B...VERY OBVIOUSLY B!!! Gabagool... It sounds as though your friends hold a very adversarial view of marriage...Rather than believing that marriage is a relationship of EXTRAORDINARY CARE...It is a TEAM effort...That shift in perspective is HUGE... Couples must view their marriage as something to be valued and protected, TOGETHER... Mrs. W
FWW ~ 47 ~ MeFBH ~ 50 ~ MrWonderingDD ~ 17 Dday ~ 2005 ~ Recovered
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Further gabagool the fact that you even KNOW this is an existing problem in their marriage is a problem...Your friend shouldn't be talking negatively about his wife to you...That tells me he views her as an adversary...
Mrs. W
FWW ~ 47 ~ MeFBH ~ 50 ~ MrWonderingDD ~ 17 Dday ~ 2005 ~ Recovered
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And yes, in SOME marriages, lack of trust makes spouses paranoid and miserable....I know this FOR A FACT. A spouse has lack of trust and paranoia as a RESULT of poor boundaries. Spouses do not feel paranoid unless there is usually a good reason. I have a friend who DOES NOTHING without his wife, but one time a year, he goes to the superbowl party with his friends. He maybe goes out 2-3 times a year. She's jealous of EVERYTHING AND ANYTHING. If she isn't plastered to his side, she pouts and makes his life miserable, and THIS GUY IS A SAINT. He loves her dearly, but she ALMOST drove his butt away. He's just an unbelievable good guy, she is.......well, hard to live with, lets put it that way. This is exactly how my W was, before she went wayward. I would only go out a handful of times with my male friends...when I did, she'd be as cold as ice toward me for going out with them. I thought a good way to make her feel like she mattered too was for her to go out with her friends more, so whe didn't feel like it was all so one-sided. Then she had an affair.
"Rather than love, than money, than fame, give me truth"
Henry David Thoreau
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For me, its simply the point that you expose your M to a greater risk of an affair if your spouse goes to bars without you. Doesn't mean they will have an A, just means there is a greater risk. The more times they do it, the greater your exposure to that risk.
After that, each person has to decide what there own risk tolerence level is. Most BS's have a zero (or practically zero) risk tolerence level. Others probably have higher ones. If one thinks the benefits (allowing there spouse to have their own space, or own friends, etc.) is worth more than the risk, then let them go to bars by themselves.
My only other comment is when considering those benefits, don't just weigh them against the probabilities that they will have an A, but also against the magnitude of the impact of an A. This is what I think many people miss.
In the lottery, every one knows their chances of winning are incredibly small, but the payout is so big its worth the dollar spent.
It's the reverse when you think about whether you are okay with your spouse going to a bar without you. They give you a dollar (happy about their free time, etc.) and one views it as a good deal since the probability of anything "bad" happening is so small. But if your "number" hits, even if you've collected thousands of those "dollars", you aren't going to be to happy about it.
Me 43 BH
MT 43 WW
Married 20 years, No Kids, 2 Difficult Cats
D-day July, 2005
4.5 False Recoveries
Me - recovered
The M - recovered
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c. Get him in therapy.
Also, no one said anything about talking about him being a raving nut job to their friends. That is how gaba has described his friends wife. He would not know unless his friend told him this.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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c. Get him in therapy.
Also, no one said anything about talking about him being a raving nut job to their friends. That is how gaba has described his friends wife. He would not know unless his friend told him this. This is how I interpreted his comments as well.
"Rather than love, than money, than fame, give me truth"
Henry David Thoreau
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ok, call me a silly dumb broad Is this some kind of trick. Is there a high powered rifle sighted on me or something. 
Me 43 BH
MT 43 WW
Married 20 years, No Kids, 2 Difficult Cats
D-day July, 2005
4.5 False Recoveries
Me - recovered
The M - recovered
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c. Get him in therapy.
Also, no one said anything about talking about him being a raving nut job to their friends. That is how gaba has described his friends wife. He would not know unless his friend told him this. That does not mean he was told that. Why not give him the benefit of doubt and wait for him to tell you this before assuming it?
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For me, its simply the point that you expose your M to a greater risk of an affair if your spouse goes to bars without you. Doesn't mean they will have an A, just means there is a greater risk. The more times they do it, the greater your exposure to that risk. There is another aspect to all this that I think some who have not experienced a truly GREAT MARRIAGE are missing. I did not understand it until I experienced it myself. My husband and I are extremely CLOSE and thoroughly enjoy each others company. Sharing our leisure time with others would be an interference in that. I would not ENJOY going out with girlfriends or having a parallel life. There is NO ONE whose company I enjoy more than his. We LOVE being together. Dr. Harley says that in a great marriage, your spouse is your greatest source of happiness, and that is how it is for me. So when gabapool says being with your spouse all the time is like a "prison sentence," he is describing a BAD MARRIAGE, not a marriage that is good.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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That does not mean he was told that. Why not give him the benefit of doubt and wait for him to tell you this before assuming it? Well, unless he is psychic or the wife goes around telling people she is a "jealous nut," then I think common sense dictates the friend told him.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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ok, call me a silly dumb broad Is this some kind of trick. Is there a high powered rifle sighted on me or something. you do it and you die, mister!! 
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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