My "F"WS is a stbx - so the "F" refers to spouse status rather than "W" status, so yes he can go to an exotic strip club for all I care.

I believe I mentioned that things would be a lot different for a (F)WS than in marriage not affected by adultery.

As to the poster who said they can go to bars as a BS but their WS cannot, I don't see a problem with this - especially if the A was associated with bars of any kind. Sorry, but this is just one of the consequences of infidelity. This could even apply to the coworkers-last-day-send-off scenario where nobody's spouses show up or would ever want to (probably the least threating of all the bar situations).

And for those WS's who managed to have A's in the types of bars I considered to be nonthreatening, shame on you. You would probably have an A at the grocery store. Honestly, I see very little difference in my experience. It's your personal boundaries that are wrong here. It's not the bar's fault.

The M and kids should be the bulk of that, but think back to who you were before you got married. You had likes, dislikes, interests, hobbies, friends...a life. If you throw that all away for your insular family, you are no longer who you were when you got married. And didn't you marry that person because of who they are?

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The Policy of Undivided Attention:
Give your spouse your undivided attention a minimum of fifteen hours each week, using the time to meet his or her most important emotional needs. This policy will help you avoid one of the most common mistakes -- neglecting each other after marriage.

Dr. Harley: But you may have made the mistake of doing whatever the one with the greatest need for recreational companionship wanted to do. That's what happened to my wife, Joyce, and me. She was willing to join me in all of the recreational activities I liked most -- right up to the day we were married. But after marriage, she announced that she would only be joining me in activities that she also enjoyed. And it turned out that she shared very few of my recreational interests.

Most couples whose marriages begin the way mine did make a crucial mistake -- they go their separate ways. He joins his friends in recreational activities he enjoys most and leaves his wife to find her own recreational companions for activities that interest her. That's a formula for marital disaster.. If someone else of the opposite sex joins either of you in your favorite recreational activities, you are at risk to fall in love with that person. Besides, if you are not together when you are enjoying yourselves the most, you are squandering an opportunity to deposit love units.

Fortunately, Joyce and I took the path that led to marital fulfillment. We exchanged activities that only I enjoyed for new activities that we both enjoyed. We remained each other's favorite recreational companions after marriage even though most of our recreational activities changed. And it's a good thing, because recreational companionship is definitely one of my most important emotional needs.

And I would again state that I am not my H's momma and he is not my daddy. I can go do whatever the he11 I want anytime I want. I am a big girl. But what I want most is a happy, thriving marriage, because that brings me the greatest happiness and contentedness. The quality of my life is directly linked to my marriage. My marriage brings me the greatest happiness, so I make it a priority and it repays me 1000 fold.

I get the GREATEST return on my investment by investing in my marriage. Much, much more than I ever would in hanging out in bars or fostering a separate social life. I am a ROI kinda gal.

In order to continue reaping the benefits of a great marriage that brings me enormous happiness, I am more than anxious to continue making investments in my marriage. BUT...I lose money on my investment when I NEGLECT or IGNORE my marriage and pay more attention to my girlfriends or any other singular activity.

See how it works?

p.s. regarding going to the GYM. I stopped going to the gym and working with a personal trainer because it made my H very unhappy. I have a gym at HOME now and he is fine with that.

Your husband probably loves you more than you can ever imagine. While it's true that his demanding and controlling tendencies are driving you nuts, he does it because he has no reason not to do it. It works for him, so why should he stop? Besides, he probably doesn't think he's at all controlling. He probably thinks he is protecting you.

You probably have put up with his controlling ways over the years because you felt that if you left him, you might not survive. So you have allowed all the love units to be drained from your Love Bank until there are none left. If you wait much longer, he'll be so far in the red that you'll hate the man. When you were first married, your husband met many of your emotional needs and deposited enough love units for you to fall in love. That's why you agreed to marry him. But, over the years, he has not tried as hard to meet your needs, particularly your need for affection, and that has lowered his account balance in your Love Bank....

Then there is his loud and controlling behavior: That has drained your Love Bank of all the rest of the love units that were once there. He has not learned how to make decisions that take your feelings into account and that makes you feel miserable. Whenever he forces you into a decision, instead of reaching one through mutual agreement, love units are withdrawn from your Love Bank. He gets his way, but at the expense of your love for him.

The reason that you feel you need space to be your own person is because of the way your husband makes decisions. Who wants to be married to a dictator! When you were in love with him, you would have gladly made mutually agreeable decisions, because you felt emotionally connected to him. But now he feels like a stranger to you, and all you want is to get away from your jailer once and for all. Your relationship with your husband has become so unfulfilling to you that even the idea of mutual agreement may be unappealing to you -- you simply don't want to deal with the man anymore.

To be honest with you, if your husband encouraged you to spend evenings with your friends, he'd never see you. If he agreed to support you so that you could attend school, when your education would be completed, you'd leave him. In fact, the reason you may have stayed with him this long may be due to how difficult it would be supporting yourself on the income you are presently making. To some extent, he may be aware of how you are slipping away from him, and in his desperation, he may become even more demanding and controlling. [Thank goodness, cat, he's not doing this part, right?]

I know you have tried to tell him how you feel in the past, and he doesn't seem to listen. But I suggest you do it one more time. This time go to him with a plan.

You mentioned that you gave him a self-help book once before, and his enthusiasm with the chapter on sex turned you off. Well, my book, Fall in Love, Stay in Love, also emphasizes sex, but it's in the context of a host of other factors that come together to make sex very appealing. The book will help you learn to negotiate without being demanding or selfish. I show you how to make decisions without trying to control each other. It also shows you how to overcome Love Busters, such as selfish demands, disrespectful judgments, and angry outbursts. These destructive habits have just about ended your marriage, but if you can eliminate them now, you may be able to save it.

And, it also explains how time for undivided attention with affection and intimate conversation is a prerequisite for sexual fulfillment -- especially for women. By the time you have learned to negotiate with ease, have overcome Love Busters, and have created a romantic relationship, you won't need any help with sexual fulfillment.

Your husband wants you to be happy living with him. I guarantee it. And he is probably aware of his failure. But he doesn't know what to do about it. He doesn't know how to talk to you about your conflicts, and he can see you drifting away from him. Fall in Love, Stay in Love will teach him how to discuss conflicts with you without being controlling, and it will teach him how to make you happy. After you've both learned its lessons, you'll find a much greater willingness on his part to help you finish school, to develop new interests, and to expand your horizons. But it will be done without the threat of you leaving him. Instead, he will be involved with you in your development, not as a controlling husband, but as an interested lover.

Granted, if there was a sense of distrust among us, this wouldn't be happening. Affairage has just never been an issue with us. When girls hit on him, he comes home and tells me about it, or calls me from the bar (with a client; he doesn't drink) to laugh about it. So I can see how everyone here would have a different take on the subject; I'm just presenting mine.

You're probably right, for most people. I think my opinion is skewed by the fact that my H would just as soon never see another person in the world except me and D17. He wants to do everything together, even if it's just driving to the drugstore and back. So it's hard for me to be joyful at the aspect of spending every waking moment with my H, when that's mostly what I already get, and if I say I want to have lunch with a friend I haven't seen in 6 months, his response is "Why?"

When girls hit on him, he comes home and tells me about it, or calls me from the bar (with a client; he doesn't drink) to laugh about it. So I can see how everyone here would have a different take on the subject; I'm just presenting mine.

PM, Dr Harley would tell you not to spend time apart like that. It is a recipe for an affair. It is hard on even the BEST marriages. Many, many people here have changed their lives to either quit travel or begin traveling with their spouses.