|
|
Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 224
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 224 |
NN,
I am the FWW of MyRev. He asked me to read your thread and asked if I could maybe somehow give you some perspective--I'll do my best!
I haven't focused as much on who I used to be as much as I have what we had together. I guess I should make myself the man she fell in love with rather than dwelling on what we used to have. I guess that is why everybody tells me to take care of myself and show her I am independent.
PLEASE--re-read that entire paragraph AGAIN AND AGAIN! She DID fall in love with you once--what were you like then? I'll bet you were fun, confident,a good conversationalist, etc. What do you think happened Pre-A to make you change? Did you just get in a rut, get complacent, or even have a major life upheaval?
In our situation, we got in a rut and basically stopped "dating". It wasn't intentional, but we would find ourselves just sitting around in the evenings, not doing anything other than complaining what was on TV (when some basketball game wasn't on!!) and sharing a cocktail and b1tching about our day. A couple of years ago, MyRev started having AO's regularly. Granted, they weren't really directed at me, but I was the one who got to witness and experience them. I would try to talk to him about them, but wasn't really getting anywhere. (I was and still sometimes am the ultimate conflict avoider--how I wish I had found this site 2 years ago!!) So it got to the point where I would just detach myself from him when these AO's happened. Instead of just confronting him like I should have, I just let him rant about something, while I would withdraw into my shell. I didn't even realize how much I had EMOTIONALLY distanced myself from him until after my A. After his blowups (from which he usually did recover quickly and would move on), he would then try to gain my attention, and ask for affection, not realizing that watching these AO's was a turn-off for me, and the more I would withdraw, the more he would demand/ask for attention/affection/SF. Get my drift?? It became a vicious circle. His neediness was NOT attractive--where was my confident, cocky, independent MR???
Post A, MR had his revelation. I could sense an IMMEDIATE change in him that evening--I was seeing the guy that I had fallen in love with all of those years ago!! He had a gleam in his eye, the swagger was back, the confidence was there--all of the things that I found and still find super sexy!! It makes me sick to this day that it took the horrible thing that I did to change him this way. I hurt him like no one else has ever hurt him--and that is something that I have to live with for the rest of my life. I am so blessed that he has chosen to stay and work on our marriage--which I must say is a darned good one! We are still recovering, and have ups and downs, but the ups are much more frequent than the downs. We now know what EN's are, LB's, etc., and we are taking extraordinary CARE with our marriage now.
Sorry for the ramble, but when I think of things to say, I have to get them out! I don't post here often, but read every other day or so.
NN--my main point is this--become again the guy that she fell in love with. Think hard--what was he like? How have you changed? What can you do differently now? You can only change you--no one else. And please--I am in NO WAY blaming you for her affair. She has to take complete and utter responsibility for that. Once that is done and she is committed to recovery, you are only responsible for your half of the marriage--she is responsible for the other half. If she is committed, I GUARANTEE you that if you act with confidence, independence, and a purpose in life, she will notice!! Stand up for yourself and your marriage. Take it from a woman--no man is attractive that whines, acts wishy-washy, or begs for attention. Stand tall, act with confidence, act happy (even if you're not all of the time!), and actually BECOME the man that can and will make it and be a better person--with or without her.
As for your compliments of her--sounds like you need to tone them down--she is having a hard time adjusting to the "new you". She may very well think you are just doing this for SF. Break her in gently with these compliments, don't give them TOO often and she'll come to expect and appreciate them in the future!!
Best of luck, NN! I hope that something that I have said helps you in some small way. Thank you for the post FogFree. We did get in a rut. After our first daughter was born we pretty much quit dating. And from there the neglect just continued. We have been over this and over this and I understand, and have taken responsibility for my part in getting our M to this point. She sees how we got here too. She just doesn't think we can get back. I did my best last night and this morning to not act needy and be independent. There were a couple times when I wanted her attention and it was hard not to act needy. That is a good word, I have done a lot of that. I know I acted needy before the A and after the A I have also. I never really thought about how she perceived that. This morning I told her I was leaving. Normally at this time I would follow her and want a kiss goodbye. She is busy running around in the morning and this usually bothers her if I want more than just a peck. I said I’m leaving and she didn’t come to me, she was just a few feet from me, so I just walked away and got my things together. I’m not going to beg for a kiss goodbye anymore. She followed me to the kitchen and gave me a nice kiss. This is a small thing but I need that from her so bad, but I’m not going to make a big deal and beg and whine about this anymore. I have been doing a lot of thinking about who I was back when we met and got married. Some things have changed in our lives but with that I have also changed. I have some work to do on myself now but I will get back to who I used to be. Weather or not my wife is really going to "try" as she said she would, I'm moving forward. Obviously what I had been doing wasn't working. I will continue to meet her EN but I am going to do it as the man I was 8 years ago when we got married. Thanks again for the post, it gives me another perspective.
Me 36
FWW 34
Married 9 years
2 Children 8 and 4 years
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Aug 2007
Posts: 100
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Aug 2007
Posts: 100 |
[quote=Noname2 We did get in a rut. After our first daughter was born we pretty much quit dating. And from there the neglect just continued. We have been over this and over this and I understand, and have taken responsibility for my part in getting our M to this point. She sees how we got here too. She just doesn't think we can get back. Be the NN she fell in love with, and SHOW her that you can get it back.This morning I told her I was leaving. Normally at this time I would follow her and want a kiss goodbye. She is busy running around in the morning and this usually bothers her if I want more than just a peck. I said I’m leaving and she didn’t come to me, she was just a few feet from me, so I just walked away and got my things together. I’m not going to beg for a kiss goodbye anymore. She followed me to the kitchen and gave me a nice kiss. This is a small thing but I need that from her so bad, but I’m not going to make a big deal and beg and whine about this anymore.
GREAT JOB! Make her wonder why you are acting that way. She's probably flummoxed right now as to why you didn't insist on a good-bye kiss.I have been doing a lot of thinking about who I was back when we met and got married. Some things have changed in our lives but with that I have also changed. I have some work to do on myself now but I will get back to who I used to be. Glad to hear this! Keep working on yourself. Weather or not my wife is really going to "try" as she said she would, I'm moving forward. Obviously what I had been doing wasn't working. I will continue to meet her EN but I am going to do it as the man I was 8 years ago when we got married. PERFECT! Sounds like you are "getting it"!! Thanks again for the post, it gives me another perspective. You are welcome!  [/quote]
BTW, even though I have been a member for a year now, MR gave me a hard time last night (jokingly and lovingly!) about how I STILL can't use the quote thing correctly!! 
Last edited by FogFree; 08/27/08 08:04 AM.
FWW me 43
BH 48
DSD 29
DSS 24
DGD 9
DGS 5
M 4/22/95
DDay 7/25/07
NC 7/26/07 broken on 7/30/07--NC since
Email: myrevfogfree@yahoo.com
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 224
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 224 |
BTW, even though I have been a member for a year now, MR gave me a hard time last night (jokingly and lovingly!) about how I STILL can't use the quote thing correctly!! That's funny. I got it all anyways. Thanks
Me 36
FWW 34
Married 9 years
2 Children 8 and 4 years
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Aug 2007
Posts: 1,414
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Aug 2007
Posts: 1,414 |
NoName,
You just got a little insight into how your WW is probably perceiving your behavior.
I think you did GREAT with the "kiss goodbye" scenario. That was straight out of the 180 ... you DO NOT initiate kisses, I Love You's, physical contact. If she is serious about R, then she needs to initiate those contacts.
Remember ACTIONS speak much louder than WORDS coming from a wayward, and to her credit, she showed some good ACTIONS this morning.
Now is the time to evaluate what has worked, and what has NOT. When you remain strong and follow the plan, you seem to advance, but when you regress into old "proven" bad behaviors (i.e. neediness), then your situtation suffers.
My guess is you are feeling "better" this morning ... keep it up ... and don't forget what got you that "feeling".
REMAIN STRONG IN YOUR RESOLVE!!!
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Aug 2007
Posts: 1,414
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Aug 2007
Posts: 1,414 |
Also, you have luckily stumbled into an untapped MB resource in FogFree. She rarely posts, and doesn't particularly like to, but she has a ton of GOLDEN information to share if you will just continue reaching out to her for the WW perspective that none of us BH's can quite understand on our own.
I hate what FogFree did that brought us to MBland, but I'm very PROUD of her NOW. JustLearning has helped me a lot in getting over the initial denial, confusion, and anger of discovery, by beating into my head that the true measure of a persons character is how they react AFTER they've made a major life mistake. With that definition, I'll put FogFree up against any FWW posting here at MB (and that is not intended to discredit any other FWW, just show my appreciation for my own).
She has become the poster girl for (EP) extrordinary precautions.
You may want to click on each of our usernames and pull up our old posts and read of our story ... I think you will find a lot of similarities in the initial circumstances that labelled us as BH's and our wives as WW's. It's not that we did everything perfect ... we didn't ... but hopefully you can learn from what we did RIGHT and WRONG and be better prepared for what you will encounter.
Good Luck ... it feels like the tide may be turning for you.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 224
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 224 |
Also, you have luckily stumbled into an untapped MB resource in FogFree. She rarely posts, and doesn't particularly like to, but she has a ton of GOLDEN information to share if you will just continue reaching out to her for the WW perspective that none of us BH's can quite understand on our own.
I hate what FogFree did that brought us to MBland, but I'm very PROUD of her NOW. JustLearning has helped me a lot in getting over the initial denial, confusion, and anger of discovery, by beating into my head that the true measure of a persons character is how they react AFTER they've made a major life mistake. With that definition, I'll put FogFree up against any FWW posting here at MB (and that is not intended to discredit any other FWW, just show my appreciation for my own).
She has become the poster girl for (EP) extrordinary precautions.
You may want to click on each of our usernames and pull up our old posts and read of our story ... I think you will find a lot of similarities in the initial circumstances that labelled us as BH's and our wives as WW's. It's not that we did everything perfect ... we didn't ... but hopefully you can learn from what we did RIGHT and WRONG and be better prepared for what you will encounter.
Good Luck ... it feels like the tide may be turning for you. I glanced at your story when you first started posting. After hearing a little more now I will read up on them. You seem to have done some of the same things I am doing so I think I can learn from your story. I will continue to reach out to FogFree when need be. Hopefully she will continue to help. I do feel better now. The fact that I have a plan and am following it sure makes things seem better.
Me 36
FWW 34
Married 9 years
2 Children 8 and 4 years
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Aug 2007
Posts: 100
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Aug 2007
Posts: 100 |
Thanks for the kudos, MR!!  NN, Something that I just thought of on EN's--has your wife asked you in the past to do something with her that to you was insignificant or boring and you turned her down?? If so, that was a LB without you even knowing it. Case in point: Pre-A, I used to ask MR to go with me to the grocery store, Target, etc., and he would have this look of total boredom or look at me and grimace and say, "Nah, I'll just stay here". The thing is, I WANTED him to go with me, even if it seemed mundane to him. I wanted to spend time with him, even if it meant meandering in the aisles of a store. I love to shop, and he abhors it. He felt like I was pressuring him to shop, when in reality, I just wanted to be around him and have him accompany me on everday tasks. He misread my intentions--he felt that I was wanting him to do a CHORE, and I was just wanting some attention from him and time with him. Total lack of communication on my part of what I was really looking for. Fast forward to last night--we needed some items from Sam's Club, and I had mentioned the night before that I would like to go there if it was raining on Tuesday, and we couldn't do the outdoor chores that we had planned. When he got home last night, he ASKED me if we were going to Sam's! I said, "if you really don't want to, I can go there on Thursday when I'm working in that area". He said that he didn't mind to go, he had nothing else planned, and so we hopped in the car and drove the 30 minutes to the nearest store. We spent that time just talking about our day, plans for the weekend, what we were going to buy, etc. I told him that his attitude about going with me was SEXY and much appreciated!! While some women may shake their heads and scoff, his going with me was a HUGE deposit in my Love Bank. It might seem insignificant to some, but to me it was wonderful! We have learned to communicate so much better after finding MB. We have talked about the importance of spending time with each other whether it's something that I want to do or he wants to do. The main thing is that we do these tasks TOGETHER. We MAKE them fun!! He understands now that going to the store with me is really no big deal--if he's good, I might buy him a toy!! My point is this--little things that you do for her or with her add up to mountains of deposits in your love bank. Think about some little things that she has asked you to do or do with her in the past. If you have ignored her or rejected her on some of these, she may have some resentment. A lot of things that we complicated women want are little tokens of attention, admiration and appreciation. Just wanted to throw in another .02.
FWW me 43
BH 48
DSD 29
DSS 24
DGD 9
DGS 5
M 4/22/95
DDay 7/25/07
NC 7/26/07 broken on 7/30/07--NC since
Email: myrevfogfree@yahoo.com
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 224
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 224 |
In the past she would ask me to do all sorts of things we used to do together. Weather it was shopping for clothes or going to a movie or golfing, just anything we used to do and I always turned her down. I realize now what my rejections did to her. She does have a lot of resentement towards me now. I sent her an email awhile back with some suggestions on how we could spend more time together. She responded by asking me where I copied it from, and then saying that she wanted all that before, and now she doesn't know if she can forgive me for not giving it to her when she wanted it. I responded by telling her I didn't copy it from anywhere, it is some of what I have learned through this.
I have a lot of work to do to prove to her that I have changed and I won't neglect my marriage again. I hope in time she sees my changes as genuine and will accept them.
This weekend we will be at her parents cabin. She has always asked me to go for a walk with her in the morning or at night when we are there and I would say no. Now I want to go with her. I see that walk as a time when we can get away and have some time together to talk and just goof around and I know how much she wants that.
Me 36
FWW 34
Married 9 years
2 Children 8 and 4 years
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Aug 2007
Posts: 1,414
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Aug 2007
Posts: 1,414 |
This weekend we will be at her parents cabin. She has always asked me to go for a walk with her in the morning or at night when we are there and I would say no. Now I want to go with her. I see that walk as a time when we can get away and have some time together to talk and just goof around and I know how much she wants that. PERFECT OPPORTUNITY!!! We also have a small cabin that we use as our "get away place" and it has been invaluable to us during this period. It's such a change of pace ... it almost gives you a "reset button" for a few days. FF, Given that NN has a couple of days to plan something ... what would you suggest that he could do (nothing too "over the top" at this point) to make some quality deposits into Mrs.NN's bank? Like with the "goodbye kiss" this morning ... I think it would be best for NN to just set up the situation and let his WW make the first move, but you're VERY good at this kind of stuff. Maybe you could make a suggestion or two for him to set the stage in the next couple of days while they're still at home and then possibly she would be more receptive when they can get away this weekend.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 224
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 224 |
FF,
Given that NN has a couple of days to plan something ... what would you suggest that he could do (nothing too "over the top" at this point) to make some quality deposits into Mrs.NN's bank?
Like with the "goodbye kiss" this morning ... I think it would be best for NN to just set up the situation and let his WW make the first move, but you're VERY good at this kind of stuff. Maybe you could make a suggestion or two for him to set the stage in the next couple of days while they're still at home and then possibly she would be more receptive when they can get away this weekend. I have already asked her if she wants to get away and golf one day. We can leave our girls with her parents at the cabin. We are planning on golfing in the morning and then getting lunch at a bar/grill in town. I figure after we eat we will hang out and play some games and have a couple drinks. We have the rest of the weekend without plans though.
Me 36
FWW 34
Married 9 years
2 Children 8 and 4 years
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Aug 2007
Posts: 100
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Aug 2007
Posts: 100 |
NN, You are doing great! The golf outing is a terrific idea, and so is the lunch afterward. You said that she loves to take walks--I'm still pondering if you should suggest one--might be too pushy and she may wonder what alien has taken over your body! Let me think on that one. Keep being positive, independent,happy, non-clingy, non-needy, and non-whiny. Obviously, she responded to that attitude this morning with the kiss! Just don't try TOO hard or it will come across as fake. Be as natural as you can be. It may take her awhile to come around, so you have to be patient. I know it is hard, but you can do this!!! The cabin getaway this weekend will be wonderful for both of you. Watch her actions and get a feel for how your attitude is affecting those actions. You may get a pleasant surprise. Give me a few to think on how to suggest doing things together without being too obvious and aggressive about it.
FWW me 43
BH 48
DSD 29
DSS 24
DGD 9
DGS 5
M 4/22/95
DDay 7/25/07
NC 7/26/07 broken on 7/30/07--NC since
Email: myrevfogfree@yahoo.com
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Aug 2007
Posts: 100
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Aug 2007
Posts: 100 |
OK--I've given this some thought. Let's assume that the rest of your week goes as well as this morning did. You're being the old "new" NN, and your wife is responding in kind. Your golf game and lunch went well, and now it's Sunday morning or afternoon. If she suggests that you two go for a walk, then you're doing well! If she seems like she has enjoyed your weekend, but doesn't initiate another activity, maybe say, "Hey, _____________ (fill in the blank--it's beautiful outside; I want to work on my tan; I want to get some exercise; I want to be outside-I'm tired of being cooped up during the week--you get my drift) I feel like taking a walk--want to go with me??" Be very happy and upbeat. If she says yes, great, and if she rejects you GO ANYWAY. She may very well be leery of your newfound attitude adjustment and look at you like you've got lobsters growing out of your head if you suggest a walk when you have rejected her requests to go on them in the past. If you go without her, she will see that you really did want to go for the walk, and weren't using that as an excuse to try to manipulate her. Use your actions and attitude to convey positive messages to her. Believe me, she will notice.
The main things that I want you to continue doing is to be positive, upbeat, happy, independent and strong. Show her that you are still the man she fell in love with! Those qualities are ATTRACTIVE!!
I'll keep thinking about other things you can do and let you know if I come up with some other ideas.
FWW me 43
BH 48
DSD 29
DSS 24
DGD 9
DGS 5
M 4/22/95
DDay 7/25/07
NC 7/26/07 broken on 7/30/07--NC since
Email: myrevfogfree@yahoo.com
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Aug 2007
Posts: 100
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Aug 2007
Posts: 100 |
Another thought--I'm not sure if your cabin is very isolated or not (I also understand that you will have family duties as well), but I'm wondering if there is an outdoor theater nearby that would have a play or concert, or if there are any local wineries (if you two enjoy that kind of thing)?? Those would be fun things to attend/experience with no pressure--just enjoying yourselves and the environment. MR and I love to go to classic rock concerts, comedy clubs and to visit wineries. Doing these things are like dating and are great ways to reconnect. YOU NEED TO HAVE SOME FUN TOGETHER!
I can't really stress that enough. When MR and I first began recovery, the comedy club was a sanity saver. Nothing like a big belly laugh to ease tension!
FWW me 43
BH 48
DSD 29
DSS 24
DGD 9
DGS 5
M 4/22/95
DDay 7/25/07
NC 7/26/07 broken on 7/30/07--NC since
Email: myrevfogfree@yahoo.com
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Aug 2007
Posts: 100
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Aug 2007
Posts: 100 |
NN,
Question for you--what does your wife like to do for fun? What activities has she invited you to participate in in the past that you have either done with her or rejected her? What do you all enjoy doing at the cabin? I'm just trying to get a feel for what makes you and/or her tick. If I know what she likes to do, then maybe I can come up with some subtle way for you to do something that would show her that you are open to doing something with her that SHE wants to do. Example: maybe she sees you packing your hiking boots, and thinks--"maybe NN wants to actually take a walk with me on this trip!" Or something to that effect.
Sorry that I have been giving some suggestions that are pertinent to MR and me!! I want to know specifically about you guys!!
FWW me 43
BH 48
DSD 29
DSS 24
DGD 9
DGS 5
M 4/22/95
DDay 7/25/07
NC 7/26/07 broken on 7/30/07--NC since
Email: myrevfogfree@yahoo.com
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 224
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 224 |
NN,
Question for you--what does your wife like to do for fun? What activities has she invited you to participate in in the past that you have either done with her or rejected her? What do you all enjoy doing at the cabin? I'm just trying to get a feel for what makes you and/or her tick. If I know what she likes to do, then maybe I can come up with some subtle way for you to do something that would show her that you are open to doing something with her that SHE wants to do. Example: maybe she sees you packing your hiking boots, and thinks--"maybe NN wants to actually take a walk with me on this trip!" Or something to that effect.
Sorry that I have been giving some suggestions that are pertinent to MR and me!! I want to know specifically about you guys!! She likes to golf during the summer. She is also into exercising. She teaches aerobics so that is a good part of her interest. She usually will go for a run in the morning at the cabin. I can't keep up with her but she will sometimes jokingly ask if I want to go with. I was thinking this time I will just do it if she asks me. Up at the cabin I enjoy fishing. She doesn't get into it as much, I usually go with her dad. Our oldest daughter is really getting into it now. She enjoys going to movies and eating out. The comedy club is one thing she really enjoys when we go. She likes to go to a bar and play trivia or games. We used to play board games together. We did a jigsaw puzzle a month ago, and she seemed to enjoy that. She likes shopping, it can be for clothes or just window shopping for anything. She loves attention. She wants to be told she looks nice, given flowers and cards. She is open to doing pretty much anything. She is pretty adventurous. She likes to play yard games at the cabin. We always do this so that won't be a problem and her mom will get that started for me anyways. She took a trip to San Fransico a couple years ago and got into wine. The wine thing is something I haven't looked into. I will look and see what we have here for that. Hope that is enough info. Thanks for the help.
Me 36
FWW 34
Married 9 years
2 Children 8 and 4 years
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Aug 2007
Posts: 1,414
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Aug 2007
Posts: 1,414 |
NoName,
One other piece of advice (a reminder really) straight from the 180.
Whatever you come up with to try to do together, you still may get "shot down" at this point ... if that happens, then go anyway and act very happy about it. DON'T POUT OR GRUMBLE.
Let's say you suggest you ask her to go somewhere or do something and she says no ... then just take it in stride and say, "well, maybe DD (or her Dad) would like to go" and proceed to go ask them and enjoy yourself. Then come back talking about what a great time you all had, and how you should do it again, soon.
This shows her that you weren't trying to manipulate her, since you went ahead and did it anyway, and it shows her that you are very capable of enjoying yourself WITHOUT her ... and believe me ... that message will be received LOUD AND CLEAR.
If she has any remaining interest in recovering your M ... this will be a tactic you will likely only have to use ONCE, if you do it right the first time.
It's all part of regaining your confidence and self-respect by taking control of the only person you can control ... YOU!!!
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Aug 2007
Posts: 100
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Aug 2007
Posts: 100 |
Ditto what my husband said!! Sounds like she has a lot of the same interests that I do. Make sure that you don't try to do TOO much with her this weekend. That might be a big red flag--she might feel pressured--and we don't want her to be on edge and wary. Anything that you all do, make sure it at least SEEMS spontaneous (it obviously won't be, since we're helping you plan some things! ). Remember--you are the fun, happy, spontaneous NN now! If it's been a while since you took a run with her, make sure that she sees that your running shoes, shorts, etc are packed. Since running and exercising are a big part of her life, join in! You don't have to every time, but you might find you enjoy it and it would be a great tension reliever as well as a wonderful way to spend time together. Let her see you enjoying yourself with the girls or the in-laws, no matter what you are doing. It sounds like you all have quite a few activities that you always do together (fishing, the yard games, etc.). Taking a run with her, taking her shopping, or to a nice dinner or concert--even just one of those things would suffice for some recreational companionship since you already have a golf outing planned. If there is a winery close, I would highly suggest a tour of that, since she likes that sort of thing. Surprise her with it--ask her if she wants to take a drive, then head to the vineyard. Maybe pack a secret picnic, and purchase a nice bottle of wine at the winery and take her to a quiet place for some alone time! Just remember--don't do too much, as it may come across as forced and she may be overwhelmed by all of your attention, especially if she is not used to it. Baby steps, NN!! I know you want everything to happen NOW and be resolved; the truth is, it takes lots of time and patience. YOU CAN DO THIS!!! Let us know what happens tonight and in the morning. MR and I are rooting for you!!
FWW me 43
BH 48
DSD 29
DSS 24
DGD 9
DGS 5
M 4/22/95
DDay 7/25/07
NC 7/26/07 broken on 7/30/07--NC since
Email: myrevfogfree@yahoo.com
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 224
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 224 |
We hit a little bump last night. She teaches this areobics class and every 3 months she has to learn a new routine. Last night she said she was stressed out about it because she has a lot going on in her life now. I should have just said you will do fine you always do. But I asked what she has in her life. Anyways we went got into where we are going and everything. It didn't last long and wasn't too bad but I wish I had just let it go.
We put this behind us quickly and moved on. We had another nice night before and after this. This morning she got up to start work early and I got the girls ready while she worked. She works from home so she was home. Since she started early I never got a chance to talk this morning. After I dropped the girls off at daycare I called her up just to talk. Our show is on tonight (Big Brother) and talked to her about the show. All our friends make fun of us for watching it but we enjoy it and it gives us something to talk about. We have a good time when the show is on. She seemed really upbeat when we were talking, she even said I'll talk to you later when I hung up which she does't usually say, so that was nice.
With the one exception a good night and morning. I just wish I had walked away last night. I know what I have to do, next time I won't fall into that trap.
Me 36
FWW 34
Married 9 years
2 Children 8 and 4 years
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 224
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 224 |
For this weekend.
Her parents are not going to be around for supper on Friday night at the cabin. I had said we should do something fun for supper since it's just us and our girls. We hadn't thought of anything and then last night she said she wants to have fish. So our plan is when we get to the lake tomorrow we are going to go out fishing as a family and hopefully catch some supper. I thought this was a good idea I just wish I had thought of it.
We will golf on Saturday and then go out for lunch, other than that we don't have any plans.
Me 36
FWW 34
Married 9 years
2 Children 8 and 4 years
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Mar 2007
Posts: 1,719
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Mar 2007
Posts: 1,719 |
Repeat what she says back to her, which is a technique that shows you're listening.
Remember some key parts of the 180: Don't call. Don't initiate conversation.
Having her in the home but giving her space is a good thing. Carry on with things you need to do.
D-Day 28 Feb 06
Plan D (Not by choice) - 24 March 06
DD6
DS4(Twin1)
DS4(Twin2)
She moved away with the kids April 08. I contested it and got a lot more time with my kids. She's unhappy that I want to stay involved in their lives and don't settle for being an "every other weekend" dad.
Never going to happen.
Ongoing personal recovery through the help of friends, family, and DC United Soccer!
|
|
|
Moderated by Ariel, BerlinMB, Denali, Fordude, IrishGreen, MBeliever, MBsurvivor, MBSync, McLovin, Mizar, PhoenixMB, Toujours
|
0 members (),
588
guests, and
74
robots. |
|
Key:
Admin,
Global Mod,
Mod
|
|
|
Forums67
Topics133,623
Posts2,323,511
Members72,007
| |
Most Online3,224
May 9th, 2025
|
|
|
|
