Hi CC,


How could I forget that part? D'OH!!


I hope so.


Yeah, I'm thinking that he MUST think about this, especially with his health in such bad shape all of a sudden. (According to a doctor's letter that was sent for my viewing pleasure.)


I think...no, I'm almost positive this is why he is so doped up these days. He was NEVER that bad before the A. NEVER.


Yeah, that makes sense. And he did a lot of that with the kids.


Well, here's hoping!


I guess the more I read the more I feel like...well, let me use this example: A rainbow is beautiful. Then you have science class in school and learn how it is formed and its cute little nickname, ROY G BIV and all that jazz. Yeah, it's nice to know all that but it just kinda takes the magic out of the rainbow. So I try not to think about it when I see one. Maybe I should just do that if and/or when I decide to "start dating"
again.


I like that you put it in this context. That gives me hope.


Yeah, I don't think it is, either. Maybe it's something humans used to do more often but stopped or slowed down for some reason...or maybe in the future it will become more prominent...I think it will depend on how we move forward as a whole. It seems that people are more disconnected from each other these days. Yeah, Gray (well, Gray's alter-ego, Jonesy) and I used to have that. We still do a little bit. I don't know if he notices but I do.

Thank you for taking the time to answer, CC. I was going to give up on anyone answering already!

Have a nice evening,

Charlotte

CC, your posts on this thread are awesome - they have been a true pleasure to read...You have a quite a gift in explaining all of this in a very reader friendly manner...Color me impressed!

Thanks much!

Mrs. W

This just brings to mind to me how important forgiveness is. Forgiveness is important for you - because you don't need to carry the burden of resentment toward Mr. Gray for the rest of your life. But I also honestly believe that forgiveness is a very priceless gift for the one who has sinned, because it allows them to move past the burden of guilt that they have assumed.

Of course I don't know at what stage you are in your personal journey, if you are at the stage where thinking about forgiveness is appropriate yet. If you aren't, it's something to keep in mind for the future. But as I read the above, I just pictured in my head how Gray must have ruined his own sense of honor and decency, and how he must be unable to face himself in the mirror anymore. I know back when I was a rotten husband (faithful, but rotten), I always had a burden of guilt in my head about the way I treated my wife, and that guilt also affected our relationship in a negative way. I treasure my wife's forgiveness, and I work hard every day to make sure I am worthy of it.


I guess for me, as I child I would marvel at the rainbow, and I was taught about how it represented God's promise not to destroy the human race again. Then, science class and we learned all about it, and yeah, like you say, some of the magic is gone. But when I see one now... I think about how there is a perfectly valid scientific explanation for it, for how the light is refracted and how it appears after a rainstorm... but the science does not explain why it should appear as something beautiful to see, and it does not explain why it appeals to people so strongly. And knowing the scientific reason behind it does not affect the sense I have that it is really something awe-inspiring to behold.

There may be scientific explanations for why the world is the way it is, and the workings may be explained in a materialistic and mechanical way, but that doesn't change the fact that the world is a very nice place to be, and that a warm summer day or a crisp autumn day is something to enjoy to the fullest. Know what I mean?


Funny, I'm currently finishing up reading a book about this very topic!


I agree that people seem more disconnected. I'm praying that your situation works out for the best. I've been following your story for a while, and I think that whatever happens, you will come out of this experience bruised, but basically sound and emotionally healthy. I don't see any cause for worry for your future. Gray, though, seems to have destroyed himself with his behavior, and I don't think he will ever be whole unless he recognizes what he has done - and that will be an extraordinarily painful process for him.

Take care!

Thanks!

I do see what you mean. At the same time, I'm on my second divorce. My first XH was physically, verbally and mentally abusive. One would have thought I would never have another relationship again. But I knew I right away that I wanted one - just not the same type. Why? Because my parents did and theirs was just like the rainbow. So I analyzed myself, tried to figure out what it was that I needed to do to fix what was broken and tried to look for someone who would create that rainbow with me. I thought I had, but he turned out to be WstbxH. So here I am again - analyzing myself, trying to fix what is broken and figuring out what ingredients are needed to make that perfect rainbow.

The scientific part doesn't take away the magic. Each thing you find out about yourself comes with 2 more things to learn. I don't know if I'll find that rainbow or if it even exists but I keep trying regardless.

I think all people (including single people) have EN's. IMHO, what keeps many single from engaging in dysfunctional behavior (and I say many, because some do) in order to get their EN's met is their perception and expectations.

EN's sometimes remind me of umpires or referees at sporting events. When it is done properly, it never gets noticed. Only when a mistake is made are people even aware of them.

Because of this, many people only percieve they have a need, when it is not being properly met.

On this point, I think expectations play a huge role in defining "properly." Single people and married people most likely have drastically different definitions of "properly." I would suppose this definition change arises due to the committment of the M. i.e. one gives their faithfullness in exchange for a deeper connection.

For example, if I were a single person, a friend properly meeting my EN for conversation may be a lively debate on politics or a sporting event. As a married person, my FWW properly meeting my EN for conversation more likely delves into hopes, dreams, fears.

So, if I were a single person, who had the occassional talk on sports with a friend, I would likely conclude I do not have a EN for conversation, because I only percieve the need when it is not being met properly, and occassional sports talks are consistent with my expectations for conversation.

However, since I am married, if my spouse only talked to me about sports, it would not be consistent with my expectations, would leave me distressed, and I would conclude I have a need for conversation that is not being properly met.

I only say all this because in most A's, I see WS's that seem to be "raging" at the percieved injustice of their lives. Either the injustice of what they missed out on, or the injustice of marrying the wrong person, or the injustice of not being "repaid" for all they do or gave up, or tried to fix. They seem to only notice what is "missing" and what is "missing" is usually not absent, just not up to their expectations. Granted, once wayward, these expectations can be come illogical.

Hi CC,


Somewhere in the time between D-day and Brave New World, when I exposed to OWH for the 2nd time (successfully the 2nd time because I was able to place the evidence directly into his hands,) I told myself not to harbor any bad thoughts towards the two of them. I would tell myself this every day because I didn't want to have hate in my heart for either one of them. I didn't feel like that would do any good or cause anything good to happen, if hate was in my heart.

I can't remember now exactly how long after D-day I started doing that...I know it was after the first 3 or 4 weeks because I was pretty much a useless puddle during that time.

At another point, (and I don't remember exactly when but I may have written it down somewhere,) I began to try to forgive them. I asked God for help with that and to help me understand why.

There were things that continued to hurt but I still kept trying. And there was a time when I actually did get angry, because of the kids. But then I realized it was something I couldn't control so I had to let it go. I decided to focus on my relationship with them and whatever he was going to do or not do about his relationship with them was not something I would worry about.

So now, today, if someone asks me if I forgive him? Yeah. I do. I really do. I don't know if I will tell him or I should tell him but I do.

I'm glad you mentioned how he must have ruined his sense of honor and decency and how he must not be able to face himself in the mirror. I do wonder about that.

I don't know if he will ever get over it. This latest letter outlining his health problems, well, yeah, there's the giggle factor about his testosterone level and all...but if it is true, and some of it probably is...then he is just miserable. I am certain a lot of the symptoms mentioned are related to his drug use but I think he's going to take the B-12 deficiency and run with it and use that as an excuse to continue taking those d*mn pills.

Nothing I can do about it but I am sad for him that he's having so many health problems. I DID tell him that, in an email. He can take it however he wants to. I meant it. I told him I hoped he would end up with a good specialist that could help him, too.



I agree!!


Yep.


Really? That's so cool! I would love to read it!


I really appreciate that.


Yeah, I agree. I hope he lives through it but I don't know. It's not looking good. If he ditched the pills, yeah, I think he could do it.

I guess I have conflicting thoughts about the concepts here sometimes. There are those here who are very strident about any "magic" and I think about those "psychic" connections that happen with not just Gray, but other family, friends and even just mere acquaintances. For me, after going through all of the emotional turmoil and being stripped bare, it seems like I connect with people more now. I feel more, instead of the opposite, shut down emotionally. And I think that's a good thing.

I guess that's why I don't want to lose the "magic" that is falling in love, if by chance I get to again someday. I don't want to think about PEA and when is it gonna wear off and all of that. Of course if I end up in a relationship I want to go by the MB principles...I guess what I am trying to do is find some sort of balance. Not that I need to worry about it at this time but the more I read...well, you know. LOL!

Thanks again for your help, CC. I really appreciate it.

Take care,

Charlotte

Hi Tabby,


Yeah, you're right. I just get so immersed here sometimes and then I have conflict about it because it's so cut and dried and I feel like it wouldn't even be worth it to get involved with anyone. It would be like a tasteless cardboard frozen pizza instead of one with homemade dough, spicy sauce, fresh mozzarella, fresh veggies & meat...mmmmmmm...(now I'm hungry!)...because the magic is removed.

I guess the key is finding a balance and I don't know how to do that yet. Maybe someday. I guess time will tell.

For now, school. And no cute chefs or chefs-to-be cooking in my private kitchen!!

Charlotte

Ahhh, but KNOWING there is a difference between the homemade dough and the frozen cardboard is what gives you the advantage. Now you can recognize the fresh stuff when you see it!