Yup. The events are Breamar, caber toss, hammer, weight over bar, weights for distance, sheaf toss. When you compete, you do all the events.

And I do encourage her to come to the practices at both the soccer games and the throwing practices. She comes to most when she's off work because she can come with the kids and they can play at the park. The only time she backs off a bit is when it's extremely hot outside or extremely cold outside.

We do very little without each other. He does not like to shop (we go to the grocery store together but not like clothes shopping) so I either go by myself or with my one of my kids. I can not really think of anything that he does without me though. All of my friends are basically “our” friends (couples) and if we go out is it all together.

When he played softball he played one league night (during the week) and weekend tournaments. Usually three weekends a month, his team was pretty good so it ended up being a whole weekend event. It was usually with all the players’ families, if it was close to home we would just go home, if it was away some of the players would stay in a hotel and some of them would camp (that is what we did) and like I said before my kids made some wonderful friends whom they are still friends with today.

So you are correct in saying that when he was playing a game we were not “doing” anything together but we were “being” together which is important too. We really enjoy each others company and we like the same recreational activities so why not do them together. Actually we do a lot of things as a family (me, my H and our kids).

And by your post it looks like you have something going on 4 nights a week. How are you doing spending your 15 hours a week with your spouse? How many nights a week does she do something without you?

kiltedthrower, the principles are loosely;

1. your most enjoyable leisure activity should be something that is done with your SPOUSE - not with her as a spectator, but as a participant in an activity you BOTH enjoy

2. your greatest source of happiness should be your spouse

3. 15 hours together per week giving the other undivided attention, meeting the others needs

I do some things without my spouse, such as shopping during the day. But I don't go shopping during the evenings or weekends without him because that is OUR TIME. I go out to lunch with girlfriends during the week, but never on the weekend. OR if I do something like that come up, I either don't go or we go together.

Those are the basic principles. The other side of that is to NOT do activities that stupidly cause risk to the marriage, such as hanging out in bars with guys acting single. If you are married, act married. I TRUST my H, but I would NOT trust him if he had sloppy boundaries. That is how affairs start.

And again, there are NO MANDATES. I am not my H's momma and he is not my poppa. We do the above for 2 reasons: a) it creates ROMANTIC LOVE and b) he is cute and handsome and he thinks I'm hot!

Tues-throwing practice, Weds-soccer, Fri-soccer, Sat-throwing practice.

On Fridays it is always after she has crashed out for the night and we have had a couple hours of alone time playing a board game or cards or just chatting.

Tues and Sat she is usually working. And when she's not she's almost always going with me so she can play at the park.

Weds she usually goes with me to hang out with the kids at the park or so the kids can watch me play as they enjoy that.

As far as something without me-she goes over to her friends once or twice a month. I don't go as I don't really enjoy going over to her friends house as I find it reallllly boring. And she goes to Walmart about once a week. I can't stand the place, so I let her go and keep the kids. I can handle about 20 minutes of Walmart before I start getting aggrivated at how crowded it is.

Mel, the only thing I disagree with in your post is that Kilted Thrower's wife has to actively participate in KT's sport. I think being a spectator is still a good thing. The kids enjoy it and it's a family outing. It's still time spent in each others company. If you read Lil's thread, her H just wants her to come along, he doesn't need her to participate.

ETA KT, that IS a lot of time you don't spend together, especially as your W works in the weekend.

My FWH had never given me reason not to trust him, and he used to hang out at the bar pretty often with his lodge buddies (all men). One day an out of town lodge buddy brought his girlfriend to the bar - she turned into the OW. Happens all the time. Nobody is immune - NOBODY.

Before my H's EA, he used to run on his own and I ran, but did not regularly run with him. I cross country skied and he did not. I asked him to join me with my cross country skiing, but he had not skied for many years and was hesitant to try to pick it back up again. He started his EA during the last month of my cross country ski season in 2006.

After all that happened, he started running with me and we started bicycling together. He bought cross country skis for the 2007 ski season and now we ski together. It is much better for our relationship this way. I used to spend hours on the ski trail without him. I skied alone. It was a little lonely, but I did not have anyone to ski with and I wanted to ski. I also wanted to be able to just pick up and go and it is a rare friend that can do that. Running together has also been good for him; There are many times that he might have run too fast, and messed up some part of his body. Running with me forces him to run frequently at a slower pace. He still goes to the track once in a while, or when he is running with me, he will "pick it up" and then run back to me. He also runs alone a few times when he wants to run faster than I run.

Both of us dislike shopping. I used to do all the shopping. Now, I ask him to help with it. Also, we used to drive to work separately--an hour each way--to the same city! We did this so that I could get home early in order to spend time with our boys. Now that the boys are older, we drive together. That way, I have time to do grocery shopping before I pick up H from his place of work. H also works from home on many days, so he is here at home sometimes when the boys arrive home from school. This year, our oldest and most responsible "boy" is away at college. Fortunately, sports activities will keep them busy after school for two sport seasons.

I do wish I had a few girlfriends to spend a little time with. But we have been so busy with our boys that I just have not cultivated friendships outside of casual friends with moms of other atheletes from school sports. Maybe I will be able to do that a little more. Family has always been first for both of us. We have just re-prioritized our relationship with each other to be primary.

Back in 2006, I was skiing in March when he started his e-mail EA with old gf. Then it escalated while he was out of town on business--he started calling her. On a weekend, he lied to me, saying he would go get the oil changed in one of our cars and "run errands" and I needn't bother to come with him. Instead, I ran six miles and came home and did some house stuff. He ran errands, but the real reason he did not want me to come with him was because he and she planned to meet each other "for coffee". If we had been doing things together like we are now, it would have been more difficult for him to fall into that fog and addictive behavior that he fell into. It is strange, because before this EA, he had had good boundaries. He has worked out of town for several weeks out of each year for about twenty years and he never had a problem--really--never. I think it just goes to show the potential danger of "old flames". He just fell head over heals into being able to re-live "old times".

I would say definitely NO. I was naive about my H going to "hang out w/the guys". I have just discovered that he has been leading a totally different life.......long-term affair confirmed that started where he hung out and other behavior such as taking female acquaintences that had too much to drink home (and then apparently accepting sexual favors in return). Definitely NOT a good idea IMO.

See, I wouldn't agree with this at all. There is a huge difference between ENGAGING with each other and sitting in the stands OBSERVING. Spectating is not engaging. That is not meeting each other needs and it is not a MUTUAL activity. Not even watching TV together counts as a RC because it is not time spent engaging.

I agree with you Mel. There is a couple at my baseball league - he plays, she doesn't. Instead, she keeps score for his team. So she's very involved even though she doesn't play.

I also remember in the hayday of my M, Wstbx would come to my horseshows and take pictures. He didn't care for horses one bit, but he loved photography. So we both got to do something completely different that we each liked - but together.

Great post, Tabby.

Brought something new to my mind...I wondered if playing in leagues as adults goes to meeting our EN for Admiration and acceptance...so even as a spectator, scorekeeper...cheering on your spouse seems to me to be a way to meet part of that EN.

That and sharing the experience...being there for their feats and defeats.

LA

That's how I look at it....supporting your spouse's interests...nothing wrong with that, IMO. I think it's better when you can do something TOGETHER, but that isn't always possible.

Ahhhhhh, now for ME, I would LOVE for Mr. W to play on a softball team...I would completely dig watching that...For me, athleticism is a turn on - Something very masculine about a man playing a sport...

Could also be a bit of the residual cheerleader in me...dunno!

Mrs. W

I think "just being there", as long as both spouses are enjoying themselves, is fine.

If they're with you, they're not with someone else.

There is nothing wrong with watching a spouse play a sport; in fact it is a great idea! But it doesn't count as 15 hours of undivided attention. To do that, the activity needs to be spent TOGETHER, engaging each other.

Yep...Well said!

As I recall, Dr. Harley said at the weekend conference that after you've spent your 15 hours/wk of UA couple time, your 15 hours/wk of family time, your ? hours/wk work time, and whatever time you need for sleeping, that anything left over is all yours! And yes, he was entirely serious!

Mrs. W

"I am wondering how people here feel about partners going out to bars without their spouse.

I am of the belief that this is NOT something that should happen."

Agree.
It's basically people drinking so they can lower their inhibitions so they can blame whatever they do on the booze...
Married people going to bars without their spouse isn't very smart IMHO.
I didn't even like going to bars before I got married, or now that I am divorced.
I do like to dance though so I go to dance lessons and dances sponsered by area ballroom dance hobbyists.
Just not into the 'pick-up' scene bar experience.

I think it's a good idea to go along when your spouse is involved in something like playing on a sports team, to share in it as much as you can... but I don't think it counts as part of the 15 hours quality time together as a couple.

Now if it's something that you both are involved in together, like both being on the same bowling team, that's a little better, but it's still not really part of the 15 hours spent alone as a couple is it?

There were times in my marriage when WXH only wanted to go on dates with other couples or socialize in groups, but not spend time alone togehter. We sometimes also spent a lot of time going to kids' activities. But he resisted spending time alone as a couple. I guess because of that it is very important that my future husband will want to spend time with me. I have no problem with the sports, watching kids' activities, etc., as long as the 15 hours alone as a couple is top priority.

I have not read this full post, only your original one medc, and from that, I would have to say, I agree 150%.

I do NOT think one should be going out to a bar without the other.

I call it "putting oneself in temptation's way".

You should never put yourself in a sitch where their knowingly may be temptation.

Just my 2 cents.

OK, because I'm such a math geek LOL (and maybe because I'm studying to take the SAT's again - need SAT scores that are less than 5 years old and in the 90th percentile inorder to get a job I've applied for) I'm been thinking about this question mathematically...

So if some of the time that's supposed to be counted as the 15 hours alone together as a couple is really spent not so much together alone, such as one spouse is watching the other spouse playing on a team, then maybe an hour doing that only counts as a 1/4 hour? LOL

Seriously, I think it needs to be alone time with your spouse, not on a double or group date, not one spouse wathcing the other spouse play sports. (One of my jobs is at a minor league baseball stadium and I doubt seriously that the player's wives consider it a 'date' or quality time with their spouse when they watch the game, after all, the rest of us watching the game are certainly not investing time in a relationship with the players are we? (hey - I'm not anyway - but there sure are some strangely dressed females who come to the games...anf hang around afterwards for 'autographs'... IMHO spike heels are a tad out of place at a baseball game LOL)

Also, I wanted to add that even when I was single I didn't like the idea of meeting men at bars because I wasn't interested in the sort of man who hangs out in bars, or who goes to bars to 'pick-up' women. I don't get it why so many people go to bars to try to meet somebody. Wierdness IMHO.