GG,

I think it is very interesting that you cannot tell your husband you forgive him.

That tells me one of two things:

A. You have not forgiven him, OR
B. You do not wish to relinquish the power you believe you have if you withhold the words.




I have some hypotheses as to why your H might not ask for forgiveness:

A. He might be certain you have forgiven him.
B. He doesn't want to open the discussion regarding the A any more often than he has to.
C. He doesn't want to ask for it, because it would indicate to you that he has to give over some sense of power that he isn't willing to give.
D. He is too embarrassed about the whole thing.
E. He feels too distant from you to talk about this topic.

There are more, but might one of them fit?


SB

GG,

I thought of a third:

C. You are holding back forgiveness, just in case he is not truly deserving - in case he does this again.

Schoolbus,
Bingo - you hit it with C. In the recess of my mind I can't help but wonder if he will do something stupid again. And you are right he doesn't want to remember what happened because he was very ashamed. In his heart he knows that I have put it behind us. I don't know if I'm holding back forgiveness - I just can't say the words to him yet - because like you said, it's a "just-in-case" protection mode for me. I may need more time to reach that point - 100% deserving.

GG

Can't remember where I read this:

There are 4 "levels" of forgiveness...
1) No forgiveness: refusal
2) "False Forgiveness": forgiving someone too easily without the required elements of true forgiveness (#4) being present. You do this when you are naive, needy, desperate, and being a doormat who will accept virtually anything superficial to win the 'love' of the perpetrator back. This is what people in dependent relationships do to 'win back' chronic, un-reformed abusers whose only goal is to continue the emotional/physical manipulation.
3) Acceptance: forgiving someone (prob out of your life) quietly to yourself only as a means of not allowing their hurtful betrayals to torment you any longer. In effect, you are relinquishing 'punishment' or 'retribution' and leaving it to God. You may never overtly forgive them to their face but merely chose to not let their past actions hurt you any longer. Often the case with unrepentant, still-active WSs/xWSs.
4) "True forgiveness": this is only possible with the requisite elements being present in the WS--responsibility, ownership, humility, sincerity, remorse, apology, and GENUINE repentance. True Recovery of a healthy relationship is ONLY possible with all these being present.

I am in #3 with my xWW (she has never demonstrated the required elements of #4) and we no longer have any contact which is fine with me. She affair-married her OM and I have moved on to a promising romance with someone new. Thankfully, we had no kids together so I never need see or hear from her 2-faced, back-stabbing *** again. I wish her no ill, but do not care if it should (likely) eventually befall her either. It took me a long time to realize that she is not worth my concern or my pain anymore.

For those hoping to recover their M with a fWS, the BS is ofetn stuck on #1 or #2 while they need to arrive at #4. Harley's concept of 'just compensation' comes into play here. If your fWS does not demonstrate the elements required of true forgiveness, you will remain where you are (and may proceed to D if enough delay occurs). If he/she does, then the BS MUST move to #4 (as difficult as it might be) to recover the M.

Bump

I don't think there can be genuine happiness without forgiveness. I forgave my husband the day I found out, however I haven't forgotten it. Forgiveness is not a feeling, it's a committment, a choice to show mercy. The affair will be mentioned for years to come I'm sure. Hopefully not as frequent, but I'll never forget September 1, 2009 as long as I live. We can't mistake forgiving with forgetting.