Two totally different statements. The added information in the second makes sense. The first, as written, is not true.




Again, I will say, I do NOT think this is likely accurate. The book likey suggests an extended period of time where the man/woman (abuser) proves they are no longer a threat...BEFORE living together again.

No, the bottom line is, YOU are putting your children and yourself at risk for a man that has NOT proven anything.

"When I told my parents that my husband had broken my arm, they got on a plane and traveled 1,200 miles and called the police to our home. They told them in front of me that they could not prosecute him for an injury that had occurred five months previously if I was unwilling to press charges. "

You mean, the police were willing to prosecute your monster husband BUT YOU WERE NOT WILLING TO PRESS CHARGES?????

OH GEEZE>>>> I CANNOT BELIEVE THIS>>>>

**EDIT**

thinks. :twobyfour: :twobyfour: :twobyfour: :twobyfour:

Cherished, what about the damage to your scull? Were you NOT WILLING TO PRESS CHARGES there, either???

I bet if YOU WERE WILLING TO PRESS CHARGES even now, the police could finally prosecute this monster husband of yours!

I strongly suggest you read the bottom of page 248 regarding how children will view receiving love (abuse comes with it).

I also suggest you read the key-points on page 272.
I would add on to that list...
Good mothers do not put their children in harms way.

Good mothers do not put THEMSELVES in harms way either.

So, what happens when your parents come and visit? You protecting him from having to face your parents?

If my child was abused by someone...you can bet I would have something to say to them. I let her ex-boyfriend have it good and proper. That was the last time he shined around, I can tell you that.

He later had a bad case of the "stupids" when he telephoned here asking for her...and then telling me to tell her he called and for her to call him back. Yeah...right...like that is GONNA happen.

I laughed so hard I thought I would pee my pants. "Let me see I have this right...You struck my daughter, she has broken up with you, you call here asking for her, and you tell me to tell her to call you....you must be outa your ever lovin mind...that is so NOT gonna happen.....you stupid stupid man." I started laughing....he hasn't called back since. That was 6 years ago.

Sounds like you are once again protecting him from the consequences of his actions...and from embarrassment. How shameful to have to face the parents of the woman you have abused.

Keep on protecting. :MrEEk:

committed

This occurred six years ago. I honestly don't remember if they would have been able to prosecute had I been willing to press charges. My parents couldn't press charges, which is what they were trying to do. I wasn't interested. I was trying to save my marriage.

Looking back, yes, that day was surreal. My mother has commented on how I looked that day. I may have been very close to a nervous breakdown. All I wanted to do was get out of there, and my sister took me and our two youngest children for a week, paying for the plane flight and getting me some time to calm down, at least a little.

I look back and realize I was not thinking straight six years ago. Now? Well, maybe not. One thing the book "Why Does He Do That?" has in the appendix is recommendations to friends and family of abused women. These women have been beaten to nothing emotionally by their husbands. What they need is respect from others, support from others to make decisions which they consider to be appropriate. They don't need to be beaten down anymore.

My parents did try to get me to leave him. They gave up in October, 2003, when I was all prepared to leave and changed my mind. Now they serve as a sounding board. They listen. They encourage. They have told me that they didn't think there was any possibility at all of recovery, but now -- maybe.

It's not that I hung in. The "Be still" thread is not about enduring. It is about recognizing that the other person has made choices, you need to think through what happened, and then you make your move. It's about respecting that he has choices and so do you.

I finally had had enough and was willing to separate. I told him to leave. He then could change his behavior and stay or he could leave. I was done with the put downs.

Cherished

No...the "Be still" thread is all about not running around like a chicken with its head cut off.

People get so consumed with the chaos that they are off in every direction...in the midst of doing NOTHING.

In the hysteria of D Day that might apply.

In the event of beatings that doesn't apply.

I don't know ANYONE that would tell you to "be still" while being abused.

They would tell you RUN!!!!!!!!!

Don't use that thread as justification for your choice in staying with an abuser. It won't fly with anyone that has a lick of sense.

committed

Are you saying that I am justifying staying with an abuser when what I said was that the "Be still" thread was about a person recognizing that his/her spouse has free will and I also said I regret not having separated and now am in the position to separate?
Cherished

Cherished,
I believe that people can change. I believe people are responsible for their choices and actions. And I still think a legal separation is warranted. You say things have been good for what, six weeks? That's not enough time to convince me. That's not enough time to take a chance with your children's lives! And the whole thing about the police wouldn't do anything is a crock...it is as I suspected, because you refused to press charges. Why do you continually protect this man? I still wouldn't be bragging about anything to do with this man if I were your mother. If it were my daughter, I'd want her far away from him!

I am referring to this:


What's to "think through"?

He is breaking bones...crushing skulls...and who knows what else.

Why think it through?

Why respect his choice to abuse you? What's to respect?

committed

I respect his choice to change.

still believe this crapola?

Do you get a payoff for being your husbands victim?

medc,
You've seen a lot, obviously. It's really sad that abuse was attention. I didn't want to get away from him when he was swearing at me because at least his attention was directed towards me. Now I will not, absolutely will not, fight. He was yelling at me this past Christmas Eve, I told him I was not fighting with him, and I went out into the snow in bare feet and in my bathrobe because he was following me around the house yelling. I was so upset that I didn't even feel cold until after I was back in the house. That's the type of boundary that is in place today. I deserve respect. Period.
Cherished

That is NOT a boundary or respect....simply, THAT IS RUNNING FROM YOUR TORMENTOR.

The more I read your words, the more I feel sorry for your precious children. They have two parents that are not interested or capable of protecting them.

Please reconsider your self destructive ways. They are harming your children in a way that I fear they shall never recover.

Cherished - It is very painful for me to read your posts because I used to be a battered woman. You told us that his battering stopped 6 years ago, but now talk about running out in the snow on Christmas Eve.

I have many memories of hiding outside and other crazy things. And I don't buy the opinion that battering is okay because at least you have his attention.

It is more likely that you are cut off from support by your husband's actions. That is what happened to me. After awhile I got very sick, because I tolerated the battering. My husband was always very sorry afterward, and the honeymoon period gave me hope that it wouldn't happen again.

I'm wondering if you are walking on eggshells, being very careful not to set him off. That is what I did. But it never worked because the strangest things would get him started.

Personally I believe a batterer will not stop until they face the consequences (JAIL) of their actions.

Believer,

My sister once said to me that, if her husband had ever sworn at her, his clothes would have been on the front lawn. The problem with allowing abuse to continue is it just gets worse. He first worked on not being physically abusive. Then he's worked on not swearing. He does sometimes yell. I just will not stick around. I wasn't physically scared of him when I went out into the snow last Christmas Eve. I was mad as could be that he would wake up the kids on Christmas Eve night, with at least one child in the house who still believed in Santa. I pleaded with him to stop and when that didn't work I tried to get on my shoes and jacket and when he kept me from getting them I got out of the house without shoes or a jacket. I wasn't sticking around to be yelled at. Oh, he was upset. I started down the street and he asked me to come back and said he wouldn't yell, so I came back. Then he started yelling again and out I went again. He asked me to come back and this time he stopped.

I think there's a slow recovery from such terrible abuse. It's not something he can get over all at once. My role is to get away from him when he is not treating me with respect. I'm not walking on eggshells. In fact, I have to keep myself from saying anything that would be hurtful, and sometimes I don't succeed. I reached my limit, and I recognize that I reached my limit. The threshold happened to be high, but he reached it. I wish I'd had my sister's attitude right from the start, but I have it now. He either treats me well or he doesn't treat me at all.

Cherished

Where is the "jaw hitting the floor" icon?


:crosseyedcrazy:

committed

:MrEEk: