"I really pray that God would give you the peace, forgiveness and the healing of your soul"

Yes, I would like this too. Thanks for the good wishes. I think that I will have peace, forgiveness and healing WHEN THERE IS NO MORE PAIN IN THIS WORLD AND PEOPLE QUIT HURTING EACH OTHER!

I try not to hurt others, but they hurt each other all the time. I do not understand why people continually hurt the ones they claim to love.

Maybe they don't really love them much after all if they can hurt them so badly. Perhaps it is just "fake" love. If they are able to lie, betray, and cheat so easily.

I ask that ALL CHEATERS should follow the marital rules.

1.If you want to have sex with other people outside the marriage, tell your spouse you want to do this FIRST before doing it. Warn him or her...at the very least.

2. OR, as an alternative, get divorced. If you are divorced you can have all the sex you want with "whoever"....without hurting your spouse that you promised to love forever.

You CHEATERS just FOLLOW THESE RULES and no one will be hurt.

Good thing you aren't God Stella.

You have no idea what you are talking about.

Why can't cheaters feel a year or two of pain at least. The BS feels a lot of pain.

I wish it was only a year or 2.

BK, it was your wife wasnt it who cheated. I am sorry.

Whenever I find myself spouting off about pain I realize that my own inner pain is surfacing ...and I am reacting to this pain that cheaters inflict on the innocents.

I am going to try and journal my pain. It is hard to get out of there, so deep. I am like a pain addict right now, this pain on this board pisses me off and triggers my own pain. I guess I have to recover from my own pain so as not to be easily triggered at other peoples pain and pissed off at the ones that hurt them. I got a job ahead of me here...working on myself.

Correct Stella. My d-day was years ago this weekend. I was the BS. My wife is totally reformed - a wonderful woman who has tortured herself for 3 years despite KNOWING she is totally forgiven both by me and by God.

As I said, to be a FWS who is fully repentant is not an easy thing.

It is good, BK that you are able to be so forgiving. It would free you from resentment.

Iam,

A WS cannot "get it". Could you have imagined the pain prior to Dday? I tried to imagine it. I'd watch some silly show on TV and see the infidelity and I'd have these preconceived notions of what it would be like.

I wasn't even CLOSE.

The troubling thing about your wife having her boss stop over isn't just about her empathizing with your pain, but actually her not understanding the conditions and environment that contributed to her A. Those conditions need to be avoided
at all costs and should be in the forefront of her mind ALWAYS.

Unfortunately, I know the pain of both sides.

I'm very fortunate that my FWS(i hate labeling her) LaLa has become a pretty active member of MB. She does truly understand the pain I've gone through because she spent her first few months on MB reading all the BS's stories. It was key to her learning because she read a lot of the same things I had said coming from other people. Still though, she can sympathize but not empathize. You just can't imagine what it is like until it happens to you. It is indescribable the pain the BS goes through.

The flip side of the coin is that I see the pain she is in every day also. She is tormented by the choices she made and the enormous amount of damage it has done to our life.

I think both of us being able to see things from the others perspective has helped a great deal in our recovery.

Want2Stay

I think they can "get it".

I am sure every BS out there can relate to what I felt on D day and how earth shattering and physical that pain can be.
At the same time I also can look in my FWH eyes and see the pain in his eyes. He sees how terribly I hurt and shows me that he "sees" the enormity of my pain. No he does not actually feel the "pain" I feel but he feels the "pain of guilt of having caused me such pain and helplesness of being unable to undo it".
I have to be realistic enough to realize that he does not have a time machine and he cant undo it. At the same time I am not required to not hold him accountable for his actions. I do sincerly feel that he "gets" what damage he did to me and is willing to do what ever it takes to help me along.

Its a tough balance for both a BS and repentful WS. Both are hurt both feel pain and neither ones pain is more or less.

So as I BS I try to "get" my FWH's pain as much as I expect/want him to get mine so that we can both move forward and heal.

Stellkat
Your post is exacly what I would have typed prior to my D day. Along with - AND YOUR BS SHOULD KICK YOUR SORRY [censored] TO THE CURB IMMEDIATELY. NO WS SHOULD EVER HAVE VISITATION RIGHTS TO THEIR KIDS etc etc etc

Now that I am a BS (and I sincerly hope you never are) my own actual realtion to my D day was completely differnt from my previously ficticiously anticpated actions.

I love my H and I know he loves me. Its hard to want some one you love to be inflicted with pain. If there ever was a chance that I might have had an A ever, after becoming a BS and finding the MB site there is a 0% chance that I would use that path to escape from my marriage problems. If I can learn that lesson without causing harm to my H and he can lean the lesson after having caused to me, the important part is we leaned the lesson.

Is the goal lesson learning and growing or indefinate punishemnt for a WS his/her actions ?

Again like I said I can see where you are coming from not ever having experienced a D day of your own. I feel the same sympathy and anger towards a Battred wonan (never having been one myself) ZERO tolerance policy in my mind., which is exaclty what your standard for a WS.
I do think there is a difference between a WS and a FWS and I think a WS needs to "get" the damange they have caused and learn the lessons/steps needed to protect "theselves" from it happening again befire they can earn the F.

FWIW I love your posts and how you are a straight shooter with no nonsense attitude and no frilly bu77 in your posts

I am a BS and since d-day these thoughts are in my mind all the time. Prior to that I had no idea what they pain was like. Not even the slightest concept. Perhaps its different for me, my WstbxH is not even slightly remorseful and the only pain he suffered through the whole thing was when I told him OW couldn't live in our house when OWH threw her out of his. BTW, I'm an incomprehensible b!+c4 for that in case you didn't know.

There are only 3 possable ways for a WS to understand the pain a BS goes through.

1. The WS completly dedicates there existance to repairing there mairrage. After years of recovery the mairrage is finnaly recoverd completly. After years of contentment and marriatle bliss, they find there FBS in an affair and have to deal with D-Day, fog, wayword babble, and all the other fun stuff that comes with an affair. Then they may understand.
(However it is my opinion that 95% of former waywords would just walk away. After all, how DARE someone cheat on THEM!!!)

2. After destroying there marriage, divorcing, the affair colapsing, the fog clearing and moving on to a healthy relationship with some one else. If they re- marry and spend many years in a very happy marriage were they are totaly dedicated to there spouce and they find there new spouse in an affair and have to deal with D-Day, fog, wayword babble, and all the other fun stuff that comes with an affair. Then they may understand.
(However it is my opinion that 95% of former waywords would just walk away. After all, how DARE someone cheat on THEM!!!)

3. They pass away and are made to feal the pain the BS felt when judged.
(However it is my opinion that 50% of former waywords would tell the Allmighty that they where "In Love" with OP, that they "Loved but where not In Love" with here spouce and throwing any other Wayword Fog Babble they could at him to justify the BS's pain)

I agree with everything you said Gack, but I actually know somebody who did this:


She is the twin sister of a friend of mine. She spun horrible tales about her BH to her family - everyone bought it except her twin who could never talk any sense into her. She ended up abandoning her then 9 yo DS for her OM. They were together for a number of years when - surprise, surprise - she found out about OW2 (the next one past her). She was so destroyed by this, she actually called her XH and apologized saying if she had any idea how much it hurt, she wouldn't have done it. Her life is still in ruins and she's been on antidepressants for years. Her relationship with her now grown DS is extremely shakey and probably will never be fully repaired. She is a broken down individual who you could feel bad for if she didn't bring it all on herself.

Whatever pain a FWS feels may be significant but I know for certain it is nothing like the pain a BS feels.

I certainly agree with everyone here- i DONT think that WSs can feel the same pain of the BS- how can they????

they KNEW the whole time that they were lying and having sex with other people and breaking their marital vows- while the BS had NO idea.

i liken it in my head - that no one can understand the pain of having a parent die- until it happens to them. no one can understand the pain of any of the great tragedies in life- until it happens to them.

i agree with whoever said that before D-day- i also had sympathy for the BSs i saw on TV- and said that they were STUPID if they stayed in a marriage with someone who cheated.

now that i am a BS- i am staying and trying for a marital recovery.

the truth is - WE CAN NEVER JUDGE SOMEONE ELSE'S ACTIONS IN A DIFFICULT SITUATION UNLESS WE HAVE BEEN IN THE SAME SITUATION.

My fwh says he has tremendous pain, guilt, shame, embaressment, etc, but i still feel that his pain does NOT compare to mine.

HE CHOSE TO CHEAT.

I DID NOT CHOOSE TO HAVE A CHEATING HUSBAND.

as much as he is sorry and feels all the regret and guilt- he had to NOT LOVE ME ENOUGH at the time he cheated.

if he loved me enough- he would have imagined the pain i would feel if he cheated- and NOT DONE IT.

at that moment - he loved himself more than me. he cared more about his own hurt rather than mine.

i am working with him on forgiving and making a new life together- but understanding that someone else purposesly gave me the biggest hurt of my life- is very difficult.

SF

I know what you all are saying about “I can’t believe I’m staying w/ a cheating spouse”. I watched cheaters as well and would laugh at how gullible some of those people were. I still can’t believe I’ve stretched this out, but at six months I’m reevaluating the situation. There are some positives to the situation though if you dig deep. Some BS wanted out of the marriage anyway, so they got an out that has everyone on their side if D occurs.(Kids/Parents/Friends/Sometimes INLAWS!!) Some BS slam it to the WS on the asset division because they take advantage of fWW fogginess, etc. I think some BHs dream of living the single life again anyway depending on age, so they are like, OK, sounds good to me. Also, if FWW is truly repentant and takes full responsibility for the A, then in my mind that is WAY more pain than the BS will ever feel. Having to live w/ that guilt. Kids hate you for Fn up their lives. No thanks! I’d much rather be the BS.

And yet you chose to be a WS with your RA . Now that you are a WS and a BS ofcouse you prefer to wear the BS hat cause it prevents you from having to take a good look in the mirror and take responsibility for who you are and what you have done. It so much easier to play the victim card than it is to be accpet remorse and responsibility for your own actions and "feel " and "get" the pain and work towards being a FWH.

I am mad at myself for even replying to this post arrrggggg but it makes me to think of how having an RA is an acceptable way to teach the WS a lesson so that they can "get it".

I agree with you that an RA is an unacceptable way to make your WS "get it", but the question of this thread was "do they ever get it?".....I'm guessing his WW/BW does now, but to only some extent.

Let me explain...

It seems that when wives start their affairs, they are looking for an emotional affair, then progress to physical (if the A progresses that far). Cheating men on the other hand usually start out in a physical manner, then move on to emotional aspects with there OW's (if the affair lasts that long).

So really, if a RA was to come about and it was enough to make your WS (newly BS) "get it", chances are that a BH would have to use a EA in order for his newly BW to hurt enough to "get it"...given the fact that most wives are more inclined to respond emotional than sexually (like their affairs were intended to do for them). And vice versa for a BW using an RA to make her WH (newly BH) "get it"...she would have to go straight to a PA in order to make him "get it."

Make sense?

In other words....you'd have to hit 'em where it hurts the most, like a WW did to BH by having sex with OM, or a WH did to a BW by having an affair on an emotional level.

JMHO