So really, if a RA was to come about and it was enough to make your WS (newly BS) "get it", chances are that a BH would have to use a EA in order for his newly BW to hurt enough to "get it"...given the fact that most wives are more inclined to respond emotional than sexually (like their affairs were intended to do for them). And vice versa for a BW using an RA to make her WH (newly BH) "get it"...she would have to go straight to a PA in order to make him "get it."

Make sense? [quote]

Nope sorry does not make any sense to me.

What you are saying reads to me like a how to " hurt your spouse the most manual ". Where is the marriage building in that.

Step 1 : Well if you are going to use an RA to help speed up the defogginess and recovery of your WS then if you are a Male then an EA is the best way to go vs if you are a female then the EA is the best way to get the most bang for your buck.


All that both parties "GET" is PAIN and a lesson that the only way to move forward is an eye for an eye. I am sure I could have made my WH "get it" by simply cutting off his *you know what* on D-day LOL.

Isnt the pain of one BS enough damage and adding a new BS to the situation helps a Wh "get it" how? Lets not even talk about the preying on an OP (cause we do need one to have a RA with) in order to use them in order to extract revenge on their S.

May be those posters who have had an "in your face" RA as a means to help their WS spouse get it and then moved forward to salvage their relationship need to step forward so that its more clear what % of the population this tactic has worked for. It seems counter logic to me. JMHO2.

You know...nobody is arguing with you, but you seem to want to start one....why? We all agree that an RA is unacceptable...what part of that are you missing? You can talk all day about how you think RA's are immoral, stupid, sick, deplorable, etc...but the fact of the matter is that it happens. Nobody here has said they did it to make their spouses "get it", why are you puting words in people's mouths.

I do have to ask you though...

If nothing I stated has to do with "marriage building", what exactly did you add to the thread with your post that does? Because all I see is personal opinions.

I certainly agree with everyone here- i DONT think that WSs can feel the same pain of the BS- how can they????

they KNEW the whole time that they were lying and having sex with other people and breaking their marital vows- while the BS had NO idea.

i liken it in my head - that no one can understand the pain of having a parent die- until it happens to them. no one can understand the pain of any of the great tragedies in life- until it happens to them.

i agree with whoever said that before D-day- i also had sympathy for the BSs i saw on TV- and said that they were STUPID if they stayed in a marriage with someone who cheated.

now that i am a BS- i am staying and trying for a marital recovery.

the truth is - WE CAN NEVER JUDGE SOMEONE ELSE'S ACTIONS IN A DIFFICULT SITUATION UNLESS WE HAVE BEEN IN THE SAME SITUATION.

My fwh says he has tremendous pain, guilt, shame, embaressment, etc, but i still feel that his pain does NOT compare to mine.

HE CHOSE TO CHEAT.

I DID NOT CHOOSE TO HAVE A CHEATING HUSBAND.

as much as he is sorry and feels all the regret and guilt- he had to NOT LOVE ME ENOUGH at the time he cheated.

if he loved me enough- he would have imagined the pain i would feel if he cheated- and NOT DONE IT.

at that moment - he loved himself more than me. he cared more about his own hurt rather than mine.

i am working with him on forgiving and making a new life together- but understanding that someone else purposesly gave me the biggest hurt of my life- is very difficult.

SF

I think people are people and an "original" WS is not necessarily better than an "RA WS" . I feel like if a BS wants to go out and have an RA or what ever else they need in order to have a "personal recovery" the more power to them. They need to realise however that any A (not the 1st nor the 2nd) is not benefical to their recovery of the M. So if they need to "feel good" and needed , I say dump the Marriage they are in and have a good time and find happiness.

The part I dont get is once you experience the damage with an A as a BS how can a BS "not get" how unhelpful it is to solving any maritial problems. Now instead of fighting one uphill battle it seems to me that there would be 2 hills to climb.

LOL - now I have gone and done it again, continued my opinion on RA's. I am going to go sit in a corner now.

I can't speak for all BS's who went on to have an RA, but in my case...