Well, Chai, here it is.

Been divorced almost two years and am very happy. My ex isn't.

He has been writing letters now for about a year and a half about how sorry he is and how he wants to get back. SchoolBus gave me a template letter to send him and I did, and he stopped writing or contacting me for about 3 months, but has started again.

Here's his latest -

Believer-

It was good to talk to you the other night. I have had to pay a price for being wrong. You were the one that didn't want to be married anymore, and I couldn't blame you. It finally took me five years to finally realize it was over.

I did learn several valuable lessons. One in psrticular is that prayer without some sort of action is dead! I prayed that God would soften your heart toward me, so we could reconcile. But that never happened. You seemed quite content with your situation.

I know things happen for a reaon and I'm sure more will be revealed. I'm glad we can still talk. You were a very good wife and I wasn't a very good husband. But enough about that, I will be eternally sorry for the awful things that happened.

Love always,
Mr. B

Anyway, I didn't DO anything. Just made peace with the fact that he didn't want me, and went on to make a good life for myself.

I've been feng-shui'ing my home today, getting rid of old things.

Here is a comment he made about MB -

"The one comment I will make about MarriageBuilders is (of course not to have a girlfriend)but also not to move out of your house (husband or wife) because that was the beginning of the end for us. You can't, or it is very difficult to express feelings or get things resolved from a distance."

Believer, I have a question...

I know the absolute basics of your story so you may have to educate me a little here.

If you gave up on the marriage to your husband, you divorced him... and there is no way you will ever get back together with him... Why are you still communicating with him?

If that's where you're at... just communicating with him may be giving him false hope that there may still be a chance that things could work out for you two.

In one of the last conversations I had with my WW last May she said something to the effect....


My feeling was.... HELLO????.... If I go through all the trouble and cost of divorcing you I will never never never get back together with you. We'll be done and I'll move on.

Amazin -

I communicate with him very little. I am polite and respectful to him. We don't have children together, but raised 8 kids - 4 of his, 2 of his step kids, and 2 of mine. So I want to get along. That is new for me, because I was so hurt before, I never wanted to talk to him.

You are right about the divorce. I hung in there for 3 and a half years, hoping to save the marriage. The affair ended less than 2 weeks after our divorce was final.

And the big problem is that I didn't take the advice here, and didn't wait for 2 years to start being interested in other men. So I have a gentleman caller now.

My ex knows all of this, but is kind of hard headed. Our whole marriage I followed his lead, and I guess he thinks I still will. Who knows?

Is he hanging on to false hope...

or...

Is there a chance that you will ever get back together with him?

Just wondering...

If I get divorced from my wife... I'm pretty sure I'll be totally done. I'll never talk to her or see her again for life.

(I hate to say never.... but that's how I feel)

I guess the whole point of this thread is to give newbies hope. My ex had his affair, I kicked him out on D-day (hadn't found MB yet), and had very little contact with him.

He would come by once in awhile with the coldest look in his eyes that I've ever seen. One time I was writhing and crying on the floor, he stepped over my body and left. Another time he came to get his Harley, and when I objected, he darn near ran me over.

So I subscribe to the theory that an affair changes them to a person that you would never recognize. But when the affair ends, they change right back.

That is hopeful...

I hate to put you on the spot... and I don't want to squash anyones hope... but you didn't answer my question.

Oops, guess I missed that.

You know, for years all I wanted was to recover the marriage. That was my heart's desire. And now that my ex has changed back to the man I married, I could see us being together.

However, I have another man who I love. And he hasn't betrayed me. He wasn't there when we raised our kids, when my grandaughter was born at only 2 pounds and ex and I spent every waking hour at her bedside. He wasn't there when my ex's 2 daughters got hit by a car while on their bike, and we prayed over them in intensive care.

In other words, my ex was willing to toss it all for his affair. And he did.

He knows about my other man, about MB, and he knows I won't go back to him. He seems sad, but it really isn't my problem.

B,

You're right...it isn't your problem...and keep it that way.

I'm glad you have a gentleman caller. You deserve a good fella.

Believer,

Thanks for starting this post. I think so many of us here are interested in your story for two reasons - 1. You were a BS who hung on for longer than most (trying to recover your M), but you let go and made a good life for yourself. You recovered yourself. 2. Affairs do end. You've always said that.

Do you think your X would recover if you expressed interest? What do you think that letter was all about. It almost sounded like he wanted to blame you - as in YOU D'd me.

Do you think if you had found MB earlier that you could have had a different outcome? How? By doing a Plan A or B?

O.K.

Thanks Believer. I was just wondering.

I remember one time you said that every BS has this grand dream that their WS will come crawling back... Yours did... and it's not at all what you expected. You said it just made you feel like... "what a waste"

I can relate though... Sounds like you waited for a long time and gave him plenty of time to come to his senses. But at some point you have to move on... It's unfortunate that he didn't wake up until after you took all the steps to move on.

I think my story just goes to prove what the Harley's say - that there comes a time when the BS is the greatest threat to the marriage. If a good Plan A followed by a dark Plan B isn't done, the BS will lose their love.

I think it is Frank Pittman that advises the BS to just go do something else with their life until the affair ends.

Chances are excellent that when the affair ends, the WS will be back. Somewhere the Harleys say that most couples will be back together.

B just wanted to drop by and say I am so happy for you that you have a wonderful love in your life now.
You truly deserve the best

Love

AW ( & Mikey .. nearly 3 can you believe it? lol :crosseyedcrazy: )

Hey B!

You know you're my heroine...

I will soon be joining you as a BS, life after D. WH did start the legal proceedings for divorce a few weeks ago and it should be fairly simple and quick.

Apparently he doesn't communicate much with his lawyer nor his lawyer with him....

I have a very nice lawyer, who seems to totally understand and is very gentle with me, which is great.

I'm longing to start my LIFE AFTER D, because this ambiguous life is too hard. Everything will be different once I can sell the house and move to my own place.

Believer,

At what point did you know that you were done? And how did you know for sure.

I have the appt. with my atty Monday, and I think I want to push for the D. I said I would wait a year, and I did. At this point, I'm not sure I want him back. Sometimes I think I do, but I wonder if it's just that I want an apology or just to know that he regrets what he did.

Just trying to identify and sort out feelings here. If you can help by telling me what you experienced, I would appreciate it.

Chailover,I feel the same way you do,I have lots of days where I wonder wether I really want him back.The divorce is in progress but moving very slowly.....
WH has said in the past "its only a piece of paper maybe we will get back together in the future" crazy talk!!
I told him that once we are divorced,I will never take him back...I had to draw the line somewhere...and keep my dignity

I never had any kind of closure, never woke up one morning and knew I didn't want my ex back. And I think one never knows what they will do until faced with the decision.

My ex's OW's ex husband (the other BS) always told me he would never take her back. He divorced her and started dating other women. But when the affair ended, he took her back immediately. He told me it was for their daughter, but they are still living together and it has been two years. He seems very happy.

And get this - he told me that it angered the OW when I talk to him, so I have refrained from contacting him. They are our neighbors so I see them daily. Yuck.

Just more proof that they want to keep us in the wings in case the A doesn't work.

I agree, we have to draw the line. I'm just not sure anymore. I've thought about what it would be like to recover, and at this point I would be trying to recover with a stranger. I'm not even sure that I have any feelings left because he is such a different person - secretive, deceitful, combative. Not even someone I want to be around. Then there is that part of me that just doesn't think that I can get beyond the huge degree of betrayal.

How do you know though???? That's what I'm struggling with. I don't want to feel like I made a mistake somewhere down the road.

B,

Looks like we were posting at the same time.

I guess at some point you realized that you didn't want him back, right? Was there ever any doubt in your mind? Is it something that you just know?

I realize that every person is different, but just trying to figure out if what I'm feeling is part of the process.

Funny that she is jealous of you now. Waywards dish it but can't eat it.

The thing is, when the affair ends, they change right back to the person they were before. At least my ex seemed to. During the affair he was cold and deceptive. Several months after the affair ended he was very sorry and kind to me. Just like the way he used to be.