I'm almost POSITIVE that your wayward friend's wife KNOWS that she is overweight and doesn't like it one bit herself. I don't know anyone who just loves being overweight and unhealthy :RollieEyes:

Also, I hope that this wayward friend's wife KNOWS of the affair. If not, WHY not?

Not long after I was married I started gaining weight. I gained weight because I was incredibly unhappy. All my ex cared about was himself and I was treated as if I were an unappreciated employee. Everything was "his" not "ours." My weight was his issue during the marriage yet he was unwilling to listen to what my issues were. I didn't matter. Therefore, because my overeating was emotional, I could never do anything about it until we were divorced. Then the weight came off. Now he wants to "come home" and I am in no way interested. If you numbered all the men on the face of the earth of which I would be interested, he would be last...dead last.

As the old saying goes, when you point your finger at someone else remember the three that are pointed back at yourself. Instead of offering criticism of your spouse's appearance, reexamine your relationship and see what part you may play in the situation. As I did, he/she may be living an unhealthy life because they are unable to express their needs or you may not be listening when they do.

[quote=_Larry_]
First of all, I have been called a chauvinist pig by some.


Larry,

I actually agree with everything you said.

If you don't take care of what you H wants with either 1.) an attractive spouse or 2.) admiration and fawning all over as YOU put it......there are PLENTY of women out there who will. Hard, painful lesson I had to learn. And of course, same goes for women...plenty of men out there who will step in and give them what they want/need. It's a shame, but it's true. Marriage vows don't mean much these days to a lot of people.

Heh heh….I HATE the muffin top! My friend taught me a trick about looking thinner that really works. Get a bigger size jeans! If the jeans are too tight you get the muffin top, if they are a little loose everything settles where it should be.

Well if you need motivation I can get on you about it!
I had the same problem about life getting in the way. I was doing well for about 6 months then nothing for over a year. One of my good friends told me about the boot camp. We had been trying to get together to do walks or something but with my 4 kids and her 2 we couldn’t find the time. When she said they met at 545 AM I thought she was nuts but I was willing to give it a try. I HATE getting up early; I am sooooo not a morning person. It took about a good month before I was looking forward to going. I still hate it when the alarm goes off but I know how good I will feel after I am done so I go. After a month I got one of my neighbor’s to go also. She was just like me, not a morning person and her only form of exercise was walking. Her husband is more of a morning person and also works out but doesn’t like to go for walks. She went with me and has been ever since. He is so proud of her because he knows how much she hates getting up early AND exercising but she does it. DH is proud of me too of course and greets me with a big smile when I get home after my work outs.

If you are anything like me you are going to have to make time and it will have to be BEFORE the kids get up. I know it stinks but if you can just make it through the first few weeks of he11 you will stick with it.

They're divorced now. I was sitting in their living room one day watching a ball game. They got into a fight over some stupid cookies. He said something along the lines of "I can't believe you ate all those and didn't leave me any." She responded "I'm getting fat just to piss you off." And then she went on to say something about it being his problem, not hers that she was fat and he'd have to deal with it.

I quit having anything to do with them after he decided to get strung out on meth and she started getting violent.

They sound like a barrel of laughs to hang out with, I can't understand why you cut them out of your life?
:RollieEyes:

When I was younger I would stay friends like this (I now realize they were toxic) for far longer than I should mostly because I was friends for so long I thought I had to stay friends. Now that I am older I realize I don't need to keep them in my life and there is nothing wrong with cutting them out of my life, I owe them nothing. With age comes wisdom....

TryingToLetItGo said something very important:

I used to get really bothered by this, I would think how dare he mention my weight when he is overweight, or I would think he must be shallow if my weight could affect the way he feels about me. I have learned now that my H is a very visual person and that does not make him shallow, it simply is who he is.

I think MOST of our society believes that if weight and physical attractiveness are important to a person, that person must be shallow. Our media tells us how important it is to be thin and glamorous, and we rebel against that (especially those of us who could lose a pound or two, or who love jeans and tee-shirts, or no makeup and pony tails).

If your W knows about the MB concepts then she'll understand your Openness & Honesty, and she'll understand the importance of an Attractive Spouse.

If she's not familiar with MB concepts then perhaps you could approach it this way. Tell her that it's bothering you, and that made you feel like a shallow pig... so you have looked into ways to "deal with" your feelings and learned that you're not broken at all, it's a very normal and natural way to feel. It's how you're built. Share the book with her.

She'll feel hurt, of course. Who likes being told something like that? But if you make it clear that you're telling her out of love for her and a desire to protect your marriage, and that you're telling her even though it's difficult for you to tell her something she wont' like hearing, well, she will appreciate that.

Yes, you tell your spouse they're getting fat and unattractive...you just do it in the nicest way you can.

Otherwise, you are being dishonest.

I met my wife when she was 130 pounds. Married her at 190, and that wasn't from being pregnant...it was from being lazy.

I let her know I didn't like it, but it didn't make me love her any less.

Now she's at 140.

Now, I wish she'd stayed at 190. I doubt OM would've bothered with her if she had been that heavy.

I would recommend you join a fitness club together...give it a couple months.

Maybe you won't have to say anything at all.

I think this is great advice. Don't insist on Barbie, if you arent Ken. Its a 2 way street. Approach it as a team effort - everyone could use to be a little healthier. She will feel less bombarded and cared for if you can approach it from a health stand point for BOTH of you.

I notice that I'm attracted to women who put in the effort to take care of themselves. I like women with extra pounds on them, but there is a limit.

I have gotten too big for my own tastes so I don't criticize at all when I'm with someone. I look at myself first.

I'm putting in the effort and am running.

I think it's good when I see a women do the same and put in the effort as well. Seeing someone put in the effort can be almost as attractive as actually having her lose the weight.

A little extra can also be a reminder of the love and sacrifice this woman has made for the family.

But some people have a self destructive attitude towards eating. My aunt is a good example. She's a great woman. She had a band inserted on her stomach to lose weight and it almost killed her.

The doc saved her and left her with a stomach the size of an egg. My grandmother, in her cynicism, says it must have been a dinosaur egg because it sure hasn't made any difference in the way my aunt eats!

A cruel inside family joke, but it was pretty funny when it was said.

In the interest of being fair:

I usually hear something about my weight within 5 minutes of seeing my family. It's either, "hey, you've lost weight" or "wow, you look so....robust".

My parents now simply say, "Lose weight or you're going to die and leave these kids without a dad, especially with your blood pressure".

So that's my motivation right now.

I can relate to this. Both of my parents were very obese. My dad had to start using a breathing machine because he had sleep apnea so bad from being obese. I finally had to tell them that they were going to die before their grandkids graduated high school if they didn't do something about it.

Amazingly between that and the doc warning them about what they were doing to their bodies, they've lost a ton of weight. They started cutting their food portions in half. Both joined a gym. Mom joined weight watchers. They can't believe the world of difference it made in the way they feel now.

I'm not fat in the sense of you look at me and say, "Dang, he is fat!"

I'm more of a Garth Brooks stocky type of fat.

Still not healthy.

Running 4 miles tonight.

You should tell you wife about your concerns but also evaluate if you are expecting way too much as well. My husband used to irritate me about my weight but it had to do more with his vanity than me. Yes I could have stood to lose 10 pounds but I was still attractive and nowhere near bursting at the seams. He did try to get both of us involved with more exercise and a healthier diet but that's where it ended. Problem was I had the same chores as before and he did not help me with those so that it could make it easier to go to the gym. I work a full time job just like him but also take care of the house and kids, even take care of his work travel...and that's just for starters. If you want your wife to make the time to exercise more, please help lighten the load elsewhere. I took the time to go to the gym and didn't do X, Y, or Z he'd then complain the house was clean or I didn't pick up his drycleaning, etc. WTF?!!!! It was a no win for me.

Both spouses should want to look attractive for the other and even owe it to each other to make the effort. However, men also need to realize that after childbirth, the added responsiblity of a family and a dozen or two birthdays later, that women aren't going to look like they did when they were 20.

I think you need to head over to the thread Always the apologizer and explain how this works to Ms_Manners.

You could leave little notes around the house in various places that say:

You are too fat
You are about 50 lbs too fat
You are overweight, please get healthy again'
I love you but U-R-FAT
FAT is not attractive
Fat, fat, fat

just FAT

FAT

FAT

FAT

Also, you could find out what is causing the fatness. And cure the problems that way.

It could be:

Lack of time to cook
Boredom
High calorie junk foods
High cal dinners
High cal lunches
Greasy Snacks
Too many children to care for
Pregnancy and the after effects
Depression
Hopelessness
Dislike of sex
Stress
Emotional problems
Family
Friend problems.
You, her husband.....

I was never good at this issue for most of my marriage. I never felt like I could say anything about her weight as I didn't think it would be viewed as anything more then a judgement. Unfortunately, I think my silence spoke more then anything I would say. If you don't say it, they'll assume it and may think it's more of a concern for you then it really is.

It's kinda funny though, as I had dinner with the wife and kids and I actually asked how much she weighed, with no backlash. It's much easier now as she's trying to lose weight and any respectful comment is just supportting what she wants to do.

I think the key thing is your spouse needs to know that they are safe with you first and foremost, but that doesn't mean we are perfect and can't do things like lose weight and learn to speak without being judgemental to help the love grow.

Whoa Stella! Ya tryin to get somebody KILLED??

lol...why not just tell him to put a picture of a pig on the fridge?....with his wife's name on it.