Devastated,
I totally understand how you feel. It seems the burden is often mostly on the BS to put things together, while the WS seems to go on their merry old way. In reading "Be Still" it helped me a lot...letting him accept responsibility for himself and for me to stop trying to figure him out and answer the "why". I will probably never understand "why" he could do that. I was a great wife, and what happened was the result of his decisions and choices. I have concluded that I will give him a chance, and it is up to him to utilize that for our best...if he does not, he will probably lose me ultimately. You see, I can't change him. I can determine what I will and won't live with. I can (and do) work on me. I encourage positive choices for our marriage. Beyond that, it is up to him.
Your husband is not being realistic or accountable. He caused much damage and hurt and in an effort to avoid facing what he has done, he is trying to minimize it or put it off on you. He created this situation and he should have more empathy for what he is putting you through instead of worrying about himself so much. Have you gotten MC? He should never put you in a situation where either of you have to see OW. Has he written NC letter? Have you read the materials suggested on this site? Do you have a plan?

Vow4good & devastated,

I agree with both of you......esp. about the part of it feeling like it's the job of the BS to put it back together. Boy is the idea of plan A hard. I see how it could work, but it sure does kill one's pride....probably a good thing though. In some ways it feels like begging the WS to say and makes the BS feel weak and needy. On the otherhand, I can see how it would be powerful in getting the end result.....a healthy marriage. So I ask myself, "What are you willing to do?", "Is it worth it?" I say yes if the end result is what we've both wanted all along. Super tough to do it though I must admit.

Hey everybody. I know its been a while but I'm back
I think I am going crazy. He cheated. I can't forgive him. I don't know how to live without him, but there is no longer any chemistry between us. He made a decision to be with another woman. I had no choice in the matter. However he wants a choice in my recovery, When, how, and how long. I have suggested we come on MB together but we never do. Suggested counseling but.....nope! He never wants to discuss us or this situation, my fellings or anything and he is fine as long as i dont bring it up. I have asked him to call or contact her in some way to assure this relationship is over but he cant or he wont. He justs wants it to be over and forgotten. He wants easy. If we split my children will be devastated but I don't know how long I can take this. He was my best friend. He took everything away from me. Now he wants us to be able to do things we did back then. He says he hates the tention and having to choose his words so carefully as to not upset me. Why does't he understand that he created this and he needs to find a way to fix it if it is going to be fixed. He never suggest anything except things we did as friends. I dont want to do any of those things. I want you to fix this I want you to concentrate on this like you did on her. He hasnt dealt with this yet. I haven't dealt with it. I am not convinced that he cares enough. I cring when he touches me and my blod boils. I cry constantly and have no one to talk to. When he says certain things or touches my all I see or feel is him with her. Why am I still here? I feel like such a fool. I feel like a very weak woman. Why am I still here? How do I leave? How do I stay? I need help. I am miserable.

I will make this brief, because I have tried to respond twice and my computer keeps shutting down, so I guess the main points I want to make are:
Don't believe him that its over!
Don't let him run this process!
Don't be afraid of exposure!!
Read Surviving an Affair and lots of posts here!
And don't ever forget that you are the stronger one!!!!
Take care and I'll post more when I'm not so frustrated with my computer!
BestFriend439
Me: 38
WH: 40
Kids: 12.11,4
Discovery day: 6/30/08 and again 10/25/08
Currently working a guarded Plan A

Devastated
Are you sure there is no contact? His word is NOT enough.

Can you live like this forever? Unless something changes, you will. It's not going to change on its own.

You have two choices...either you rock the boat or you don't and you settle with what you have now.

Your WH is not willing to help you R. That's the bottom line. What does that say about him? What does that say about the future of your M?

You can't make him do anything. You can only control you. So if you weren't scared what would you do?