http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8115_prob.html
Some interesting thoughts in there.

The 'portable a/c' is a slap in the face. It appears "generous"...but it is not. He got the A/C because HE was hot...not because the temperatures were unbearable to you or your grandson.
* I am JADED...can you tell?*
The calm before the storm...

You're not fighting blind...and that is half the battle.

yes I did sense this as well. But I believe maybe his guilt is dealing with him, because of his stubborness about hse thing. OR, he could have another motive, he mentions it is just as hot as his brothers but they won't break down and get portable A/C (when he was looking for AC on internet I asked him if he was going to purchase one for brothers hse, (this would be to assist him so he could sleep at nite, he immediately so "NO" im looking for one for us". Im just not sure, that is why Im going to post and update as we go, just for xtra support.


How do you make the quote thing work in your post? When I hit quote it takes the whole thing, how do I just quote little parts like you have done?

quote dingus


[*quote] copy and paste whatever in between [*/quote]

remove the * when you try it.

copy and paste whatever in between







[]

ok thanks

ok i understand, I just thought I was trying to just making a personal friend.

Update

Ok, since last weekend I have only heard from H one time. This is unusual from the last 2 weeks. He called me Monday nite mainly conversation was about ordering the window slides for portable AC he bought. Then I asked him to please transfer the money back into household account (this is the bill $$$) that I gave him for AC that I didn't want to run short on bills. That was Sun and this is Thurs and still not done. This has never been a problem when it comes to me having to pay an extra something that he wants and he covers it no problem, but this time there is no urgency.
Also I have sent him emails, no reply. I called him last nite to just feel him out and what was going on and also so that he couldn't say that I don't call him.
We talked small talk, he was very distant and really didn't have much to say. I told him his package had arrived that he ordered through mail, he mentioned oh well maybe I'll come up tomorrow after work, I said why wait until the weekend. He says oh, ok I won't then, I said well you complain about the long drive why for one day just wait until weekend, he said oh, ok. (this probably was not right on my part, I probably made him feel bad, but in my mind he would come up for his package but would want to come up to see me. He did inform me that his brothers were taking him to a wine festival to celebrate his birthday and I was invited to come down. This didn't surprise me. Last week I was working on planning a day or evening outing for his birthday, we talked about going out and having a luncheon on a riverboat or dinner on boat in San Francisco, etc. we were throwing around a few ideas. He decided not to do it last weekend and said we will do it on his birthday. Well, I guess that has changed. He wants me to come where he is at and go with him and brothers. He again mentioned it was a long drive to come home. This is going to be very uncomfortable to me, he doesn't even care to go to festivals here in town, oh well I know this is with his family so that probably makes it a little more interesting.
But in the past he has never really wanted to hang out with them because of their lifestyle. Maybe because whats going on with us, he feels at home with his family (brothers) regardless of their lifestyle, and maybe probably because they are on his side as to agree Im being the bad person of our problems, I know they have been talking about it and fueling the fire sort of speak.
I just feel very uncomfortable walking into it. But I can't refuse because it is birthday.

Brothers have never really made a big deal of his birthday, they don't come up because they say its too long of a drive. Usually husband will go by their hse on the way home to pick up his gift. But because H is on their turf now and the festival is going on so they figure lets make it a celebration. (???????). So I guess that is what husband wants to do. He again mentioned the long drive back home.

So my guess is I will drive down there for one day, and then will be driving back by myself home, because he will have to go back to work the next day.......

Brothers life style is so differnt then ours, he really has never like being around them too long,after a day or a weekend he was ready to get out of there.
It seems like that could all be changing...I have not seen or communicated with brothers for quite some time, they don't call the hse. Husband usually talks to them from work or on the road.
Has made plans to spend nite on Fri or Sat and then go to work from there, (reason, work on a car or something they need him to do). So Im sure they have been giving him some ideas about our situation and of course its all negative because in their eyes its always the woman that is wrong...........

yesterday I was pondering my thoughts, and I felt very used.
I felt like a one nite stand. The weekend was very good, and I actually was able to put my guard down a little bit (first time in a couple of weeks)i felt hope that we were going to get through this. But this weeks lack of communication and not much interest to talk with me, is making me feel used.

Why, am i feeling this way. its not the first time I have felt this way in our marriage.

Im waitng for him to tell me he is thinking about just moving down there.

Why am I feeling like this, I thought last weekend was a start?????But this week he is very distant, has no time to talke with me at work or out of work. What could be going on? Am I just being negative in my thinking???

I guess my insecurities are surfacing again.

Don't worry about him. Worry about you. Get your ducks in a row.

It's a game of cat and mouse. He knows you are short $$$. He's waiting to hear you bring it up....then he will pounce.

How have you been doing on the job hunt?

thanks,

On the job really nothig out there yet but Iam pursuing.I m waiting on a book someone recommended not sure if it was you. Somethng on Anger???
I should get it today.


I feel very sad right now, I think husband is giving up, no effort, no compassion how I recieve his treatment.
Oh, well can't say i didn't expect this could happen, after all he is down there with his brothers who he never really cared for as far as their lifestyle before and didn't visit much , if he did he didn't stay long. But I can only assume they are his best friends right now.

Im still waiting to hear from him on this birthday thing. I really look like a big heel if I didn't show up. So im hoping he will call before than, so we can talk about it.

thanks
for the reply

How are you doing?

You've mentioned several times that your dh's brothers have a different lifestyle to you. What do you mean by this, are they big partiers?

yes, they are drugs, alchol and women women. They are bachlors. they are real good at giving you the lines.

but other than that they are nice brother in laws or I thought they were. Not sure now, because Im not sure of what picture H has given of me with all these problems we are having in our marriage.

I already brought itup to him about $$$ got no response from him today.
So I'll let it go, but will be on guard in the future.

He is really turning out to be a person I never saw in these 16yrs. Whoa is all I can say..................

This nicee nice stuff and then negative afterwards just tears me up emotionally. Then when I have my guard up he says Im being distant. So go figure. These are the types of relationships I have had in the past. When things start going sour I always feel like its me, and they all have played these mind games with me, guess Im just a perfect target for it, they spend years getting to know my ins and outs and then eventually it seems like its all used against me when things don't work out. I just can't have a harden heart all my life, but when my guard is down oh boy can they do a whammi on my heart................

A lawyer is calling me tomorrow to follow up with a msg I left them that I was seeking legal advice. So pray that she will be able to give me good positive information on my situation.

What in the world am I going to do for his birthday. Right now the stage is not set up very good..................

No fun is it? What thrill does he get out of it? Probably nothing. Just doesn't have a better way of expressing himself...or has it all bottled up inside festering.

Sometimes, grabbing the bull by it's horns is the least painful. Maximal damage but less TIME is spent in the agony process.

Life is too short, and I have gotten too OLD to play stupid games with it.

It's the classic: You're not happy with me, I'm not happy with you, we either decide to work together and change that...or let each other go.

No this is not FUN. It messes up the head big time.
But I wrote email to H stating just this what you mentioned. That if he is not willing to positively work to restore this marriage then to let me now, it is only fair to let me know this.
I always felt like I was bugging him by calling, so I have put that on him, if he wants to talk positively about marriage then he will have to call me.
I told him that Iam not going to play his games any more, and that I will not allow him to hurt me emotionally any more,I told him you are in old school with your games, Im too old to play them been there done that. You control and try to instill fear in me, I will no longer allow this to go on.

I am speaking with Lawyer today, they are calling me this am. So I need to think about what Im doing and write down my questions.


Im concerned about my H birthday this weekend. If I don't hear back from him, guess Im not supposed to go. Wouldn't feel very welcomed, and if he doesn't call to talk about it, I guess ball is in my court. Gosh, I hate this, its like dealing with a child mentality, if I can say that. If I don't go, then he' ll thank I didn't care.
Am I sick in the head or what?????????
These emotions, up down, up down.

Jewel - I think you should try again to reach him today and ask him if he wants to see you for his birthday or if he has other plans. If his brothers answer the phone, tell them that it's important that he get your message that he will need to call you if he wants to get together this weekend. Chances are his brothers already know about your marital troubles anyway.

In the meantime, I would buy him a card and possibly a token gift - perhaps a gift bag with his favorite snacks or candies, perhaps a subway gift card or something like that inside if you can manage it. That way, when you do see him, you can feel at least a little better that you have something to give him.

Not that I think he deserves it, mind you. I'm just thinking about you and how your conscience works.

Just recieved call from Husband. He said he just called to say Hi and asked how am I doing. I told him having coffee waiting for grand baby to arrive.
I asked about his plans for birthday. He said he is not going, he is coming home. he stated that brothers were planning on going to festival with or without him so no big deal. I asked if he still wanted to do something. He said "Yes, something simple".
then he said he had to go.

Ok, (hehehe) now what? Im thinking did he read my email and is thinking about what I said or has he not seen my email and is thinking on his own about his actions or does he have an ace up his sleeve? This is where I have to get strong mentally and take off rose color glasses............

My daughter in law always comes over on H birthday and does something to make it special, cake,gift, she makes us dinner (a dish that she makes and is his favorite, grand kids make him feel loved, etc. Nothing big, because H doesn't like to make big deal of his birthday, so she does that, and then I usually take him out and we do something.

She does not agree in his actions and treatment toward me, but she is still nice to him and cordial. Because she knows we have been together many years and doesn't want us to part, so she tries to comfort me and stay friendly with H as well. She is a good person at heart, and this hurts her deeply to see us going through this.


Ok guys wish me luck on this weekend.
Here we go again.............

I am willing to bet it was really hard to write that email...and a strange sense of relief after you sent it.

Hope you got the information you needed.
He did...but he won't ever tell you that. Later maybe...but not now.
You called his Bluff.

He has less than 3 weeks now to busta move out of your life if his word means anything.

However:
1. He called you.
2. He canceled out on the Bday festivities with the Bro's.

*Maybe* the thought crossed his mind...that you might actually have had ENOUGH...

You hold the Power position. The difference, is You hold it for Both of you, where as he wants to usurp that on a basis of false entitlement.

Let's hope that reality *klonks* him one over the head and he wakes up and realizes that if he continues to shove the house issue down your throat....he will lose more than the lousy money. He loses you.

If he is willing to "sacrifice" and lose You in the bargain...you have all the answers you will ever need.

Check Mate.

Thank you Soolee for your concern

I have posted an update of this morning. He called me and is coming home I asked about birthday plans. He stated that brothers were going to festival any how with or without him so nothing speacial.He said we could do something simple (that means not too expensive or don't go way out with planning) or at least that is how I took it.

yes, Im thinking of somethng special, like buying ballons and put on outside of hse (I think that is cute, huh?) and then Im trying to come up with something special to do. Yes, it will take some $$$. I will get pd for babysitting next week, he likes comdeians, but I've checked in they are mostly in bar or lounge enviorement (which he doesn't care for) so Im brainstorming.

No, he doesn't deserve it. But at least I can show that Im on a positive note with this marriage, if he wants to join in great, if not it will be his loss not mine. Im doing the best Im capable of doing (without games, I have made it clear Im not playing his games anymore, if he puts it out there he will have to deal with the consequences. Im getting so tired of being on emotional roller coaster.

My H has not researched it out about dealing with marriage issues as I have been doing. So I don't think he knows the first thng about where to start to get on right track. I guess guys are not that interested to save their marriage. Althought I have read some really intersting posts here from guys that truly want to contribute to restoring the marriage. I give them soooooooooo much credit for doing this, they are compassion and really do love their wifes.
I believe at one time H really loved me, but the only way he knows to show it is materialistically. This was all good for me for many years, but now I see it clearly that is not neccessarily love, so Im trying to change that, by not accepting his influence that he would buy me this and that.........Know what I mean.

thank you so much for the reply.
I haven't heard from you for awhile, thought I lost your support, which i do appreciate from everyone. This is a very hard time for me, I do appreciate all suggestions and the moral support.

How are you feeling today?

SoulDragoN


THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR YOUR SUPPORT. I WILL KEEP YOU UPDATED.

IM TRYING THE BEST WAY I CAN.

LAWYER IS CALLING ME THIS MORNING

I know...cuz it hurts like H*ll. It's brutally hard to think CLEARLY when in this sort of chaos. BUT...you HAVE TO...cuz if you don't, no one else will.

Suggestion: If they don't call you back before 1100AM ...CALL them.

Be a gentle pest if necessary...like butterflies...they tickle...but you'd never slap one away.

Your H is in a NASTY spot right now. Keep that in mind for the present. He has backed himself into a corner. He HAS to DO something...

I hope he comes round to recognizing the fundamental stupidity of his premise for dropping the ultimatum on you. ...and MAYBE ..somewhere deep in his entitlement addled neurons....something FIRES. * Game Over *

Sending you strength.