I'll think about it but I'm not sure. She was very hurt when I told her I was too tired and she seemed to withdraw. I agree she is trying to bring us together with it, but maybe it is the only time she really feels safe right now? I want her to feel safe enough to tell me the whole story, even if that means I can't stay after the 6 years.

Could some women give any insight here? A WS would be really helpful

Need some quick advice,

She sent me an email to let me know she was doing the writing. Then at the end she asked if I was going to tell the kids about the A, interestingly first time she called it an A. It is going to hurt to read her account.

I'm pretty sure the older ones at least suspect. What do I say?

I think it's something you can talk about later, after all of the truth is out. My first instinct is no, unless the OM is still part of your family's life in any form or fashion.

I guess the best answer would be "no, for now".

OM was not married at the time and I have not followed him around since the A, so I guess I don't need to tell anyone there either.

Both sets of parents know, but she probably does not realize that. If she did she would understand why her parents love me so much.

I'd be careful about setting conditions like that. You could just say "we'll discuss that afterwards".



In the spirit of full disclosure and "radical honesty", I think she needs to know that both parents know and what you've told them about her A, after she's come clean with you.

OK thanks,

I'm sending

"Please, tell me what happened, I've earned that. We can talk about who we tell afterwards."

I will tell her that our parents and siblings know my side of it. I was not keeping that secret but she probably does not realize how often they were over here helping me during the A.

How about "Please, tell me what happened, I've earned that. Afterwards, we can talk about who needs to know, and what, if anything, we should tell them."

It sounds like you have been run through the emotional wringer this weekend!
I apologize for not keeping up over the weekend - I tend to stay away from the computer on weekends.

In reading through your thread, and hearing how the sadness is overwhelming, all over again, I was thinking that what you are going through is cleansing the wound that has been bandaged up for so long.

This has been a large, gaping wound, that has not been cleaned out, but a bandage was hastily thrown onto it, until you can finally get the help you need. When you finally took the bandage off, and expose the wound to the light of day, it will ooze and cause you pain for several days. But then, the healing begins, and the wound starts to heal - for good! No more holding the bandage together with bits of gauze and tape. a real, true healing.

Allow youself this time to grieve, you have held it togehter for long enough. This is your time for healing. Open it up and let the sun in. Get it all out.

Something else I was thinking of here - you really need to set your boundaries, tell her what they are in a non-threatening way, and then stick to them. I suspect that you have spent most of your adult life avoiding conflict. Your W was in an active A for 2 years (?) while you were at home, quietly keeping the family together. Her own parents knew what she was doing, and were helping you! That was very kind of them, - but she doesn;t even realize that they know about her A?!Do you see how ridiculous that is now? You have been sweeping way too mych stuff under the rug.

None of this is your fault - please do not think that I am trying to blame you. But instead of dealing with your M troubles head on, 10 years ago, and telling her you would not take that crap from her, you hid your feelings away, and quietly planned your D. You are on a great path right now - you are learning to deal with your problems. You need to start setting your boundaries with her - telling her what they will be, in a nice way and then stick to them. You will feel better about yourself, and your M. And then, even if this M does not survive, you will have much better skills to take w/ you into the next M.

Starting with - if you want all the details, insist on it! Tell her you expect it all, and set up a time and place to talk. Tell her that you know how painfull it is, but you will not settle for less than the whole truth. Your M is at stake here, if you need to hear the whole story, than say so. You do not need to wake up every morning wondering IF she is going to give you the details, and WHEN she will do it.

It is ok to ask for what you want. It is that simple. Ask for what you want, and need.

WOF5,

I am asking that now, I did tell her I want to know who, what, when, what went where. Who she told about what? There is a whole list in the journal.

We used to have conflict, but when the family was on the line and I had a short cut I took it. Then we stopped because I didn't care enough. I still don't but at least the guilt got me moving.

I need to think about boundaries. It is possible that her mother Gave her a swift kick in the a$$ back in june before the SF went turbo crazy. She did go for a visit then because her father had pneumonia. I know, for a fact, that her mom sings my praises to anyone who will listen. Her own boys are jealous.

One thing about the turbo Crazy SF (which does make sense to me by the way, as odd as that is)

Many times, as women, we think that the only way to get a man, or keep a man, is with SF. Especially if her self esteem is very low - which it probably is since the guilt is so strong right now. As women, we may think that we do not have much going for us, but at least we know how to please our man. I suspect that is what is going on with her right now. You say that you tried to tell her that you were too tired for SF one night, but she started crying, so you gave in. I suspect that she was worried that she wasn't able to do the one thing she knew how to do to save her M. Make sense?

So keep that in mind when you relate to her. She is coming to you from a point of absolute panic right now. Keep the momentum going, to build a new R. but tread lightly on her feelings. Don't remind her that her own Mother likes you best.

Hang in there.

Any word from her on when she is going to reveal the truth?

6yl,

I'm willing to venture that your wife will include an apology in what she is writing up.

Not sure what it will look like, but the crying tells me she is ashamed and remorseful.

Her response to what you said about her having sex with T also tells me she can't deny it, and she also called it an affair, has fears that you will tell the children, and she is working on her confession letter. These are all things that tell me that she is taking this seriously, and has a lot of fears - losing you is just one of them.

I see some turning in you, too. I think you have some fears in this - what is it that you fear?



I'm not sure what the SF means. I wonder if she has realized something that so many women realize, which is that we don't understand that men connect to us via SF and we connect to them via talking (generally speaking, mind you!). If she's been looking at information and reading things, and trying to gain a closer relationship to you, trying to fix it, the SF might be a part of her plan - she might have a plan!

Maybe once she started the SF plan, she might have found out that she enjoyed that SF, and that it actually improved her sense of connection to you - filled her EN's. So she increased it. I'm just surmising here, so it's just a guess on my part.



Oh- back to the apology. My H apologized right away. He begged forgiveness. He asked me to forgive him, cried, apologized, over and over on d-day. He told me he knew that he deserved NOTHING from me, that he expected NOTHING, and all he could do was apologize and hope that someday I would find a way to forgive him.

But that he would never expect me to forgive him. If I did ever find a way to do that, he would be in my debt forever, but that he did not deserve it.

He said my forgiveness would be a gift, and he would know it was something given that he NEVER DESERVED. He said he would spend his life earning it, and would never be able to earn, no matter how long he lived.


Wait and see how your wife responds. She might surprise you. There might be something worth saving in your marriage.


SB

WOF5, SchoolBus,

She is working on writing up everything and wants to give it all to me at once. I'm being patient and giving her space to do it. She will probably be done tonight.

I do think that WOF5 is right about the SF. She used to be enthusiastic with me and once we started probably just fed on itself. As I said, I'm better built and better technique than years ago, at least somethings get better with a little age.

I am afraid that I will get hurt again. I'm numb right now but I am smart enough to realize that if I expose myself again then I can get hurt again. I'm not like the people who are newly crushed here, but I remember what it felt like when I first knew what was going on. At one point she actually told me lets go to counseling so I can help you to accept that I never loved you and we need to get D. That hurt, it even hurts some today. I'm concerned that when I read everything I will just be filled with hurt/hate/rage/sadness... I hope she does include an apology, at least then, even if we D, I can try to forgive.

You have to stay calm while reading the letter and afterwards.
WW is putting herself on the ledge by telling you what happened.
She needs to continue feeling safe to keep talking about the affair. If you go crazy, and this has nothing to do with or whether not that you are entitled to blow your top. If you can not stay calm then you most likely cause WW to shut down and never talk about what happened during the affair again.

Next it will not be wise to question and talk about the affair everyday. Best to limit it to two evenings a week. Say Tuesday and Wednesday. For one hour.

Being the affair is over, and your family never see's OM then it is best to not tell the kids. I would tell WW who does know about her PA.

The Road,

I'm going to take it off by myself to read. I am very disciplined and would not explode, but I need to do this by myself. I am one scary guy when I need to be, ex military, but like so many serious people I'm almost always the calmest guy in the room.

We never talk about the A since this just got started. I can agree to limit it to two nights a week.

I have been thinking and I have a question. How can she possibly provide me compensation for this? I read that Harley doesn't believe in just a blanket forgiveness. I have no idea what she can do. Right now, I don't want anything from her. If the kids didn't need a mother I would be fine if she just went away.

Is it ok to say something like "You threw me away but I stayed anyway. I have made myself a husband that you want and love, but I don't want or love you. Because of the kids you have 6 years but I don't know how you can fix it."

W just emailed me her letter. I'm going to go read it, I'm sure sending it before I leave work means she wants me to read it before I come home. I'm going to need some help, I feel like I'm going to throw up.

6,Lots of people are following your story and hoping for the best for you and your family.

Thanks,

It was bad, made me physically sick. She did apologize sort of. She has all the letters they sent because he gave hers back when he dumped her. They are at home for me to read.

I asked her to please go to her mothers house for tonight so I can read them, and not to take the kids. She said she will see me tomorrow, but I told her not to come home until I asked her to. She said "I love you". I said "You have six years to fix this."

I'm going to see my kids now.

I debated about posting to you as I am no expert. But I empathize with the pain you are feeling. You are right in the middle of the relationship car wreck and there is no shortage of pain for everyone around. You feel it, your wife feels it, your kids feel it. I venture to guess you being the man may feel some responsibility to have the answers on how to best deal with the situation in the most "professional" manner. Take charge and do a good job. Forget it if that is how you feel. I have been that way all my life and right now I am separated from my wife. Yea relationships can be hard. But right now it is OK for you to feel numb and hurt and sick and angry. So now you know you are human and at least you know your emotions work. And it is going to feel crappy for some time to come. But that is when the life lessons can sink in.

I have been doing some lurking here for some time now and I am feeling pretty beat up. Someone posted that I am responsible for 50% of the relationship, and that perhaps there was something in me that needs fixing because my wife went looking elsewhere. Initially I wanted validation for how I felt. But now I just want to fix the relationship, so I am now in the process of trying to find out how to be a loving husband.

I thought all you had to do is provide, be loyal, faithful, be a rock. Nobody told me about emotional needs. Not until I got here. I thought they were speaking a foreign language.

So not now but later, after you get a chance to recover, have a look if you had a role to play in her looking elsewhere. I have been doing that and it sucks! I hate to admit it but I let her down and did not give her the support she needed. I was a good corporate exec, efficient, reliable, strategic blah blah blah who cares. At the end of the day all you have is your family.

Just Learning said something in one of his replys that really hit me hard. That was "watch an older couple, see how the interact, they have developed a short hand method of communicating, 'a wink' a nod, a touch in as special way and a whole meaning is communicated". What a goal to be attained. To get beyond the hurt and the pain to work out that level of intimacy.

It would be easy to run right now. They call that denial. That is not working through the pain. I have read that history repeats itself so if we don't solve the problem we face now we will get the opportunity to face it again. You just get a temporary break until the problem gets to find you again.

Just know that there are those of us out here praying for you. My heart aches to know the pain you are experiencing. I can understand how much it hurts you. Hang in there. I'm rooting for you.

Blessings

6,

I think I can safely say the whole MB community is hurting for and with you right now.

Please do not do any thing rash.

You have been waiting years for the truth. Now you have more of it, and an apology. How many of the posters here would give anything for what you now have? Many.

You still have 5 children to consider. I understand this. Just one short year ago, I was enduring my 4th d-day in 2 years with an unrepentant spouse. I would have, should have left. It was horrible. He was horrible.

BUT....

We have a 14 YO special needs son, with a serious mental illness AND autism, who desperately needed both his dad and his mom in the same place, together, in a loving family.

What to do?

What to do?

How can anyone figure this out and stay sane?

My devastation and need to move on? Or my son's inevitable destruction if his family folds?

I decided, devoid of feeling, to give it one last shot. Not for me, not for my H, but for my son.

My H decided, probably also devoid of feeling, to give it one last shot.

Today, my son is in an emotionally safe home, and his parents are together and in love again. A year ago I would have not believed it possible.

No one here would have criticized me if I had kicked my H to the curb. It would have been in many ways easier.

But I would have missed much goodness, and my son would have been devastated.

Please think about this.