"lol...why not just tell him to put a picture of a pig on the fridge?....with his wife's name on it."

Oh I am cracking up here! Put that on the fridge and then a big target on his back! She may actually find it funny.....!

I am in a strange mood today!!!

Hey is it OK if you sent the heavy spouse to a two or three week "fat farm"? They get relaxation and lose about 14 lbs there before coming back home. Learn new habits, etc.


Many of these are called "Spas"...

My WH started gaining weight shortly after we were married. I tried bringing it up many times. When I gave birth to my first child I put on some weight myself and he gave me a book on weightloss and said lets do this program together. I was all for it. We started together, however he quit when it got too hard. I lost all the weight and even got in better shape than before I was pregnant. He not only didn't he lose weight but continued to gain more. After many years of trying to help him I finally broke down and told him I was sexually unattracted to him and I really wanted him to do somehthing about the weight problem. He had gone over the obesity line and I couldn't let it keep getting worse.
His reaction was to have an affair. He had more than one, even one with a personal trainer he hired. I guess he was deeply hurt by me being honest with him. I tried to tell him in a loving way but there is really no easy way to say something like that. I guess he figured he'd find someone else to have sex with since he thought I couldn't be attracted to him. It's sad and painful.
I don't think every spouse would have such an extreme reaction but I just thought I'd share what happened to me. If I could go back and do it over again I would have been up front and stern about the weight before it got way out of control. I also would have made it very clear before we got married that I expect both of us to stay healthy and fit throghout the marriage, to the best of our ability anyway. I mean there is a big difference in someone who gains 5-10 lbs and someone who gains 50-75 lbs or more. Don't let it start and be honest but loving. Good luck.

If you really love your spouse like you are supposed to, then his/her weight should be a non-issue, except when long-term health is threatened.


"Waaaaaah! Waaaaaah! You're not hot enough for me anymore!"

As if you are God's gift. Give it a rest, stud. :RollieEyes:

It makes my blood boil to hear a spouse complain about, or even leave their spouse because they've put on some weight.

It happens, ****EDIT****. If you're the "skinny" spouse right now, congratulations. Wait a few years...you'll learn all about extra pounds.

If you happen to one of those perpetually skinny people, you will likely die the first time you have pneumonia as a senior citizen, when your body has about 3 extra ounces to burn off before it starts consuming your muscles and internal organs.

But at least you weren't fat, right?

LMAO and

Wow, a lot of DJs there.

K71:

Have you read ANYTHING on this website except this DB?

About this:


Please go and read the emotional needs section on this website.

You to Black Raven.

Physical Attractiveness (PA) was not listed as an EN by Dr. Harley because "it didn't matter" It was listed because, when it DOES MATTER, it can make for ALL Sorts of problems.

IF PA isn't one of YOUR top EN's, then your right, it doesn't matter and your spouse can get as blotto as they want too.

Is your spouse getting fat a reason to have an affair? Sure, or not getting enough SF, or Admiration, or Financial Support. All of them are excuses. And that is ALL THEY ARE. It is a CHOICE to have an affair.

Can you talk to your spouse about thier weight? Sure. But you don't go in today and say "Your Fat, get on that treadmill" It takes alittle more than that. You really have to learn about Openess and Honesty. And understand each other when you start talking about weight, or money, or lack of SF, or, whatever.

LG

PS:

I can have fun to: Things not to Say

What? I laughed at a comment so I have to go read the EN of PA? Perhaps you missed my post on page 4. I'm all for taking care of oneself and think they even owe it to his or her spouse.

I used to be a Prism Weight Loss Director, and one night we covered a whole list of reasons why people overeat...we filled up an entire chalkboard! People overeat because:

Emotional fulfillment
Societal pressure
Celebration
Depression era: Taught not to throw away food
Mindless eating/boredom
Reward
Addiction
Misunderstanding sense of fullness
Lack of understanding the concept of calories intake/burning
Partner in crime (H & W eating together as enjoyment)
Unaware of consumption
Fat barrier (rape victim)

The list goes on and on. For each reason we came up with solutions. Sometimes just troubleshooting why you became like you did and looking for a way to combat it, you can come up with simple solutions to change it.
Do not let anyone dictate to you that you need to eat when you don't.
Come up with other creative solutions for celebrating, rewarding, emotional fulfillments, etc.
Educate yourself and become aware of what you need, how much, how often. When you think you're hungry and look at the clock and know biologically you are NOT, ask yourself what it is you are REALLY needing! (read "Flip your Flab Forever" by Harold Hill)
Communicate with your partner about your goals and enlist their supportiveness with your efforts. Understand sometimes they miss their "partner in crime" and also suffer withdrawal from what you used to share (i.e. a bowl of ice cream every night). Be understanding of that yet firm in your resolution. Remind your partner of the rewards that will come as a result of sticking to your goal. Be aware that partner may become uncomfortable with your "new self" as they now have to deal with other's attention to you, but reassure them of your love and commitment to them and don't let their insecurity deter you from your goal.
Do not give in to mom about "just another helping". "Abusing yourself with overeating will not help the starving children in China." Learn to say "No, thank you." Until you are strong in your resolutions, there may be some people and situations you need to avoid.
Learn healthier substitutes.
Limit deserts, carbs, fats.
Eat on smaller plates.
Weigh and measure your food.
Track your food.
Analyze when you feel like eating and why.

Sometimes the smallest changes can add up to big results.
Incorporate exercise into your lifestyle, start with a mere 10 minute walk a day. Don't make your goal so hard that you are setting yourself up for failure, but rather set reachable achievable goals that you can be successful in...you can always up the ante later!
Buy a knock-out goal weight outfit that you want to get into. Or better yet, buy some in different sizes along the way! You will feel good about yourself as you see yourself get into them.
Reward yourself with a bubblebath, a new outfit, a pedicure, etc...anything not involving food!

I wasn't saying it is wrong to talk about your spouse's appearance. On the contrary, I stated earlier that you are obligated to, or else you are being dishonest.

I was referring to those who devalue their spouse because of their appearance, especially weight gain.

I hardly blinked when my W put on 70 pounds in a year. I never considered not marrying her, and certainly never considered cheating on her because of it.

Those who do are shallow fecal matter, in my opinion.

Sure, with any luck maybe my spouse would send me to one! Sounds good to me!

Vows I am going to take some of your good advice here. I need to lose 15 lbs at least. thanks

So my H has his affair, and one of his foggy reasons was


that I was too fat.


His so-called sexier OW was about 10 pounds lighter than I was (and 2 inches shorter), so I don't see how that makes a big old difference................anyway.

My H had been on this weight loss thing. He had lost down to 205 (which for him was fine, but let's just say he isn't svelte).

So, I decide, okay, meet that EN. I go to losing weight. I lose lots of weight, because I agree I could stand to lose weight, and along with my H, we both could.

I kept losing. H, not so much.

I kept losing, H begins to gain back. .


Me? I lost, and kept off, 55 pounds.


H?????? He remains at around 218.


Now, everyone complains I'm too skinny.


WTF?????



I cannot win. So, I just eat when I'm hungry, I don't eat when I'm not, and everyone can just shut up!!!!!


I weigh what I weigh. And for the last two years, it hasn't changed. I've pretty much told him that I am no longer taking solicitations or comments regarding my body style, unless he would entertain the same regarding his.

He remains silent in response.

SB

Finally, a post on this thread that makes sense!

My wife and I have dealt with so much crap that 'weight for attraction' seems so shallow. For health I understand but for sex.....please!!!

I've always been a pretty fit guy. I've been slipping a little as of late from the depression...after dday I lost about 20 pounds, then I gained back about 10. Problem is it all went straight to my belly. But, KMS had an affair with a fat slob...so the way I see it is I'm pretty much free to eat whatever I want.

I disagree to a degree. I know when I look good (my idea may differ from others of course) I feel better about myself overall and that leads to less inhibition with sex. I want to look good not only for my spouse but for myself. I don't live and die by the scale but I can see having an issue with attraction when you married someone who then packs on 100+ lbs, there's no medical reason for it and they just don't care what they look like. The majority of us will gain weight as we also wrinkle and grey but many still put on make-up, color their hair or make some effort to look good.

I have to agree. Before we marry we do all sorts of things to make ourselves attractive. We color our hair, put on make up, dress nice.... is that all shallow? Why stop doing those things after marriage? Why not try to keep looking attractive? I mean age happens but that's life. Your weight is something you have control over and piling on pounds of weight and just not caring is inconsiderate. Not only does it affect your looks but your health and well being. Being over weight (especially as you get older) leads to back problems, sleep apnea, diabetes, imputance and many other issues. Those who are not concerned about their spouses weight gain lessening attractiveness SHOULD be concerned about their health. Eating disorders are addictions and should be treated as such. There are many obese people who eat soley for comfort and can't stop. It's destructive and it's also not healthy for your children to see their parents this way.
Forcus on being health and active. Most people who change their eating habits and are active DAILY will lose weight and feel better. I don't know any over weight person that lost weight and said "boy do I regret losing weight". Listen to sucess stories. They are happier people. Their spouses are happier and the feel much better about themselves for doing it.

Rant warning:

As a woman on the lower side of 50, I have to say something here. This is a pet peeve of mine so if anyone gets offended, please remember it's MY deal.

I do not understand why women feel it's necessary to "color their hair" when they get older. What's wrong with gray hair (or silver)? I have hair past my waist and it's beginning to turn gray in strips (finally I have natural highlights!). I LOVE it! I fully intend to let it all go gray (silver) naturally. Do women cover this up because society says it makes us look better?

What really turns me off is to see a woman my age with bright red/solid black/platinum blonde hair with an inch of solid gray roots. Gross! It's obvious they're trying to look younger, but if you're going to do it, at least do it right! LOL

And another thing... why do women my age mostly wear very short hair? I don't get that. It's like an unspoken rule that you can't wear your hair long after a certain age.

My grandmother NEVER cut her hair. She had long beautiful flowing silver hair that she wore in a braid and then twisted the braid into a bun. But when I was little, I can remember her taking her hair down at night to brush it. It was gorgeous.

And another thing... the weight deal. I've never had a weight problem my whole life, even after four kids... until lately. My metabolism has slowed to almost a halt after going through the big M and now I can't seem to lose weight very fast. I'm not fat by any means, but I HAVE put on a few pounds in the last 3-5 years.

During my H affairs, I lost around 20 pounds doing the infidelity diet. I've always wondered if it had something to do with the amount of tears shed. Anyways, I've regained that weight and am having a hard time trying to shed it again (for me). It hasn't lessened my H's desire for me (I hope) but it does made ME feel uncomfortable.

Sorry for the rambling... just my 2 cents.

Krazy you are on a roll today!!!

But to make an actual contribution to this thread, I'd like to address this:


I can buy this. But only if it is also a ligitimate EN to have a spouse that won't judge you for your appearances. Because I think I may have this particular one. Really.

It's common for spouses to change their top EN's.

I don't see a problem with someone saying that Physical Attractiveness moved up in their top EN list.

If PA wasn't in your top EN's to begin with, then your W should have taken that as a compliment.

If it is now...then she has a choice to make.

It's not on her to have to make that choice (the choice to have that EN in the top 5 was yours)...but she has a choice to make nevertheless.