6 - Over the last week or so it appears as if you have been drinking from a fire hydrent.

Why not take a break from this for a day or two. Nothing will change. The situation is going to be the same. This site will be here. Youe wife will be there.

Maybe a "day off" from this will refresh you and you might gain some insight by focusing on something else.

6,

Just really catching up on your situation. I do Krav as well, it is a really good way to pound on somebody and expend a lot of energy, good to be tired and have a beer.

I am amazed at your ability to handle this for 10 years, and partially understand what you are going through, but yours has to be more severe than my D-DAY. I was suspicious for only 8 months or so, and it nearly ate me alive from my guts to my brain. Then all was amazingly revealed to me by accident, I had the proof I needed to confront, did so, and got the confession.

At that point my IC and Chaplain both said what JL is telling you, make no life-changing decisions for 6 months. It is tough.

I can't imagine going 10 YEARS with the anxiety that I only experienced for 8 months, and then D-DAY. The pressure I felt released was like an overcharged fire extinguisher to your super-charged natural gas well, yours is monumental.

I am not the most experienced here, but I agree with JL, take some time to think, alone. I have changed my mind about what is the wisest course of action probably a hundred times, and thanked God that I waited and didn't do what i thought was a good idea the day before.

As to snuggling, sorry, I couldn't do it if I were in your shoes right now. That's just me. No need to be ugly or angry towards her, but snuggling, I couldn't go there after 10 years of deception.

I'm thinking and just taking a day or two away from it all like you guys suggest. I'm able to be polite at home. We did the SF, not a real emotional thing, but we both are hurting and it seemed to help some.

She ordered SAA book for me to read, and HNHN for her. I'm not going to pick it up for a day or two though.

6,

Would your wife come here and post on her own thread? We have had several couples do that. There's a lot we could teach her about things she needs to do for you and for herself to heal.

Princess,

I'll think about it. I don't want her here yet.

Im just catching up with this thread as well.

wow.

Youve come a long way in a very short time. It really is something.

Your question on whether or not you can really get over this? Yes, you can. I asked myself that many many times over the past 2.5 years since my own d-day and I truly believe it is possible. It can be done with alot of hard work and a committed repentant spouse. Not easy though.

Ive also felt like you, feeling like I really didnt want to be involved with someone who has betrayed me in such a horrific way, that I wanted to be with someone who has never cheated on and lied to me. I still do feel that way sometimes, but it does get better. With every kind deed, every time my H meets an emotional need of mine, my love bank gets a little less in the red and this feeling fades.

I am struck by how much you remind me of my husband. Similiar personalities, same coping mechanisms. No wonder you feel so lonely. Youve been isolated for so long.

I remember being absolutely dumbstruck after d-day when my H remarked that he didnt think that I "cared" whether he had an A or not. He never felt safe enough to share how isolated he felt, how unappreciated and unheard. He just assumed on his own that I "didnt care" because he never felt cared for. He never told me how he felt, so I never had a chance to change that, to care for him in a way he needed.

Do you think that is what is going on in your situation? For 10 years, she hasnt cared for you. Did you tell her how? What you were feeling? Did she even know?

JK,

You are right that I have not asked for anything for 10 years, because during the A and WD, I had that beaten out of me with constant threats of D and abandoning the kids. So I stopped asking and never started again. You are right that I am lonely, but I have good friends.

I'm going to tell her what I need to feel better. I can't even imagine what I would need to actually stay or even want to stay.

6,

I’ve been where you are and felt exactly the same way. I gave my wife a long list of things that she needed to do for me to even commit to trying At the time, I really didn’t think she could do it and even if she did I didn’t know if I would be able to get over what she had done. But, it was amazing how quickly I was willing to commit to recovery when I saw how hard she was working at trying to make up for the pain she had caused. If you would like to read the list, it is pretty early in my thread on GQII.

You are very wise to take a break for a while. You’ll know when you’re ready to move forward. Just take care of yourself and your kids and continue to hit the gym or find other ways to escape to give yourself a break from all of this crap. Any man strong enough to endure 10 years of abuse like this is certainly strong enough to do what needs to be done to heal himself and possibly his marriage. Just remember that you don't have to do it all today. Remember the old saying. How do you eat an elephant? One bite at a time.

6YL

Having good friends is wonderful but no substitute for an intimately connected relationship. We all long for that in our lives. It makes us whole.

Your W basically love busted you into silence. She forced you to go underground, as it were, with her threats and anger. Boy, is that familiar to me. I did the same to my FWH. You see, in my family that sort of thing was just normal dysfunction. To my H however, it was anything but. He grew up in a family where expressiveness was not encouraged and he learned very quickly not to divulge much of himself. And he was horribly lonely for many years. He felt taken advantage of, unheard, uncared for and utterly dead inside. Much like you must feel, I suspect.

What he didnt realize was it was a self imposed prison. He didnt have to live that way. When he took a chance and opened up to me, he was shocked by my responsiveness. He never knew that he meant that much to me and what lengths I was willing to go to for him. I suspect you might be surprised as well.

Fill out an emotional needs questionaire. Start there. You dont have to figure out everything right now. Let her know how to meet your emotional needs and let some goodwill build up.

Hey Guys,

Late night, I'm having some problems sleeping. I don't really think I need a deep relationship to make me whole. I have 5 great kids, who I raised. I'm physically and professionally in a good place. I have good friends.

But I'm still a man. I would like to have someone to have sex with who actually loves me and who I love back. It might seem juvenile to you but I'm kind of hopeless about getting that. I'm really down again. I understand that is to be expected but it is tough. I'm questioning the whole last 10 years. It has been so long it is hard to see this actually getting better. Here is a problem I have.

My wife is apologetic, but seems crazy since she insists that she has always loved me since we met. I don't even think she loves me now. I think she likes SF with me, I am nice to her and she knows she can't do better. How can I trust a person I think is crazy.

6
I have been watching your post and I feel your pain. Has your wife been to councelling? If so has she been tested for a personality disorder?

If your wife has a personality disorder your life will be like living in the spin cycle of the washing machine. One of the books I read on personality disorders is called "Walking on Eggshells" and one of the Chapters is 'I hate you don't leave me' I am by far no expert but as I read your posts something is nagging at me that what your experiencing has shades of a personality disorder. If that is the case then no wonder you are in turmoil. Nothing is rational. Some people with personality disorders are very good at masking it to the outside world, but those that live closely with it get the brunt of the symptoms.


I am concerned for you. From what you have been through you are likely going through a depressive or grief response. If you are having trouble sleeping that is a sign of depression. If you are getting increase pleasure from SF that is also an indicator of depression as SF releases endorphins that help us feel better. You are finding relief with exercise, good as that also helps with the effects of depression. What you have been through would knock and elephant to its knees so go easy on yourself. If you are feeling anxious and are having trouble sleeping, if you feel you are having trouble coping you may need to discuss this with your family doctor.

From your posts you are agonizing to come to a decision, as you are anxious for resolution. Noone can blame you for that. I get the sense you are putting yourself under a lot of pressure to do the right thing. You can but this issue took 10 years to come to a head. Is it reasonable to expect to come up with a resolution in several months?

I think the other posters here are trying to get you to slow down a little. Your emotions need time to be processed.

Take care of yourself

God Bless

I agree. Please slow down. Continue to post here but do seek professional help. If for nothing else, then to have someone to talk to.

It doesnt seem juvenile, it seems pretty normal to me. You want to be in love.

I understand your confusion on your wife saying she has always loved you. Its hard to process when you look back and think HOW could she love me and done these things and ignored how I feel all these years?? It just doesnt make sense.

I certainly dont have any answers for that as Ive heard that one myself and have struggled with it. It could be that her definition of what love is is different from yours. It could be that she has loved you but didnt really know how to meet your emotional needs so she just kind of stagnated, like you.

I have to tell you, living with someone who never tells you what they are thinking and feeling is a rough road, especially for a woman. In my own case, I always assumed my H was OK because he acted ok and never told me otherwise. Maybe she didnt deliberately ignore you all these years, she just didnt know how bad you were. To you, that seems impossible. To her, however - it might not be far from the truth.

The emotional ups and downs? Only you can decide if you need some assistance with that. They dont call it a rollercoaster for nothing. I found that lots of exercise, good nutrition and meditation worked best for me.

6

After I read IMs that OW sent me I too felt my FWH was crazy. How could he say that he loved her over and over (and I mean crazy...I love you when you won't talk to me, I love you even if you don't love me back, blah, blah!) And then tell me in the next breath that he DIDN'T love her and he loved me. I REALLY felt that he needed help because there was something WRONG with him!!!

He could never explain it.

I chalked it up to him saying and doing EVERYTHING and ANYTHING to get his fix. That's it. It was NOT love.

Really, all WS's go insane for a time, some never make it back.

Hope you are doing ok. Keep breathing.

6YL,


I was a WW and I can assure you that I loved my BH before, during and after my affair. I may get slammed for saying this, but one of the things that broke my heart was the way my BH let me go so easy. It was a long distance EA, absolute fantasy land, no basis in reality and I wanted to leave. He opened the door and let me go, never once saying "Stop, I love you".

Now, reading from BH's, I understand that he may of thought I was just a worthless wh0re that wasn't worth lifting a finger to try and save.

But, in my opinion, it is possible that your wife truly loved you and still does. Did she act in the most hurtful way to you, yes, without debate. But please don't think that it is impossible to hurt the one the love.

I am sorry for the situation you are in.

6YL:

Lets recap. OK?

Where were you three months ago? In a directionless M with a two people who were keeping up appearances.

Something "clicks" in W and she really start trying to work on you.

You think: WTF? But the extra SF is great. But your SO DISCONNECTED, it's just weird.

Then you search the web a bit, and find this place.

That was two weeks ago.

Where are you now?

Your WW has finally admitted to her A and given you a letter detailing parts of her affair, AND the letters that she and OM exchanged.

You are SO MUCH better off than you used to be. Even two weeks ago.

I like the term earlier when someone said you were drinking from a fire hydrant. Yes, you are. SO MUCH, SO SOON.

But for ten years, you never did anything about the elephant in the room. Or turning on the fire hydrant.

Now you can start moving that elephant out of the room. The water from the fire hydrant is cleansing the room of its smell as well. It will be amazing what starts to happen going forward from here.

Its hard to think that there is a light at the end of the tunnel. But you finally started to MOVE thru the tunnel.

And your NOT making this trip alone.

You might think so. But your W is more willing to be by your side NOW than she was for the past ten years.

And that's something you can build the rest of your life on.

LG

6YL:

Let me address this:


I said to Flamingo not long after Dday, "I never stopped loving you" She stopped, looked me in the eye and said "You stopped loving me the minute you started with HER!" "You COULD have NEVER loved me while doing that!"

She was right. I didn't realise it at the time, but I do now.

I never stopped caring for my W, I wasn't treating her or my M with the respect and caring that I should have. I was lost in the fog as they say around here, and as long as she didn't find out, everything would be OK. We were keeping up appearances.

Your W is still in that FOG, at least about "the never stopped loving you" part. Flamingo's direct answer to that corrected MY thinking, and one day, she will realize this as well. She can realize that during that time that she was in the fog, and its aftermath, SHE wasn't in love with you.

But that does NOT preclude her from loving you NOW.

Strange as it seems, your last line may sum it all up "she can't do better". That may be true. Ten years of standing beside her and being faithful was enough for her to realize this.

SHe WAS crazy, But she probably isn't now. She is still in that fog, not thick pea-soup fog, just the wispy can't see for a few moments fog. That can clear pretty easily with the light that you have brought to your M now.

LG

Great post LG.

LG, Princess, everyone;

Thanks for the help I need it. I know I am all over the place and probably pretty frustrating to give advice to. I'm trying.

I'm going to see the psychiatrist this afternoon. I'm generally against the meds but I'm filled with sadness and rage. I've been sparring so much and like a wild man. I'm going to come apart at the seams (physically). Even one of the pro's at the gym asked me who put the tiger in me and I'm sparring the guys I was afraid of just a week ago.

I hope the Doc can help me out. I'm trying to absorb the fog stuff, I don't really get what it is yet. I know she is not actually mentally ill because she was under evaluation after the twins, because of the risk of post partum depression with so many kids so close together. Anyway, she got a clean bill of mental health and then went on to rip my heart out with this A. She is reading HNHN book, I haven't been able to make myself open the other one.

I don't want to give any false pretenses here to you good people. So for full disclosure I still spend alot of time just thinking I'm going to give up and just D in 6 years.

And considering where you are (just a few days after a REAL D-Day) it's understandable. That's why people are suggesting that you not make any real decisions for awhile.

You asked on another thread if there were any happy recovered marriages on here (or something like that). I responded to you on that thread but I don't know if you saw it. So I'll cut and paste what I said over there:

Absolutely! My "new marriage" to my same husband (we just celebrated 31 years) is 1000 times better than the "old marriage". Our connection to each other is deeper, the trust and respect for each other is solid, and we wake each day looking each other in the eyes knowing that we're a team. Even on bad days (you know, the kind where one of us is grumpy, agitated, or everything is going wrong, etc.?) we've learned to maintain our respect for the other and work through it, together. MB has had a lot to do with that.

The dream of some day sitting on the porch in our rocking chairs surrounded by our kids and grandkids... is more of a reality than it's ever been in our 31 years of marriage.

There is hope for a "happy" recovery.