Yes, he seriously thinks that If I work hard enough and dedicate myself enough, I can be a size 4.

Sidenote: as a teenager when I was playing basketball/volleyball/softball each and every day for hours, and eating healthy foods... I was a size 10. I have never been anything less than a 10 in my entire life. I went from a girls size 14 to a womans size 10 in one year.

Again, is this the only solution or is willing to find a solution that insures you are happy as well?

It maybe that the sex part is more important than the PA. How well do you understand what he is looking for?

But most importantly, is he willing to consider your feelings as well and is he willing to negotiate a solution that is good for both of you?

He won't be happy if you do what you are told because it won't last long before you become miserable.

Sounds like he has unrealistic expectations. Especially if you are already phsyically active, running many miles a week, etc., then it is unlikely that your body is meant to be a 4.
Just for the sake of discussion..let's say with some hard work (but not becoming extreme) you could healthily get to a size 8 (right between a 4 and a 12.) Do you think he would be so pleased that the sexual attraction would magnify greatly, or would he still be dissatisfied. I'm not saying what size you should strive to be, I'm trying to get inside your husband's head (from your point of view.)

Having read this, I would not even recommend going for a size 8. If you were extremely active and eating healthily, that size 10 was most likely what your body was meant to be at that point in time.

I haven't read this whole thread, but my tactic would be to raise the subject in terms of health, heart, dibetes, etc. And when he/she inevitably asks about the attraction factor, give a sheepish grin, then deny. The message will get across.

The only other 'solution' he has been able to find is me not meeting the need and him going without feeling fulfilled.

The sex part is extrememly important to him. SF is his #1 EN. I know exactly what he is looking for in this arena - and that he things me being light will accomidate it. I don't agree.

He knows how I feel, he knows that it hurt me terribly for him to tell me that was what he feels he needs to be happy. He can't see a mutually 'good' solution - unless I become happy about working on, and losing the weight.

I fear I would be miserable. I have told him as much. I am not naive enough not to know that it will build resentment if I try to do this for him. Meanwhile, it is building resentment in him that I don't make it more important. We feel at a stalemate.

I think he is putting unfair pressure on you to be something you are not - were not even when you met. If you have never been smaller than a 10, you wont be now - its not healthy. So, his sexual needs outrank your health?

I would have some serious issues with that one.

Is this man something to bark up a tree about - or is he just expecting you to be some version of his perfect woman?

Society has really done woman a huge disservice.

So, if you don't agree why would you ever consider the PA part? Its his job to convince you respectfully.

Since the SF is the issue, why not negotiate the SF part for different ideas to solve the problem other than PA or some other SF that would be good for both of you?

it sounds to me like you husband is an immature jerk that would be better left behind. but, that is just my opinion.

I tend to agree, but take that with a grain of salt, because some have said that same thing about mine and it doesnt hurt any less.

And thats why I stressed that it is MY opinion. Maybe your definition of superficial IS different. If I've offended you or you took my statement personally, I really am sorry.

The one thing I try to guard against is what can be deemed as a personal attack. I don't like when its done to me and I dislike it even more if I do it so someone else.

So, please excuse me.

I know that you are a straight talker and voice your opinion freely with the goal of helping (which I respect), but that really didn't help much... just sayin'

Contradictory? No, I just can't write for crap. I stated that I love when my wife dolls herself up, which she does once and a while. Usually she is VERY conservative and frankly I'm head over heels with the way she looks WHEN SHE GETS UP IN THE MORNING. I just plain ole love the helll out of her.

But even though I love her dolled up, looks just aren't that IMPORTANT to me for who I MARRY. Now, I've gone out with woman just because they are breathtaking, but to tell you the truth, most have relied on their looks for so long that the rest of their person was nothing to write home about.

The last think I wanted to marry was a woman who the BEST thing I can say about her is that she fills out a pair of jeans or a LBD like a dream. Thats important for armcandy, not a wife.

Again, T, it only my opinion.

I will respect your wishes...but know, that my advice could be very helpful given your situation. Not all marriages are salvageable....yours might be, but based on what I am reading, I am not so sure.

Good luck to you.

medc, I agree that your advice could be very helpful to my situation, and I am open to hearing it - even it I don't like it... I was simply saying that I don't know that telling me that my H is an 'immature jerk' is really advice... does that make sense?

Medc:

If Flamingo wants to spend $175 to style her hair, what concern is that of yours?

If you don't like alot of makeup, So what?

WE have found a way to recovery. Hows about you?

There were things I wasn't doing for her. I'm doing them now.

There were things she wasn't doing for me. She does them now.

WE learned about POJA and What the driver's in a M that EN's are. WE both changed. Hows about you?

Now, I married Flamingo as a size 12. She got to a size 18. Her mother was a size 22. She's back down to a size 12/14. I'm cool with that. I have stayed within ten lbs of my marriage day weight.

P/A isn't your #1 EN. It isn't mine either. But it's up there.

I don't expect Flamingo to become a Size 4. It will never happen, even if she was ship-wrecked on a deserted island.

What's happening to madlydeeply is insane. There are some other issues driving that guy. I would recommend that she look at the other gym attendees, and for excessive porn use driving her H's ridiculous demands.

And by the way:

Mascara: She uses it lightly.
Heels: Not at work, but in the evening...
Lipstick: Special occasions.
Painted toe nails? I do them for her. We match them to the seasons, and to her fingers...
Perfume: Allergies
Foundation: Sometimes
Highlights? In her hair and look great.

Just to be CLEAR: I have NEVER forced her to do these things since Dday. I approached it with POJA, and in a effort to make it as easy as possible to get where we both are comfortable.

LG

yep, it makes sense.....but I think based on what he has said to you, it is an accurate description....does that make sense?

As I said, I will respect your wishes though and temper my "commentary" while still trying to offer advice.

no concern at all. I never said Flamingo shouldn't do it...just that I find it ridiculous.


My recovery is going great...and unlike Flamingo, I am not saddled with a person that cheated on me for four years. For that, I am eternally grateful.

medc - that was HIGHLY disrespecful.

And LG before you go patting yourself on the back for your recovery, realize it was your wife that made that happen...not you. She had every reason to kick you to the curb and she was gracious enough to let you stay. Now perhaps you stopped being immature long enough to finally appreciate your family...but for some of us LG, we didn't have to risk losing everything to know that. We were mature enough all along to get what is truly important in life.