Hu, you're just agruing because you are a selfish, immature, idiot who posts pretending to be his wife...and you don't want to provide compensation.

I don't have to be a detective to figure out your motive here.

Great post Mr. W.

I wanted to follow it up with my wifes list. Keep in mind, with out her truly seeing that I was broken, their would never have been a recovery.

Well, since we're sharing :-) my WS (D-day 8-6-08) immediately came up with some SF stuff that I'd been asking for for years. Plus more SF in general, every other night if I want.

SF is my weak point, ENs 1 through 6, its a bandaid on this whole disaster. To be honest, when I find a GF I'm gone. That probably will get me flamed but that is the way it is. I was faithful for 22 years, and I'm a good looking successful guy. So no moral qualms anymore.

ROTFLMAO

BWAHAHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!

I almost choked myself laughing!!! hahahahaaaaaaaaaaa!!!

Mrs. W

Just compensation. Is a bad phrase. How can a worth be placed on the damage done by an affair. It can not be measured.

When there has been an affair their is nothing that can be done to undo the affair.

Can a marriage recover and be better than before? Yes.

The WS can be remorseful, feel guilt, admit wrong. These things will not cause the BS to ever become never wronged, never pained.
never cheated on.

What is to be done with a WS when even though they are 100% remorseful but do not feel a pain equal to their BS? Do we advacate their torture until the pain between WS and BS become equal? First for those that want to do this how do we measure the pain to determine if more pain is needed.

Is a financial penalty, phyiscal punishment, denial of priviledges.

Then how do we inflict the pain?

Have a RA. Then we will need full disclosure. Why? So the BS does exactly what their WS did in their RA.

Hey, were talking about just compensation here. We do not want the BS to have more fun then their WS did in the Original Affair.

Otherwise we would have to have a RA RA because now the WS would entitled to some just compensation to get things back even.

For a marriage to recover the WS has to have NC, live transparent. Essentially follow the Harley's MB advice.
Then the WS and the BS have to addres the issues so the can meet each others needs.

They are doing what they have to do. You do not and should not expect a medal for doing what should be done.

I think you forgot to mention selfish and immature.....

Oh if was only that simple.

No in this case this is a question I have wanted to ask for a long time. I am doing the compensation as outlined by Dr. Harley.

But it seems a lot of BS want to go beyond what is outlined and still call it "Just Compensation", yet still referring to the original concept.

Your just upset I am a WS that is willing to question the ideas here and not to just know my place.

Mike,

We are both male BS here. If I were you I would not go find a GF and then leave. Leave now then find the GF. You will probably be able to find a better one when you are not cheating on your wife. Just because she is cheater doesn't have to make you one.

Don't you think Hu7668 needs SPECIAL conditions, MrsW and tst?

Maybe you should just know your place...then maybe your wife will be a happier person. But, that's right...it's not about making her happy...it's all about hu and what little he has to do to make her happy...hence all the questioning.

Only because he is so SPECIAL.... :twobyfour:

ABSOLUTELY!!! I'm working on a list for him myself, but I think that he should start with a GIANT slice of HUMBLE PIE!

Mrs. W

Hu,

I have been watching this thread and thinking about it. I am the BS, a year after NC.

In the early stages, you can't figure out how there could ever be just compensation for hurt that is so great.

Then you realize--- there is no just compensation. It will never be made "right".

The best that any WS can offer is to work to make the marriage truly satisfying for both of them.

And after months of work and healing, I am feeling not "compensated" but "restored."

I can't tell you how sweet it was to find a loving email from my H this morning. And to know that he meant it.

Because by doing to the work to restore the marriage, my H has recovered many good things about his own character. And THAT is the sweetest part of it all.

Time and work and healing and both parties' willingness to put aside their own selfishness-- those are the only tools you have for just compensation. But I would say the WS has usually got farther to go in overcoming those selfish aspects of his own character.

You mean following the Harley's concepts (as written) are not enough?

The only thing I am questioning is the misuse of the term "Just Compensation" by BS that want retribution and want to call it "Just Compensation" so they can say they follow the MB concepts.

Bit touch when you actually are called out on what Dr. Harley writes, instead of what you think he means.

Another great post Chrysalis, thanks for your insight.

Hu, if you were to counsel with the Harley's, you would understand that they believe in more than just what is written in black and white.

They had no problem with what my wife asked me for. Actually, considered her list healthy and wise.

Hu:

Just a straight up question to you:

What would be your "just Compensation" to your spouse?

Dr Harley, as you state, only has guidelines. However, when you get to a specific M, (Like Mel's! Love the UPS Man Line! ;)) you get what the BS needs for that particular marriage.

The WS MAY not like those conditions.

TST posted a very through and thoughtful one.

What would be your "just Compensation" to your spouse?

LG

HU,

What specifically is your wife asking for that you aren't willing to give?

I would hope that is what is going on here and that you are not just lashing out at the BSs here for kicks...

Mrs. W

Tst,

I have a question regarding the postnup agreement. Are you agreeing to those conditions even if she D's you for the A you already had? I'm not sure my kids would want to see their mom working in a starbucks while dad lives in a nice big house, so I would probably not want anything that dramatic. I'm still thinking even a strong gesture by her would help me to try.