Only she knows why she would throw you away for that. Ask her. Don't ask her while you're angry, don't put her under attack (I don't think you're the type, I'm just sayin'). That would punish her for her openness, honesty, and transparency. Sharing all of this with you has got to be the absolute scariest thing in the world for her. I know it's hard, but try to remember that.

Ask her why she'd throw you away for something like him, and ask from the stance of trying to understand how she saw things way back then. Perhaps you were so busy she didn't feel like she had anyone to talk to. Perhaps you were so tired she didn't feel any affection from you. Perhaps she was depressed over her post-twin figure and sought admiration elsewhere. Only she knows why - and it may take her a while to remember and figure it all out from an EN point of view.

Many (most? all?) of those things may not be true today. She is clearly very in love with you now so you are probably doing a good job of avoiding LBs and meeting her ENs. So when she does figure out what was missing, realize that may not at all be a criticism/reflection of how things are today.

Your anger is actually a very good thing. It means you're no longer withdrawn. You're engaged, and that's a step in the right direction.

Don't hesitate to tell your wife how you feel. How angry you are, and why. No need to yell or be mean or ugly (don't think you would), but you DO need to honestly let her know how all this is affecting you. Complete, open, honest communication is critical.

Can you send your wife here for help? You don't need to know her user name or anything. But she must be terrified and I bet some ideas on next steps for her would be pretty welcome right now. As you're aware, she broke this and she's going to need to work hard to fix it. You have work to do, too, but you have resources and a plan. Right now she has nothing. Would you send her here?

Oh, yeah. I know the feeling here.

First of all - the A had nothing to do with you, how much you weigh, how well you performed. ( I thought I had all ready covered that a couple of days ago :MrEEk)

You are really going through a lot of the typical D day stuff right now - even though the A was so long ago. when you first hear about the A you assume that the OP must be better looking, nicer, richer, thinner, etc. After all, what idiot would hurt their family for a fling with someone who was "lesser" than you?

But 99% of the time, when you find out the truth, the OP was not better than you in anyway. And sometimes that reality hurts even more. But in time, you start to see how absurd it is, and how truly ill your spouse was to even get into that situation in the first place.

Your 25 pounds of weight had nothing to do with her A. You need to quit looking at yourself as the reason/excuse for her bad choice. Instead, look at her inadequacies, her lack of self esteem, her lack of maturity.

I am NO expert, by far!! BUT - I think she chose an A partner who was so clearly lacking, because it made her feel better about herself.

I have 2 friends who are very attractive women. they dress well,they always wear makeup, their hair is nicely styled. Sometimes, when I am with them, I feel like the ugly step child. they do not say anything to make me feel that way - but I just do not see myself as being as attactive as them. So I have 2 choices - 1.I can quit hanging out with them, and find uglier friends or 2.I can wear my best outfits, put on makeup, and style my hair when I go out with them. I choose option #2, becuase I want to work on making myself better. I like to use their example to improve myself. But I am in a healthy place right now, so this is an easy choice for me.

If I was feeling low, and lacking the mental energy to work on my own feelings, I would choose to stay away from them, and I would probably just stay home and feel sorry for myself.

Your W, unfortunately, chose option #1. she found a friend that made her feel better about herself. Not becuase he was some great man, person, lover, etc. She felt better about herself, because in comparison to him, she was shiny.

Her A has damaged your M, you, and your family. No question. But think for a minute - her A has damaged her deeply, and for the rest of her life. She will carry her shame forever. Her bad choices have really done a lot of damage. Try not to spend too much time wondering what was wrong with you, but instead try to ask yoruself what was wrong with her, that lead her to cause so much damage to herself.

6,

I know things look grim at the moment, but I think when you have time to step back for a minute you will see that you have a lot of things going for you and your marriage. For the first time in 10 years, all of the cards are finally on the table. You have spent 10 years shutting down emotionally with this secret becoming a barrier between you and your wife. She has spent 10 years pretending everything is normal while dealing with the shame of what she did and living in fear that you would find out for sure and leave her. It’s now time for you to decide how to play the hand you’ve been dealt. But, I really see a lot of positives for you.

First, you have already realized that if this marriage ends in divorce that you will be alright. I truly believe that the biggest problem that most of the BS’s on this board have is that they are willing to do anything for whatever scraps their WS will throw their way and settle for a marriage that is not fulfilling and healthy just to avoid divorce. You are in the position to be able to enact a Plan A with the goal of creating a great marriage and not doing it out of fear. Set the goal high and don’t settle for anything less than the marriage you deserve. If it doesn’t work you can just continue with your current plan to divorce.

Next, by your wife’s reaction, it is obvious that she still loves you and really wants your marriage to work. Therefore, she will probably be motivated to do the things that will be required for recovery. I would suggest that you take some time by yourself in the next few days and make a list of what it will take to convince you to at least attempt to recovery this marriage in the next few years. Share your list with your wife and explain to her that after 10 years of lies and deceit that these items are the price of admission for you to even try to recover this marriage. But, just make sure that the requirements you list are there to aide in recovery and not to simply punish her for her mistakes. I gave my WW a pretty demanding list, but I also explained to her why I needed these things and how they would help me recover. Also, be careful that you don’t use these just to string her along and punish her. Just be honest with her. If you both try for a reasonable period and you still feel like you will never get over her A and that divorce will be the best then let her know and don’t let her continue trying when your mind is already made up.

I mentioned in my earlier post how important it was to have a plan. Please take the time to develop a plan and don’t just go on indefinitely acting on emotions. A solid plan and its execution allows you to look back and be confident with your final decision, knowing that you did everything possible and that you can move on whether married or divorced with no regrets.

By the way, like others have said, these letters are all lies. They are lies she told herself to justify what she was doing. One of the hardest things my wife had to come to terms with was that not only did she lie to me, but she lied to herself. When it hit her that she risked losing a great, if slightly flawed, husband and 3 great kids for the POS OM was when she hit rock bottom. You are trying to look at things logically and affairs defy all logic.

By the way, if all else fails, I have found it to be very therapeutic to go to the local shooting range and write the POS OM’s name at the top of a silhouette target and proceed to empty a full clip into his privates before finishing him off with a single bullet to the head. I’m not a violent person, but for some reason this seems to help.

6yearsleft said:

Is it wrong to want a relationship where you were never cheated on?

No, it's not wrong. No one should have to go through this. Not you, not anyone on these boards.

Do I just need to sit and let it hurt?


Sometimes that's all we can do. Sit as long as you need to sit. When you are ready to get up, come talk to us.

SS

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Just make sure you shred those targets. I'd hate to see something happen to OM and they come looking for you.

I want to thank all of your for your support, I'm reading but I don't know what to do yet. I'll just give a status update.

I was able to go to breakfast this morning and not throw up. I get sick when I am overly emotional and unable to do something physical about it. W is very upset that I got sick when she came home last night, but I can't do anything about that.

I'm having a hard time looking at her, still pretty much wanting her to just go away for good. I still have that feeling that I can't fit all of this in me. I hear you guys that it is all lies, and it was a problem in her that she picked such a loser. I just cant feel that way yet. I knew he was smaller than me (whole body, just reread and saw a crude interpretation), but I didn't know she had to spend all that time babying him to get his parts to work at all. I can't get that image out of my head right now.

For the first time ever I turned her down for SF, this morning. I was able to say to her "I don't hate you", but that was the best I could do.

6,

Around here the throwing up is known as the "infidelity diet." Most of us have been on it. It will get better.

Don't make any decisions for a good long while. Please, please give the coaching center here a call, with or without your wife. It is money well spent and so much cheaper than divorce. They will help you figure out if you can have hope again.

Thanks Princess,

I don't hate the OM, he didn't promise me anything. He is afraid of my physically, from the letters, and I'm sure he still worries about it. That's enough. I don't know if she told or emailed him that she was telling me everything. I would guess that she did, but through one of her friends. I know she is not in any sort of regular contact with him since I do all of her IT and run the cell phones.

6years,

Don't you hate it when a plan goes up in smoke??? I know I do.

You planned to stay withdrawn for 6 more years.
You planned to remove yourself from the marriage in 6 years.
You planned to have little emotional interaction with your W while ostensibly being good to her.
You expected that she had no emotions for you.
You expected that she had no remorse.
You expected that she could not be honest.
You expected that she would be a glad to be rid of you as you will be to be rid of her.

You planned to be happy to be rid of her.

Yet here you are. Basically day 2 of a new discovery day. You are actually doing better than you realize given the timing. As everyone is telling you, intellectually KNOWING your spouse had an affair is far different than seeing the evidence and FEELING the power that affair had over you. You don't just jump back to your feet after obtaining such knowledge.

Someone else also pointed out you are no longer in withdrawal and frankly that is good. Yet another person pointed out you need a plan. My guess is you don't have a plan because you don't have a goal. Your goal had been to be gone in 6 years. Your not so sure now that there is evidence that you are in fact loved and appreciated. So what is the goal???


Well, permit me to offer a few ideas for your consideration.

First idea, go for short term goals, say a week out.
Second idea as you go a few weeks in this mode expand your horizon.
Third idea after a month or so of this, expand your horizon to say 6 months.

Forth idea, seek counseling for you and your W.
Fifth idea speak with your MIL and others and get their take on things.

Now as you sort through those short term goals, I believe your options for long term goals will become clearer, and then you can make longer range plans.

You stuffed a lot of pain, and if you had been here when the A was going on, all of us would have told you not to do that. There is an old saying brought here by WhoDat years ago.
You have been taking a daily dose for 10 years and you are now sick to your stomach. Little wonder!

6years, give this time, seek good counseling, talk with your MIL or close friends of hers and yours. Learn more, and understand that only the details are new, the events are old. I know sitting here a long way from you, that how she treated you is really worse than her justifications for it. You don't see or feel this right now, but it is true.

You will get back on your feet and as you do, you may find that the very best person for you and your life is now married to you. She was not 10 years ago, perhaps not even 6 months ago, but the potential for her to be that person for you is much higher NOW.

You did not deserve what happened. But, it cannot be undone. What remains is to learn, reflect, and then make plans.

You will make it 6years and in 6 years your life may be far different and better than you ever imagined.

God Bless,

JL

Try not to worry about it too much and just give yourself some time. All of these emotions are just very raw right now. Trust me, they will diminish over time. I had much the same reaction as you immediately after d-day. I actually caught them in the act and it took me about a week before I could stand to be in the same room with her without picturing what I saw and getting sick.

Just tell her that this is a lot for you to process all at once and ask her to be patient. This has been dragging on for 10 years so a few more days can't possibly hurt. Go to the gym or find something to take your mind off of this for at least a little while each day. Then, set aside some alone time to think everything through and decide which course you will take.

Either way, there are some great people around here that will help you through all of this.

Thanks again,

I know I keep saying this but I still can't fit all of it in at once. I'm trying to process it, but I get one angle and then something else will just pop into my head. I'm super angry, I'm going to head off to Krav and blow off some steam. My sparring partner agreed that I can beat on him hard.

JL, you are right that I don't have a real plan, but I still need to hold on to the idea that I can just walk in 6 years if I need to.

6years,

Of course you can walk away in 6 years. Will it be a good move for you? Will it be a good move for the kids? Will it be a good move for your W?

These things are not known. Well, that is not true. I KNOW for a fact if/when you walk away in 6 years it will tear your kids up and it will take them a long time to recover from it. Divorce hurts older children as much if not more than younger ones. This part is NOT a pretty thing and it will be very painful for them.

You will take time to get through this, so you might as well settle back for a long period of tunneling.

God Bless,

JL

JL,

Back from Krav, hot shower and a beer. I'm feeling a little more myself, although a little sore and bruised up. Everyone should have a friend to beat on.

I understand it will hurt the kids. I'm hoping that I've done a good enough job raising them that they can understand why I might have to do this. I hope that at a minimum W and I could sit them down, tell them what happened, explain that we couldn't fix it.

I'm here, but I'm burnt out, angry and hurt. It sounds like if W tries and I keep being a good H that there is a chance we will be happy. That sounds good to my brain, but my heart doesn't want that right now.

Hang in there

Treat yourself well

If you were a woman, I would suggest a spa day! I suppose in your case, a trip to the gym to kick a freinds a$$ is just as good

Your goal was to leave in six months.

Now you had your D day.

Your old goal was based on never having your suspicions confirmed. If your WW could not be honest then you were not going to stay around after the kids grew up.

Now you are lost as what to do. It's normal. It will take you six months just to process what happened on D day. You need a new goal but mentally you are not ready. You will have to wait six months.

You do not have to decide whether to go or stay. Just use this time to regain your balance.

WOF5,

Well a spa day may seem like a better idea when I try to get out of bed tomorrow. For me the physical exhaustion and bruises feel great right now.

I'm heading home soon. Do you think I should do SF if she asks? I feel like it might help take the edge off the whole thing but I'm pretty confused right now.

6years,

What you need to understand is that you don't have to "do" anything. Go with what you feel you can, and be kind to your W.

The term I like is "grace". Handle things as "gracefully" as you can. Give it time. No one is thinking you need to make any decisions. In fact, I would counsel you to make NO decisions because...YOU DON'T ACTUALLY KNOW THE STORY.

All you know is what happened 10 years ago. You don't know what she has been thinking for the past 10 years. You don't know what has changed in the past 3 months. You don't even really know if she wants you as an H or this is all just guilt.

How can you make any plans with this lack of knowledge??

Let's go further, you know you want peace in your life. You know you want respect and love in your life. You know you want to be happy. What you don't know is how to get it. You don't know if your W can provide these things. You don't know if you will be alive in 6 years. You don't even know if you can stand this for 6 more years. You don't know if it will really improve. Heck, you don't know if you want SF this evening. Right?

Given all of this, isn't a bit premature to be making plans 6 years out??? I would think so. Keep your mind open, your eyes open, and listen with an open heart. As you collect data, your decisions will become obvious. It will take at least a year perhaps more, but that's OK you have 6 years.

God Bless,

JL

JL,

I know a few things. One my work is unpredictable and can keep me late.

in the letter she said these things

1) She loves me, always has (a lie from my perspective), and wants me to love her.
2) She is sorry if she hurt me. (Couldn't she just say she is sorry for what she did?)
3) That I'll be here for the next 6 years if I'm alive.


You are right that I don't know much else.

6years,

Ya know! Here is something that you may not really realize and certainly don't feel, but I think is the truth nevertheless. You stated

Here is where I think you really are having a huge problem and I would as well. The truth of the matter is that YOU have loved her this entire time. You have done exactly what you promised to do when you married her. You promised to love her through sickness and health, good times and bad. Most people don't realize that the love promised in those vows is a love of action, not feelings. Your actions have been "loving" through this whole thing. That is why you are in such pain now.

You really do love her, you have always loved her, and you will continue to love her. I can say this based on your actions not your feelings.

She cannot say the same thing. Her feelings frankly don't count for much and she is revising history now just as she did when she was in the affair. Her ACTIONS were not those of a loving person.

It might be amusing to ask her if she felt the A would not hurt you. If she felt her behavior after the A would not hurt you. If she felt, what she said in those letters would not hurt you.

In short, where is the "IF" in all of this. She knew it would, she knew it did, and does or she would not have lied and kept this secret for this long.

Next you might enquire why she treated you as she did AFTER the affair.

You have a lot to learn, and you are not quite ready yet, but the time is coming. Let yourself heal.

6years, there is a lot left to learn about yourself and your W. Go slow.

God Bless,

JL

go with your gut, on what to do tonight.

If you feel like you could snuggle with her for awhile tonight, then go ahead. But be careful - if you continue to act in a loving manner with her, then you will begin to develop loving feelings for her.