Hello All,

Although this may sound strange I am here to assist a close friend. I found this site about three years ago when trying to help my cousin catch his wife in an affair and it really helped him. He bought a digital voice recorder and not only found out his now ex-wife was unfaithful but she was using and helping deal marijuana. He now has full custody of their two sons and is doing great. He is happily remarried and owns a copy of his needs her needs. I was able to help him before without even posting to any forum.

I am here again to help a friend I work with who is involved with a married woman. I am trying to explain what a bad idea this is and that this woman is in a "fog" like you all say here on the site. I try to be as non-judgmental as possible but it is getting hard to give advice to him. I try to explain to him that all of her problems with her current spouse are just intensified by the affair with him and that he is only getting 50% of the story. I do not know the woman he is involved with well but I do know that she is much like the "aliens" you describe on the message boards. She is so happy whenever she is with him and he really understands her. When he tells me this I tell him this is fog talk and he should take it with a grain of salt. Her husband works a lot and she says he does not appreciate her. I tell my friend that he is simply meeting emotional needs she isn't getting at home and if allowed to or made aware of them her husbands deserves a chance to fix things with this woman. I tell him he is preventing this by being with her. My goal is to share information you all have here about "fogged out" alien spouses so he does not end up hurt when the relationship eventually gets exposed. Could you all direct me to links about this and how he can see into her mind somewhat. The things he tells me about what she says to him are spot on with what you all talk about here about the "fog".

My goal is to help him more so. I do not know the married couple in this instance so my goal is not their marriage salvation but helping my friend see that this is bad news for him all around. Can you all help me find the information that I need?

Thanks,

Mel

Perhaps I should be clearer on my desires...I would like to be directed to a place on the site where the behavior of wandering spouses is explained in some detail so I can show it to him and help him see he is not dealing with a rational person.

Thanks

If you REALLY want to help him, send his wife here!

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If you REALLY want to help him, send his wife here! [/quote]

Let me clarify even further...

I work with this guy, he is not married. He is involved with a woman who is married with two teenage daughters. I am trying to convince him that this is not a good thing for him or this woman.

I am not friends with her. I do not know her well enough to suggest that she come here. I am trying to show him that when she tells him she loves him and that he is her "soulmate" she is talking "fog talk". He needs to know she is not in love with him but that she is high on the excitement of the affair and she should be left to work out her marriage with her husband.

He is the OM in this situation and I am trying to reach him to help him clear his head and see how badly this will eventually end up.

Mel

BK,

I get the idea from the first post that this "friend" is a single guy involved with a MARRIED woman.

Jo

Yes, yes, yes! I want to help him get his head straight. Right now the sex is a huge thing for him but I can tell his feelings are getting involved because he is talking about "if she leaves him" and "when they can finally be together for real".

The fog is settling over him as well and I want to help him before it is to late.

Mel

Welcome back to Marriage Builders melloblkmon:

You need to send an anonymous letter or email containing hard evidence to this woman's husband (BH) exposing the affair.

This man deserves the truth of what is going on so he can make informed decisions (based on truth) for his marriage, himself and his daughters.

Jo

funny this comes up, I literally just finished writing an anonymous letter to a man whose wife is cheating on him. I do not know the man...but I know his wife and I KNOW she is cheating. I found their address on the internet and tomorrow I will be sending this letter "restricted delivery" giving him the details and suggestions...including the thought that he should come here for help.

Do the right thing...you would want to know...

And perhaps it is time to get a better class of friends. Any person cheating on their spouse is no friend to me. We are and we should be judged by the company that we keep. Let your friend know you do not approve of his behavior and sever ties with him until he gets some morals.

OH, and don't let this scum bag around your wife....he could start making moves on her.

To be honest I do not know much about this woman and without spying on her or my workmate I couldn't send her husband a letter even if I really wanted to. It is not that I do not respect their marriage or marriage in general but I don't know them. I have only met her once and that was before I knew what was going on.

I am trying to reach him with some sound reasoning and logic and I think I am making a little headway however I realize that people involved in affairs are not reasonable people. Since I am not a MB expert I was seeking some info on the habits of "fogged out" spouses to show to him. He is falling for this woman and her "he doesn't appreciate me" reasoning. I want him to see through it. I know this will not be well received here but he is and has been a good friend to me in the past which is why I want to help him.

Mel

Mello,

Its very admirable of you to try and help him see the error of his ways. However, the most impactful and honest thing you could do to help this situation is to expose the affair to the betrayed husband.

Now you and I both know you could get more info on this woman from your friend if you wanted to (first/last name, etc.) Enough info where you could follow-up by using the internet to get an address.

C'mon, you even know she has two daughters. How hard could it be to get your friend to tell you her last name and city where she and her husband live.

Its the right thing to do and its time to man up, melloblkmon.

Jo

OK - Track down the married womans BH. Tell him what is going on.

Like MEDC, I have done this in real life. The BW was very grateful to me.

Send her BH here. We can help him!

Jo,

I suppose I never thought about outing him to this woman's husband. I know her first name but he has been a little guarded about her full identity (I saw her at a local retail store with him). To be honest I never thought about asking her last name. I would be a little worried about getting something wrong and sending a letter to the wrong house, that would be awful.

I listen to him a lot about their "relationship" and always tell him that it is a bad idea. I am probably at fault for listening when he tells me about when and where they have sex. I ask him to leave out details as that is TMI for me however I know they often see one another during the afternoon. If that makes me less of a man then "my bad" however I would like to help him get out of this mess. I tried to get him to look at this site a few weeks ago but I am pretty sure he didn't do it.

To answer someones elses thought about me wanting to know if someone was with my wife the answer to that is of course. My worry is that if her husband was violent (I know nothing about him at all except that she is married) it could get her physically hurt. I would feel like a heel then.

Mel

The thing is, you're wasting your time if you think anything you will say to either of them will cut through the fog. Exposure is a real effective fog-breaker.

Then, you tell the OM, and then immediately tell them. Of course, they'll probably hate you for life, but you probably better off without that sort of "friend" in your life anyway.

Oh good grief. If she was that worried about her husband being violent, she probably wouldn't be screwing another man.

Please stop rationalising and justifying doing nothing.

I do not believe I am rationalizing anything BK. I am just telling you that other than a brief sighing at a store I know NOTHING about her and he is not forthcoming about who she really is. I am not sure if I can make that clearer. I do not know what kind of car she drives or where she lives. I am not going to take time off work to spy on them or do recon for a man I don't know.

If I happen to get more info on her I will definitely consider it as I am a family man and think that cheating is not the answer however that doesn't make me the type of guy that does PI work on the side. I am here to try and reason with someone I know because it is the right thing to do. I am the only one of his associates that is doing that. I have a feeling some of his closer friends think that is swell as they are into the whole "cougar" lifestyle thing.

In the Metropolitan area we live in there is a big community of married "cougars" that use the university setting as a easy way to pick up young guys be they students or not. I have nothing against older women with young men but the whole lets prey on married women scene makes me ill. Let's not cover up for the married women who are cheating though...they are just as bad.

Coming here is the only way I can help at this point. I am being totally honest about that believe it or not.

Mel

I am hitting the sack...if someone is able to please point me to some detailed information on the wandering spouse and their habits so I can read it and pass it along to my friend. I hope to assist him anyway I can. I want to shock him into realizing that they are in a fantasy world that is not real.

Many Thanks,

Mel

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2029270#Post2029270

Is a good thread but be assured you are wasting your time. You cannot reason with a falling down drumk.

The best thing to do is to tell the BH.

You are just as fogged up as a WS. Finding one excuse after another to justify for not exposing.

The right thing to do is not always easy. This case there requires effort to track down the BH. Hard is not impossible.