Last night we were sitting there watching TV and I just didn't want to even look at her. She would talk to me and I just didn't want to respond to her. It was weird I just felt a lot of resentment towards her at that moment. As the night went on I felt better. I haven't really felt that way before. By time we went to bed I felt fine.

Everything was fine this morning. I still don't know what her plans are for Friday night yet for sure. I'm not going to ask her because it will just lead to a fight. We have plans to golf and get something to eat after work that day. She knows how I feel about her going out that night so I'll see how much she cares, which I know isn't much. I'm sure she will go see the movie. When she does things like that it just makes me want out of this M more every time.

I found a part time job and I start tonight. I can work as much as I want and work when I want so it is perfect. This money is going to help out if we head for D. I told both of my parents last night that I have been thinking about pushing that now. I won't know until I speak with a lawyer about what is best for me.

NN2,

Sorry for the latest downward spiral in your sitch. Do not give up hope though. There is still a chance for things to turn around. You are right in you expectation that your WW should NOT be choosing to go out with a friend to the movies when she could chose to spend time with you rebuilding what she so willingly risked.

Get your plans in order. Remember, secure your finances, find an attorney. She will be shocked when she realizes that you mean business about your boundries. It may be just the thing you need to turn things around for good in your situation. Plan for the worst, but hope for the best.


You're not alone NN. I still have this struggle every day. There is no way around it. Affairs suck!

Want2Stay

I’m not giving up hope yet. I am still more than willing to work on this but she needs to commit. I do believe I scared her last week when I took my stand but it only lasted so long. Her going to this movie on Friday is exactly the crap I have been putting up with for far too long. She still has time to make the right decision on this. I'm not saying another word to her about it. If she goes that will say a lot about her commitment to working on our M.

I will get my things in order and she may be in for a rude awaking here soon. Maybe I don’t want to face the reality that this is about my only option. Hopefully it would wake her up. I can't do this much longer. I've been saying that for too long now.

I am going to ask her to open up one of the books we have at home. I was also thinking of getting “Fall in Love, Stay in Love”. She made one attempt last spring to read “Love Busters” but she claimed she didn’t have time to read. I would like to expose her to some of this stuff but she has to be willing to do it. I don’t know if it’s even worth it to bring it up to her. She will tell me she doesn’t have time to read a book but then she will be able to tell me she wants to work on our M. That doesn’t make any sense to me. It’s not that much time she needs to invest in reading a book.

Sometimes I will send WW an ecard. She just called to see if I pay for them or where I get them. I told her and then asked why. She said I'm not sending you a card or anything. I said ok, why do you ask. Just making conversation. She said I'm sending one to BF. So acting like I give a crap I ask oh why what's going on. She said do you really care. So I said no I don't really care about your life. She cares more about BF than me. This is the exact kind of crap that makes me want to say screw it. I am about done with her now.

My card for our anniversary was the most pathetic thing she has gotten me in the 15 years since we started dating and got married. The more I get into this the more I realize she doesn't give a crap about me. For fathers day I got no card not even a nice word from her. I need to stop, I'm really bringing myself down today.

NN2, do you realize that the way that you're acting towards her now is likely positively reinforcing her negative opinions of you? And if toxic BF is also reinforcing those opinions, it's no wonder that she feels more comfortable around toxic BF than you.

Yeah I do realize that, for some reason I can't help it right now. She mentions this stupid F-in BF all the time. I guess you could say I am a little jelous of WW and BF relationship.

I need to get back on track. I will be working late tonight so I won't have to be around her, that is probably a good thing right now.

How are you?

So I was having a melt down last Wednesday when I posted on here. I complained more on here than I did to her. But she did get some of it. I don't know why but I just had a bad day and a weak moment. By time I got home that night I was past it. I got back on track and acted myself again.

This weekend was great. She never went out with BF. I didn't ask any questions just took advantage of her and I having a weekend together with no kids. We golfed Friday after work and then went out to eat. Saturday we went to the renaissance festival here and then went and saw Fireproof at night. I saw a preview for that movie back in June and didn’t think we would make it until September to see it. We just had a lot of fun together, we laughed and smiled at each other a number of times.

I am feeling really good today. We have gotten to this point a number of times. My problem is when we get to this point I tend to push for a little more. I have those feelings now but I know I need to stay back and just keep up what I did this past weekend. I bought tickets to take her to a hockey game tomorrow night. She is really looking forward to that.

Things are still going good for us. We have now made it past 1 week without having any problems. I really want to push for something a little more physical that what I’m getting now, but my doing that in the past has started a fight. I am doing my best to wait until she is ready. This morning she rolled over and curled up next to me. I can’t even remember when the last time she did that was. My taking a stand a few weeks ago has seemed to improve our relationship now.

This morning I had to call her and needed to call her work phone. I usually never call that number when I talk to her. This is the number OM used to call her on so that I wouldn’t know she was talking to him. When I dialed it and was talking to her all I could think of was that POS calling her work phone. She didn’t suspect anything was wrong with me when we were talking and I didn’t say anything. That just got me going a little bit this morning.

Things have still been good at home between us. We are spending more time together. She has been more open to physical contact with me lately. Last night I tried to initiate more that just a kiss and she rejected me. She said she has no desire right now. I did my best to let it go without saying anything or acting upset. I was upset and I'm sure she knew it but I just tried to go on as if it never happened.

I don't understand how she can have no desire at all anymore. I was lightly rubbing her back last night in bed and she made a comment about it being nice. I don't know how much longer I can continue to just give and get nothing in return. By nothing I mean some sort of physical connection with her. Today I'm asking myself again if I even want to continue to try. If we can get back what we once had everything would be worth it. I just don't know if I want to put the effort in anymore.

Other than the physical thing everything else has been very good lately.

Wouldn't a recovered marriage be better than physical contact right now before she's ready??? Would you seriously risk the ground you've gained because of SF??

She's not ready yet. You guys are early in recovery- if there even is recovery on her part.

I don't want to risk the ground we've gained here. I am just having a hard time understanding her feelings. She isn't a person who opens up very easily. I did try last night but I didn't push her when she said she just doesn't want to, I left it alone. I probably shouldn't have even tried since I was pretty sure what the outcome would be but I had a weak moment I guess.

I do believe that she is committed to working on our M now. She has made comments over the past couple weeks about the choice she has made to work on us. I haven't brought it up she has initiated these moments where she has made the comments. Up until the past couple weeks she has never said anything like that on her own. So I do believe her now but I am still verifying everything.

Dude - Rub her back, massage her feet, tickle her toes. Just hold her and don't ask for SF. This is all very new and you need to take your time. And it won't kill you.

I have been doing all those things. I enjoy it because it makes her happy and it gives me some closeness with her. I guess I'm just getting inpatient. I needed these responses today to remind me to take it slow and not push.

Thanks, I didn't want to 2 x 4 you too much but you guys just got started. Patience is what is required here with dealing with a WW or even FWW when she is newly former.

As you plan A and you guys work on your marriage she will fall back in love with you and SF will come naturally or it should.

Things are still going good for us. A couple of times in the past couple weeks she has made comments that got to me. Like the other week she said nothing ever happened with her going to the bar. Sure she didn't met the OM at the bar but she ran into "friends" at the bar. I did some LB's when she said this but I am done taking the crap from her. I will not be lied to anymore. She knows this. I guess I chalk that comment up to her still being a little "foggy".

She has told me out of nowhere a number of times that she has made the decision to make our M work. I don't know why she says this. She would never have said that a few months ago. But is does make me feel like she is really trying when she says that.

There has been no SF yet. It's really been a long time and it's killing me. I'm doing my best to not push it. She has been laying on the couch next to me at night and rolling over in bed in the morning. So that is something but it's really hard to not push. I know I should take it slow and that's what I'm doing.

Believer,

Last night she was sitting on the other couch from me while we watched tv. She asked "if I come over there will you rub my feet". I said I will always rub your feet. I said if you lay down by me I will always rub your feet. I used to always do that but I neglected things like this so much in the past.

This morning I rubbed her leg. She pulled something the other day working out and it has been sore.

I will do anything to make her feel good. I know it won't kill me and it makes me feel good to do it for her and it also gives me some physical attention.

Hey, Noname ... glad to hear you feel somewhat better. FogFree and I have been away (and offline ) for a couple of weeks in the great Northwoods.

One thing you said bothers me though. The above quote just doesn't "ring true" when compared to this statement:


Actions speak MUCH louder than words ... She's either "in" or "out" ... NO MORE GAMES!!!

SF "IS" important to you, and she's not living up to her words by not fully engaging you in R.

As a BH, you have an opportunity to fashion a better M than you had before, BUT you have to have a willing partner and YOU DON'T.

I see WAY TOO MANY BH's make great strides to reclaim their lives and then settle for their WW's crumbs in the end and wind up living their lives in a form of limbo he11 ... not really separated and not really married.

I'm sorry, but this "give it time" advice will only lead to the status quo of a unfulfilling relationship.

It's your life, and you are free to accept whatever level of intimacy you wish, but what you describe would NEVER be acceptable to me after I had the knowledge of what she is capable of with others.

But your wife was fully repentant wasn't she?? Correct me if I'm wrong- I get the storylines messed up sometimes. I mean, NoName's wife still won't even admit she met OM at the bar!

I certainly do not believe that she shouldn't have sex with her husband at all I'm just stating that if she's in withdrawal she may not be ready yet.

I guess I don't see the difference ... she SAYS she's committed to the M, BUT still won't engage in SF with Noname ... WTF???

Noname shouldn't care if she's "ready" or not ... she's made the committment to recover, now its time for her to put meaningful ACTIONS to those WORDS.

Yes, FogFree was (and is) very repentent, but she still tried to blameshift and make excuses on occassion and I called her on it EVERY time. I'm sure she got tired on hearing me say "Actions or Words", but she got the message and THOUGHT about what she was actually committing to before she gave me some BS excuse that I wasn't going to buy anyway.

Early in our R, I got some GREAT advice about "setting the bar high", because wherever you set the recovery bar, that's all you're going to get. I set the bar at "Full and Unconditional Committment" and that's where we are today.

Noname is no different than most (if not all) of the BH's here ... he regains his WW's RESPECT when he stands up for himself ... and with respect comes the feelings followed by the actions of "LOVING"!

IMHO, RESPECT is the true cornerstone of a successful R and is often discounted here. Look around this site, those BH's who DEMANDED respect, either got it from their WW's or they seperated and found their own SELF-respect. Those that didn't are those lost souls wandering aimlessly around this website without any direction, peace or hope.