Hi again MoDaisy.

I don't know if any of us should continue answering all your questions about ourselves, when you won't answer ours.

Such as, are you a WS or BS?

Don't you think it fair we can know about you since we have been forthcoming about ourselves?

Jo

Adoption.


You've read my signature.

You certainly ask a lot of questions for a man not willing to even answer the simple question of whether or not there has been adultery in his own marriage...Are you in an affairage yourself MoDaisy?

Also, I thought you were through addressing any of us directly on this thread...Hmmmm, not a man of your word, huh?

Mrs. W

Huh? MoDaisy is a MAN????????

Wow,

Nearly 11 pages of posts and only a few that has any actual help for S&D.

S&D,

turtlehead has asked some very good questions and given some solid suggestions.

One other thing I would like to ask. Are you able to give the Harley's a call?

It's obvious that what help you get on this forum, will need to be found among the harassment and arguing going on here. One way that is suggested by the Administrator of this board, is to put people on ignore until the mods can deal with anyone that you feel is harassing you. Harassment is against the TOS.

Sorry you gotta weed through the cr@p to get the stuff you need.

Blessings.

S&C

S&D,

I'll repeat what I advised also. Please call the Harleys. You wil not be the first person in an affair marriage to do so. They have heard it ALL.

My understanding is that they pull no punches with you, BUT are not judgemental. Your situation is serious, complicated and probably well beyond the expertise of people on a message board.

Blessings to you,
WH2LE

My advise is sound, yet ignored.
I differ from the "affariage get a divorce" group.
It's impractical in many cases.

I am in the group that thinks if anyone marries a known cheater they assume the risk and their future complaints of having a cheating spouse are sad indeed, but predictable.

So - if you marry a known cheater = you assume the risk of future cheating.

The solution I advise = Make the best of it, it's the marriage you made. Don't fight about it. Keep your trap shut. You got the WS you desired so much. The known character flaws were acceptable to you. The bill came due - just pay it.

Do the very best you can WITHOUT COMPLAINT. It's a deeply flawed solution, yes I know. But the situation began as a deeply flawed relationship with 2 deeply flawed individuals and it will NEVER be completely clean.

Make an effort to tolerate and endure future adulteries of your beloved spouse.

Don't complain, endure.


Pep

More advise:

If you marry a KNOWN cheater ( especially one that was married when you hooked up )

DO NOT SNOOP LOOKING FOR EVIDENCE OF AN AFFAIR

It's like marrying a KNOWN SMOKER and then searching the house and yard for butts as evidence they are still smoking


DO NOT EXPOSE ADULTERY YOU (accidently) HAPPEN TO COME ACROSS

Everyone already knows you were "for" adultery if it got you what you wanted (the desired MM) - it would be inconsistent to be against adultery now that the shoe is on some other woman's foot.

so ....

don't snoop
don't complain
don't expose

endure and make the best of it

Pep

I agree with you Pep.

I figure my comments and advice are ignored most of the time becasue I am not a vet. I have no problem with that, but I feel that my advice is probably pretty similar to yours with one small difference. Maybe it isn't really a difference, just a different way of saying the same thing.

Yes, they BOTH married cheaters and knew it. This "new" problem could have been anticipated. But that doesn't mean that when their marriage is in trouble that they should just take whatever comes along without complaint or without genuine effort to fix the situation.

I would not encourage ANYONE to tolerate or endure ANY adultery from their spouse.

I certainly agree to make the best of it. The absolute best of it!

Call the Harleys.

Make the supreme effort necessary to make the best of a situation that should never have occurred but DID. Make the supreme effort to keep an intact home for the child they went to so much trouble to concieve. Make the supreme effort to admit and atone for past wrongs. Make the supreme effort to fix the flaws instead of continually compounding them. Make the supreme effort to BREAK THE CHAIN OF LIES, ADULTERY, AND PAIN. FOR EVERYONE'S SAKES! Now!

Call the Harleys. They have dealt with this VERY situation.

S&D, whether your H is cheating or not, your marriage seems to need some serious help.

Call the Harleys. Call the people with the experience. Call the people who will give you the hard truth, BUT also will help you see if you can actually right this situation in any way.

Blessings,
WH2LE

Me thinks Pepperband is being facetious, to make the point this gal got exactly what she signed up for. She is living in an adulterous affairage, and she can either leave or suck it up.

I think it's a big difference


Really?
Plan A is akin to enduring adultery.
Recovery is also enduring adultery.

I personally have endured adultery as we recovered. It sucked.
It's the complaining about adultery in a marriage that began as adultery is where the trolly leaves the tracks.

Endure
Plan A
Don't complain
Make the best of it

If you buy a dog, it's gonna bark so don't complain when it barks. You did not buy a goldfish.

Pep

Her choices are limited due to her previous choices, indeed.
And, no, I am not being facetious.

I think she should do her best without complaint.
Exposing her husband's adultery to friends and family is disingenuous.

Pep

Excellent point!

If you feel there are TOS violations on a thread, please notify the mods and let them do their job.

Thanks, Revera

If the goldfish barks, join the circus.

You know, I read over some of the replies yesterday and I felt very hurt and harassed. Especially the one about me being a troll. That shocked the heck out of me because I felt that I had been as honest as I possibly could, at risk to myself (obviously given some of your replies) but I guess anything is possible. At first I was really hurt and upset but now...I just find it funny that someone would call me a potential troll when I've done everything I can to be honest and when I have a genuine problem. It is also somewhat strange to me as I myself moderate a message board forum and have for several years. The idea of being a troll is abhorent to me. I am about the least troll like person I can think of. But if that's what you want to think, ok. There isn't much I can do to prove that I'm not.

However, I am done defending my past. I have done so several times now in this thread and it is somewhat obvious that some of you haven't even READ everything that I've written. So I'm no longer going to waste my time. It's the past, I can't change it and even though I would if I could, I can only learn from it. Of course if I knew then what I know now I would have divorced my ex first before even talking to my current spouse. But again, I can't change what happened. I can only change what I do now. Going back to our original spouses is not an option for either of us. Hopefully saving our marriage is. And that is what I'm here for. If you can't help in that vein, then I will simply ignore you. I know what we did in the past was wrong and I have learned from it despite what you say or think. I have no need for any further abuse from you. I have enough to deal with right now.

Pep, I will endure my situation but I will not endure cheating from my spouse. You may think I have no right to say anything given that I entered a marriage with a known cheater but I do not agree. My husband made a promise and a committment and if he cannot honor those then we cannot have a marriage. Call me naive if you wish. I made the same committment and I have had no problems keeping it despite the fact that you could call me a cheater as well. I have never even been tempted to cheat and I have taken steps to make sure I am never tempted. People really can change and despite what you all think of me and my past I hate that I cheated and I HATE cheating in general. I would never ever do it again and I have spent years praying about it and beating myself up over it. That said, I will not stay around and meet some of my husband's needs while someone on the side meets the others. It is my goal to be the best parner possible to him so that he has no need to look elsewhere.

Regarding the constructive, helpful advice I have been given I am giving it a lot of thought. I have ordered the Surviving Infidelity book and I can't wait until it arrives. I plan to study it thoroughly. I am currently in the process of trying to make a plan. My husband now knows that I know something. However I have not divulged how I know and it is driving him crazy. But I will not tell him and give away my advantage. I will continue to gather intelligence as best I can and then figure out the best way to confront him and to expose the affair and who to expose it to.

I do plan on calling Dr. Harley. I just need to check my finances and make sure I can afford it. Money is pretty tight right now but this is a priority to me so if there is anyway I can pinch some pennies and do it I will. I am also trying to convince my husband to also talk to them. We'll see how that goes. Right now I am doing the best I can to make the best of things. I savor every moment I have with my spouse, knowing that one day those moments may end. I know I only have one chance here and I will never let it be said that I did not do everything in my power to save this. I am not given to drama or hyperbole but I can honestly say I would indeed cut off my right arm if that is what it took.

In that vein I have just started seeing a counselor and working on myself. I want to be the very best me I can be so that I can convince my spouse what I wonderful partner I can be and what a truly great life we could have. All I can do is hold onto the statements I've read from Dr. Harley that say that most affairs fizzle out. I hope the one he is in now fizzles and when it does he comes back to me with a renewed desire to fix our issues and save our marriage. I am going to give him every reason to do so!

I have a lot of thinking and learning and planning to do. I hope I can survive all this.

When the sweet smell is off the bloom - a person who has proven that he thinks cheating is "OK" if he gets what he wants - He will give himself permission to wander around other people's garden - It's a lifestyle choice.

Endure
Do your best
Don't complain - he does not take his vows seriously once the bloom is off the rose. "love honor cherish - until I don't feel like it anymore".

woof!

Pep

I honestly DO hope that you have changed and that you and your husband get the help you both need.

That being said, can you understand how offensive your posting here is to those that have endured affairs. YOU are representing a marriage that started off as an affair to people that spend their days worrying that their spouse may indeed leave them for their affair partner. Your marriage will NEVER be "just" in the eyes of many betrayed spouses...including mine. When exactly does the money stolen from a bank truly belong to the robber? If you stole my car and a few years down the road legally found a way to put the title in your name does that REALLY make it right??? I KNOW the pain of infidelity and am personally offended that you are here seeking help for a marriage that started off with the emotional raping of a BS.

Please have a heart and consider taking your search for help elsewhere. Obviously you don't have to...but, please show a little courtesy for those impacted by infidelity.

Okay S&D...You've made up your mind to continue down the rabbit hole...I think you should very much consider what Pep has said to you...It's quite logical...

What I'd really like to know is this...How do you feel that it's right to come here to a room full of hurting BSs...victims...And ask to be helped to save what I can assure you many feel is a continuation of an affair...At the very least it is a relationship built upon the hurt of others...the destruction of two marriages...I do not understand this...I think it is something about you that you should look at...Your lack of regard towards hurting others for your own personal gain...

I agree with the advice about calling the Harleys...Where you will be counseled PRIVATELY...Dr. Harley is a PROFESSIONAL with 35 years experience and he has admitted to having trouble finding a solution to helping affair marriages that suffer additional infidelity...If HE has trouble with your type situation, what in the world would make you think that non professional people on a message board could help you? I do not think you will get the help you need here...

Mrs. W

No cheater needs to cheat; they cheat because they want to.

But you already knew that.

You know what MedC I think I will do exactly that. I do understand why people would be offended. And I am very sorry I ever posted here. It doesn't matter that my husband's ex left him for another man first and wouldn't come back no matter what he did, he was still wrong to have a relationship with me until the ink was dry on the divorce papers. It doesn't matter that my ex spouse beat the crap out of me and I wouldn't have gone back to him whether or not I was in a relationship with my current spouse. It doesn't matter that I did not leave him becasuse of the OM, but because of his dangerous behavior. And none of it matters because none of you believe me anyway. It's all just convenient excuses that adulterers use, right?

So forget it. This time I really am done here. None of you need to bother posting to this thread anymore. I will seek help and answers elsewhere. But my word, I hope that if any of you ever make a mistake, ever repent a mistake, ever do your best to do everything to learn and never make that mistake again, I sincerely hope that someone treats you with a lot more compassion than I have received here.

So, goodbye. Despite everything I hope that you all can find the answers you seek and the outcomes you desire and despite how I have been treated I wish the best for you all.

Sincerely,
SD