Awesome. I am happy for you, Broken Soul

That is the exact same quote and feeling I had when I exposed in January of 07. Good job.

Fantastic news, I am glad it worked out!

Thanks all. Man. I can't believe how much better I feel. I was so glad to hear him promise to keep in touch should anything happen.

I hope I can really begin to heal now. FWH has been doing so well with his end of recovery, but I felt stuck.

Great job, BS! They are always so grateful that you cared enough to call them. While it is heartbreaking, they are so happy to know the truth. You did the right thing, bs, and i applaud you for being such a caring person.

Gdar:

As I mentioned, I was 2 months past d-day and one month into Plan A before I learned about exposure. Exposing at that point would have set us back so I chose not to.

Knowing what I know now, I would have exposed on d-day. If there is ever a d-day #2, I will expose that day. But, with R going well, now 3 months past d-day, all it would do is set us back.

There is NC and my EP's are in place so I know the A is over. If exposure is to bust up the A and the A is already "busted up", no need for it. The OM in my case is divorced now anyway.

I don't think you can make a blanket statement that exposure breaks of the affair every time. I exposed, yet my WstbxH is still living with OW a year and a half later. However, if you read through the stories here, those that exposed the fastest and most furious were more likely to stop the A in its tracks. Check out Runnerboy's thread - he exposed the A before his WW and her OM could even put their clothes on (he threw them in the yard). The A was over before the sheets cooled down.

On the other hand BS's who wait lose the opportunity for the maximum impact of exposure. In my case, OWH knew a few weeks before I did. He tried very hard to expose to me but he didn't know who I was and OW and WstbxH put up every roadblock they could. His only lead was that his 6 yo DD knew Wstbx's first name and had seen his last name on his name tag. Unfortunately, she thought the W was a V, so OWH phoned every single name in the phone book with the wrong initials. He would have found me if he had the correct information. (interestingly, WstbxH removed all the personal voice mail recordings around this time and had them set to the factory installed robot-like voicemail. I had asked him why and I forget his excuse but the reason is obvious now) I believe this delay in exposure allowed OW and WstbxH to make their plans and come up with even more excuses and even put the finishing touches on snowjobbing their families.

Exposure did have great benefit to me, even if it didn't break up the A. It got the truth out there so that people were supportive and it nipped gossip in the bud (no need for gossip if the truth is readily available). Also, when OWH and I finally did connect, we were able to sort out the truth of what was going on, including a much closer estimate of the true length of the A. The lies we were led to believe are unfathomable and too numerous to rehash here. We were also able to pass information to prevent being further screwed by our WS's who were by that point resorting to breaking in and stealing things from us.

It is for these reasons that I strongly urge newly betrayed BS's to expose. Yes it can be embarrassing and yes you risks cranky old relatives never living it down - at least until someone else in the family screws up and they harp on their new "victim" (if your cranky old relatives are anything like mine ;)). But the benefits far, far outweigh the risks. Just read the stories here -who has exposed and who waited - you'll see with your own eyes.

Thank you. I felt bad because he sounded like SUCH a nice guy, but the thought of him not having the whole truth really bothered me. She made such a big effort to try to scare me off yesterday that I felt sure he DIDN'T know everything. I'm really glad he called me.

I'm a slow typer - this came while I was posting. WAY TO GO!!!! This guy is your ally - you'll be able to help each other stop this A and prevent it from happening again. Good Job!!!!

CJ, there is always a NEED to tell the BS about an affair. That exposure is not contingent upon the state of the affair. The BS needs this information regardless of the state of the affair, even if it is YEARS LATER. This would not effect your recovery.

Is the OM divorced because of the affair with your wife?

I understand. My Dday was several months ago, so exposing at this point seemed pointless to me, as well - as the EA is no longer continuing. I appreciate your comments.

My exposure did not end the affair but it crippled it badly and I think it remains mostly on life support a year and a half later. But, I will never regret letting Gollum's wife know what was going on. I was told by Wayzilla that OMW was in her own affair and simply did not care what he did. LIE. I had met her twice and knew this could not be true. I felt so much better after I talked to her (we talked for over an hour) and knowing I had done what was right and not what was easy. It did not save my marriage (although it helped give it it's best chance) but it was the right thing to do.

No. The D was 90% done when the A started.

As I said, if it were d-day, I would go ring her doorbell and tell her all about it. After all OM and my WW were "just friends" according to WW. So what's the big deal if I tell her about the "friendship", right? I just did not know about exposure until our R was going very well. Doing it now would hurt our R and I really don't give a rats @$$ about the OM's now ex knowing.

I disagree that telling your wife's victim would harm your relationship. It would help your W's recovery and most of all the OMW. If you have to help hide your w's crime against this woman to keep the peace in your marriage, then you are not in recovery. That is not recovery, that is collusion, IMO.

It may very well be that this affair is what led to the divorce and knowing this information, which is VITAL information about her own life, would help her in many ways. It might explain the collapse of her marriage and/or help her and her children in her legal defense. I know that I would consider it an act of kindness if you told me.

I have had to tell a BS about an affair and they were extremely grateful.

Yup. OW's BF was very grateful and said "yeah, I'm not into that, either."

I'll be honest and really hesitated telling him because it's been almost 3 months since d-day, but I felt like I didn't have closure. I also felt like he had a right to know, because IMO someone who's willing to get involved with a married man and have an EA (AND send a NAKED PIC OF HERSELF TO HIM) would also have a PA - and in this day in age it's dangerous to mess with someone's health that way. I know he's really hurting right now and I hate that for him, but I also feel like I saved him from further heartbreak, and maybe even from getting an STD/AIDS.

Thank you all for the comments. The OPS is a wife and I appreciate the comments. In this case, however, I know she was suicidal in the past and is alcoholic. I feelas most here, tat I am morally bound to tell her but dread the possibility that I may be responsible for some thing bad to happen. My wife has stopped the encounters and is remorseful and we are trying to recover. Why stir the pot.

Thess, you are not responsible for the affair, nor anything anybody else does because of it. If the OPS commits suicide, it is because of the affair, not the information. I know in my own case finding out the truth of the affair is what set me free. I was not suicidal, but I was a train wreck waiting to happen.

I wish, wish, wish someone would have exposed to me a long time ago. My WH told my best friend he thought she was attractive repeatedly years ago - before we had kids. Her H knew about it too, how I wish he would have told me . . .life could have been so much better. . .

If I had known then, our M would have had a better chance of recovery, or ended in D w/o bringing kids in to the picture. So many people knew more about my M than I did, and there I was making major life choices w/o the benefit of the TRUTH.

ML is right, exposing is the only MORAL thing to do. I can understand how a BS doesn't care much about the OPS - but think about COMPASSION. If OPS was the one that knew, would you want them to tell you?

Have some compassion for the OPS, they deserve to know the TRUTH about their marriage that the OP is hiding from them.

fade

ITA w/you.

The OW BF sounded like such a nice guy and I could tell by his questions that even though the skank "confessed" to him, that he didn't have the whole picture. I got the distinct impression she downplayed the whole thing and then probably made out like I was some overly-jealous wife that flipped out about their "friendship". He sounded so sad but was very appreciative of the info.

Plus, I think like ML said in another post (??) it could potentially be a life and death situation as well. I wouldn't put it past this individual to sleep around on her BF, which could potentially expose him to STD's/AIDS.

My FWH didn't feel it was my "place" to tell him, but I'm still glad I did. I would want to know if the shoe was on the other foot - otherwise, I would just be living a lie (as was he). An added bonus is I finally feel at peace rather than being consumed with pain/anger that the OW is walking around scott-free after being an interloper in my marriage and family.

It is comforting to see what efforts that strangers here are putting forth in trying to help me. I appreciate the comments and it validates my thoughts when I put all your comments together to help me decide my course of action. Thank you and hugs to all. I am still bewidered that I am here at all.