Your R sounds so much like mine. Your W was perhaps a little colder, which made me wonder if yours had been having an affair.
Anyway, my leave-the-marriage issues were sex and respect. W would use SDs, DJs, AOs, name-calling. Even hit me twice.
What worked for me?
A book called The Verbally Abusive Man, by Patricia Evans.
Help me recognise verbal abuse and deal with it. Don't be put off by the title - it applies to women too.
Coming here
Helped a lot - the Basic Concepts helped me realise that my need for sex was not wrong, and that her abuse was not normal or acceptable. "You're being oversensitive. X is FAR harder on her H. You're lucky to be with me" - no longer cut it.
Boundaries
I will not stay in this marriage if you continue to [call me names, hit me, scorn me].
I will not stay in this M if you do not desire me.
Leaving the room when I *felt* abuse, while offering to talk about the matter later. Going outside if she followed room-to-room. Leaving the property if she followed outside.
Leaving
We didn't actually separate but she and I both looked at other houses to live in. We went to the brink. I do still wonder if actually leaving would have given a stronger message and a better result.
You did this and your W came to realise that she COULDN'T carry on as before and have you in your life.
Counselling
Mostly useless. Much was harmful. One little five minute segment helped. I told a counsellor about W's abuse - namecalling in particular - and said I would divorce over it. And that it was one way traffic.
He told her it was unacceptable to call one's life partner names. W was upset about this - wanted to divorce. Then we talked - she agreed to talk respectfully and calmly to me at all times - and more-or-less did from then on.
The one limited benefit from traditional counselling was giving an outsider's view on her behaviour.
Maybe you've got other boundaries. Sounds like she goes out a lot without you. I'd struggle with that. It's widely believed that a spouse who objects to this is 'being controlling', or jealous or insecure, or co-dependant. MB sees it differently - a threat to the M.
You said at one point
I feel it's "b"[disrespect] for whatever reasons. I told her that she has basically been running the show, with me blinding following along. I told her I thought that might be one of the problems.
Also you were tired of being passive.
I suspect that's important. My M and life generally looked up when I stood up to my W's verbal abuse - not by fighting, but by leaving the room. I know that sounds worse - 'running away' - but it's not.
It's taking action. Consitently and calmly. The abuse is rejected, it doesn't stand, it doesn't pass unchallenged. Don't accept your spouse telling you what to do, feel, or say, or what you are.
The other option is to fight. Power struggles are brutal and ugly. This option doesn't work.
After I took action, and many times it took, my W, kids and me all thought more highly of me! It stinks that a spouse would abuse another in the first place, but that's unfortunately pretty normal, and happy marriages are pretty abnormal.
FB I'm ambivalent about even telling you things that might help your M. She doesn't want kids I gather - do you? Where are you up to with her now?
